Has My Mother Lost Her Mind?

[Anonymous]

We went to my parent's house last week with our 1 month old. My mother has turned a bedroom pretty much into a nursery, with an antique crib, embriodered sheets, closet full of very expensive clothes, etc. Downstairs, there was a beautiful MacLauren seat for a baby 0-6 monthes.

In my head, I was a little upset because I can't buy these gorgeous things for the baby. We got our crib from Overstock, and have hand me down sheets and mattress. I can't dress her in smocked dresses or have a French theme in her nursery.

When we were leaving, I asked if we could borrow the MacLauren, and return it with the baby at Thanksgiving. My mom said no. It all stays here. (?) We live four hours away, and will only be at my parents house 3-4 times a year.

I got pissed, and told my mom she was being unreasonable. All of these beautiful clothes, the chair, etc. just to sit in her house?

She hasn't talked to me since. I feel like I walked into another new mother's home, compared nurseries, and got upset. I told her this, and she told me I was being selfish.

Has she lost her mind? Or am I the weird one here?

[Anonymous]

nice that she cares, and she clearly wants your return visit to be easy and everything in place.

what is the "seat" you are referring to? As a baby, the car seat plus stroller contraption that fits the car seat is probably best anyway, which you probably already have?.

Maybe just enjoy that your mom is excited and has done so much. My mom hasn't done a thing at her house.

with moms, you have to just accept what you get sometimes... and if you can't, is it really worth it telling them? will it change anything?

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I'd be livid. She's the one being selfish, not you.

[Anonymous]

Actually I envy you!! We got to visit my in-laws every couple of months and I would love it if they would buy some baby stuff so we don't have to lug everything w/us!! They do finally have a pack n play and a high chair but we had to buy it for them. Similar with my parents (who we visit less so not much of an issue). I would relax and enjoy the fact you don't have to pack more than baby clothes and diapers.

[Anonymous]

She is out of her mind. She is celebrating HER grandchild, not YOUR child. Tell yourself that it's YOUR TURN to be the lucky new mom. It's too bad your mom can't enjoy that it's your turn, and it's too bad she can't enjoy giving you nice things for YOUR baby to actually

[Anonymous]

It sucks. It is what you've got, though.

If I were you, I'd suck it up, though. I wouldn't roll over, I would just accept generosity that is real (which this isn't), and silently say nothing about things like this. Vent here all you would like, though.

I've been through this.

And, what makes you a quality mom isn't sheets, cribs, or a Maclaren.

In the end, your child will love the people that love her and show it with attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is out of her mind. She is celebrating HER grandchild, not YOUR child. Tell yourself that it's YOUR TURN to be the lucky new mom. It's too bad your mom can't enjoy that it's your turn, and it's too bad she can't enjoy giving you nice things for YOUR baby to actually

Woops, this sent itself off before I had a chance to cool down or re-read it!! I meant to say, "nice things for YOUR baby to actually use." It's not the same as a grandmother who has things ready for when you and the baby come for a visit. This grandmother is trying to outdo her own daughter. It's the opposite of a generous gesture that she has set up this fancy nursery, IMHO. I think it's selfish. And weird. It pushed my buttons just reading about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nice that she cares, and she clearly wants your return visit to be easy and everything in place.

what is the "seat" you are referring to? As a baby, the car seat plus stroller contraption that fits the car seat is probably best anyway, which you probably already have?.

Maybe just enjoy that your mom is excited and has done so much. My mom hasn't done a thing at her house.

with moms, you have to just accept what you get sometimes... and if you can't, is it really worth it telling them? will it change anything?

OP here,

I am trying to be big hearted, and thought the same thing. Perhaps she just wants a nice place for the little one. The chair is actually a bouncy seat/swing that I helped her pick out online because I thought it would be used for the baby, and would follow the baby. Apparently it is meant to stay in her house and "remind her" of her grand daugther. I am a pragmatist, and it just seems strange that it will be used maybe twice, when we are there.

And heaven knows, we could use these things on a daily basis. We are entering into a nanny share, and I need gear for the other house. I can bring her carseat, but I hate that my daughter spends so much time in that. She can stretch out and rock in the other one. I am going to buy the exact same chair, but it just irritates me that my mom and I are duplicating efforts. I asked her if she was thinking about what the baby needs, or just what makes her happy. Neglected to mention that part in the initial post. Maybe THAT is why she isn't speaking to me.

[Anonymous]

She is being thoughtless. Isn't it amazing how quickly they forget how tough it is to have a new baby? I am always making mental notes about what to do when I'm a grandparent! As others have said, it's nice that she's keen to have a grandchild & spoil them. But it really is thoughtless that she hasn't given you more direct support or considered your feelings. I would feel the same as you. I find that my mother likes to fight with me and assume she'll have a close relationship with her grandchildren (i.e. they have a united enemy!). Perhaps we'll all end up like that! Anyway, I think there is nothing wrong with your reaction. But, you probably also know that when you have a newborn you have to just worry about yourself and your immediate family. Other issues are not important or worth getting upset about.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is hopeful to keep it all there for grandchild(ren). If you have siblings and they have kids, your mom won't want to go about getting all the stuff she bought back from you.

