Why did you marry?

[Anonymous]

Money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really concerned why many people are in such a 'race' to get married so they can have/do something, instead of naturally feeling that this is the person who they want to spend the rest of their lives with?! We are no longer in the 14th Century (pre-Romeo and Juliet) when everything else other than love required people to get married!

Do yourself, and your future kids (who WILL likely end up with emotional scars and lifelong insecurities) a favor and quit while it is safe to do so. Good luck to your husband who will end up with either a frustrating marriage, or child support drama, should you decide to proceed on this path.....

P.S. Just to add: the institution of marriage as we practice it post-Henry VIII (or even post-1945) is not for everyone. I think for whatever reason, you are equating the need for marriage with the need to be a parent.....while a traditional approach, it is never automatic that it will make you, your partner, and your future children happy. Then again, what do I know....I read too much and have gone through too much....

OP here - It wasn't a race for me - I was approaching the point at which I would no longer be able to get pregnant. And I always felt that I wanted a family, as opposed to only a baby/a child. I do love my husband and he is a good man, a good partner in a lot of ways. We want the same things in life, even if we don't have a lot in common and we're not passionately in love. We're an odd match; it will never be one of those relationships that fulfills all my needs. I will always need friends and outside interests to feel whole - but I think that's healthy in any relationship. I think most of our problems stem from the fact that we are struggling financially and my husband is working too much, which generates the stress that causes him to have the occasional outburst. I do believe our financial situation, and his work situation, will improve. I'm also depressed at the moment in the wake of a pregnancy loss. So maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down on my marriage. We have been through a lot of sadness since we got married and it has made us stronger as a couple. So there's something to be said for that.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, a very hard time to go through.
I would wait on kids even though you will want one more now since your loss. Your yellow flags with him or even small annoyances with turn to raging fire red flags with kids. Just saying. And if you have more than annoyances and nothing in common and especially not in love with him, your life may be hell later with kids.

I love my man, crazy for the guy actually still after 7 years. Some of his lazy traits made me raise an eyebrow prior to kids. To this day and past few years it's nails on a chalk board and enough for me to seriously throw a shoe at him. He drives me mad.

Either way good luck, just prioritize what you want in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am really concerned why many people are in such a 'race' to get married so they can have/do something, instead of naturally feeling that this is the person who they want to spend the rest of their lives with?! We are no longer in the 14th Century (pre-Romeo and Juliet) when everything else other than love required people to get married!

Do yourself, and your future kids (who WILL likely end up with emotional scars and lifelong insecurities) a favor and quit while it is safe to do so. Good luck to your husband who will end up with either a frustrating marriage, or child support drama, should you decide to proceed on this path.....

P.S. Just to add: the institution of marriage as we practice it post-Henry VIII (or even post-1945) is not for everyone. I think for whatever reason, you are equating the need for marriage with the need to be a parent.....while a traditional approach, it is never automatic that it will make you, your partner, and your future children happy. Then again, what do I know....I read too much and have gone through too much....

OP here - It wasn't a race for me - I was approaching the point at which I would no longer be able to get pregnant. And I always felt that I wanted a family, as opposed to only a baby/a child. I do love my husband and he is a good man, a good partner in a lot of ways. We want the same things in life, even if we don't have a lot in common and we're not passionately in love. We're an odd match; it will never be one of those relationships that fulfills all my needs. I will always need friends and outside interests to feel whole - but I think that's healthy in any relationship. I think most of our problems stem from the fact that we are struggling financially and my husband is working too much, which generates the stress that causes him to have the occasional outburst. I do believe our financial situation, and his work situation, will improve. I'm also depressed at the moment in the wake of a pregnancy loss. So maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit down on my marriage. We have been through a lot of sadness since we got married and it has made us stronger as a couple. So there's something to be said for that.

I sympathize and can only recommend that you go talk with a professional. It may help you clarify your priorities and help you understand what makes you truly happy. However, if I am to sum up:

1. You were approaching the point at which you would no longer be able to get pregnant.

2. You conflated your 'need to have a family' with spending the rest of your life with a guy who does NOT 'fulfill all your needs' or 'makes you feel whole', but somehow is eligible to be the father of your kids.

3. Unfortunately, your attempts at getting pregnant have not worked out so far.

Sometimes nature has a way of showing us signs and saves us from making a mistake escalate into a disaster. I just think it is better to deal with forgoing parenting, than signing up for a potentially frustrating life with someone (which will exponentially escalate when children come into the picture).

Finally, I think you are making excuses. Money or financial stability can never buy what your relationship lacks, or what it takes to make you deeply happy.

