Has My Mother Lost Her Mind?

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[Post New]11/01/2008 12:51
Anonymous
OP - maybe there is more to it, but let me get this straight...

you feel entitled to take the brand new/expensive maclearn seat, that your mom bought, (will you reimburse her for it?) simply because you'll get more practical use out of than she will?

Sure, most moms wouldn't mind helping their daughters out by allowing them to borrow/use things (especially practical ones), but if your mom says No, well, you gotta respect that (as much at that irritates you and doesn't make sense).

No offense, but I could see why your mom isn't talking to you. It really comes across as rude, greedy, and self-centered (although I'm sure you didn't mean to be).

Plus, you don't say in your post HOW you asked to borrow the maclearn. Did you demand it, were you walking half way out the door with it, did you plead your case, did you emphasize/hint how helpful having it would be, etc.?
[Post New]11/01/2008 13:12
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP - maybe there is more to it, but let me get this straight...


quote]

Yes, there is much more to it. (I'm not the OP.) In most families, people care about each other. Family members are part of a group. The OP's mom's actions are saying, 'I don't care about you, OP, but I adore my grandchild.' Sorry, it doesn't work that way. She can't have the grandchild without the daughter who is the child's mother. Most people can see that this woman's actions are bizarre. You said yourself, "Sure, most moms wouldn't mind helping their daughters out by allowing them to borrow/use things (especially practical ones)..."
[Post New]11/01/2008 13:28
Anonymous
OP here-

Ahhh. I didn't demand the chair. I asked my mom if I could BORROW it for our daughter, for whom she bought it for. I told her I would RETURN it to her everytime we came to her house with the baby. My husband and I needed a chair for her, and it seemed silly for my mom to keep it just to look at, where it wouldn't be used because the baby wasn't there! There are no other children or grandchildren.

I simply was hoping that my mom would help me out. Her actions to me said, "Yes, you helped me pick this out for the baby, but it is for me to have and look at, not for you to use. Sorry, go get your own. This is mine."

Which is completely her right, etc. I didn't see my actions as greedy, simply practical. During that weekend, there was a lot of "Look at everything I have for the baby! Isn't it lovely? " This, knowing that my husband and I are on very tight budgets, and it was sometimes painful to see things for our child that we weren't capable of doing for her, and that she would never really be able to use them. It just seemed so silly! The purpose could only be a shadow nursery and a constant reminder for my mom of the child.

It is not about the material issues at the end of the day. It is about working as a family to make sure the baby's needs are met, and being respectful of feelings. I told her, be it irrational, that it was hard for me to see her nursery, etc., and know that we couldn't do the same. This is when she told me I was being ungrateful and selfish. I wasn't thinking so much about myself, but my baby.

I agree with others say about being respectful and accepting of who she is, and try to keep my feelings in check. I have some new mom stuff going on, perhaps not thinking as clearly as I should. Thanks for those who provided multiple perspectives on this situation, realizing it seems very trivial to some. I understand that as well.

[Post New]11/01/2008 14:23
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why this would make anyone upset - I would love for my mom (or MIL) to have a nursery set up for us when we visit!! I could care less about the expense or lack thereof of the baby gear, I hate having to lug our own. Just came back from a weekend visit w/in-laws and I am exhausted b/c there is no good place for the little ones to sleep as well as no good place to put the baby down (would love to have had a chair there!!)

I actually clicked on your post b/c I thought it was actually about dealing with your mom loosing her mind (which is a concern of mine for my mom who is 70 and increasingly forgetful) - your issue seems like a total non-issue to me. My advice is to gain some perspective (the PP who lost her mom had the right advice!) b/c there are much bigger problems out there.


Well, you just don't get it, do you?

Commenting just to say this is a "non-issue" is completely rude and pointless. Why don't you just keep your trap shut politely if you don't have anything of substance to say.


Actually, no, the OP asked for opinions as to whether or not she was overreacting, so it is completely reasonable for people to take her at her word and comment that they think she is indeed overreacting. Moreover, saying "why don't you keep your trap shut" is far, far ruder than posters giving sincere comments to the OP.



You are right that what I said was rude, and I do apologize for saying that. I got my steam up and spoke too harshly. I'm sorry.

What got my steam up was the condescension in this poster's statement. Using phrases like "I just don't get why this would make anyone upset" and "your issue seems like a total non-issue to me" and "gain some perspective" are said in a way that doesn't just share a different opinion, it actually insults the OP for having theirs.

There are tons of posts on this site where you might think "who cares?" or "get over it already!" But does saying those things really help anyone? No. If you can't contribute anything to discussion, besides insulting the OP for their opinion, then why not just stay politely quiet. There were plenty of others who said they thought the OP shouldn't worry so much about it, but they didn't have to say it in such a rude way and imply the OP's feelings aren't valid.


