Getting over friendship with a narcissist

[Anonymous]

Has anyone ever had a friend who turns out to be a narcissist, where that friend's behavior became abusive? I am struggling a bit because this happened to me but it sometimes feels like a weird outlier experience. Most people who have experienced narcissistic abuse seem to have experienced it in romantic relationships or with an immediate family member. I also grew up with a narcissist in my immediate family which I know is why I was attracted to this friend in the first place. But I still sometimes feel unusually gullible and vulnerable for having fallen into this pattern with a friend.

Even my therapist does not seem to view what happened with my friend as a significant issue. She is much more interested in discussing my childhood experience. I understand why, because of course my childhood experience laid the groundwork for everything else. But I know I have specific feelings around what happened with my friend that I need to explore and discuss, and she just doesn't seem that interested or seem to think it matters as much.

Sometimes it feels like the relationship doesn't matter or I should have just gotten over it by now (it has been two years since I went no contact with that friend) because it was "just" a friendship. But in a weird way I think that attitude is exactly why I still feel like I'm not totally over it -- because no one seems to think it mattered in the first place. Whereas I feel like I've reached a real point of resolution and peace with regards to my narcissistic family member because that is a situation people, including my therapist, seem to think merits discussing and addressing.

Anyone else deal with this? I know friendships aren't as entangling as romantic relationships or family, but they do still matter. Why is it so hard to talk about how a relationship with a narcissistic friend had a lasting effect on you without sounding like you are being melodramatic about it?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Me. It messes with your head and crazy-making. I am still processing it 2.5 years later but I think it's because she is in my life in periphery (lives close to me, kids friends, etc.)

I have a few other friends who have gone through strife with this former friend so I know I am not alone but most don't want to talk about it because it's so crazy.

I have talked to my therapist about it in depth as well. She has validated me. She has not made me think deeper about my family. That is not the issue. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist should not be ignoring or pushing aside anything that is significant or meaningful to you, or anything that is causing you pain that you wish to discuss. By exploring your experience within this friendship in therapy, you’ll naturally be reflecting on your family of origin and making those connections. The pain of this loss of friendship may be greatly impacted by the older pain rooted in your childhood, but that’s no reason to brush it aside - quite the contrary.

Your therapist should be following your lead and not dictating what’s important to you (unless you have a pattern of avoiding discussions about your childhood, and it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on here). I would bring all of this to the table in your next session.

[Anonymous]

Going through this too. It's a lot to process. I'm just giving it time. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

It’s tough. The thing with narcissist friends is that they are super charming, warm, fun, etc in the beginning, and then the mask starts slipping.

My former narcissist friend was a terrible person, but it took a little while to figure it out and then to process the Jekyll and Hyde personalities. I had to come to the realization that the good side of her was not her true self and that she would only continue to cause harm if I stayed friends with her. Plus, I could never get over some of the things she did to me. My DH called her a narcissist and I have never heard him use that word about anyone. That’s how awful she is.

The other hard thing is, unless people are close to the narcissist, they aren’t going to see what you see, so your former narcissist friend might seem like she’s well liked because they are good at keeping up a facade with people they don’t know well.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and the drama from the friendship really hurt my confidence and identity. When I started pulling away bc I began to recognize her abusive behavior, she lashed out and started telling others all sorts of lies.

People who heard her kept trying to "both sides" what was happening, suggesting things were all relative, as if we've both been equally abusive and manipulative. I just realized there was no point in engaging or trying to defend myself or explain. The more you try to do that, the more drama you get drawn into and legitimize the abusive person. I had to kind of distance myself from others I loved, but eventually they also began to realize how problematic that person is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s tough. The thing with narcissist friends is that they are super charming, warm, fun, etc in the beginning, and then the mask starts slipping.

My former narcissist friend was a terrible person, but it took a little while to figure it out and then to process the Jekyll and Hyde personalities. I had to come to the realization that the good side of her was not her true self and that she would only continue to cause harm if I stayed friends with her. Plus, I could never get over some of the things she did to me. My DH called her a narcissist and I have never heard him use that word about anyone. That’s how awful she is.

The other hard thing is, unless people are close to the narcissist, they aren’t going to see what you see, so your former narcissist friend might seem like she’s well liked because they are good at keeping up a facade with people they don’t know well.

OP here. Yes to all of this! You nailed it. I definitely feel gaslit but some of our mutual friends who will agree that some of what she did is awful but then just shrug it off because they haven’t experienced it. Their attitude has been hurtful enough that I’ve faded a bit from those friendships, which is increasing the sense of loss I feel after ending the friendship with the narcissist.

I also wound up working part time with the narcissist (a side gig, not my main job) and she had some authority over me there snd was very exploitative. That’s how I figured out what was going on with her because the power differential there really highlighted some of her more controlling and manipulative behaviors for me. Leaving the friendship meant quitting that job, too. So I just have this very profound sense of loss linked to this relationship even though I know ending it was the right thing.

It’s not that my therapist discourages talking about it altogether. It more that when I bring it up, it’s like she’s not interested or bored. Even though we really haven’t discussed it much. It just makes me feel silly for bringing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and the drama from the friendship really hurt my confidence and identity. When I started pulling away bc I began to recognize her abusive behavior, she lashed out and started telling others all sorts of lies.

