DH takes too long to respond to DC, it’s infuriating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a bigger problem: once your kid is older dad will start involving him in his stupid videogames...
it’s kind of dumb to just suggest divorce but I am thinking that’s where you are heading

Divorce?! I mean.... for richer or poorer, sickness and health.... unless you have a mild screen addiction. Then, by all means, break up the family.

not so much dumb advice, but very confused.

NP. I could have written OP's post. In my case, the "mild screen addiction" is just a symptom of a larger problem of lack of involvement in family life, checking out whenever it suits him, etc. We have 2 under 6. I do everything. The children and everything in the house is my responsibility. Im on 100% of the day and night. He surfaces for air from the basement once a day for a half hour of token "engagement" with the kids, and that is it. Oh, and we both have full time jobs, so it isn't some SAHM dynamic going on here.
And, yes, I most certainly AM contemplating divorce. He's completely changed in the last 2 years, and I can't handle much more of this. The pandemic has only amplified the problems.

[Anonymous]

At the Montessori school where my DS goes, they taught them to put stand next to the grownup whose attention they want and put their hand on their shoulder, instead of interrupting.

I don't know if this would work here or not but it might be worth teaching your DD to try that with your DH.

I do agree, though, that you don't have a great dynamic on your hands with DH.

You're nagging, he's defensive etc. Not saying it's your fault -- just that the general dynamic seems kind of crappy. Counseling maybe?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

The ADHD suggestion is interesting. It could be this. It does also feel like a learned behavior that a lot of men engage in though, especially the thing where he just checks out and can't hear a child three feet away who is asking repeatedly for a snack or help with the bathroom or whatever. That one really gets me because I honestly can't tell if he really can't hear DC or is just incredibly good at tuning things out. I feel like he's tuning it out because, for instance, if he hears the laundry or the oven timer go off, he definitely hears it and will get up to deal with it. So it is strange and frustrating to me when my kid is asking over and over and he's just a brick wall. So I feel like it could be ADHD but I do think there is also some willful behavior in there, too. But maybe investigating ADHD as a diagnosis could open the door to talking about it in a way where he is less defensive. Maybe.

I really relate to what PP said, though, about just being the parent on call 100% of the time. And yes, I work, too. But I sometimes feel, especially on the weekends, like my time and my life just doesn't belong to me at all, that every second of my waking hours is dedicated to parenting or thinking about parenting and I just desperately need a break. And it's frustrating that my DH seems to be able to take breaks all the time, whenever he feels like it, but just checking out mentally. I sometimes try to check out mentally but it rarely works because my kid just comes to me. I've had the situation where my DH is supposed to be on "kid duty" so that I can take a nap or get a workout or something, and then he will ignore DC (usually while staring at his phone) so DC will come to me and interrupt whatever I'm doing, and then I'll say "go ask your dad" and then DH will blame DC for "making [him] look bad." It's such a frustrating dynamic because (1) it's gross to watch your spouse blame your kid for their own neglectful behavior, and (2) when this stuff happens I don't even want to have the debate about it, I just want to be left alone.

And yes, the pandemic has made it a million times worse, with all the shortened daycare hours and the months where daycare wasn't even open and also limited ability to travel or do other things to break up the monotony. It's making my DH even more checked out, and it's making me feel even more frustrated when I wind up picking up the slack. I think if we all got a bit of a break, this would still be an issue but it wouldn't be quite so infuriating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the Montessori school where my DS goes, they taught them to put stand next to the grownup whose attention they want and put their hand on their shoulder, instead of interrupting.

I don't know if this would work here or not but it might be worth teaching your DD to try that with your DH.

I do agree, though, that you don't have a great dynamic on your hands with DH.

You're nagging, he's defensive etc. Not saying it's your fault -- just that the general dynamic seems kind of crappy. Counseling maybe?

That hand idea is a good one, I will try teaching that.

I don't nag -- most of the time I say nothing and just deal with whatever. I don't even have a chance to nag. If I say anything, ever, about this, he gets super defensive and annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the Montessori school where my DS goes, they taught them to put stand next to the grownup whose attention they want and put their hand on their shoulder, instead of interrupting.

I don't know if this would work here or not but it might be worth teaching your DD to try that with your DH.

I do agree, though, that you don't have a great dynamic on your hands with DH.

You're nagging, he's defensive etc. Not saying it's your fault -- just that the general dynamic seems kind of crappy. Counseling maybe?

That hand idea is a good one, I will try teaching that.

I don't nag -- most of the time I say nothing and just deal with whatever. I don't even have a chance to nag. If I say anything, ever, about this, he gets super defensive and annoyed.

Look this is going to be controversial but—so what. Start a fight. Get mad. Tell him he’s being a sucky dad and husband. And DONT HELP THE KID. Say, “H would you set your freaking phone down? Larlo asked with help in the bathroom 3 times. Get up and help him NOW.”

