Has My Mother Lost Her Mind?

[Anonymous]

I'm the 20:47 poster. My mother died two years ago, and I miss her more each and every day. However, that doesn't change the fact that the OP's mother is acting outrageously. If my mother were alive today, she would agree. Yes, be thankful you have a mother. But don't let her run roughshod over you and make you feel badly when she is the one treating YOU poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with all but the last post.

Yes, it's a little weird that your mother has gone so overboard. Maybe she's thinking that she'll have more than one grandchild and she'd like to be set up for it. Maybe not.

Regardless, this is her money to spend as she wishes. For you to walk in and try to lay claim strikes me as extremely presumptuous. The one poster who said "this is your turn" had it right. But not in the way that she intended. It's your turn to sacrifice for your children the same way that she undoubtedly did. It's her turn to maybe afford the things for her visiting grandchildren that possibly she couldn't with her own kids.

Stop being so greedy. Let her play the grande grand-mere. My own mother has a well-stocked nursery in her house for all her grandkids, and I'm grateful for it every time we visit.

I agree. Sorry, there is no sense of entitlement.
Ok, so it seems extravegant and foolish to spent so much $$ on baby items that will quickly be outgrown and hardly used (you say you don't visit that often). But, what do you care? It's not your money. Coming into your mom's house and asking to, not use, but TAKE something is rude even if you will get more practical use out it - especially if your mom didn't offer to lend it. To her defense, I can definitely see why your mom called you selfish.

My MIL has a brand new remodeled kitchen - new appliances, lots of space, and even new dishes/pots/pans., but the irony is that she rarely cooks. It wouldn't be right for me to waltz in and just take the toaster, the mixer, and the new dishes simply because I would get better use of them than those items sitting and collecting dust.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be annoyed too. Yes, it's nice that she wants to keep her home well-stocked and yes, it's possible that mom wants to keep the stuff for other grandbabies, but it sounds like she is pulling a power trip and has some control issues. I don't think you are being selfish; I think it sounds like you are just being practical. That said, it still might not be worth it to try to change things.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has a brand new remodeled kitchen - new appliances, lots of space, and even new dishes/pots/pans., but the irony is that she rarely cooks. It wouldn't be right for me to waltz in and just take the toaster, the mixer, and the new dishes simply because I would get better use of them than those items sitting and collecting dust.

That's a very compelling analogy. MIL's kitchen stuff is quite different from baby gear MIL bought specifically for OP's child.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I meant that's NOT a very compelling analogy!

[Anonymous]

OP - if you are still pouting that your mom won't let you take the Maclearn seat (did you offer to pay her for it, at least?) then consider yourself lucky that this, relatively small tiff, is the only strife that comes up when a mom (or MIL) becomes a first-time grandma.

[Anonymous]

The PP who said Grandma is celebrating HER grandchild rather than YOUR child has it right. That's the botom line, and we can debate Maclarens and kitchens and untimely deaths all we want, but it's all an aside.

How do I know? Because I have one of these borderline narcissists, too, and the bad news is that it doesn't get better with time.

DC is 5 now and granny just keeps upping the ante. Most recently: tells DC that she wants to take him, and only him, on a trip to France with her very soon. We are not French, don't "need a couples trip," whatever. She just wants to create increasingly over-the-top fantasies of what a grandmother does with a grandchild. Then she tells all her friends!

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my MIL...only she hoards her Wal-Mart things!! <sides splitting from laughing>

The only thing I can figure is that maybe she thinks there will be other grandchildren who may use the crib and baby things? Do you have siblings? Even in a few years, might there be another grandchild? Is she normally very uptight about her things? Or making sure everyone gets "equal treatment"? As in, if it's brand new and you use it and return it, and the second baby has to use a "used" item, would that offend her sense of fairness somehow? Whereas if it sat pristinely in her home for random sporadic use by any child visiting, it's more "fair"?

That's my MIL's warped perspective, fwiw. Somehow, she never wants to buy things for my kids, but buys things for them to use at her house. Great, thanks! My kids totally understand that that fun new dollhouse is just for the 4 days a year they stay at Grandma's house. And they will totally want to play with it in a year or two. Not.

Ugh. I agree with pp's about moms being special and being grateful for whatever life deals you in the mom department, but there is something weird with this woman wanting to keep control over the practical use of beautiful things for a grandchild she allegedly adores and is doting on? Maybe some longstanding mother-daughter rivalry?

[Anonymous]

Your mom is a somewhat controlling, yes? Has she always been this way?

Her behavior is weird. No one who sees her grandchild a mere 4 times a year needs a shadow nursery. Having a pack 'n' play is helpful; having a closet full of beautiful clothes that the baby will never actually wear is a bit freaky.

