Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have both checked out of the “couple” part of marriage, but want to do right by our DC. As long as we can peacefully coexist, we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together so do not wish to divorce. Even when DC grows up, these benefits will continue - no juggling visits or dividing the nest egg, etc.

Are we being realistic in thinking we can pull this off? We do our best to maintain a normal facade for our still young DC, but can’t exactly fake being in love. As DC gets older, will it become obvious we are neither emotionally nor physically intimate, and if so, are we harming DC’s chances of forming healthier relationships? Neither of us want DC to have a marriage like ours.

If anyone here has made a parenting marriage last, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

In my view, of course it will be damaging to your child to have the primary adults in his life model a loveless, sexless partnership, that is based upon, "logistical convenience and finances". I can't imagine that he is also seeing two people who are happy or supportive either.

It sounds like a very sad environment for producing a well adjusted adult. I suggest you seek therapy to explore why you have made this choice. I think it suggests warped values. For the sake of your child, I hope that you gain clarity about what is important to give him (Hint: it is not a fancy house).

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this kind of marriage. It’s an open marriage. Our (older child) knows. It got too obvious to hide. So many gen-zers are open to different relationship arrangements. They found it weird but weren’t judgmental. But it’s a semi secret. Some of our friends know and others don’t. We have been together forever and have a deep friendship and good partnership but something just went wrong with the intimacy, and I think neither one of us is attracted to each other anymore. I’m getting to the age where my libido is kind of going, so if things end with my current (pretty long term partner), it will be very sad but I’ll probably get a dog. I wouldn’t care if my husband continued to see someone. He has a somewhat regular fwb and someone else he sees only about 5–6 times a year.

Sometimes I miss what we had. But we’ve tried to get it back and it just feels weird and awkward. I think passion fades in most relationships. Even with my other partner…it was very passionate at the beginning and now it’s just like another relationship.

It’s sort of a shame we expect that passion to last and are so judgmental of alternative relationships in general as a society. Everyone is talking about having to sneak around, but when you think about it, it’s really dumb. If you’re not doing anything wrong and you’re an adult, why should you have to hide? There is nothing wrong with it if you’re not “cheating” and its functioning for your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:We are doing it. I think, for me, it’s easier because I’d finally come to the realization three years ago that he wasn’t into me at all anymore. (This was after years of me asking if there was something going on, hormone levels, what could I do differently.). And so affection on my part just sort of died and we just kept chugging along.

It came to a head about six months ago, when he was forced to tell me some things. Which at that point I honestly didn’t care. I did care that my life had been hijacked, but that was sadness and anger about the past, not anything about what he felt he had to tell me at that particular point.

Our kids are teens. We decided to stay together. No lovers/hookups/etc. ever in the house. We talked a lot about if one of us fell for someone else. It’s really unlikely for me, I’m middle aged and I’m not interested in marriage again. I also can’t see it for him, but that is wrapped up in circumstances.

But, we’d stay together until the kids are in college at least. After that, we are friendly enough to coexist together for financial and general stasis reasons. If one of us does find someone and felt it necessary to be on their own to pursue something, we would split and figure it out then.

It’s been honestly a relief, to know I wasn’t crazy. And also really sad, because things could have been different.

Anyway. I haven’t gone out there myself, I really can’t figure out how. I’d like to spend an evening with someone who thinks I’m interesting, and finds me attractive. I’m lonely. Kissing, Business Time, sure, though I don’t know that I remember how. Like a friend with benefits I guess? But, it’s hard. We are not public/out about it to family or friends. I think about going to a bar and just, what, sitting there to see if someone looks single? I don’t want my face on an app, and I have to imagine men may be weirded out that I’m married and that my husband is completely fine with this.

So, about parenting, being together - it’s been fine. I think it’s better for us now that everything is on the table. Less avoidance. More just, okay, this is how it will be. We talk about it, are open. It’s been good in that respect. I think at some point we may need to tell close friends and immediate family. Individual therapy is happening. No need for couples unless we need help navigating something.

Of course, it’s early on still.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have both checked out of the “couple” part of marriage, but want to do right by our DC. As long as we can peacefully coexist, we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together so do not wish to divorce. Even when DC grows up, these benefits will continue - no juggling visits or dividing the nest egg, etc.

Are we being realistic in thinking we can pull this off? We do our best to maintain a normal facade for our still young DC, but can’t exactly fake being in love. As DC gets older, will it become obvious we are neither emotionally nor physically intimate, and if so, are we harming DC’s chances of forming healthier relationships? Neither of us want DC to have a marriage like ours.

If anyone here has made a parenting marriage last, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

In my view, of course it will be damaging to your child to have the primary adults in his life model a loveless, sexless partnership, that is based upon, "logistical convenience and finances". I can't imagine that he is also seeing two people who are happy or supportive either.

It sounds like a very sad environment for producing a well adjusted adult. I suggest you seek therapy to explore why you have made this choice. I think it suggests warped values. For the sake of your child, I hope that you gain clarity about what is important to give him (Hint: it is not a fancy house).

It’s more than just convenience. The unpredictable and extremely demanding nature of H’s job is such that he would be unable to share custody unless he quit (which thus far he has been unwilling to do). While that’s his own choice, I believe DC would suffer greatly from not seeing H on a regular basis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have both checked out of the “couple” part of marriage, but want to do right by our DC. As long as we can peacefully coexist, we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together so do not wish to divorce. Even when DC grows up, these benefits will continue - no juggling visits or dividing the nest egg, etc.

