Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the comments. I can enjoy flirting and laughing with a man quite easily but after that, if he wants us to get to know each other more I get anxious, like I did this time. Maybe I should give up on ever dating again. I don't think I'll ever be ready.

I've thought about the posts here and something the mutual friend once said. With hindsight, she was hinting that this guy likes me. With that also, I imagine getting a response that it's not a date could hurt. I'll explain to him what I was thinking.

Look, I'm where you are. 23 yr marriage over. I'm not ready either, but I kept thinking "I'm almost 50. If I wait until I'm ready, I might 70..." I went on a lot of BAD dates (I did the online thing), but I made myself approach all of them from the 'glass half full' perspective. I assumed there was a good reason to go out, and went from there. I kept wondering where was this magical 'chemistry' that everyone talks about. Then I went on a 'date' with someone and there it was. I'll be honest, I get anxious for every first date. Who doesn't? I know I'm not fully over my marriage, but I've accepted that I probably never will be. It doesn't stop me from finding connection and attraction, but my previous marriage is a part of my life, as is my ex. I can't make that stuff go away.

The other thing I learned really quickly is that there are not that many attractive middle aged people out there - meaning not just physically, but intellectually and emotionally as well. I say that so that you try to not sell yourself short.

And FYI - I would have taken you comment about it not being a date as a big rejection. Live and learn. That's what it's all about.

All I know for sure is this - you think negative thoughts, etc...and what happens if your marriage ends? Then all you think about are the things you miss, the things that were good and happy. And you end up forgetting about all the silly little things like over-flowing trash. But by then it's too late...

We expect out partners to be perfect, and when they're not, we feel personally affronted. Then we start to focus only on that and not on what they bring to the relationship. The tape that needs to be played is that your husband isn't perfect and that's ok.

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are in a sex drought that we are trying to work back from. Just life and work and kids and all else and it ended up on the back burner, then kind of gone. We have talked about it and discussed it.

I have read that some people found the spark by scheduling sex which sounds so unromantic but has apparently been effective.

Would love to hear real-life experiences with this and how you guys set it all up.

It can actually be pretty hot. Building up anticipation, innuendos, texts, all that. It's not a dentist appointment...If you get into the spirit, the two of you might be boiling over by 'sex night'...Who knows? But it's worth an open-minded try.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing is not to text. If and when he texts - be breezy and say oops sorry - didnt hear from you so made other plans.

This times a million.

This and only this. I beg you!

This seems kind of passive-aggressive to me. I feel like this kind of stuff always backfires. So she says the above, and then he says "Well, screw that," and tells her he's busy for the week after she gets back, and on they go.
I'm not sure why OP can't just pick up the phone and make a call. But, I'm a man, and this kind of stuff seems to be above my pay grade...

Anonymous wrote:Life is full of ups and downs. You understand this better when you are older.

That ambitious young guy making big bucks at 30 may be rich by 45, or he may be unemployed at 50 due to changes in technology.

Extremely competitive people sometimes have difficulty with relationships, which require more give and take than some ambitious people are willing to do.

And health issues are quite unpredictable. If you're young and healthy, you just don't realize how quickly things can change, even if you work and and eat healthy.

This. +1. I'm in medical research, and in 2003 the landscape changed almost overnight, going from lucrative with career advancement potential to underfunded, hostile, and stagnant. Many people in the field are so specialized that lateral moves are nearly impossible, so they're stuck in what amounts to dead-end career positions. You never know.

Anonymous wrote:^I disagree. It was sex. Get over it.

I don't need to get over anything. Try being a bit less rude. I guess you're one of the growing numbers that think ghosting is fine? It doesn't matter if they had only been to lunch once. Simply ignoring contacts until the other person 'goes away' is anti-social, immature, and frankly, weak.

Anonymous wrote:

BobRoss wrote:So I'm going to step in OP's side here. They had sex 4 times. No, that doesn't make her 'easy', but it does elevate whatever relationship above superficial. Doesn't anyone here think she should have let him know directly that she wasn't interested in taking things further? The fact that they had multiple dates and sex multiple times would warrant at the very least a quick phone call to let him know...

Nope. Sex 4 times means jack shit. I would never feel I owed a man anything after that. It's only after you have the "what are we" conversation that you can expect monogamy or a "break up"

Don't like it? Should have asked for exclusivity earlier. Them's the breaks.

It's not about being exclusive. It's about common courtesy. Enough transpired between the two of them that she should have had enough backbone to be direct. She knew he was interested in continuing. She could have just called or even been lame and sent a text. I don't get it.

So I'm going to step in on OP's side here. They had sex 4 times. No, that doesn't make her 'easy', but it does elevate whatever relationship they had to above superficial. Doesn't anyone here think she should have let him know directly that she wasn't interested in taking things further? The fact that they had multiple dates and sex multiple times would warrant at the very least a quick phone call to let him know...

I'm recently divorced (man) and so I'm falling in love with cooking. Not sure if this is what the OP is looking for, but I LOVE cooking in cast iron pans - except eggs, I have a crappy non-stick from Target for that. Then again, eggs are nasty, so I guess it doesn't matter ; )

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been dating a great guy for 6 weeks. We both live in the DMV, but not close. I'm divorced and have 2 kids with me full time. He's got no kids. So far we've seen each other once a weekend, one time twice.

I don't want to intro him to kids for a long while (kids ages 13, 16). Any ideas on how to make this work? I have job flexibility to be off one day a week, and could get kids to overnight say once per month. They see their dad 2 weeks at Christmas. He and I will revisit this frequency issue soon, but any ideas?

