Has My Mother Lost Her Mind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is a somewhat controlling, yes? Has she always been this way?

Her behavior is weird. No one who sees her grandchild a mere 4 times a year needs a shadow nursery. Having a pack 'n' play is helpful; having a closet full of beautiful clothes that the baby will never actually wear is a bit freaky.

And the antique crib could be a death trap. Lead paint, improper width between the bars - you name it. Paying more attention to aesthetics than safety signals to me that your mom is more interested in how she looks to the world than being an actual grandmother.

I agree that your mother is possibly acting in a controlling manner. Yes, it's her house, but for whatever reason, you are feeling somewhat let down when you visit. It's your mother's approach, I would assume. I think that if she were more welcoming perhaps, then you wouldn't feel as though she's trying to "outdo" you or keep things for herself. Her intentions are not sincere. If this is the case, limit visits. (Visiting four times/year is not excessive in most cases, but in your case it is.) You're an adult now with your own life. Put down boundaries. Not all parent-child relationships are ideal. Just don't let these feelings influence how you deal with your own children. Recognize patterns.

[Anonymous]

I would not visit there again. Your mom has lost her mind, or she is a control freak. I would be extremely pissed off and would let it be known. Sounds like she may need a little help. sorry for you

[Anonymous]

Is the antique crib safe?

[Anonymous]

I think all new grandmothers have to figure out what sort of grandmother they want to be--and then, over time, what sort of grandmother they actually are. Same goes for moms, too.

Look at it this way--it's about her, not about you or your daughter. She may not be acting how you expected, or how you would like, or how most other grandmothers are. But given who she is, I'd be figuring out how to maintain good relationships with her, and letting her issues be her issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with all but the last post.

I agree. Sorry, there is no sense of entitlement.
Ok, so it seems extravegant and foolish to spent so much $$ on baby items that will quickly be outgrown and hardly used (you say you don't visit that often). But, what do you care? It's not your money. Coming into your mom's house and asking to, not use, but TAKE something is rude even if you will get more practical use out it - especially if your mom didn't offer to lend it. To her defense, I can definitely see why your mom called you selfish.

My MIL has a brand new remodeled kitchen - new appliances, lots of space, and even new dishes/pots/pans., but the irony is that she rarely cooks. It wouldn't be right for me to waltz in and just take the toaster, the mixer, and the new dishes simply because I would get better use of them than those items sitting and collecting dust.

Isn't asking to take it implying that it will be used? My mother would never say no to me. It's for the baby, not the adults and my mom would be happy to let us take, use, borrow anything. OP's mom is being weird.

[Anonymous]

Freaky, controlling, weird ,yes! but what is the goal here? to raise your child in as healthy a setting as possible. My mom is crazy too, and my goal is to not "notice" it. Let her do her crazy s**t that she does, let her be as good of a grandma as she is able, and leave it at that. I grew up listening to my mom complain about her mom's behavior, and watching her and her sisters critique their mom in front of everyone. Is that ok? I don't want my child to think so.

Wouldn't families get on better if we all took a step back and let each other be who we are, reduce our expectations, and try and ignore all of those annoying things?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd suggest you try to judge this behavior in the context of your overall relationship with your mom. If basically you guys are close and have a good relationship, then you should try to find a way to understand and accept the over-the-top investment in fancy baby gear >> try to see it not as a threat, or a statement on your own parenting, or a deprivation to your or your child, but rather an indication of her love and excitement over her grandchild. I'm another one who lost my mother since the birth of my first child, and boy do I wish I didn't sweat the small stuff while she was here. I remember complaining about various little slights or perceived failures to help on her part, when in reality it was all minor nonsense, and she just didn't know how best to help (first grandchild) - her actions throughout her life made it more than clear that she would have done or given anything for anyone of her children or grandchildren.

If on the other hand, you and your mom have a history of friction, competition, control issues, etc...(which seems entirely possible from your description) -- then you have to recognize this latest boutique baby extravaganza as part of that pattern. If that's the case, it's unfortunate and would probably infuriate me as well --- but the only way to deal with it is to accept it for what it is, and draw your own expectations and boundaries accordingly. It will often be frustrating - I know, I have inlaws with somewhat similar control issues - but finding a way to shrug it off is the only way to avoid going crazy yourself. Either way, good luck!

[Anonymous]

If the mom has a history of being like this (controlling, selfish, whatever) , I don't see why the OP would react with such shock and indignance. There's something off, I think.

I have a habit of taking things from my mom's house. Sometimes I ask, sometimes I don't, but the fact is she doesn't care whether I take something, and I know that. But I wouldn't expect your mom to be the same. There is no universal standard of normalcy on this.

Was this really the first time you asked your mom for something she had... ever? Did you really ask, or did you assume you'd take it?

The story just seems weird, as though the OP doesn't even really know her mom very well...

