Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom

[Anonymous]

How did your mom do during the hurricane in Florida, Op? Did your brothers check in with her at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask. You are already doing everything. You keep coordinating, but assign them their jobs. And tell them how much to send you each month. They will probably be relieved.

Strongly disagree with the posts along this line. Providing financially (or for that matter emotionally) for aging parents is a nice thing to do but (unlike something like child support) it is in no way an obligation so the fact that you choose/are in a position to help out your mom doesn't mean you get to demand your siblings do the same. I also doubt you have all of the specifics on their family expenses/budgets so it's not reasonable to make assumptions on what they "should" be able to contribute. There are lots of elderly without assistance from their children who get by on social security alone. Sure, you can raise your mom's situation to your siblings and ask if they are in a position to help out, but if a sibling (who self admittedly is in a better financial position) tried to just inform me that that I needed to start giving x amount of my salary to support my moms expenses it would not go well.

Bottom line: do not send the letter you outlined above or try to guilt trip your siblings. It's fine to make sure they are aware of the situation and ask if they are willing/able to help, but at the same time you need to draw your own line as to what you can reasonably provide without jeopardizing your immediate family situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did your mom do during the hurricane in Florida, Op? Did your brothers check in with her at all?

I flew her here. They sent notes after the fact thanking me for taking care of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask. You are already doing everything. You keep coordinating, but assign them their jobs. And tell them how much to send you each month. They will probably be relieved.

Strongly disagree with the posts along this line. Providing financially (or for that matter emotionally) for aging parents is a nice thing to do but (unlike something like child support) it is in no way an obligation so the fact that you choose/are in a position to help out your mom doesn't mean you get to demand your siblings do the same. I also doubt you have all of the specifics on their family expenses/budgets so it's not reasonable to make assumptions on what they "should" be able to contribute. There are lots of elderly without assistance from their children who get by on social security alone. Sure, you can raise your mom's situation to your siblings and ask if they are in a position to help out, but if a sibling (who self admittedly is in a better financial position) tried to just inform me that that I needed to start giving x amount of my salary to support my moms expenses it would not go well.

Bottom line: do not send the letter you outlined above or try to guilt trip your siblings. It's fine to make sure they are aware of the situation and ask if they are willing/able to help, but at the same time you need to draw your own line as to what you can reasonably provide without jeopardizing your immediate family situation.

Her ss is 800 a month can't live on that. I don't disagree with your basic jist however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask. You are already doing everything. You keep coordinating, but assign them their jobs. And tell them how much to send you each month. They will probably be relieved.

Strongly disagree with the posts along this line. Providing financially (or for that matter emotionally) for aging parents is a nice thing to do but (unlike something like child support) it is in no way an obligation so the fact that you choose/are in a position to help out your mom doesn't mean you get to demand your siblings do the same. I also doubt you have all of the specifics on their family expenses/budgets so it's not reasonable to make assumptions on what they "should" be able to contribute. There are lots of elderly without assistance from their children who get by on social security alone. Sure, you can raise your mom's situation to your siblings and ask if they are in a position to help out, but if a sibling (who self admittedly is in a better financial position) tried to just inform me that that I needed to start giving x amount of my salary to support my moms expenses it would not go well.

Bottom line: do not send the letter you outlined above or try to guilt trip your siblings. It's fine to make sure they are aware of the situation and ask if they are willing/able to help, but at the same time you need to draw your own line as to what you can reasonably provide without jeopardizing your immediate family situation.

Exactly. Also, if your mom is living pretty much independently (even with your financial help and occasional phone calls to her doctors) she should have a say in this, too.

What you are doing for her is nice, Op, but your mom is also doing a lot for herself, isn't she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your mom do during the hurricane in Florida, Op? Did your brothers check in with her at all?

I flew her here. They sent notes after the fact thanking me for taking care of her.

O.k. during your visit with her did you notice a change in her?

