Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom

[Anonymous]

Don't send that letter. Just call them to tell them, call again until they do.

That letter could be a shot across the bow, keep it for notes to yourself when calling.

[Anonymous]

Is your mom driving herself to/from her own doctor appts? Is she buying her own groceries and cooking her own meals? Is she cleaning her apt herself? Is she taking her own medication properly?

Maybe you need to look into senior living that provides some assistance with cooking/cleaning/shuttling, as well as, some social activities. I don't think that you (or your siblings) can possibly do it all from hundreds of miles away. Maybe ask your siblings for their input and suggestions.

[Anonymous]

If your mother is able to live on her own, then she should be the one asking for help from her sons, not you. It sounds like you are an enabler. You are basically financially supporting her but not asking her to make changes that will make it easier on you.

I also think your tone is condescending. Your brothers get to make theor own choices about the level of involvement they have with your mom.

Again, if she is of sound mind, sh can speak for herself. She is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Never ever ask for help or send a letter like that. We fully provide for my MIL. My BIL does nothing. Not even call. It is your choice.

You need to get mom into income based senior housing. You need to get her on food stamps, cash assistance (minimal but anything is better than nothing) and medical assistance which will cover the part B of medicaid. You need to apply for utility assistance as well. There are other options vs. demanding money.

[Anonymous]

This may have already been mentioned, but do not include in the letter or mention when speaking to them on the phone that you can afford the $2000 a month. That is the one thing they will latch onto and use to justify not helping financially.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts:

1. It's fine to say this in a letter, but prepared for a follow-up phone call, Skype, or in-person discussion to hash out the details.

2. Your 2nd sentence sounds awfully lecture-y right off the bat. I'd rephrase from "I think you need to be more involved with Mom" to "I'm getting overwhelmed with the support Mom needs, and could really use more help and involvement from you two."

3. Scratch this sentence: "While we can afford to do that, it does seem like her other two children could help some too, even if not to a proportionate extent". Instead: "If there is any way you can contribute some portion of the monthly expenses, I would greatly appreciate the assistance, no matter how much it is".

4. "I don’t mind this, she is my mom and I love her, but I think you both need to step up a bit on this front": Again, lecture-y and unlikely to be met with acceptance from your brothers. Instead, state specifically what you want them to do. Do you want someone to take over the scheduling of doctor's appointments? Or management of medicine? Or management of food/meals? Think about what things would make sense for a division of labor - if you have three people all trying to coordinate medical appointments, it'll be a mess, so find those things that can be carved off and handed over 100%. Ask your brothers to take over those specific things.

5: "I know you would want to spend time with her before it’s too late" Scratch this. It serves no purpose other than to make them feel guilty. Not helpful or productive.

In short: don't focus on lecturing them on their relationship with their mother, or on your resentment that they are "not contributing". Focus instead on what specifically you want them to do. You want them to read the letter and think "yeah, I can do that", not "what a b ... where does she get off telling me that I'm not being a good son, doesn't she know that I have x y and z to deal with myself".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mother is able to live on her own, then she should be the one asking for help from her sons, not you. It sounds like you are an enabler. You are basically financially supporting her but not asking her to make changes that will make it easier on you.

I also think your tone is condescending. Your brothers get to make theor own choices about the level of involvement they have with your mom.

Again, if she is of sound mind, sh can speak for herself. She is an adult.

I agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. My brother does very little for my Dad and is a permanent man-child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your letter is not good. It is vague and not specific and does not ask for anything.

Also, for the love of god don't use unnecessary quotation marks in the first sentence. And then your second sentence could be said directly. you bet around the bush. And then you try to use guilt (you'll regret not spending time with her). It's just weak and passive and obviously the sister.

Be direct -

Hi all, We need to have a sibling talk. As mom has aged, I've taken on a lot of the tasks associated with helping her. It's been ok so far, but I need you to know what I'm doing now, and we need to discuss how we can make this equitable moving forward.

1. Mom's care costs between 1800-2000K. We've been paying this for X long, but as time goes by and this is becoming permanent, it's only fair that we split this cost. I know we have more resources right now, so I'm willing to cover half, if you two will cover 25% each. Can we discuss if this is fair? Can you contribute, and if so how much?

2. Mom needs a little more emotional support than we've been giving her. I visit her twice a year and call every three days. If we each visited twice a year, we could have someone with her every other month, if we spaced them out. Can you make this commitment? Can you call her at least once per week?

