Why did you marry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry the person you love and cannot imagine life without.

Everything else is settling or business transaction - and eventually there can be no true happiness in such situations for either party.

+1

I agree with this.

I wanted to have kids with my husband because he was my best friend and I wanted to share the experience with him. I didn't see him as a vehicle to having kids. He and I existed before the kids and we will exist after the kids have left our home and have their own lives. He's still my favorite person to be with after 10+ years together.

If you want kids THAT badly, do it on your own. I understand that you had the dream of "a family" and achieving that family in a certain way...but you're already not going to achieve that dream. Just change your definition of a family or change your idea of how you get there.

What if you have a baby on your own and when the baby is young, you meet the love of your life and he has children already too? That would be a family. Open yourself up to all the possibilities life still has in front of you if you don't settle.

[Anonymous]

I got married because DH was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had doubts. The first year of marriage was probably the hardest. It got easier. Then there have been some really rocky times. When we had kids, things got really foreign. Lots of resentment. There are still good and bad days, and all those so-so days in between. But we are a family now and that's what is most important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was at your stage in my marriage, I had stars in my eyes for my DH. So for me, no way would I have married let alone brought children into this world with a man I was unsure of.

My DH is my perfect fit. Always was. Settling is disastrous.

+1. I know my DH isn't perfect (nor am I!) but early in my marriage he really had no faults. Even now many years later, he is pretty fantastic.

[Anonymous]

I think it's easy for those of you who found your "soul mates" to tell the rest of us not to settle. After dating for many, many years, I came to accept that "the perfect guy for me" was a needle in a big haystack, if he existed at all, and I would more likely die alone than find him. I was lonely. So I married someone who was good enough, and I'm working at making it work. And I love him more now than I did when we got married, so maybe it's working. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money.

Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was at your stage in my marriage, I had stars in my eyes for my DH. So for me, no way would I have married let alone brought children into this world with a man I was unsure of.

My DH is my perfect fit. Always was. Settling is disastrous.

How old were you then?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't blame you for settling. The bio clock is real. Just remember that the majority of marriages were for logical reasons until fairly recent.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my wife and I met, she was starting to get worried about her biological clock and I was tired of dating. Was there some part of getting together that was pragmatic vs. overwhelming love and lust? Perhaps, but we have built a very nice life with children and been extremely supportive of each other. if your husband is a good person, I would suggest you might be overthinking whatever is bothering you.

[Anonymous]

Got married so young, 22 and 23! We too had problems in our first year but overcame them.
Had children in our early 30's, they are the best!
Had many trials and tribulations and great times too. Never questioned being together forever.

My DH's midlife crisis is GOING to be the death of us

[Anonymous]

OP here - It wasn't a race for me - I was approaching the point at which I would no longer be able to get pregnant. And I always felt that I wanted a family, as opposed to only a baby/a child. I do love my husband and he is a good man, a good partner in a lot of ways. We want the same things in life, even if we don't have a lot in common and we're not passionately in love. We're an odd match; it will never be one of those relationships that fulfills all my needs. I will always need friends and outside interests to feel whole - but I think that's healthy in any relationship. I think most of our problems stem from the fact that we are struggling financially and my husband is working too much, which generates the stress that causes him to have the occasional outburst. I do believe our financial situation, and his work situation, will improve. I'm also depressed at the moment in the wake of a pregnancy loss. So maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down on my marriage. We have been through a lot of sadness since we got married and it has made us stronger as a couple. So there's something to be said for that.

I feel for you, OP, I really do. But i don't think anyone can tell you what to do, or what will happen if you stay, break up, have kids, etc. Each relationship is unique. Its easy for the people who felt like they met their "perfect match" and knew it was their perfect match and things have worked out great....easy for them to say "hold out for perfect, true love." It gets harder to meet people as you get older, and the biological clock is real and it casts a shadow over things at a certain point where you don't know whether you really love someone or are settling because you have a hard time disengaging your desire to make it work with the assessment of "is it working?".

But I will say this. Everyone has flaws and the issue is whether the flaws are deal breakers. My husband has a lot of flaws--some of them would be deal breakers for other on this site--but he has a lot of strengths too. Most days I am satisfied. Some days I am not. We are 6 years into marriage, with two young kids that I had at the tail end of my fertility window, and after a relatively short period dating. Like you, I wanted to have a family with a good guy. I found myself unexpectedly single at 35 and fearing it might never happen. I definitely fell in love with DH, there was romance and excitment--but I overlooked a lot of things because I so wanted it to work. So, there was love, but there was also the blinders, which others might see at 'settling.'

the thing I didn't really imagine was this: that once we had kids, it would be hard to imaging breaking up. Early in our marriage, I waffled at times like you did--we had some horrible fights and I saw a side to DH that I really disliked and that scared me and a couple times I thought maybe we shouldn't have gotten married. But we did some counseling, and we had kids, and now those 'big' things have receded and the smaller stuff is what we deal with day to day. Its not like we are together "for the kids", but its more like I don't really sit around thinking about whether we should or should not have gotten married, or whether our relationship is passionate enough, etc. I do think about it at times, and I long for some time together to reconnect more, but mostly we are immersed in the family building aspect of our lives.