I wrote the post that is quoted first and I certainly did not mean to be condensing or insult the OP. OP asked for opinions on the situaton and I was stating mine. Sometimes I think when folks read postings on this board and react so harshly it is b/c they are reading a tone into the post that isn't there. I wrote "I just don't get why this would make anyone upset" b/c I sincerely don't understand why this situation would upset anyone - I don't mean that to sound inslting or condensing. My parents and in-laws are the opposite (no arrangements for baby when we visit) and so maybe it's just that the grass is always greener...
[Post New]11/01/2008 22:20
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here-

***
It is not about the material issues at the end of the day. It is about working as a family to make sure the baby's needs are met, and being respectful of feelings. I told her, be it irrational, that it was hard for me to see her nursery, etc., and know that we couldn't do the same. This is when she told me I was being ungrateful and selfish. I wasn't thinking so much about myself, but my baby.

I agree with others say about being respectful and accepting of who she is, and try to keep my feelings in check. I have some new mom stuff going on, perhaps not thinking as clearly as I should. Thanks for those who provided multiple perspectives on this situation, realizing it seems very trivial to some. I understand that as well.



give yourself room to react, but maybe take some deep breaths before you express your reaction? It sounds like your mom is out in left field, and maybe cannot respond rationally to you right now? You probably feel really hurt that you are on a budget and she is not generous. But possibly, expressing that to her will not be productive. It may mean taking some steps back from her right now. And ask your DH for a little extra support, it sounds like you need that right now. (my mom does similar weird/hurtful things, but she can't be changed, as painful as it is) Good luck!!
[Post New]11/01/2008 23:09
lkhharper@aol.com
Member Offline
Mother daughter relationships are challenging. But she basically bought furniture for HER house with HER $. If it is what makes her happy...then so be it...let her be happy.

OP, you too can get some nice things but you have to be creative. For example, if you live in DC you can get a car seat for $25...a quite nice one. Not MacLaren...but MacSafety You certainly cannot change your mother. I say get to her house and take advantage of that stuff being there as soon as possible.
[Post New]11/01/2008 23:45
Anonymous
Hey OP. I understand. It sounds to me like your mother's actions are sadistic or in the very least, passive-aggressive. She bought things for the "baby" that are obviously not for the baby. She could have been way more generous and let you borrow the items.

Sorry you are dealing with this!
[Post New]11/02/2008 00:50
Anonymous
LOL, maybe you can get a little dig back at her in a few years by setting up an art wall of framed pieces your DD drew or painted for Grandma, but they have to stay at your house! Yes, you know DD intended them for Grandma, but she'll just have to enjoy them at your house when she comes to visit.

Sorry your Mom is being very petty and passive-aggressive! Maybe she'll snap out of it. Is your dad able to talk sense into her or shame her?
[Post New]11/02/2008 03:11
Anonymous
I feel really badly for you OP. Seriously, this is one of those situations that I would want to work through in therapy. I have to guess that for someone to act like that now, she must have done other things as you grew up that have upset you?
I don't live near my parents and when we visit they have a place they call that does weekly rentals for cribs, etc and she happily gets that set up before we arrive. I'm going to run this by her but I can't imagine that she won't agree that it is weird. Just because she is older does not make her actions reasonable. I hope you find a way to work this out but I would be so upset, hurt, resentful etc if my Mom acted that way.
[Post New]11/02/2008 04:55
Anonymous
OP - your mom definitely has issues. She seems to need to derive happiness from material things. Unfortunately, you cannot change her.

My mom and I went through some issues when DD was born. In retrospect, I said a few things I wish I hadn't, even though I was right (confirmed my my sister, grandmother and friends). Take a deep breath before reacting and try to let things go. It does not mean you agree with her. It just means you are not allowing her to bring negativity onto you.

Please also be careful not to let yourself get into the "things" either. The talk of the MacLaren seat has that ring to it. We are also on a tight budget, which is why I would have to get my baby seat at a consignment sale or on Craig's List and it might be Fisher-Price.

"Things" don't make babies happy. Happy moms and dads who show love and affection make happy babies.
[Post New]11/02/2008 06:22
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:We went to my parent's house last week with our 1 month old. My mother has turned a bedroom pretty much into a nursery, with an antique crib, embriodered sheets, closet full of very expensive clothes, etc. Downstairs, there was a beautiful MacLauren seat for a baby 0-6 monthes.

In my head, I was a little upset because I can't buy these gorgeous things for the baby. We got our crib from Overstock, and have hand me down sheets and mattress. I can't dress her in smocked dresses or have a French theme in her nursery.

