Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.

If I didn't, he would be homeless, in tax trouble, and possibly dead for failure to manage his health. I think my mother was justified in divorcing him, but let's be real: it only solved the problem for her, not for me. My father truly loves me and I'm not willing to walk away from him like she did. I'm not telling OP not to divorce, but she should be real about what this means for her children in the long term.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, it seems you married a man who was never ever meant to be a father. In our society, there is too much pressure on people to have children and many who should not do. I think you need either to accept him as he is or divorce.

What attracted you to him in the first place? Are there things you love about him? Either focus on that or get out. He will not change if he doesn't want to, and it doesn't seem that he wants to.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am no ADHD expert, but if your DH starts out cleaning the kitchen and within five minutes is instead goofing off on his laptop, that does not sound like it is ADHD-related to me. It sounds like passive aggressive behavior.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. My ex used to do stuff just like this and did not have ADHD, or at least no diagnosis. He would also end up on his computer when he was "watching" the kids.

Anonymous wrote:A few things, OP. One is that people are different, and not everyone is a multitasker. You say above that if he stays with the children he makes literally no contribution to the household, like a meal cooked or a house project finished. Well, I am like that. If I am watching kids, I am probably not going to get anything else done - my brain just can't manage all that happening at once. That just may be the way your DH's brain works.

Second, when you describe your morning that was so frustrating, while your DH was feeding the kids eggs and toast, you were upstairs cleaning?!? Cleaning is what needs to be done when you all are in a rush? That sounds crazy to me. As you say, you get depressed when your standards are not met, so maybe it's depressing to you to leave a house when bedrooms aren't tidy or whatever. But that doesn't mean that your DH's approach is WRONG. I'd certainly prioritize a breakfast of eggs and a messy house over a breakfast of granola bars and a tidy house. You make it seem like there's one right way of doing things, and his is wrong.

I'd suggest the book, "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?" and maybe working with a couple's counselor who is very familiar with ADD and can actually coach you guys.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have recommendations for marriage counselors who have dealt with ADHD in the downtown area? I found the Adult ADD center at Dupont. I don't think he would ever walk through that door though. I will do research myself but would love to have any recommendations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.

If I didn't, he would be homeless, in tax trouble, and possibly dead for failure to manage his health. I think my mother was justified in divorcing him, but let's be real: it only solved the problem for her, not for me. My father truly loves me and I'm not willing to walk away from him like she did. I'm not telling OP not to divorce, but she should be real about what this means for her children in the long term.

Have to respond to the last PP with the incapable father. I'm in the same situation as you with my Dad, an no way in hell would I blame my mother for his issues. I completely understand why she divorced him, and anything I do for him is my choice. My dad would also be homeless at times were it not for me; however, there are government programs that can help both our fathers if they are so unable to mange themselves. Your anger with your mother is grossly misplaced. She is not obligated, nor should she be expected to stay with your dad simply because he's a PIA. Often these guys disguise these personality traits until the're past the honeymoon stage...so your mom probably didn't even know what she was getting into.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.

+100000
My father was like that, and there were things I would do and things I would not. I am a grown up and I can decide what I will and won't do for another person.
My father's irresponsibility was not a free pass to require me to do the things he would not.
Don't be mad because your mom did what you are not, saying NO!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus back in on what seems to be a medical issue for him, his ADD. Is he seeing a doctor or therapist regarding these issues, has he tried medication, or other organizing short cuts. Does he realize how frustrated you really are? Can he get his sh&t together for work? And lastly, is he getting worse or has he always been this way.

You need to figure out what you can do to help your DH.

I agree with this. Your DH has issues above and beyond the normal DH. It doesn't sound like he is even capable of handling things, regardless of his intent. What is his ADHD status? Is he getting help? How can you help him get the help he needs?

+1. How is he even holding down a job?

poorly. This is part of my consideration regarding a separation. I work, but essentially we are somewhat dependent on his family for lack of income on his part. Its really messy. We definitely need professional help, but he is extremely arrogant about admitting this to anyone and refuses to go to counseling for this. I think I will try to find someone who specializes in ADHD but not make a big deal about that angle of their practice. We had our last blow up about this in early summer.

I'm glad you're being realistic about what divorce would really be like.

My mom left my dad because he's an irresponsible pain in the ass. I get it, but I do feel like she dumped him on me without any regard to what it would be like for me long-term. I've been his next of kin since age 18, and I have to do his taxes every year, and manage all the medical stuff, and basically deal with everything on my own. It really sucks and it's getting worse-- I'll probably end up supporting him for a few decades when he runs out of money. Thanks, Mom![/quote]

How in the world is this your mother's fault? You don't have to fix everything for your Dad.

If I didn't, he would be homeless, in tax trouble, and possibly dead for failure to manage his health. I think my mother was justified in divorcing him, but let's be real: it only solved the problem for her, not for me. My father truly loves me and I'm not willing to walk away from him like she did. I'm not telling OP not to divorce, but she should be real about what this means for her children in the long term.

Long term, it means her children have to decide what they are willing and not willing to do for another grown ass person who will not do for themselves.
Your mom did the best thing for you, she freed herself from a destructive relationship with a user. You need to set some boundaries or stop complaining because your mom did just that. Enabling those you love is not loving them, it's an excuse to keep them close and mired in their own dysfunction.