Has My Mother Lost Her Mind?

[Anonymous]

I think that although yor mom has every right to purchase, have, and keep these things that it is selfish and not what one would expect from her mother. I would be really pissed too. The ILs mentioned keeping things at their home for DS and I thought "why?" he's never there -- he could really use those things at home. It's too long of a story to get into here but it is absolutey a control thing, which to me is strange, since it is our baby ... they have no control. Anyway, clearly I am one of those people mentioned above with MIL/IL issues. I have to say, my own mom, who lives 3 states away, would give me and/or my baby anything she has and would probably not think twice about it. She doesn't have much but that doesn't matter - just knowing where her heart is is enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went to my parent's house last week with our 1 month old. My mother has turned a bedroom pretty much into a nursery, with an antique crib, embriodered sheets, closet full of very expensive clothes, etc. Downstairs, there was a beautiful MacLauren seat for a baby 0-6 monthes.

In my head, I was a little upset because I can't buy these gorgeous things for the baby. We got our crib from Overstock, and have hand me down sheets and mattress. I can't dress her in smocked dresses or have a French theme in her nursery.

When we were leaving, I asked if we could borrow the MacLauren, and return it with the baby at Thanksgiving. My mom said no. It all stays here. (?) We live four hours away, and will only be at my parents house 3-4 times a year.

I got pissed, and told my mom she was being unreasonable. All of these beautiful clothes, the chair, etc. just to sit in her house?

She hasn't talked to me since. I feel like I walked into another new mother's home, compared nurseries, and got upset. I told her this, and she told me I was being selfish.

Has she lost her mind? Or am I the weird one here?

OP, I guess I'd need to know more about your history with your mom. Does she usually try to "one-up" you? Or is she just excited about having a grandbaby and hoping DC will come (and stay) there often? Or maybe there are other grandbabies on the way, of other siblings? Or maybe she's a shopaholic with a new excuse to splurge? Has she always been stingy or is this out of character for her?

As for not lending you the item, that may not be very nice, but it is her choice to lend or not to lend her things out. When you ask someone for a favor like that, they are free to say no. Maybe she threw you a shower and you already have a baby seat, if not a MacLauren, whatever that is Or you have a history of not always taking care of her things? Or something else we can't know about....

I would apologize to your mom for getting upset about the stoller and calling her selfish. That may be true, but you were a guest in her home and no guest has a right to angrily confront their host for declining to lend them something. Even if she's your mom, and even if she's weird for the extreme nursery, manners and being polite still apply. If you can't handle the nursery thing or her general behavior, I would see her less.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me appreciate my mom! She is THRILLED to have a grandbaby, but she wants to enjoy my daughter as well as help me out. When we called from the hospital to tell her my daughter was born, she asked all about the new baby, cried, etc., and then almost immediately said, "And how is MY baby doing?" (meaning me). It was really nice to hear. My parents keep things at their house for my child to make it easier on us when we travel to visit, and I can also totally understand keeping a few special toys only at Grandma's, but a utilitarian object like a bouncy seat that one uses when a baby is tiny? It's not like a baby can remember, "Gee, I really like the bouncy seat at Granny's. Can't wait to go back!" My mother would have happily given us such an object if we could have used it, and I am sorry that OP's mom doesn't feel the same way. I would feel frustrated too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The PP who said Grandma is celebrating HER grandchild rather than YOUR child has it right. That's the botom line, and we can debate Maclarens and kitchens and untimely deaths all we want, but it's all an aside.

How do I know? Because I have one of these borderline narcissists, too, and the bad news is that it doesn't get better with time.

DC is 5 now and granny just keeps upping the ante. Most recently: tells DC that she wants to take him, and only him, on a trip to France with her very soon. We are not French, don't "need a couples trip," whatever. She just wants to create increasingly over-the-top fantasies of what a grandmother does with a grandchild. Then she tells all her friends!

This person has it right. I suggest the OP do some research on borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder because this example from what I can tell is typical behavior of someone like this. They are also right - it doesn't get better with time and in fact gets worse when they age. Consider yourself lucky you live so many hours away and good luck - you have a long road ahead of you with your Mom.

