Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom

[Anonymous]

I do it all. I am the only daughter, and I love my mom but the situation is bothering me. Background: My dad died and left nothing, so she needs full financial support. None of us want her to live with us for various reasons, so she has an apartment, car, Medicare Part B, phone etc. paid for by us. We can afford it but neither brother (older by the way) has offered to help. They also don't visit or arrange to have her visit. They infrequently call her. They don't handle the day to day stuff, like helping her figure out what doctor to go to. She does not live in the same state as any of us. She's in FL. My siblings both have children in their 20s and I have children in elementary and middle school. We are financially much better off, but they are not poor and are done with college expenses and the like. I am not a very confrontational person, so a letter is the best approach for me. Thoughts on this?

Rough Draft Letter:

I have been thinking about how to articulate something for awhile now, so I am going to try to—realizing the limitations of a “paper conversation”.

I think that the best in short encapsulation would be – I think you need to be more involved with Mom.

We are shouldering a significant amount of expenses for her monthly—around 1800-2000 a month. While we can afford to do that, it does seem like her other two children could help some too, even if not to a proportionate extent.

Beyond money, there is a lot that goes into helping an 85 year old. She needs help figuring out what doctors to go to, and this need is likely to grow as time goes forward on the health front. Coordination of care, being a contact for doctors, etc. are all roles we will need to fill. She also needs help figuring things out, like her car, phone, etc.

Mom also needs emotional support and visits. I do my best, but I have a complicated situation with two kids at home, who are pretty high need, especially X . and Ys travel schedule is a significant factor in my ability to get away. I call her every couple of days and I visit twice a year and have her here 2-3 times a year. I don’t mind this, she is my mom and I love her, but I think you both need to step up a bit on this front.

Sorry to be so frank, but I think as she enters the next stage I don’t want to be resentful about all of this and I know you would want to spend time with her before it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

This is tough one, op. I think you have every right to ask sibs to help care for your mother in every way. Your letter is fine but, I hestitate because letters or emails are not always well received. Are you closer to one sibling over another? Can you have a phone conversation or see them in person? Explain how you are feeling and what mom needs. My mom was one of seven and she and another sister did the heavy lifting. She tried to get siblings involved ( some gave money but, her mom wanted visits) but, things never changed unfortunately.

In my own life, my sister left the family in part so she wouldn't have to deal with mom getting older. So, it is just me and my other sib. Sorry you are going through this. I would try but, don't expect too much. Sometimes I have found that those not pulling their weight will take offense and really pull back.

The way I deal with it is to think to myself I am showing my children how to treat family members.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would delete the last sentence. Instead, use something like, "Specifically, I'd like to work out between us how to better divide the help and emotional support she needs. How much money a month can each of us contribute? When can you visit her? When can she visit you? Who does mom call when she needs help with the (a)doctor, (b)dentist, (c)pharmacy, (d)Medicare, (e)grocery runs, (f) banking/checking, etc?" And then ask them to do a Skype meeting or a conference call.

[Anonymous]

How much is she getting form social security? Any pensions? They might not realize how much you're spending on her. Why are her monthly costs that high?

[Anonymous]

Take out th part about your kids being "high need especially x", because you don't want that part of the letter getting back to them one day.

[Anonymous]

I would not do this by letter, it should be a phone call. A conversation between two people about how to share responsibility is going to be better received than a letter presuming to dictate what someone else should do. Also, I wouldn't go so in-depth into why this is so hard for you, it comes across as a guilt trip and opens to door to a bunch of reasons from them as to why they can't help more. This conversation should be simpler, and focus on, here's how much financial support mom needs each month, and here's how much personal-effort support (whether visiting to help, researching doctors, etc.). I need help managing it all, so let's talk about how everyone can best contribute to make sure mom gets the care she needs.

In that conversation, there's a good chance your siblings will have different ideas about how mom should be cared for to reduce the financial or time burden on all of you. If you want their help, you will need to be open to these ideas, you won't be able to control how it all happens once you bring them in.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, it doesn't sound like you are doing that much for her besides the money. So you call every few days and see her twice a year. Big deal. I talk to my mom every day and my dad once a week or so. But I talk to him for a full hour when I do call.

Sons are great but not IME do not offer "emotional support" as much as the daughters. I am the one that gets to hear about the poop habits and her concerns about her cats and whatnot. If they aren't filling that role now, this letter isn't going to change that.

If the calls are too much for you, reduce frequency.

It is unclear to me why you are so involved in her medical care. Does she have dementia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would delete the last sentence. Instead, use something like, "Specifically, I'd like to work out between us how to better divide the help and emotional support she needs. How much money a month can each of us contribute? When can you visit her? When can she visit you? Who does mom call when she needs help with the (a)doctor, (b)dentist, (c)pharmacy, (d)Medicare, (e)grocery runs, (f) banking/checking, etc?" And then ask them to do a Skype meeting or a conference call.