[Anonymous]

My mother passed away from cancer ten years ago, before our kids were born. Our kids will never know their maternal grandmother, and I will never have any of the experiences that others take for granted concerning mothers: no sharing of motherhood with her, no help after the babies or other times, no doting grandmother, etc., etc. Whenever I read posts like this one 9and they seem to pop up with some regularity), I always want to kindly and gently offer the OP some much-needed perspective: be thankful that you have a mother and that your kids have a grandmother. Do not get consumed by pettiness; do not overreact about things that really don't matter in the vast scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with all but the last post.

Yes, it's a little weird that your mother has gone so overboard. Maybe she's thinking that she'll have more than one grandchild and she'd like to be set up for it. Maybe not.

Regardless, this is her money to spend as she wishes. For you to walk in and try to lay claim strikes me as extremely presumptuous. The one poster who said "this is your turn" had it right. But not in the way that she intended. It's your turn to sacrifice for your children the same way that she undoubtedly did. It's her turn to maybe afford the things for her visiting grandchildren that possibly she couldn't with her own kids.

Stop being so greedy. Let her play the grande grand-mere. My own mother has a well-stocked nursery in her house for all her grandkids, and I'm grateful for it every time we visit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your feelings are certainly valid and normal, but PP has a good point too. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

If it makes you feel better, we basically had to tell my in-laws that we wouldn't visit them anymore (we have to fly to see them) if they didn't buy some baby stuff for their house (mainly a crib.) Only then did they finally cough up the money - and money is not an issue for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away from cancer ten years ago, before our kids were born. Our kids will never know their maternal grandmother, and I will never have any of the experiences that others take for granted concerning mothers: no sharing of motherhood with her, no help after the babies or other times, no doting grandmother, etc., etc. Whenever I read posts like this one 9and they seem to pop up with some regularity), I always want to kindly and gently offer the OP some much-needed perspective: be thankful that you have a mother and that your kids have a grandmother. Do not get consumed by pettiness; do not overreact about things that really don't matter in the vast scheme of things.

OP,

Thank you for this reality check. I am sorry that your kids won't know their grandmother. They can be special people, and can help as you say.

Just right now, I don't have a grandmother who is helping. She didn't show up for my baby shower. She doesn't kiss me or say hello when I arrive, just reaches for the baby. She makes a point of saying my child should be raised by family (her) and not a nanny. (We don't have a choice here.) She neglected me during my pregnancy, and only showed up for the birth so she could be the first to hold the baby after me. I tried to tell her how it breaks my heart to imagine going back to work. She looks the other way.

So there is that as well. Goodness. I am being being consumed by pettiness, just as you noted. Sorry seem insensitive PP. Really. I am going to spend some time with my daugther and take your advise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother passed away from cancer ten years ago, before our kids were born. Our kids will never know their maternal grandmother, and I will never have any of the experiences that others take for granted concerning mothers: no sharing of motherhood with her, no help after the babies or other times, no doting grandmother, etc., etc. Whenever I read posts like this one 9and they seem to pop up with some regularity), I always want to kindly and gently offer the OP some much-needed perspective: be thankful that you have a mother and that your kids have a grandmother. Do not get consumed by pettiness; do not overreact about things that really don't matter in the vast scheme of things.

OP,

Thank you for this reality check. I am sorry that your kids won't know their grandmother. They can be special people, and can help as you say.

Just right now, I don't have a grandmother who is helping. She didn't show up for my baby shower. She doesn't kiss me or say hello when I arrive, just reaches for the baby. She makes a point of saying my child should be raised by family (her) and not a nanny. (We don't have a choice here.) She neglected me during my pregnancy, and only showed up for the birth so she could be the first to hold the baby after me. I tried to tell her how it breaks my heart to imagine going back to work. She looks the other way.

So there is that as well. Goodness. I am being being consumed by pettiness, just as you noted. Sorry seem insensitive PP. Really. I am going to spend some time with my daugther and take your advise.

I don't agree at all with the last couple of posts. Some people are lucky to have normal mothers, and some are blessed with special mothers. I have a feeling that the previous couple of posters fall into those categories. They shouldn't think that they're somehow better because they have 'normal' feelings for their mothers, or imply that if they had the kind of insensitive mother you describe that they would somehow manage to rise above the feelings you are now feeling. They'll never know, because they'll never be challenged in this particular way. I don't agree that the OP is petty or missing the bigger picture.