[Anonymous]

"nice that she cares, and she clearly wants your return visit to be easy and everything in place. "

No this doesn't sound like a considerate, practical gesture at all. Some grandma have a terrible time with understanding that they are not the center of attention. They seek control and want the "fun" of being a grandparent in a very negative way. Its a self centered approach about grandma being most important and the grandchild is actually just a prop in the whole fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with all but the last post.

Yes, it's a little weird that your mother has gone so overboard. Maybe she's thinking that she'll have more than one grandchild and she'd like to be set up for it. Maybe not.

Regardless, this is her money to spend as she wishes. For you to walk in and try to lay claim strikes me as extremely presumptuous. The one poster who said "this is your turn" had it right. But not in the way that she intended. It's your turn to sacrifice for your children the same way that she undoubtedly did. It's her turn to maybe afford the things for her visiting grandchildren that possibly she couldn't with her own kids.

Stop being so greedy. Let her play the grande grand-mere. My own mother has a well-stocked nursery in her house for all her grandkids, and I'm grateful for it every time we visit.

I agree. Sorry, there is no sense of entitlement.
Ok, so it seems extravegant and foolish to spent so much $$ on baby items that will quickly be outgrown and hardly used (you say you don't visit that often). But, what do you care? It's not your money. Coming into your mom's house and asking to, not use, but TAKE something is rude even if you will get more practical use out it - especially if your mom didn't offer to lend it. To her defense, I can definitely see why your mom called you selfish.

My MIL has a brand new remodeled kitchen - new appliances, lots of space, and even new dishes/pots/pans., but the irony is that she rarely cooks. It wouldn't be right for me to waltz in and just take the toaster, the mixer, and the new dishes simply because I would get better use of them than those items sitting and collecting dust.

Are you seriously nuts?! The OP didn't want to take a "new kitchen with appliances," she wanted to borrow something FOR THE BABY that was bought FOR THE BABY! Not only that, something that will be outgrown soon while its sitting unused ar grandma's.

OP, your mom IS BEING SELFISH and weird. She didn't buy all that stuff for your child. Its basically a doll-house on a larger scale and she doesn't want to share "HER" toys with you or the baby. I don't think you're being petty, I think your Mom is revealing a very deep character flaw here and separation from reality.

Not only that, she must know about your financial struggles and its weird she's trying to show you up rather than help you or your baby. Has she shown this type of character flaw before?? Its either deep insecurity and wanting to have an awesome house so the baby wants to visit her, deep suspicion you won't return the items and are a flake, or weird competition with you as a mother.

And I'm sorry for those who lost their moms, but I'd rather have no grandparents than "psycho" grandparents who play mind games with me or my child!!!

[Anonymous]

I am genuinely shocked by the people on this post "supporting" the MIL and telling the OP not to worry or to "not sweat the small stuff," the MIL has "every right to dictate what to do with the stuff," etc.

I completely disagree. OP, you have every right to be upset.

If you told your Mom about all your stuggles, what you could or couldn't afford, etc., and then she went out and spent tons of money for the baby for things to ONLY stay at her house.....then that is just wacko. NOT SUPPORTIVE OF YOU AT ALL, and actually quite undermining. Especially, since it sounded like a "surprise."

She is either trying to out-compete you and remind you of your place, or somehow try to tempt your daughter (although not at 1 month yet!) to always want to go to Grandma's where the "cool" stuff is.

She must be very insecure. I would be not as upset with the actual things, but with the idea that your mom is spending gobs of money when she knows you can't....and then not even letting your daughter truly use those things. That is so weird and controlling, but maybe its from insecurity instead of spite.

OF COURSE they are "her things" and she has a "right to decide what to do with them." But, you have a RIGHT TO JUDGE HER AS SELFISH for not sharing BABY items with the baby! And what about the mindset that underlies this...

Seriously, I would be upset and I would express these feelings to her to get her response. If this is how she is going behave as a grandmother, I can see that her role in your life and your daughter's life may be limited.

What if your daughter wants to take something home with her later on? Or if she, God forbid, "breaks" one of grandma's special toys? Will her ideal of her grandbaby ever line up with the actual child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why this would make anyone upset - I would love for my mom (or MIL) to have a nursery set up for us when we visit!! I could care less about the expense or lack thereof of the baby gear, I hate having to lug our own. Just came back from a weekend visit w/in-laws and I am exhausted b/c there is no good place for the little ones to sleep as well as no good place to put the baby down (would love to have had a chair there!!)