People who heard her kept trying to "both sides" what was happening, suggesting things were all relative, as if we've both been equally abusive and manipulative. I just realized there was no point in engaging or trying to defend myself or explain. The more you try to do that, the more drama you get drawn into and legitimize the abusive person. I had to kind of distance myself from others I loved, but eventually they also began to realize how problematic that person is.

Ugh, yes. That “both sides” thing was particularly frustrating because the harmful thing I supposedly did was my decision to distance myself from this friend. Like she spent a year lying to me, making unkind and passive aggressive comments, and manipulating me into doing favors for her while also bailing on me last minute whenever I’d ask for anything. But because I decided I didn’t want to be friends with someone who treated me that way, I am “also to blame.” I think people just don’t want to deal with it. It’s very isolating.

[Anonymous]

Been in the same position. Been no contact for 8 months and been the best thing that I could have ever done. I wish I had done it sooner but lacked the confidence and courage that I now have.
One thing I do want to say is that people say that as soon as you stop the contact, that's it. It isn't. It is only the start of the healing journey. I still have days where I question myself and my confidence has taken a huge dive as has my ability to trust for others and even care for them as I am terrified of being hurt again.
Actually nice to post here and know others understand.
I wish you well OP. It will take time but you will come out stronger and feel lighter in time.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist may be trying to guide the discussion back to you, instead of fixating on your friend. In a lot of ways, a narcissist makes it so that you end up focusing all your emotional and mental energy on them, they love being the focus of attention. They prefer the positive attention, but if they cannot get that, they will settle for the negative attention. They do this (almost unconsciously) by keeping you off kilter, insecure, entwined into their web of drama.

You have to get to a point where this friend has no power over you anymore, meaning you have to forgive her. This is for you, not for her. You have to know and believe that you are better off without her in your life. At some point, all of her manipulative tactics will become obvious to you, and you will be able to see them with detached curiosity instead of it getting under your skin. And the only way to really heal from a relationship with a narcissist is to create a lot of distance from this friend. It may mean giving up some other friends that are also under the spell of the narcissist.

There is a loss of identity that happens when you are with a narcissist, and it will take some time to find that again. You may have always struggled a bit with your sense of identity, even before meeting this friend. So maybe you can work on that with your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been in the same position. Been no contact for 8 months and been the best thing that I could have ever done. I wish I had done it sooner but lacked the confidence and courage that I now have.
One thing I do want to say is that people say that as soon as you stop the contact, that's it. It isn't. It is only the start of the healing journey. I still have days where I question myself and my confidence has taken a huge dive as has my ability to trust for others and even care for them as I am terrified of being hurt again.
Actually nice to post here and know others understand.
I wish you well OP. It will take time but you will come out stronger and feel lighter in time.

Agreed. Going no contact is tough and takes work to maintain. If you were in the narcissistic friendship for a while, it is hard to deal with leaving the dynamic behind. A major feature of narcissists is that they are good at drawing you in (via lovebombing or using their vulnerability to make you feel guilty or sorry for them). You get used to the positive feelings this phase elicits and it can be hard to focus on how the narcissist them uses those good feelings to use/manipulate. It’s a cycle and can be hard to escape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist may be trying to guide the discussion back to you, instead of fixating on your friend. In a lot of ways, a narcissist makes it so that you end up focusing all your emotional and mental energy on them, they love being the focus of attention. They prefer the positive attention, but if they cannot get that, they will settle for the negative attention. They do this (almost unconsciously) by keeping you off kilter, insecure, entwined into their web of drama.

You have to get to a point where this friend has no power over you anymore, meaning you have to forgive her. This is for you, not for her. You have to know and believe that you are better off without her in your life. At some point, all of her manipulative tactics will become obvious to you, and you will be able to see them with detached curiosity instead of it getting under your skin. And the only way to really heal from a relationship with a narcissist is to create a lot of distance from this friend. It may mean giving up some other friends that are also under the spell of the narcissist.

There is a loss of identity that happens when you are with a narcissist, and it will take some time to find that again. You may have always struggled a bit with your sense of identity, even before meeting this friend. So maybe you can work on that with your therapist.

Really good advice here. I will say that I don’t think of it as forgiveness. I think of it as simply letting them go, choosing to longer be hurt by what they did. Like applying the meditation practice of observing thoughts and letting them go, but for a person and relationship. This was easier for me than forgiveness, because trying to feel forgiving was such a block for me. It was more manageable to focus on detachment.

[Anonymous]

This is a process, be kind to yourself. Currently going through this with a close friend. She has changed drastically since the birth of her child. The constant complaining about her failing marriage, lack of support from family has depleted ny emotional well. When a friend complains constantly but never once sits down face to face to ask you how you are doing. Ask yourself, what are you getting out of this friendship? Hard questions for easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Yes she was a user and narcissist. If you couldn't be of use to her she wouldn't call. Her daughter told me she kept trying to get into many of the pictures at her wedding. Like when the photographer walks around. I'm now happy to just be with my family and pets. Many friends turn out to be nightmares, and can affect your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I realized that everything with her had an “angle” and that she was basically using me. I realized that while I was revealing information about myself and my true feelings, she was keeping her cards close to her chest & never really intended to get to know me in non-superficial/useful way…