Are we being realistic in thinking we can pull this off? We do our best to maintain a normal facade for our still young DC, but can’t exactly fake being in love. As DC gets older, will it become obvious we are neither emotionally nor physically intimate, and if so, are we harming DC’s chances of forming healthier relationships? Neither of us want DC to have a marriage like ours.

If anyone here has made a parenting marriage last, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

In my view, of course it will be damaging to your child to have the primary adults in his life model a loveless, sexless partnership, that is based upon, "logistical convenience and finances". I can't imagine that he is also seeing two people who are happy or supportive either.

It sounds like a very sad environment for producing a well adjusted adult. I suggest you seek therapy to explore why you have made this choice. I think it suggests warped values. For the sake of your child, I hope that you gain clarity about what is important to give him (Hint: it is not a fancy house).

It’s more than just convenience. The unpredictable and extremely demanding nature of H’s job is such that he would be unable to share custody unless he quit (which thus far he has been unwilling to do). While that’s his own choice, I believe DC would suffer greatly from not seeing H on a regular basis.

This is from your post: "we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together "

So it sounds like a very highly paid Nanny position you are seeking, maybe? All the while living a lie to your child and relatives/friends?

If your spouse admits that he does not have time for half custody guess what, the judge will not grant it to him.

You keep changing your reasoning. I think you are afraid to make the change, and are not considering your child's welfare first (though you are telling yourself that you are.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have both checked out of the “couple” part of marriage, but want to do right by our DC. As long as we can peacefully coexist, we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together so do not wish to divorce. Even when DC grows up, these benefits will continue - no juggling visits or dividing the nest egg, etc.

Are we being realistic in thinking we can pull this off? We do our best to maintain a normal facade for our still young DC, but can’t exactly fake being in love. As DC gets older, will it become obvious we are neither emotionally nor physically intimate, and if so, are we harming DC’s chances of forming healthier relationships? Neither of us want DC to have a marriage like ours.

If anyone here has made a parenting marriage last, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

In my view, of course it will be damaging to your child to have the primary adults in his life model a loveless, sexless partnership, that is based upon, "logistical convenience and finances". I can't imagine that he is also seeing two people who are happy or supportive either.

It sounds like a very sad environment for producing a well adjusted adult. I suggest you seek therapy to explore why you have made this choice. I think it suggests warped values. For the sake of your child, I hope that you gain clarity about what is important to give him (Hint: it is not a fancy house).

It’s more than just convenience. The unpredictable and extremely demanding nature of H’s job is such that he would be unable to share custody unless he quit (which thus far he has been unwilling to do). While that’s his own choice, I believe DC would suffer greatly from not seeing H on a regular basis.

This is from your post: "we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together "

So it sounds like a very highly paid Nanny position you are seeking, maybe? All the while living a lie to your child and relatives/friends?

If your spouse admits that he does not have time for half custody guess what, the judge will not grant it to him.

You keep changing your reasoning. I think you are afraid to make the change, and are not considering your child's welfare first (though you are telling yourself that you are.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have both checked out of the “couple” part of marriage, but want to do right by our DC. As long as we can peacefully coexist, we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together so do not wish to divorce. Even when DC grows up, these benefits will continue - no juggling visits or dividing the nest egg, etc.

Are we being realistic in thinking we can pull this off? We do our best to maintain a normal facade for our still young DC, but can’t exactly fake being in love. As DC gets older, will it become obvious we are neither emotionally nor physically intimate, and if so, are we harming DC’s chances of forming healthier relationships? Neither of us want DC to have a marriage like ours.

If anyone here has made a parenting marriage last, your advice would be greatly appreciated!

In my view, of course it will be damaging to your child to have the primary adults in his life model a loveless, sexless partnership, that is based upon, "logistical convenience and finances". I can't imagine that he is also seeing two people who are happy or supportive either.

It sounds like a very sad environment for producing a well adjusted adult. I suggest you seek therapy to explore why you have made this choice. I think it suggests warped values. For the sake of your child, I hope that you gain clarity about what is important to give him (Hint: it is not a fancy house).

It’s more than just convenience. The unpredictable and extremely demanding nature of H’s job is such that he would be unable to share custody unless he quit (which thus far he has been unwilling to do). While that’s his own choice, I believe DC would suffer greatly from not seeing H on a regular basis.

This is from your post: "we believe our family benefits logistically and financially from staying together "

So it sounds like a very highly paid Nanny position you are seeking, maybe? All the while living a lie to your child and relatives/friends?

If your spouse admits that he does not have time for half custody guess what, the judge will not grant it to him.

You keep changing your reasoning. I think you are afraid to make the change, and are not considering your child's welfare first (though you are telling yourself that you are.)

I’m not OP. I think you are neglecting to envision all the very less positive things that can happen when people divorce, as well. It’s not just about having “a house.” So many things could become far worse for the child, and/or for the parent. Financially, sure, but beyond that, emotionally, etc. It’s very complicated.

This particular family’s dynamic is not one of abuse. The OP has had recent realizations and they are okay with what is going on. Maybe now that there is awareness, things can settle, resentments may be able to be worked through, and the kid can have a home where he can grow while loved, safe, and cared for without significant disruption. Maybe mom can find some peace now, no longer spending as much emotional energy on this soon, and be able to pursue things she likes to do, friendships to bring her joy. Maybe something more in the future.

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.

Anonymous wrote:Of course it can. The majority of couples in past generations and in other societies still have exactly this arrangement. In most of the world marriage is viewed as an institution for child raising and financial stability, possibly also for elder care. Not for romance and friendship. If you are both on the same page and reasonably able to cooperate I don’t see what the problem is.

Happiness lies in achieving a fit between your expectations and the situation. Some people change the situation, others change their expectations. Be honest with yourself about which kind of person you are.