Why did you marry?

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[Post New]09/15/2014 00:34
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Anonymous
I'm sincerely curious to know why those of you who are not happy with your spouses married those people. Did the relationship deteriorate over time, or were your problems present before your marriage, and were you aware of them and thought/hoped they would get better? If it's the latter, did you choose to ignore red flags because you felt like that person was your last chance at marriage and family?

My marriage is fairly new. I chose to ignore some red flags before we were married, feeling like if I wanted to have a family it was too late to start over with someone else. He felt like the last train leaving the station, and I think on some level he felt the same way about me. Plus - while troubled, he is a good person, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt him by leaving. Some days I feel like I've made a mistake, and some days I don't. We are trying to start a family and there are moments when I find myself thinking twice about it.
[Post New]09/15/2014 01:24
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SteveJackson
Member Offline
it's normal for every relationship to undergo some porblems. Anyway communication is important. talk to your partner about the things that bothers you.
[Post New]09/15/2014 01:54
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Anonymous
I would try couples counseling as soon as possible - before starting a family.
[Post New]09/15/2014 05:48
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Anonymous
When I was at your stage in my marriage, I had stars in my eyes for my DH. So for me, no way would I have married let alone brought children into this world with a man I was unsure of.

My DH is my perfect fit. Always was. Settling is disastrous.
[Post New]09/15/2014 06:03
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I'm sincerely curious to know why those of you who are not happy with your spouses married those people. Did the relationship deteriorate over time, or were your problems present before your marriage, and were you aware of them and thought/hoped they would get better? If it's the latter, did you choose to ignore red flags because you felt like that person was your last chance at marriage and family?

My marriage is fairly new. I chose to ignore some red flags before we were married, feeling like if I wanted to have a family it was too late to start over with someone else. He felt like the last train leaving the station, and I think on some level he felt the same way about me. Plus - while troubled, he is a good person, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt him by leaving. Some days I feel like I've made a mistake, and some days I don't. We are trying to start a family and there are moments when I find myself thinking twice about it.


Get yourself into counseling right away. Kids put a strain on marriage. Even on the best ones. You need to know how to deal with that before you have kids.
[Post New]09/15/2014 09:29
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Anonymous
I think this is complicated. Some people care more about having kids than having a good relationship. Kids will definitely strain the relationship and I don't think you know if they will bring you closer or be the final straw that breaks the relationship. And as I have found out, I love my son so dearly, but I never would have expected how challenging and life changing having kids can be. If you accept and understand this, and really want kids with him and are on the same page with him on this, go forward I suppose. I agree counseling first would be good if possible. Might help you sort some of this out. I have to say though, usually when someone sees a bunch of red flags, I think it means the relationship is likely doomed. Though definitely not in all cases. I have seen some work out and seen great relationships not work out so you never know, but starting with red flags seems more likely not to work out.
[Post New]09/15/2014 09:32
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Anonymous
929 again here, if you end up divorced with kids, you certainly wouldn't be the first person ever. But it is a hard road. I would just be realistic about things.
[Post New]09/15/2014 09:35
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Anonymous
Also if you end things, you could end up finding a perfect match and pregnant 6 months from now. Maybe not likely, but you just never know. Just do things you can live with and accept and be honest with your partner about your concerns before having kids.
[Post New]09/15/2014 10:37
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Anonymous
To have kids.

I ignored the yellow flags: warning signs that I wouldn't be as happy as I could be with his laziness, spendthrift ways, messiness and low sex drive.
[Post New]09/15/2014 11:29
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:To have kids.

I ignored the yellow flags: warning signs that I wouldn't be as happy as I could be with his laziness, spendthrift ways, messiness and low sex drive.


Now that you have kids - do you feel it was worth it?
[Post New]09/15/2014 11:36
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Anonymous
I have a good marriage. The only thing I tend to bitch about is sex. It was enthusiastic and frequent during the 4 years we dated before marriage and the 3 years of marriage before kids. Kids just zapped my wife's sex drive. Simple as that.
[Post New]09/15/2014 11:39
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Anonymous
Companionship and financial security.
[Post New]09/15/2014 11:40
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Companionship and financial security.


Oops didn't read the post. We are really happy so disregard.
[Post New]09/15/2014 12:01
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To have kids.

I ignored the yellow flags: warning signs that I wouldn't be as happy as I could be with his laziness, spendthrift ways, messiness and low sex drive.


Now that you have kids - do you feel it was worth it?


The kids were worth it. Question is whether he and I should have married, or just stuck to co-parenting. Jury's still out.
[Post New]09/15/2014 13:34
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I'm sincerely curious to know why those of you who are not happy with your spouses married those people. Did the relationship deteriorate over time, or were your problems present before your marriage, and were you aware of them and thought/hoped they would get better? If it's the latter, did you choose to ignore red flags because you felt like that person was your last chance at marriage and family?

My marriage is fairly new. I chose to ignore some red flags before we were married, feeling like if I wanted to have a family it was too late to start over with someone else. He felt like the last train leaving the station, and I think on some level he felt the same way about me. Plus - while troubled, he is a good person, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt him by leaving. Some days I feel like I've made a mistake, and some days I don't. We are trying to start a family and there are moments when I find myself thinking twice about it.


I am really concerned why many people are in such a 'race' to get married so they can have/do something, instead of naturally feeling that this is the person who they want to spend the rest of their lives with?! We are no longer in the 14th Century (pre-Romeo and Juliet) when everything else other than love required people to get married!

Do yourself, and your future kids (who WILL likely end up with emotional scars and lifelong insecurities) a favor and quit while it is safe to do so. Good luck to your husband who will end up with either a frustrating marriage, or child support drama, should you decide to proceed on this path.....

P.S. Just to add: the institution of marriage as we practice it post-Henry VIII (or even post-1945) is not for everyone. I think for whatever reason, you are equating the need for marriage with the need to be a parent.....while a traditional approach, it is never automatic that it will make you, your partner, and your future children happy. Then again, what do I know....I read too much and have gone through too much....
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