also, I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling like your partner doesn't meet all your emotional needs. that's a big burden for anyone. DH fulfills many of my needs, but my friends, family, my own activities, etc are important to me as well.

anyway, I am rambling here a bit, but I think that what you are feeling is not unusual, and it is not a sign of doom. it is how many people feel in marriages, you are just there earlier because, perhaps, you're older, you've deal with some hard things, like a pregnancy loss, and you're still learning about each other at the same time. I wish you the best--I wish you success in your efforts to have a family and I wish that brings you both the contentment you seek.

[Anonymous]

I wish you the best--I wish you success in your efforts to have a family and I wish that brings you both the contentment you seek.

PP of the above here--I apologize for that wording. I wish you the best of success in your efforts to have children. Having a family is not dependent on kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here - It wasn't a race for me - I was approaching the point at which I would no longer be able to get pregnant. And I always felt that I wanted a family, as opposed to only a baby/a child. I do love my husband and he is a good man, a good partner in a lot of ways. We want the same things in life, even if we don't have a lot in common and we're not passionately in love. We're an odd match; it will never be one of those relationships that fulfills all my needs. I will always need friends and outside interests to feel whole - but I think that's healthy in any relationship. I think most of our problems stem from the fact that we are struggling financially and my husband is working too much, which generates the stress that causes him to have the occasional outburst. I do believe our financial situation, and his work situation, will improve. I'm also depressed at the moment in the wake of a pregnancy loss. So maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down on my marriage. We have been through a lot of sadness since we got married and it has made us stronger as a couple. So there's something to be said for that.

I feel for you, OP, I really do. But i don't think anyone can tell you what to do, or what will happen if you stay, break up, have kids, etc. Each relationship is unique. Its easy for the people who felt like they met their "perfect match" and knew it was their perfect match and things have worked out great....easy for them to say "hold out for perfect, true love." It gets harder to meet people as you get older, and the biological clock is real and it casts a shadow over things at a certain point where you don't know whether you really love someone or are settling because you have a hard time disengaging your desire to make it work with the assessment of "is it working?".

But I will say this. Everyone has flaws and the issue is whether the flaws are deal breakers. My husband has a lot of flaws--some of them would be deal breakers for other on this site--but he has a lot of strengths too. Most days I am satisfied. Some days I am not. We are 6 years into marriage, with two young kids that I had at the tail end of my fertility window, and after a relatively short period dating. Like you, I wanted to have a family with a good guy. I found myself unexpectedly single at 35 and fearing it might never happen. I definitely fell in love with DH, there was romance and excitment--but I overlooked a lot of things because I so wanted it to work. So, there was love, but there was also the blinders, which others might see at 'settling.'

the thing I didn't really imagine was this: that once we had kids, it would be hard to imaging breaking up. Early in our marriage, I waffled at times like you did--we had some horrible fights and I saw a side to DH that I really disliked and that scared me and a couple times I thought maybe we shouldn't have gotten married. But we did some counseling, and we had kids, and now those 'big' things have receded and the smaller stuff is what we deal with day to day. Its not like we are together "for the kids", but its more like I don't really sit around thinking about whether we should or should not have gotten married, or whether our relationship is passionate enough, etc. I do think about it at times, and I long for some time together to reconnect more, but mostly we are immersed in the family building aspect of our lives.

also, I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling like your partner doesn't meet all your emotional needs. that's a big burden for anyone. DH fulfills many of my needs, but my friends, family, my own activities, etc are important to me as well.

anyway, I am rambling here a bit, but I think that what you are feeling is not unusual, and it is not a sign of doom. it is how many people feel in marriages, you are just there earlier because, perhaps, you're older, you've deal with some hard things, like a pregnancy loss, and you're still learning about each other at the same time. I wish you the best--I wish you success in your efforts to have a family and I wish that brings you both the contentment you seek.

OP here - thank you, that was such a thoughtful response. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, and I hope I will find myself where you are soon. I am married to a man who does pulls his weight around the house, wants to be a daddy and tells me he loves me every day. I am fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Before bringing another human being into this world, please figure out whether or not you should spend the rest of your life w/this person.

If things are not good between him + you, trust me...Having a child will bring things down tenfold. Plus, it is never wise or fair to bring an innocent child into an unhappy situation only to suffer in an unhappy home for his/her whole childhood.

You should never stay w/someone just because you think he is your last chance and that time is running out. Life is not a ticking time bomb.

It is much better to be alone and possibly remain childless than to be miserable w/someone and be bound to them w/a child just because you thought your time had run out.

As a single mother, you could also have a child you know. These days there are many options at your disposal. And they do not involve marrying someone who you question 50% of the time if you made the right or wrong choice by marrying them.

Just some food for thought....