Thx good point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough one, op. I think you have every right to ask sibs to help care for your mother in every way. Your letter is fine but, I hestitate because letters or emails are not always well received. Are you closer to one sibling over another? Can you have a phone conversation or see them in person? Explain how you are feeling and what mom needs. My mom was one of seven and she and another sister did the heavy lifting. She tried to get siblings involved ( some gave money but, her mom wanted visits) but, things never changed unfortunately.

In my own life, my sister left the family in part so she wouldn't have to deal with mom getting older. So, it is just me and my other sib. Sorry you are going through this. I would try but, don't expect too much. Sometimes I have found that those not pulling their weight will take offense and really pull back.

The way I deal with it is to think to myself I am showing my children how to treat family members.

Good luck!

Thanks-- good perspective!

[Anonymous]

You need to call. We are in a similar situation, my MIL is alone and has a terminal illness. There is no one else to help, no other living relative other than DH nad his sister. My MIL lives three thousand miles away, requiring plane rides to see her. She has refused repeatedly to move in with us. She refuses to enter a retirement community/apartment. It's completely overwhelming. My DH has been going back and forth to help her with dr visits, hospitalizations, surgeries, and home healthcare. My SIL says it's too stressful and too expensive for her to fly out, she has no children, she SAH, and her husband make sure mega bucks, they're very well off. She just doesn't want to go. So after months of text messages and emails, my DH called her and had a come to Jesus conversation. That finally got through to her.

Taking care of an aging parent is so incredibly hard in so many ways on everyone. Call your brothers, have specific things you want them to do (I need you to contribute $500 a month to her care, or you need to visit her for a week, or you need to fly her to you for a week). She won't get easier to manage, can you have her move to an assisted living place (some are very nice)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do this by letter, it should be a phone call. A conversation between two people about how to share responsibility is going to be better received than a letter presuming to dictate what someone else should do. Also, I wouldn't go so in-depth into why this is so hard for you, it comes across as a guilt trip and opens to door to a bunch of reasons from them as to why they can't help more. This conversation should be simpler, and focus on, here's how much financial support mom needs each month, and here's how much personal-effort support (whether visiting to help, researching doctors, etc.). I need help managing it all, so let's talk about how everyone can best contribute to make sure mom gets the care she needs.

In that conversation, there's a good chance your siblings will have different ideas about how mom should be cared for to reduce the financial or time burden on all of you. If you want their help, you will need to be open to these ideas, you won't be able to control how it all happens once you bring them in.

All good points! Thx!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, it doesn't sound like you are doing that much for her besides the money. So you call every few days and see her twice a year. Big deal. I talk to my mom every day and my dad once a week or so. But I talk to him for a full hour when I do call.

Sons are great but not IME do not offer "emotional support" as much as the daughters. I am the one that gets to hear about the poop habits and her concerns about her cats and whatnot. If they aren't filling that role now, this letter isn't going to change that.

If the calls are too much for you, reduce frequency.

It is unclear to me why you are so involved in her medical care. Does she have dementia?

Op here- sorry it's not enough for you- ! It's a lot for me and I'd like some help. Guess personal thresholds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, it doesn't sound like you are doing that much for her besides the money. So you call every few days and see her twice a year. Big deal. I talk to my mom every day and my dad once a week or so. But I talk to him for a full hour when I do call.

Sons are great but not IME do not offer "emotional support" as much as the daughters. I am the one that gets to hear about the poop habits and her concerns about her cats and whatnot. If they aren't filling that role now, this letter isn't going to change that.

If the calls are too much for you, reduce frequency.

It is unclear to me why you are so involved in her medical care. Does she have dementia?

Op here- sorry it's not enough for you- ! It's a lot for me and I'd like some help. Guess personal thresholds.

Also icsll nearly every day and have those kinds of conversations too - I mentioned I go to her 2x a year at least and I fly her here 3-4 times a year so every other month essentially

[Anonymous]

OP - - much more effective is communication along the way, not 1 big letter. A pattern of honest communication should have been established long ago. You all might not agree with each other, you each may weather periods of anger, disappointment, adjusting to a new normal with each other. If that hasn't been happening - 1 big letter/conversation - isn't going to matter, IMHO. I also think - whatever you think you have to tell them, they know.

[Anonymous]

OP I haven't gone through this but I would say think separately about what you need and what your mom needs, and then what you are likely to get from your brothers. It seems like those are all different and breaking it out may help you (maybe your sibs are more likely to give $ than visits, or v.v.?), but you have to consider that there may be things your mom needs from your brothers but they won't give.