Previously I introduced kids to someone after 3 months, then we broke up and I just don't want kids to get attached again too early.

I really like him and know this presents challenges. Has anyone been in a similar situation and made it work? Thank you!

I drive nearly that distance every day for work. I am not sure what the issue is. If you really like this guy, logistical problems shouldn't be difficult to overcome. Sorry that I am not more helpful, but the fact remains, where there is a will, there is a way.

+1

+2 We live about 45 miles apart. It can get old, but you know, sometimes the fact that you have to put some extra effort into planning and driving isn't a horrible thing. We always call while the other one is driving to keep the driver company. Makes the drive a ton quicker and is a nice way to stay connected.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife moved out leaving me primarily with the kids. She had/s an affair with a co-worker, which for very obvious reasons (not relevant here) can never really go anywhere. In other words, it has an expiration date.

The timing of when she said the classic "I love you but am not IN love with you" was precisely when she "fell in love" with her affair partner. She says that, of course, her falling out of love with me had nothing to do with the other man.

Does anyone have any experience with reconciliation after the "spell" of the affair ends? I am wondering if it is worth waiting around. I know it sounds pathetic, but I honestly believe she's acting this way out of some insanity.

Anyway, any experience or thoughts appreciated.

It's so weird - this exact thing just happened to me, too. I'm not sure if my ex-W / AP has an expiration date or not, but I decided to move on. Too much deceit to ever re-build our friendship or trust. I had thought exactly like you are - I'll just wait this thing out. But then I started asking myself how will I feel if/when she does come back? What will have changed that this won't happen again? Most importantly, how would I get through these long months knowing that she's with the new man while I sat waiting for her? I had to stop trying to re-construct the time-line of her affair and start to focus on what I needed to do to recover, and to help my kids through this. So, like you, I am taking care of the house and kids while she is 'dating' her new man. And you know what? Everyday I get filled with a little more self-respect and pride at what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. That's something she can't take from me.
-BobRoss

How long did you wait? How long til you stopped ruminating? Did you stay cordial or did you change locks and make it formal?

By about 4 weeks after she moved out, I realized I had to stop waiting. Every time I start to think about her/him, I force myself to stop. I sort of force myself to turn around and face forward instead of back. Got involved in a divorce support group that is really more oriented on happy hours, which is fine by me! This will always hurt, and I don't think I'll replace my exW, but I am working hard to move on.

So - she and I have talked and are both committed to a positive future relationship. We're very open about money, no lawyers, we communicate regularly about the kids, etc...I do not engage in emotionally-based discussions with her, however. The question "How are you doing with all this?" gets the answer "I'm doing fine, thanks." People who are having affairs or in our case, the spouses who left for the AP, are likely to try and hang onto the original relationship as a safety line. I refuse to be her backup plan. But I can still maintain a very good relationship that is productive and positive. Not saying it's easy and it can be emotionally taxing, but I just keep reminding myself that there are so many new possibilities, new people to meet, and that helps a ton.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped being so focused on everything that I felt I wasn't getting, or that I felt my partner was doing wrong/wasn't doing. It wasn't that I didn't have valid complaints in some respects as I did. But it had just turned into a focus on the other person when I needed to focus on me and building a team. I decided to make sure I did my best to improve the relationship and it was amazing once I kind of stopped being so outward-focused and made some changes, my partner got into the game too and made changes.

I also revised my expectstions. I didn't even realize how I had a rose-colored view of marriage. It didn't seem unrealistic at the time, but it was. I needed to be more accepting that a marriage isn't easy all of the time. I needed to see it as a marathon vs a sprint. I needed to hear from some of my friends to recognize that everyone struggles and no one is perfect, and what I 'wanted' may not really exist outside of movies or the rare rare couple that does seem to always be completey in synch. I had to accept that life was messy. Love is messy.

Thanks for this and very good food for thought.

Ditto. I could have used this post a year or ten ago!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm having second thoughts. It's not a feeling of "I can't live without him". We've been together for a very long time so there's no puppy love. All I want is happiness, stability and no drama -- for me and my children. I said it was over because I think this will never end. It will be a lifetime fighting and stints of the silent treatment if I don't. But at the same time, if we just make up, it all goes back to normal now. We head to the beach and have a great week. but then what message am I sending to my kids? That that's a Normal relationship? If I leave, it's a hell of a lot more instability and drama until I don't I when. It's so hard because I don't know what the other side will look like. Maybe I'm just getting scared and need to stay strong?

As a man just recently separated, my only advice is to know what the goals of the separation are. Do you need space to calm down, time to start respective individual therapies, pre-divorce? Do you think reconciliation is a realistic possibility, and if so, what would it take? This is hard to think about, but I think it can be important. The problem with separation is that usually one person wants it and the other one doesn't, which makes these types of conversations hard to have (I get that!) The first time I found out my recent ex considered our separation permanent was when she picked up the kids without her wedding band on. I'm glad I know, because now I can start to get finances, house sale, etc...moving. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the fewer surprises the two of you pull on each other, the better off both of you and the kids will be. Plus, if you understand what you need from the separation, it will be much easier to get it. The ambivalence you seem to feel (and I know it VERY well) can be heartbreaking and paralyzing.

Getting a divorce doesn't need to be a foregone conclusion at this point, unless that's what you REALLY want. But separating without some form of plan to reconcile is probably a death warrant to the marriage. Just my opinion.

Hang in there!