I actually clicked on your post b/c I thought it was actually about dealing with your mom loosing her mind (which is a concern of mine for my mom who is 70 and increasingly forgetful) - your issue seems like a total non-issue to me. My advice is to gain some perspective (the PP who lost her mom had the right advice!) b/c there are much bigger problems out there.

Well, you just don't get it, do you?

Commenting just to say this is a "non-issue" is completely rude and pointless. Why don't you just keep your trap shut politely if you don't have anything of substance to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why this would make anyone upset - I would love for my mom (or MIL) to have a nursery set up for us when we visit!! I could care less about the expense or lack thereof of the baby gear, I hate having to lug our own. Just came back from a weekend visit w/in-laws and I am exhausted b/c there is no good place for the little ones to sleep as well as no good place to put the baby down (would love to have had a chair there!!)

I actually clicked on your post b/c I thought it was actually about dealing with your mom loosing her mind (which is a concern of mine for my mom who is 70 and increasingly forgetful) - your issue seems like a total non-issue to me. My advice is to gain some perspective (the PP who lost her mom had the right advice!) b/c there are much bigger problems out there.

Well, you just don't get it, do you?

Commenting just to say this is a "non-issue" is completely rude and pointless. Why don't you just keep your trap shut politely if you don't have anything of substance to say.

Actually, no, the OP asked for opinions as to whether or not she was overreacting, so it is completely reasonable for people to take her at her word and comment that they think she is indeed overreacting. Moreover, saying "why don't you keep your trap shut" is far, far ruder than posters giving sincere comments to the OP.

[Anonymous]

How you feel is your business of course, but I'll chime in about what you do.

Her behavior, whether conscious or not, is an indication that she is either fantasizing about this being her own child, or or feels some sort of right to be more primary in your child's life than she is. I have been there, done that, still paying the price for not setting early boundaries with my own mother when she started with this same behavior.

You'll see it unfold:
--she'll say "my baby"
--she'll buy things for your child that eventually, when the child is old enough, they'll want to go play with them
--then she'll guilt you into visiting / leaving the child there because the child "wants" it

I am not overreacting-_ I've lived with it.

So you need to sit down with your spouse and lay out some agreed-upon limits, including privacy in making your decisions, how many visits you do, making sure to zealously guard the parents' complete authority over decision-making in the child's life.

And finally, DO NOT ACCEPT ANY MONEY FROM HER, because once she figures out that her fantasy nursery/ buying your child's affection hasn't made her a parent, she might try to buy you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely shocked by the people on this post "supporting" the MIL and telling the OP not to worry or to "not sweat the small stuff," the MIL has "every right to dictate what to do with the stuff," etc.

I completely disagree. OP, you have every right to be upset.

If you told your Mom about all your stuggles, what you could or couldn't afford, etc., and then she went out and spent tons of money for the baby for things to ONLY stay at her house.....then that is just wacko. NOT SUPPORTIVE OF YOU AT ALL, and actually quite undermining. Especially, since it sounded like a "surprise."

She is either trying to out-compete you and remind you of your place, or somehow try to tempt your daughter (although not at 1 month yet!) to always want to go to Grandma's where the "cool" stuff is.

She must be very insecure. I would be not as upset with the actual things, but with the idea that your mom is spending gobs of money when she knows you can't....and then not even letting your daughter truly use those things. That is so weird and controlling, but maybe its from insecurity instead of spite.

OF COURSE they are "her things" and she has a "right to decide what to do with them." But, you have a RIGHT TO JUDGE HER AS SELFISH for not sharing BABY items with the baby! And what about the mindset that underlies this...

Seriously, I would be upset and I would express these feelings to her to get her response. If this is how she is going behave as a grandmother, I can see that her role in your life and your daughter's life may be limited.

What if your daughter wants to take something home with her later on? Or if she, God forbid, "breaks" one of grandma's special toys? Will her ideal of her grandbaby ever line up with the actual child?

She said it was her MOM, not MIL.

I think that makes a difference. Many of us are not accustomed to dealing with our In laws' various personality flaws and idiosyncracies. But you would think as an adult you'd know what your parents are like by now.