[Anonymous]

I just don't get why this would make anyone upset - I would love for my mom (or MIL) to have a nursery set up for us when we visit!! I could care less about the expense or lack thereof of the baby gear, I hate having to lug our own. Just came back from a weekend visit w/in-laws and I am exhausted b/c there is no good place for the little ones to sleep as well as no good place to put the baby down (would love to have had a chair there!!)

I actually clicked on your post b/c I thought it was actually about dealing with your mom loosing her mind (which is a concern of mine for my mom who is 70 and increasingly forgetful) - your issue seems like a total non-issue to me. My advice is to gain some perspective (the PP who lost her mom had the right advice!) b/c there are much bigger problems out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why this would make anyone upset - I would love for my mom (or MIL) to have a nursery set up for us when we visit!! I could care less about the expense or lack thereof of the baby gear, I hate having to lug our own. Just came back from a weekend visit w/in-laws and I am exhausted b/c there is no good place for the little ones to sleep as well as no good place to put the baby down (would love to have had a chair there!!)

I actually clicked on your post b/c I thought it was actually about dealing with your mom loosing her mind (which is a concern of mine for my mom who is 70 and increasingly forgetful) - your issue seems like a total non-issue to me. My advice is to gain some perspective (the PP who lost her mom had the right advice!) b/c there are much bigger problems out there.

I think the OP said that she did not have these items at home and it was odd her mother would not allow her to use them between visits. Maybe it was the sharing aspect that is strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away from cancer ten years ago, before our kids were born. Our kids will never know their maternal grandmother, and I will never have any of the experiences that others take for granted concerning mothers: no sharing of motherhood with her, no help after the babies or other times, no doting grandmother, etc., etc. Whenever I read posts like this one 9and they seem to pop up with some regularity), I always want to kindly and gently offer the OP some much-needed perspective: be thankful that you have a mother and that your kids have a grandmother. Do not get consumed by pettiness; do not overreact about things that really don't matter in the vast scheme of things.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. But just because your mom is around doesn't mean it guarantees all you think you are missing. My mom called ever so often when I was pregnant. Didn't come and help when the baby was born( my husband and I managed everything by ourselves). Saw the baby once when she was 4 months old and now complains that baby doesn't know her. The baby is now 14 months and has seen her grandma three times, two of which I went to her.

She hasn't given anything to the baby of substance(pillows, disney books and that's it). So emotionally, financially, or any other "lly I can think of it's as if I don't have a mom.

I know this doesn't help the initial OP with her issue, but I got all worked up reading this. It brought up old wounds that I keep telling myself I'm too old to get worked up over.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people on this board clearly have mother/MIL issues. I think the bottom line is the same for all relationships. If the relationship is ultimately a net-positive for you, then you'll have to let some things go, and decide which things you won't let go. If its not a net-positive, then you need to think of ways to minimize her presence in your life. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. I would be irritated too, and I think you have every right to be, but I do think that some of the PPs' points about not getting too worked up over it are spot on. I agree that your mom is being selfish, controlling, weird, and quite frankly, not very "grandma" - but you probably can't change her. My parents aren't super involved in my DC's life for a number of reasons, one of which is distance, and I know they would like to be around more (although there are issues there as well). My IL's sound more like your mom - they love the idea of having a grandchild, and they love to brag to their friends about DC, but being a grandparent is all about them. I have no doubt they love my child, but to them DC is more of an accessory or maybe a trophy, and not so much a small human being with needs (I'm probably being somewhat harsh, but this is truly the way they act). Definitely the fact that DH and I don't get more help from our parents (I mean, just even grandparents who will take DC for a bit and let us have some alone time) factors into our decision, for now at least, not to have more kids. It sucks, and I totally hear you, but from experience, it's much better just to see your mom for who she is, have only the amount of contact with her that you can tolerate, and move on.

[Anonymous]

yes - babies bring out the "crazy" in everybody.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there are lots of issues between you and your Mom. Yes, she sounds a bit controlling (and perhaps petty) to me. And you sound defensive and hurt (I suspect there were these issues WAY before the baby). I hope for your own sake that you either address the issues with your Mom, or perhaps more realistically, learn to love and accept her for her good points, and see past the things that drive you crazy. She may never be the Mom you want her to be, but that doesn't mean she can't be the Grandmother you'd like her to be.

That said, I, for one, see nothing wrong with a grandmother who wants to celebrate a baby AS HER GRANDCHILD. Hopefully, she would also be supportive of YOU as a new Mom, and your baby as your new child. It sounds like she's not doing a great job of that... but don't toss out her enthusiasm for her grandchild with her lack of enthusiasm for you. It is a wonderful thing to have a grandmother who fawns over her grandchild. Even as a mom myself, I look forward to the day that I am in those grandmother shoes. As for the "stuff"... its just stuff. And, my own mother has certain toys that she keeps for my kids, that STAY At her house. Would they get more use at my house? Sure, but the whole point is that she has something "special" for the kids when they come visit. If I use it everyday, its no longer special.

Be happy that she's clearly excited for her grandchild... and try to ignore the rest.