When we were leaving, I asked if we could borrow the MacLauren, and return it with the baby at Thanksgiving. My mom said no. It all stays here. (?) We live four hours away, and will only be at my parents house 3-4 times a year.

I got pissed, and told my mom she was being unreasonable. All of these beautiful clothes, the chair, etc. just to sit in her house?

She hasn't talked to me since. I feel like I walked into another new mother's home, compared nurseries, and got upset. I told her this, and she told me I was being selfish.

Has she lost her mind? Or am I the weird one here?



OP -- it's very simple. the stuff belongs to your mother. get your own stuff.
[Post New]11/02/2008 09:22
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We went to my parent's house last week with our 1 month old. My mother has turned a bedroom pretty much into a nursery, with an antique crib, embriodered sheets, closet full of very expensive clothes, etc. Downstairs, there was a beautiful MacLauren seat for a baby 0-6 monthes.

In my head, I was a little upset because I can't buy these gorgeous things for the baby. We got our crib from Overstock, and have hand me down sheets and mattress. I can't dress her in smocked dresses or have a French theme in her nursery.

When we were leaving, I asked if we could borrow the MacLauren, and return it with the baby at Thanksgiving. My mom said no. It all stays here. (?) We live four hours away, and will only be at my parents house 3-4 times a year.

I got pissed, and told my mom she was being unreasonable. All of these beautiful clothes, the chair, etc. just to sit in her house?

She hasn't talked to me since. I feel like I walked into another new mother's home, compared nurseries, and got upset. I told her this, and she told me I was being selfish.

Has she lost her mind? Or am I the weird one here?



OP -- it's very simple. the stuff belongs to your mother. get your own stuff.


No, it's not that simple. It would be like if the OP's mother had some illness that required her to be either in bed or in a wheelchair, and OP went out and furnished a room in her own home with a hospital style deluxe bed and a scooter in her garage that she intended to keep for her mom's occasional visits 2-3x/year. The elder mother needed those things, and didn't have them at home. When the elder mother asked her daughter if she could have them, daughter said no, she wants to keep them with her for when her mom visits, and to remind her of her mom when she's not there.

Drastic, yes - but that's the gist of why the OP is ticked, IMO.
[Post New]11/02/2008 09:35
Anonymous
great analogy, PP
[Post New]11/02/2008 11:49
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


I wrote the post that is quoted first and I certainly did not mean to be condensing or insult the OP. OP asked for opinions on the situaton and I was stating mine. Sometimes I think when folks read postings on this board and react so harshly it is b/c they are reading a tone into the post that isn't there. I wrote "I just don't get why this would make anyone upset" b/c I sincerely don't understand why this situation would upset anyone - I don't mean that to sound inslting or condensing. My parents and in-laws are the opposite (no arrangements for baby when we visit) and so maybe it's just that the grass is always greener...


And I wrote the post where I lost my steam. Again, sorry for that.

You are right that its hard, to impossible, to read tones on this board. So we have to go on the words alone. Your words, whether you meant it or not, were condescending imo. Its one thing to say "I can't understand what you are going through because my family is so different" as opposed to "I just don't get why this SHOULD make ANYONE upset (emphasis added)." How would you respond if someone said that to you, those exact words? To me, that is offensive.

Use this as opportunity to see that maybe word choice matters. Just as, if you asked your child to "please be quiet" that is different than "shut your trap." And again, sorry I said that in response to your post which really rubbed me the wrong way.

[Post New]11/02/2008 11:54
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP - maybe there is more to it, but let me get this straight...

you feel entitled to take the brand new/expensive maclearn seat, that your mom bought, (will you reimburse her for it?) simply because you'll get more practical use out of than she will?

Sure, most moms wouldn't mind helping their daughters out by allowing them to borrow/use things (especially practical ones), but if your mom says No, well, you gotta respect that (as much at that irritates you and doesn't make sense).

No offense, but I could see why your mom isn't talking to you. It really comes across as rude, greedy, and self-centered (although I'm sure you didn't mean to be).

Plus, you don't say in your post HOW you asked to borrow the maclearn. Did you demand it, were you walking half way out the door with it, did you plead your case, did you emphasize/hint how helpful having it would be, etc.?


WOW, I couldn't disagree with you more here on every point. I don't think the OP ever said she felt "entitled" to anything. She said she asked to borrow the durned chair to be returned when the baby came to visit (and hence, actually needed to sit in it). I can't imagine what is so selfish about that? The baby will get 100% full use of the chair at Grandma's because it will be returned with her. And it doesn't sound like grandma will share the chair with anyone else ever, and doesn't seem the type to re-sell it, so I don't get the reimbursement comment at all.

Considering that the nursery, and all the objects there, were actually purchased presumably for the infant, how is it selfish to ask to "borrow" them for use by the infant?
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