How to deal with painful envy and disappointment in life
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I will be turning 35 next year and as the date approaches, I am wrecked with tremendous shame and anxiety about how little I have accomplished in my life thus far. I feel shame that despite my parents giving me every advantage since I was a baby, I have very little to show for it. I also am scared as most of what I wanted has not happened for me and I seriously wonder if it ever will.
Here are the goals and dreams I had: - U.S. green card. I come from a third world country and when I came here for college I dreamed I'd be able to stay and build a life here. I am so thankful that I met my American husband so I do have residency. So this is something that I actually did accomplish - Happy marriage. I generally have a happy marriage but we have had a tough road. Neither of us had any money when we married so I have personally REALLY struggled with my idea of getting married, having babies and having a house. We got married 6 years ago...and we have slaved away in low paying jobs until now, unable to move forward with dreams of a family and home ownership. - Children. For as long as I have known, I have dreamed of being a mother. My immigration to the U.S., not having a work permit for a while and low salaries and graduate school loans for DH, we...never really felt we could afford a child. Now I am turning 35 and I feel so much regret for lost time. - Home. Due to the nature of this being NOVA, everyone we know started buying beautiful million dollar homes starting at late twenties. Friends who we thought we at our income level, somehow had large downpayments and can afford to pay 6k per month for a mortgage! I am bitter and jealous with envy. I cry most days feeling the unfairness of it all. -Career. My career is so behind due to studying history and dealing with immigration stuff. I am so ashamed of how little money I make and my role given my prestigious education. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I do not want to get out of bed. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed when I hang out with others in our social circle in their million dollar homes and babies. I am such an utter failure, 
|
Anonymous
| Grrrrrrllll....you're 34. This is DC. You'd be a young mom here if you had kids at this point. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I must also note that I come from a pretty traditional country and since I wanted to be a mother so bad, I sort of...did not put that much effort into building a career as I naively thought my DH would be making enough to support us. That hasn't really panned out and I am so disappointed and sad and feel stupid. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I say this with kindness - if you wait to be in a million dollar home to have a baby, you’re not having a baby. Plenty of babies are born in rental apartments and live happy healthy lives.
Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be people who are better looking, more successful, wealthier, smarter, luckier… you have to stop wishing for their lives and find a way to optimize your own. |
Anonymous
|
All of this stuff is within your control. Frankly, I read your post and see a bunch of excuses. What you want isn’t going to happen by sitting around and envying what other people have, crying over the unfairness of it all. Really? Get a grip.
I don’t mean to sound unkind, but you have to manifest your goals and I see no talk of actual actions you are taking to do so. |
Anonymous
|
Reading your post I was thinking of all you HAVE accomplished.
*You moved to a new country and started a new life, *You went to college and got a "prestigious education" *You got married *You got a green card Give yourself a break! Your friends in million dollar houses may not have had any of the challenges you did and may have gotten family support. Seriously, I think you're doing great. |
Anonymous
I love this. OP seriously you are doing great. And you have been as well. |
Anonymous
I do not agree with this comment. Low-paying jobs are the reality for most people, and especially immigrants (just because some people have high paying jobs doesn’t mean everybody who works for them can get one). Just because OP didn’t list what she is doing to get more money doesn’t mean she isn’t working hard at it. |
Anonymous
+100000 |
Anonymous
|
1. Get off social media 2. Start a realistic To Do list that will get you on a path to happiness 3. Practice gratitude by focusing on what you do have and all that you have to draw on to bring you closer to your dreams 4. Stop being so hard on yourself. You have the resources and time to transform your life. You may not realize a million dollar home, but you can work yourself into a more comfortable position. Best of luck to you! |
Anonymous
+1. I think it helps to be thankful for what you have now, and take pride in what you have accomplished this far. Perhaps re-assess your priorities. Oftentimes in life we can’t have it all, and certainly not right away or in the order we envisioned it. Decide what’s most important to you right now, and make a plan to achieve that. If you want to be a mother, if you and your husband want to prioritize family, then perhaps move to a lower cost of living/slower pace area. If possible with your career, look for positions that will allow for partial or full-time telework. I’m at the tail end of my PhD program. I’ll be 32 by years end. I always envisioned being married with kids early on, and I was super envious and upset when one of my younger sisters got pregnant a few years ago, by a guy she only knew for a few months by then no less. I wanted to be the first to get married, have kids, etc. I worked through my feelings, and understood that I can only control my life, and what I prioritize in it. I love my niece and nephew now, and couldn’t imagine life without them. Over the last year or two, I’ve come to terms with what I know will make me happy. I’ve decided that I don’t need a husband, and that I really just want a couple of biological children, and to spend the rest of my life foster and adopting. When I graduate, I’m going into a career that naturally lends itself to telework, and I intend to find a position that’s largely or fully remote. Thankfully it’s a career that’ll make good money as well, but all I need is a humble abode to comfortably raise the children. Hopefully a place that’s still close by to my family and friends. As pp said, comparing what you do/don’t have to others really does interfere with personal joy. Be confident in who you are and what you want, and begin implementing changes that will lead you down your path, focusing internally on what will satisfy you, and not on the extrinsic goal posts, real or imagined, of others/letting yourself become negatively influence by that. |
Anonymous
|
What you have is room to grow. Who cares about what you don't have. A million dollar house has a huge price tag and, for a lot of people, that's a burden.
Having kids is a priority, it sounds like, so start trying ASAP. Try to inch yourself up with your career. At least you have a prestigious eduction. I don't. My education is very middle tier. My family was too poor and unknowledgeable about such things. You have'll to get rid of the single household earner idea. That's fine, though. Or, you could move to a lower cost of living area. That might be easier. |
Anonymous
This. I have a million dollar house now because of dumb luck, but my kids were 10 and 7 before we upgraded from a two bedroom two bathroom apartment. It was hard to see others with the kind of houses I wanted for my kids (sometimes it was so frustrating to have kids that age of different genders in the same bedroom), but I made an effort to myself of the good things I had. And I am so glad I didn’t wait to have kids. I hate this phrase but ultimately everything turned out for the best. The comments about all the good things you have are spot on. It’s fine to be bummed about not having the life you envisioned and worked hard for, but don’t stay in that state for long and keep it all in perspective. |
Anonymous
|
OP, you can't have it all right away if you both came from no money, but your kids can. I think it is time for kids now, and living in an apartment is fine. We live in a big building with lots of kids and a pool. Never noticed that our kids are somehow unhappier than the kids in 2+ million dollar houses around us.
I'm surprised you didn't notice that it takes 2 good incomes to buy a house in this region. I would've worked 2 jobs and made my husband work 2 job is that was your dream. It took me 10 years to get a green card, another 10 for citizen ship, 17 years to finish BA and now I'm working on my MA. Have to tell you, you went really fast from 3rd world country to "I want it all". I grew up never really missing anything (life was great- all about doing things, not having things), so nothing much I want, but a roof over my head. |
Anonymous
|
Try writing every day the 3 things you were grateful for that day, small or big.
|