DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating
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Anonymous
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I’m not suggesting he needs to jump up instantly when DC needs something. But he is the king of either magically not hearing the requests for help (like he can go 10 minutes just not even responding and when I finally get sick of it and say “here, I can get that down for you” he’s surprised). Or he’ll say, “just a minute” and the minute is literally endless. I have watched him “just a minute” for an hour. And our DC just progressively melts down in this time.
It sucks because it makes me feel like I always have to be the one to help, and of course that means our kid comes to me first for everything. I try to only do this when it’s really important (DH will even try to delay bathroom requests, which drives me up a wall, and then he’ll get annoyed with an accident and I’m like “you should be annoyed with yourself!”). But also: our kid rarely whines and is good at saying please and is generally polite. I can’t stand watching DH just ignore or postpone totally reasonable, polite requests because I want to reward that behavior. Also, usually these delays are because he is in his computer, iPad, or phone. Sometimes he’s reading or working, but most often he’s scrolling Twitter or playing a game. This drives me nuts, especially the games. The games are especially annoying to me. If I express frustration with this, he tells me he just has a different parenting style or he gets annoyed and says “I don’t work for you.” I’m sick of it. I think he’s just being lazy and relying on me to pick up his slack, and I also worry about the impact this will have long term on our kid, both on the relationship with DH and in the behaviors DH is modeling. Advice? |
Anonymous
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You have a bigger problem: once your kid is older dad will start involving him in his stupid videogames...
it’s kind of dumb to just suggest divorce but I am thinking that’s where you are heading |
Anonymous
But first you will have a hard time trying to limit screen time for kid because he will always be around dad when he is on his screens... trying to watch him play... btdt |
Anonymous
| I've also BTDT. The kids came to me for needs or just to hang out. My husband felt like he wasn't part of the family. He couldn't see that he was the one who set up the dynamic. He has basically no relationship with the teens. He cheated to fill the empty void left by neglecting the kids and we're divorcing. I don't think there is anything I could have done to fix it. I'm unsure if divorcing earlier would have been better. |
Anonymous
| My kids are both addicted to screens thanks to dad always being on them and thinking it’s normal for kids to be online all day. If I had a better income I would divorce. |
Anonymous
And then Dad will get 50% custody so OP's son will need to spend half his time with someone like this, and OP won't be there to intervene. |
Anonymous
Not sure if it’s of if any consolation but I am the first btdt poster, and we separated when DS was eight. It still didn’t help with screen addition, because dad keeps introducing new cool games and like your H doesn’t see anything wrong with being on screens all day. |
Anonymous
It didn’t work out like this for me because the ex is not interested in 50/50 except on paper. We don’t have formal custody arrangements yet but I am not going to fight 50/50 if it comes to that - in reality he spends 1-2 days on weekends with our DS, and I am planning to keep it that way (without child support modifications because I am letting the sleeping dogs lie). |
Anonymous
I’m sorry for both of you. Stay strong. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Well, I'm glad I'm not alone in this, though all the comments about divorce are upsetting. I'm not in that headspace at all but I am pretty fed up with this specific behavior.
The thing is, my DH actually agrees that he is on screens too much and agrees we should not model this behavior for our kid. I will also note that I feel I spend too much time on my phone in general and also work freelance so am on my computer around DC all the time. However, if DC needs something, I am very good at putting down whatever device I am on and turning my attention to my child. I do think this is partly because I don't do any social media and don't play games almost ever -- I think those things are designed to suck you in and make it hard to stop. I might say to DC, "Ok, let me finish typing this email and then I'll get you a snack" or "yes, I need to finish reading this paragraph and then we'll get ready for the park." But then I actually do those things because I'm engaged in a specific task and need to finish it. I think it's healthy for DC to understand that they can't get what they want instantly, and also that I have a life and other things that require my attention sometimes. Also, unlike DH, I don't become so wholly absorbed in the screen that I don't hear it when people talk to me. I might say "hold on a sec, let me finish this" before turning my attention to them (whether it's DC or DH or someone else), but I don't just ignore them. Even if I'm on a screen, I'm still present in my home with my family. And if I need to be fully engaged in something work related outside of my normal work hours, I will let people know and go in my office and get it done. What I'm saying is that I'm not perfect and I don't think DH and I are that far apart on screen time. But he has a MUCH harder time just putting the screen down and seems to feel much more entitled to ignore our child than I do, which is leading to a very unequal parenting set up even though we split most other stuff pretty equitably. Our kid is still really getting the idea that if they need anything, including stuff like "someone to tell about this thing that happened at school", I am much more available. But DH is so resistant to discussing it, which is upsetting. |
Anonymous
Divorce?! I mean.... for richer or poorer, sickness and health.... unless you have a mild screen addiction. Then, by all means, break up the family. not so much dumb advice, but very confused. |
Anonymous
| My DH is like this (but without the video game aspect). I continually remind the kids to ask dad and then I yell at him when he "doesn't hear" the first several requests. I don't want to become the default parent to be asked for everything more than I already am. A lot of men are lazy in this way and they are often incapable of multi-tasking. |
Anonymous
| My DH is like this. He finally was diagnosed with adhd. "Time blindness" is a term used - not having a clear idea of how much time has passed. Also, not hearing others speaking to you because you are so absorbed - that's a common sign. So look into that and see if it might fit and save you from resentment |
Anonymous
| I have always called myself the hop up parent because my spouse is exactly like this. It really didn’t bother me though so it wasn’t a problem. My last kid is now in HS. We’re still married and my kids all have good relationships with both of us. And no one is addicted to screens. |
Anonymous
I have similar situation. Kids come to me for anything, and I work full time, do 80% of parenting and house chores. My kids are under 6, and DH does not respond to their request in a timely fashion. It takes him like forever to do anything and he is like a sloth. And, he complains to me that I don’t share parenting, make all kid decision by myself, and he is mad when I complain about all housework on myself. He also complains that he is not part of the family since I do things without talking to him or involving him. Please imagine, how do I talk to someone that likes to wake up till 11am on weekend, and often go to his room after meals, and I am the one doing the cooking, cleaning and taking care of kids all by myself. It is not like that he will go out with us, then why do I need to involve him at all. Today, I kick him out of the door in the neighborhood to get the 5 year old to learn to ride scooter after 20 min argument, and the last time he take either or both kids out of the front door to play was a year ago. And, we have a neighborhood playground which is 2 min walking distance. WFH makes him staying in home like a glue stick. |