And the antique crib could be a death trap. Lead paint, improper width between the bars - you name it. Paying more attention to aesthetics than safety signals to me that your mom is more interested in how she looks to the world than being an actual grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Another thought, is that the new grams is reliving her own early mommy-hood, and these are the props (crib, clthes, etc)
My own MIL took her first grandchild everywhere, I'm talking monthlong trips to california etc
She was very peeved that I'd not let my kids do more than a halfday visit, as infants...
The behavior seems a little extreme
On the flip side, OP was out of line to ask for items in the gramma's home, especially if that grandmother had not offered or given a shower gift...

[Anonymous]

I think out of context your mothers actions show how excited she is to nurture her grandaughter. I guess the questiom for me would be - Did she treat YOU this way when you were young? Maybe she is trying to make some of her "wrongs" right, and that is really pissing you off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paying more attention to aesthetics than safety signals to me that your mom is more interested in how she looks to the world than being an actual grandmother.

Good point! This sounds very possible. I also think the last pp above hit on something too... maybe the grandmother is overcompensating for her mistakes with the daughter, and setting up a weird dynamic of jealousy and competition over the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is a somewhat controlling, yes? Has she always been this way?

Her behavior is weird. No one who sees her grandchild a mere 4 times a year needs a shadow nursery. Having a pack 'n' play is helpful; having a closet full of beautiful clothes that the baby will never actually wear is a bit freaky.

And the antique crib could be a death trap. Lead paint, improper width between the bars - you name it. Paying more attention to aesthetics than safety signals to me that your mom is more interested in how she looks to the world than being an actual grandmother.

OP here-

I am an only child, AMA mother (38). There will not be other kids. And I had to remove the bumper on the crib which looked like a death trap. The 'shadow nursery' is spot on. My husband said that it is a control issue. Who knows.

It shouldn't come down to material issues, dresses, bouncy seats. It should be about taking care of each other, and each other's feelings. That is my gripe.

[Anonymous]

Reality check -- it's her money and she gets to spend it any way she pleases. She also doesn't owe you any help with your baby, although it's always nice to get help.

If she spent money to turn a separate room in the house into a place for the baby when you come, that does help you out when you visit. Maybe she hopes you'll visit more often if she makes it easy and comfortable when you're there. She also might pick expensive things because she has/can afford nicer taste. My parents have more money than I, like antique furniture etc. Is your Mom like this -- maybe that explains the baby decor?

The funny part is that my Mom has done something similar, except that instead of all new expensive stuff, she has resurrected every baby item she ever kept from our own baby days (a lot). It all stays at her house, even though we only live minutes apart. It's great for toys, some clothes, books, etc., because the kids always have different stuff to play with at the Grandparents. But not so great when the crib is not exactly CSPC approved .....

Anyway, it is what it is. My Mom gets to spend her money on what she wants and put what she wants in her house for the kids, as long as it is safe and morally appropriate.

I guess it doesn't rub me the wrong way, because my parents have always very generously offered to help me financially even though I always turn them down (except for grad school). And they are so available for other help -- babysitting, emergency pickups, etc. Maybe this is the real issue for you -- you don't feel like they support you enough?

Also, I can't afford more than bargains for my kids. It doesn't bother me. I feel like I am giving them good values by teaching them not to be so consumer-oriented. But, it sounds like you are a little hurt that you can't give your own child high-end items. Don't be. No baby will remember having Frette crib sheets or French-smocked dresses. I buy a smocked dress for a special photo every year (birthday or Xmas), but after that it's outlet shopping for me. Any friends who lord their fancy nurseries over you really just don't get the core of being a good mom -- it's not having a la-di-da nursery.

[Anonymous]

Sounds much like MY mom! When I was pregnant with DS, I was really looking forward to shopping for clothes once I found out he was a boy. My mother neat me to it and FedEx'd TEN boxes of 0-6 month designer baby clothes, toys, etc. I was excited, overwhelmed and pissed all at the same time. I eventually got over it and let it go. Her buying things for him has been a recurring thing. He is now 3 and over the past 3 years she has basically sent every piece of clothing he wears and almost evey toy he plays with. It's hard when she visits becasue my DS is learning that his grandma always buys him things. I have given up and figure it is my job to teach him to be appreciative for his things and that just becasue we don't buy him everythig he asks for doesn't mean we don;t love him. I had a DD last year and she has been much more restrained with her, sending about half as much stuff and much fewer toys. She is visiting for Christmas though so I bet she gets spoiled then. I think your mom is your mom and she won;t change. Perhaps she is buying things that she wasn't able to buy when she was a mother and now that she has the money, who better to spend money on than her grandkid, you know? Maybe just telling her it made you feel bad will make her understand, though if it were ,my mom, that would just start a fight.