[Anonymous]

I'm shouldering responsibility for both (divorced) parents despite being one of six siblings and the only one with kids. Even so, I think that this letter would annoy me rather than make me want to be more involved. Siblings don't always share every detail of what absorbs their financial, time, and emotional resources. While my siblings can see my kids, I can't see other challenges they may face that keep them from helping me help Mom and Dad. It is better, I think, to simply list the needs and ask if they can help in anyway without decrying your burden. Just as you (and I) chose to have kids, you (and I) are choosing to be the caretaker for elderly parents. If there really is no one willing to assist, the state steps in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shouldering responsibility for both (divorced) parents despite being one of six siblings and the only one with kids. Even so, I think that this letter would annoy me rather than make me want to be more involved. Siblings don't always share every detail of what absorbs their financial, time, and emotional resources. While my siblings can see my kids, I can't see other challenges they may face that keep them from helping me help Mom and Dad. It is better, I think, to simply list the needs and ask if they can help in anyway without decrying your burden. Just as you (and I) chose to have kids, you (and I) are choosing to be the caretaker for elderly parents. If there really is no one willing to assist, the state steps in.

+1

and it has already been said but you need to do this over the phone, not via email

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your mom do during the hurricane in Florida, Op? Did your brothers check in with her at all?

I flew her here. They sent notes after the fact thanking me for taking care of her.

O.k. during your visit with her did you notice a change in her?

Not sure I understand the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your mom do during the hurricane in Florida, Op? Did your brothers check in with her at all?

I flew her here. They sent notes after the fact thanking me for taking care of her.

O.k. during your visit with her did you notice a change in her?

Not sure I understand the question.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked at the selfishness in the responses. Yes you need to help your parents. The law may not compel you to but morality does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thoughts:

1. It's fine to say this in a letter, but prepared for a follow-up phone call, Skype, or in-person discussion to hash out the details.

2. Your 2nd sentence sounds awfully lecture-y right off the bat. I'd rephrase from "I think you need to be more involved with Mom" to "I'm getting overwhelmed with the support Mom needs, and could really use more help and involvement from you two."

3. Scratch this sentence: "While we can afford to do that, it does seem like her other two children could help some too, even if not to a proportionate extent". Instead: "If there is any way you can contribute some portion of the monthly expenses, I would greatly appreciate the assistance, no matter how much it is".

4. "I don’t mind this, she is my mom and I love her, but I think you both need to step up a bit on this front": Again, lecture-y and unlikely to be met with acceptance from your brothers. Instead, state specifically what you want them to do. Do you want someone to take over the scheduling of doctor's appointments? Or management of medicine? Or management of food/meals? Think about what things would make sense for a division of labor - if you have three people all trying to coordinate medical appointments, it'll be a mess, so find those things that can be carved off and handed over 100%. Ask your brothers to take over those specific things.

5: "I know you would want to spend time with her before it’s too late" Scratch this. It serves no purpose other than to make them feel guilty. Not helpful or productive.

In short: don't focus on lecturing them on their relationship with their mother, or on your resentment that they are "not contributing". Focus instead on what specifically you want them to do. You want them to read the letter and think "yeah, I can do that", not "what a b ... where does she get off telling me that I'm not being a good son, doesn't she know that I have x y and z to deal with myself".

PP articulated exactly what bothered me about the original letter - way too lecturey and attempting to use guilt. Be direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the selfishness in the responses. Yes you need to help your parents. The law may not compel you to but morality does.

And I'm shocked at the sanctimony/narrowmindedness of yours. A lot of people are struggling themselves and simply aren't in a position to assist their parents without sacrificing their own futures/those of their children and others may have legitimate reasons (abuse, neglect, etc) for being unwilling to help. The fact of the matter is that in the US there are far more gov resources to help the elderly than other age brackets, so it's not a question of leaving your parents to die in the streets.

[Anonymous]

Drop all the "you need to" language and say what you can and cannot do. "We have been paying $2000/month, but we're not able to continue doing this. Can you share these costs with us, 1/3 each?"

Don't give a lot of reasons. You need to not invite editorial commentary on your life from these guys. They sound pretty clueless.

Agree times eleven that this should be by phone. Letters like this destroy families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your mom do during the hurricane in Florida, Op? Did your brothers check in with her at all?

I flew her here. They sent notes after the fact thanking me for taking care of her.

O.k. during your visit with her did you notice a change in her?

Not sure I understand the question.

Did you find her less capable of living independently and more reliant on others (namely you) than is normal for her. Do you anticipate her needing more help soon.