In any case, I think this whole situation not only reveals some oddities in her mother but in the OP herself.

I agree with the PP who said that to make an accurate judgment of the situation and who is nuts, you'd need more information about the history of the relationship. Many of the pp's are simply inserting their own relationships in their judgments.

[Anonymous]

OP here-

This is the only grandchild, and there probably won't be others. (We are older, and I am an only child.)

For me, at the end of the day, it comes down to a practical issue. Many of these things (clothes, gear, etc.) will never be enjoyed by the baby, as they aren't allowed to follow her home. Instead, they stay in my mother's home. It just seems like a waste of money and time to purchase things for the baby that the baby will never enjoy. Hell, she has already outgrown many of the dresses, after my mom had the brief thrill of dressing her up for the two days we were there.

It just seems weird. I can't get over that.

[Anonymous]

My own grandmother kept a nursery for visiting grandchildren. She worked hard to develop relationships with each of us.

To that end (and to give our parents some time off), she also took us on fabulous trips all over the world. Some of my best memories are from those trips when she was still young-ish (50s) and so funny. She gave me such a great view on the world that I simply would not have had otherwise.

So I really don't get any of this. Especially the PP who thought it was just horrible that one grandmother had offered to take her grandchild to France. Why wouldn't you want your child to have both that experience and that one-on-one time with his/her grandparent? Are you just jealous and competing with your child for your mother's attention?

I think that it was probably all that effort by my grandmother that has kept us very close -- even though we have lived on opposite coasts for 20 years. I still talk to her almost weekly by phone.

[Anonymous]

C'mon, this is an odd situation. We're not talking about Grandma having a pack and play and changing area set up for the little tyke, we're talking about expensive furniture and clothing that won't be used for more than a couple of days a year--a dollhouse, as PPs said.

OP, I understand why you're annoyed by this situation. But the truth is that Grandma doesn't have to give you anything. I know it's hard not to stew, but I advise you to let go of your expectations re Grandma and giftgiving, because expectations just aren't helping you or your relationship. Go visit Grandma--bring your pack and play if you're worried about the antique crib--but try to tune out the expensive stuff--don't focus on it yourself or engage your Mom in conversation about it. Who knows? Grandma may thaw as the baby gets older, and be more relaxed about letting stuff out of her house.

Of course, I have an incredibly hard time letting go of my expectations about my Mom . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why this would make anyone upset - I would love for my mom (or MIL) to have a nursery set up for us when we visit!! I could care less about the expense or lack thereof of the baby gear, I hate having to lug our own. Just came back from a weekend visit w/in-laws and I am exhausted b/c there is no good place for the little ones to sleep as well as no good place to put the baby down (would love to have had a chair there!!)

I actually clicked on your post b/c I thought it was actually about dealing with your mom loosing her mind (which is a concern of mine for my mom who is 70 and increasingly forgetful) - your issue seems like a total non-issue to me. My advice is to gain some perspective (the PP who lost her mom had the right advice!) b/c there are much bigger problems out there.

Well, you just don't get it, do you?

Commenting just to say this is a "non-issue" is completely rude and pointless. Why don't you just keep your trap shut politely if you don't have anything of substance to say.

Actually, no, the OP asked for opinions as to whether or not she was overreacting, so it is completely reasonable for people to take her at her word and comment that they think she is indeed overreacting. Moreover, saying "why don't you keep your trap shut" is far, far ruder than posters giving sincere comments to the OP.

You are right that what I said was rude, and I do apologize for saying that. I got my steam up and spoke too harshly. I'm sorry.

What got my steam up was the condescension in this poster's statement. Using phrases like "I just don't get why this would make anyone upset" and "your issue seems like a total non-issue to me" and "gain some perspective" are said in a way that doesn't just share a different opinion, it actually insults the OP for having theirs.

There are tons of posts on this site where you might think "who cares?" or "get over it already!" But does saying those things really help anyone? No. If you can't contribute anything to discussion, besides insulting the OP for their opinion, then why not just stay politely quiet. There were plenty of others who said they thought the OP shouldn't worry so much about it, but they didn't have to say it in such a rude way and imply the OP's feelings aren't valid.