Chance of Reconciliation

[Anonymous]

My wife moved out leaving me primarily with the kids. She had/s an affair with a co-worker, which for very obvious reasons (not relevant here) can never really go anywhere. In other words, it has an expiration date.

The timing of when she said the classic "I love you but am not IN love with you" was precisely when she "fell in love" with her affair partner. She says that, of course, her falling out of love with me had nothing to do with the other man.

Does anyone have any experience with reconciliation after the "spell" of the affair ends? I am wondering if it is worth waiting around. I know it sounds pathetic, but I honestly believe she's acting this way out of some insanity.

Anyway, any experience or thoughts appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Your respective ages? Kids ages? Her AP's age and his marital status?

[Anonymous]

It's too complex to answer on a message board I think.

It's not pathetic to want your family intact.

She definitely may be temporarily insane. I know a lot of people who do that kind of stuff. However, their character had never been the strongest even when they were acting "right." If that makes sense. So I'm not sure I would trust her even if she came to her senses.

And a big part of it deals with what may have been wrong in the marriage before. If there is something identifiable and it can be fixed, that may make a difference in the success of any reconciliation.

But the bottom line is that you are in limbo now, which sucks. And emotionally dependent on wondering what she may do. I'd try to refocus your attention and emotions on you, if possible. Therapy can help. I know everyone suggests that. But it really can. Don't stall out in life because she's being a jerk. Remember she's hurting your kids too. I personally don't take kindly to that. Move forward with dignity and strength, and make a good life for yourself and kids. If she comes crawling back, you will be the one with the power to decide whether it's worth reconciling.

[Anonymous]

Can you ever trust her again? Can you keep your dignity? If you cannot answer to both, end the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Two children under ten. We are mid forties. AP not married. Age appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's too complex to answer on a message board I think.

It's not pathetic to want your family intact.

She definitely may be temporarily insane. I know a lot of people who do that kind of stuff. However, their character had never been the strongest even when they were acting "right." If that makes sense. So I'm not sure I would trust her even if she came to her senses.

And a big part of it deals with what may have been wrong in the marriage before. If there is something identifiable and it can be fixed, that may make a difference in the success of any reconciliation.

But the bottom line is that you are in limbo now, which sucks. And emotionally dependent on wondering what she may do. I'd try to refocus your attention and emotions on you, if possible. Therapy can help. I know everyone suggests that. But it really can. Don't stall out in life because she's being a jerk. Remember she's hurting your kids too. I personally don't take kindly to that. Move forward with dignity and strength, and make a good life for yourself and kids. If she comes crawling back, you will be the one with the power to decide whether it's worth reconciling.

This is what my instinct tells me. Move on with dignity. I hadn't realized she was unhappy. Since I learned I worked hard to no avail. It's like she just doesn't care. Really. Made my head spin. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Reconciliation doesn't make your life go back to where it was. Sounds very much like it's the end of the road. I'd spend time and energy on figuring out how to protect your kids and moving on.

[Anonymous]

Thx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife moved out leaving me primarily with the kids. She had/s an affair with a co-worker, which for very obvious reasons (not relevant here) can never really go anywhere. In other words, it has an expiration date.

The timing of when she said the classic "I love you but am not IN love with you" was precisely when she "fell in love" with her affair partner. She says that, of course, her falling out of love with me had nothing to do with the other man.

Does anyone have any experience with reconciliation after the "spell" of the affair ends? I am wondering if it is worth waiting around. I know it sounds pathetic, but I honestly believe she's acting this way out of some insanity.

Anyway, any experience or thoughts appreciated.

You have a great opportunity to find someone with morals and values who would put you and your kids first and foremost. Why would you continue to stay in a rut?? Yes my experience is cheaters end up cheating again, AND it's a horrible life of never being able to trust them anywhere outside of the home.

Please try and move on, but my advice would be to make sure you know the person well before committing. Family values, and all that. There are always red flags about a person's character, pay attention to that.

[Anonymous]

I am under the impression that when women are not happy in a marriage, they don't voice it. And once they decide the relationship is done, it's done. Instead of asking for a divorce, the affair forced the issue.

[Anonymous]

She would only come back because the AP thing didn't work out. She would only use you until someone else came along.

[Anonymous]

All good advice. Man but it is hard because it's not the woman I knew.

[Anonymous]

Women who have affairs have emotional/mental issues. (most men do too but some are just assholes)

If you reconcile and she does not address her emotional/mental issues she will just blame you for her unhappiness or "fall out of love" again and cheat again.

You are right that 95% of AP leave their AP when they are faced with becoming a "real" partner.

So, it will probably end.

Even if you want to reconcile you should act as if you are moving on... google the "180 of affairs".

If she comes crawling back you should require 1 year minimum of individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, did she tell you why she was unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All good advice. Man but it is hard because it's not the woman I knew.

You didn't know her, but you do now. Get out and stop the communication unless necessary and only about the kids. Dating would probably help while you put the divorce through.