I’ve been married 10 years, 3 kids, oldest is 9. If I hadn’t started picking fights and been willing to get mad it never would have gotten better. But instead I’m still married and still working (didn’t quit to pick up his slack like many moms do and like I consider). Yeah he got mad and defensive and it blew up but when he cooled down he had no real defense because I was right.

[Anonymous]

Would he be willing to take a PEP parenting class? It's not just the extra burden on you, but I assume DC is noticing that DH is ignoring him and doesn't feel great about it.

Also- I have to say that if my DH said "I don't work for you" I would lose it- that is a really rude thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would he be willing to take a PEP parenting class? It's not just the extra burden on you, but I assume DC is noticing that DH is ignoring him and doesn't feel great about it.

Also- I have to say that if my DH said "I don't work for you" I would lose it- that is a really rude thing to say.

I did lose it, which is why I'm posting here now. I feel like he is acting like an insolent child and if I say things to him like "we're supposed to be partners in this and I feel like I'm on my own a lot" he just throws a fit and tells me how much it hurts his feelings for me to say that. When I challenge him not his stuff he immediately goes to "why are you always upset with me, oh I can't do anything right, etc." Like the way a teenager behaves when he gets in trouble for breaking curfew.

I do not want to be his mother AT ALL but I also don't understand how you get a full grown adult who made the active choice to become a parent to actually be a parent. It's frustrating to me that this is even my job, but I also feel like my kid and I both suffer because of this dynamic. I get tired and stressed because I never get a break, and my kid must notice that DH is so checked out.

I've suggested we take a parenting class together before and he kind of rolls his eyes at it, I think he knows I'm only offering to do it with him because I just really think he should do it. We've talked about doing marriage counseling but I have had a really hard time finding a counselor recently -- everyone I've reached out to is not taking new patients right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The ADHD suggestion is interesting. It could be this. It does also feel like a learned behavior that a lot of men engage in though, especially the thing where he just checks out and can't hear a child three feet away who is asking repeatedly for a snack or help with the bathroom or whatever. That one really gets me because I honestly can't tell if he really can't hear DC or is just incredibly good at tuning things out. I feel like he's tuning it out because, for instance, if he hears the laundry or the oven timer go off, he definitely hears it and will get up to deal with it. So it is strange and frustrating to me when my kid is asking over and over and he's just a brick wall. So I feel like it could be ADHD but I do think there is also some willful behavior in there, too. But maybe investigating ADHD as a diagnosis could open the door to talking about it in a way where he is less defensive. Maybe.

I really relate to what PP said, though, about just being the parent on call 100% of the time. And yes, I work, too. But I sometimes feel, especially on the weekends, like my time and my life just doesn't belong to me at all, that every second of my waking hours is dedicated to parenting or thinking about parenting and I just desperately need a break. And it's frustrating that my DH seems to be able to take breaks all the time, whenever he feels like it, but just checking out mentally. I sometimes try to check out mentally but it rarely works because my kid just comes to me. I've had the situation where my DH is supposed to be on "kid duty" so that I can take a nap or get a workout or something, and then he will ignore DC (usually while staring at his phone) so DC will come to me and interrupt whatever I'm doing, and then I'll say "go ask your dad" and then DH will blame DC for "making [him] look bad." It's such a frustrating dynamic because (1) it's gross to watch your spouse blame your kid for their own neglectful behavior, and (2) when this stuff happens I don't even want to have the debate about it, I just want to be left alone.

And yes, the pandemic has made it a million times worse, with all the shortened daycare hours and the months where daycare wasn't even open and also limited ability to travel or do other things to break up the monotony. It's making my DH even more checked out, and it's making me feel even more frustrated when I wind up picking up the slack. I think if we all got a bit of a break, this would still be an issue but it wouldn't be quite so infuriating.

I'm the PP that suggested ADHD. It sounds like MANY men act this way, and I'm sure they don't all have ADHD. But if there are other signs in your DH it might be worth looking at.

In my DH's case, it was actually pretty obvious that he has ADHD. But he's extremely intelligent and able to compensate so it was not flagged in his school days in the 80s and 90s. And now he's very successful in his career. (I was always like, how can he do so well at work when he is like this?? And it's kinda like everyone puts up with his quirks because he can do things that other people can't.) So he was doing better than getting by. But his behavior was causing issues in our relationship. And for my part, I didn't know enough about ADHD to know that these particular annoying behaviors were attributable to that. Once I learned more and put it all together ... it was a real epiphany. He went to the doctor, got diagnosed, now takes medicine, and I do see a difference, but it's only been a couple months, and it's not like he's perfect now, haha. But I notice that he's more patient and more available. More able to make changes. Less irritable.