3. and then whatever else you want - for example - I take on all discussions with the doctor. There's also the maintenance on her place, the eye doctor, the foot doctor, the car (Whatever it is). Cn we divide this in a way that we each have shared responsibility?

If we talk to each other on a regular basis, I'm sure we can stay on top of it. Let's have a conversation this weekend - I'll set up a three way call. Thanks, Sister.

This is a great letter!
Are your brothers married? Consider pulling in your sisters-in-law. In my family we need the wives buy in to proceed successfully with a plan like this. Maybe the grand children could help by calling/sending letters, etc.
Since you seem to have the best handle on your mom's daily needs (both medical and emotional--both equally important!) perhaps you could put together a spread sheet of needs to clearly define what needs to be done and by whom. Include weekly phone calls on the spreadsheet. It may be that some could take on more of the items on the spreadsheet to trade out sending more $$.
(All of this is reminding me I need to pick up meds for my moms procedure this week...signed, oldest daughter)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thoughts:

1. It's fine to say this in a letter, but prepared for a follow-up phone call, Skype, or in-person discussion to hash out the details.

2. Your 2nd sentence sounds awfully lecture-y right off the bat. I'd rephrase from "I think you need to be more involved with Mom" to "I'm getting overwhelmed with the support Mom needs, and could really use more help and involvement from you two."

3. Scratch this sentence: "While we can afford to do that, it does seem like her other two children could help some too, even if not to a proportionate extent". Instead: "If there is any way you can contribute some portion of the monthly expenses, I would greatly appreciate the assistance, no matter how much it is".

4. "I don’t mind this, she is my mom and I love her, but I think you both need to step up a bit on this front": Again, lecture-y and unlikely to be met with acceptance from your brothers. Instead, state specifically what you want them to do. Do you want someone to take over the scheduling of doctor's appointments? Or management of medicine? Or management of food/meals? Think about what things would make sense for a division of labor - if you have three people all trying to coordinate medical appointments, it'll be a mess, so find those things that can be carved off and handed over 100%. Ask your brothers to take over those specific things.

5: "I know you would want to spend time with her before it’s too late" Scratch this. It serves no purpose other than to make them feel guilty. Not helpful or productive.

In short: don't focus on lecturing them on their relationship with their mother, or on your resentment that they are "not contributing". Focus instead on what specifically you want them to do. You want them to read the letter and think "yeah, I can do that", not "what a b ... where does she get off telling me that I'm not being a good son, doesn't she know that I have x y and z to deal with myself".

You are a very good editor, PP

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't ask. You are already doing everything. You keep coordinating, but assign them their jobs. And tell them how much to send you each month. They will probably be relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would delete the last sentence. Instead, use something like, "Specifically, I'd like to work out between us how to better divide the help and emotional support she needs. How much money a month can each of us contribute? When can you visit her? When can she visit you? Who does mom call when she needs help with the (a)doctor, (b)dentist, (c)pharmacy, (d)Medicare, (e)grocery runs, (f) banking/checking, etc?" And then ask them to do a Skype meeting or a conference call.

Thx good point!

I would send a letter like the one above - just detailing the facts of what your mother needs and what needs to be divided up. I think you should delete the part of your original letter about feeling resentful and even the part about them not doing enough - trust me, that is ALL they will take away from the letter. All of the other words and thoughts will melt away and they will only read it as criticism and won't take it well.

Just be very matter of fact - this is what she needs, this is what we are able to do but we will need help. Can we talk about dividing up some of these responsibilities, etc.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone! Op here. I realize my first draft read like a journal entry- I will approach this, as counseled, in a less personal, business like way.

[Anonymous]

The letter is way too long and wordy.

Dear brothers

Here's what we've been contributing to mom's rent/food/spending money on a monthly/annual basis (see enclosed). We need to divide the expense and also set up a rotating schedule for calls and visits. I know you'll want to do your part. Let's set up a conference all for (suggested day and time, within a week so they don't have too much time to stew)

Sis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! Op here. I realize my first draft read like a journal entry- I will approach this, as counseled, in a less personal, business like way.

I wouldn't go for the business-like route personally. My brother and I get along fantastically well but every once in a while he sends me an email that sounds like it's going to some colleagues he doesn't know very well, and I really bristle. I would try to just explain what is going on and what you want from them. Don't assume they will do what you want, don't passive aggressively suggest it's a done deal - try to be human and reasonable about it.