Talk with a professional and all the best x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was at your stage in my marriage, I had stars in my eyes for my DH. So for me, no way would I have married let alone brought children into this world with a man I was unsure of.

My DH is my perfect fit. Always was. Settling is disastrous.

I always used to say that us stay single over settling.

I did meet somebody I was absolutely crazy about in my mid-20s so I wonder if I would have stuck to my guns on that if I were 10 years older.

[Anonymous]

Met him in college, fell in love, married him at 25. Still married, almost 15 years later- still love him, too. It's not perfect, but we're committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To have kids.

I ignored the yellow flags: warning signs that I wouldn't be as happy as I could be with his laziness, spendthrift ways, messiness and low sex drive.

Now that you have kids - do you feel it was worth it?

The kids were worth it. Question is whether he and I should have married, or just stuck to co-parenting. Jury's still out.

NP. What seems like a huge red flag now is the fact that I told all of my friends "I think I just met the father of my children." It didn't occur to me at the time that I should have been thinking something like "the man I love," or "my future husband." He gave me two glorious children. We had a wedding between the two because my mother wanted one. We were divorced by the time the second child was born.

Wouldn't trade that nightmare for anything in the world. I still am completely certain that I was meant to have his children. They make up the very, very best of each of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met him in college, fell in love, married him at 25. Still married, almost 15 years later- still love him, too. It's not perfect, but we're committed.

+1. Met in college, fell in love, married at 25. 20+ years of marriage, and still the best decision of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was at your stage in my marriage, I had stars in my eyes for my DH. So for me, no way would I have married let alone brought children into this world with a man I was unsure of.

My DH is my perfect fit. Always was. Settling is disastrous.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sincerely curious to know why those of you who are not happy with your spouses married those people. Did the relationship deteriorate over time, or were your problems present before your marriage, and were you aware of them and thought/hoped they would get better? If it's the latter, did you choose to ignore red flags because you felt like that person was your last chance at marriage and family?

My marriage is fairly new. I chose to ignore some red flags before we were married, feeling like if I wanted to have a family it was too late to start over with someone else. He felt like the last train leaving the station, and I think on some level he felt the same way about me. Plus - while troubled, he is a good person, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt him by leaving. Some days I feel like I've made a mistake, and some days I don't. We are trying to start a family and there are moments when I find myself thinking twice about it.

Get yourself into counseling right away. Kids put a strain on marriage. Even on the best ones. You need to know how to deal with that before you have kids.

Sorry. Counseling can't help the person that simply isn't in love the way they should be. Counseling is for those who love the person, but despite that, have other issues to work out that put a stain on a marriage despite being in love. Counseling can't fix the problem that you settled for someone you are not in love with. That's not to say there is necessarily a problem with settling. Many (maybe most) people do just that. But if your issue is that you think you may not be a person that can settle then counseling won't fix that. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Princess Bride and a love for rolling down hills.

[Anonymous]

Op I was very happy pre marriage. Married DH for all the right reasons. But we never loved together and that was hard, so many of my gfs talked about this. Many of us wanted out bc we had never lived together and it was too much. Communication and understanding is important. I also became pregnant (surprise) in our first year. This was stressful for us both. We had never worked out loving together and 17months later were parents. Anyways, 8 yrs later with a newborn we are in a great place. Basically I'm saying marriage is hard work and requires woke from both ppl. We both had the same long term goals and were committed but did fight a lot along the way. We didn't have baby number two until we were solid again and enjoying our marriage. Money wasn't an issue for us. We were both doing very well. It was just having different expectations of what marriage was ans it's reality and the pregnancy surprise was too much too soon.

Best of luck. Counselling is a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I was very happy pre marriage. Married DH for all the right reasons. But we never loved together and that was hard, so many of my gfs talked about this. Many of us wanted out bc we had never lived together and it was too much. Communication and understanding is important. I also became pregnant (surprise) in our first year. This was stressful for us both. We had never worked out loving together and 17months later were parents. Anyways, 8 yrs later with a newborn we are in a great place. Basically I'm saying marriage is hard work and requires woke from both ppl. We both had the same long term goals and were committed but did fight a lot along the way. We didn't have baby number two until we were solid again and enjoying our marriage. Money wasn't an issue for us. We were both doing very well. It was just having different expectations of what marriage was ans it's reality and the pregnancy surprise was too much too soon.

Best of luck. Counselling is a great idea.

I don't agree that this is the best option for OP.

[Anonymous]

Marry the person you love and cannot imagine life without.

Everything else is settling or business transaction - and eventually there can be no true happiness in such situations for either party.

[Anonymous]