Anyway, if you take a look at the diagnostic criteria and read a bit about it, you'll probably get a good idea whether this is your DH's issue or not.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OP. I know other families with a similar dynamic and the kids are definitely less bonded with their father. Assuming it’s not a larger issue like ADHD, I would suggest you split up weekends into blocks:

1) DH’s time off - he can shut himself into his room and be on the screen, or else workout or nap or whatever
2) DH’s time on - he has to leave his phone somewhere so that he is responsive to DC. He can read a book or cook or fold laundry or do a household project. Meanwhile you get time off
3) Family time - both of you are “on” and engaging DC, eg playing a board game or going on an outing. Put phones away unless actively looking something up



Also, are there ways you can increase your child’s independence / self-sufficiency? Eg by placing things on lower shelves, or getting a step stool? They will feel happy and confident to do things for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would he be willing to take a PEP parenting class? It's not just the extra burden on you, but I assume DC is noticing that DH is ignoring him and doesn't feel great about it.

Also- I have to say that if my DH said "I don't work for you" I would lose it- that is a really rude thing to say.

I did lose it, which is why I'm posting here now. I feel like he is acting like an insolent child and if I say things to him like "we're supposed to be partners in this and I feel like I'm on my own a lot" he just throws a fit and tells me how much it hurts his feelings for me to say that. When I challenge him not his stuff he immediately goes to "why are you always upset with me, oh I can't do anything right, etc." Like the way a teenager behaves when he gets in trouble for breaking curfew.

I do not want to be his mother AT ALL but I also don't understand how you get a full grown adult who made the active choice to become a parent to actually be a parent. It's frustrating to me that this is even my job, but I also feel like my kid and I both suffer because of this dynamic. I get tired and stressed because I never get a break, and my kid must notice that DH is so checked out.

I've suggested we take a parenting class together before and he kind of rolls his eyes at it, I think he knows I'm only offering to do it with him because I just really think he should do it. We've talked about doing marriage counseling but I have had a really hard time finding a counselor recently -- everyone I've reached out to is not taking new patients right now.

I just wanted to add that this is a very typical dynamic in marriages between an ADHDer and neurotypical (but also probably typical of marriages in which the DH is just a jerk man-baby too).

[Anonymous]

Your child will quickly learn they are not a priority to him and it will affect their relationship. But it sounds like telling him this isn't going to change him. He thinks only of himself and that's not going to change. I sure hope you put off things he wants when he asks! He's a big boy and he can take care of himself.

[Anonymous]

Stop telling him what you feel. Start setting a timer. Then it's not, I feel like I am doing all of the work, etc. It's, Larlo asked you for a snack for the first time 30 minutes ago. Or, Larlo asked you for help to go to the potty 15 minutes ago. He can't dispute how much time has gone by. I mean, I've done this to my own kids. Five minutes can seem like 5 seconds to me, but 5 hours to them. Start timing it. That way, YOU will know how much time has really gone by, and so will he. And it's not a feeling. And he can't dispute it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling him what you feel. Start setting a timer. Then it's not, I feel like I am doing all of the work, etc. It's, Larlo asked you for a snack for the first time 30 minutes ago. Or, Larlo asked you for help to go to the potty 15 minutes ago. He can't dispute how much time has gone by. I mean, I've done this to my own kids. Five minutes can seem like 5 seconds to me, but 5 hours to them. Start timing it. That way, YOU will know how much time has really gone by, and so will he. And it's not a feeling. And he can't dispute it.

I think a timer would be really helpful. But ask dh to set it! Tell your kid to put his hand on dh’s arm when he wants or needs something. Yelling from another room doesn’t work. When Dh says “one minute” then ask dh to set a timer for one minute. If he can hear the laundry or microwave ding then maybe his phone alarm would be better?

My dad did zero to help raise us. My mom didn’t fight back. They divorced when I was a tween and we were all better off without him.

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who thinks it's okay for kids to learn to wait so long as it's not an immediate need.

I suggest making things that are safe for DS accessible to him so he doesn't require you or DHs constant help it's good for him to have this kind of independence., This can be for snacks, toys, crafts etc.

Shouting across the house shouldn't be encouraged unless emergency have DS come over to you and place hand on shoulder for something he needs help with right away such as toileting.
Also encourage independence here to not for your husband but for DS to build his confidence make sure he has pants/ undies he can slip on and off with ease he can call for wiping help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who thinks it's okay for kids to learn to wait so long as it's not an immediate need.

I suggest making things that are safe for DS accessible to him so he doesn't require you or DHs constant help it's good for him to have this kind of independence., This can be for snacks, toys, crafts etc.

Shouting across the house shouldn't be encouraged unless emergency have DS come over to you and place hand on shoulder for something he needs help with right away such as toileting.
Also encourage independence here to not for your husband but for DS to build his confidence make sure he has pants/ undies he can slip on and off with ease he can call for wiping help

+1 And whatever you do, do not jump in and help your DS when he's asking for your DH (unless it is actually something important). Natural consequences.