How to deal with painful envy and disappointment in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I must also note that I come from a pretty traditional country and since I wanted to be a mother so bad, I sort of...did not put that much effort into building a career as I naively thought my DH would be making enough to support us. That hasn't really panned out and I am so disappointed and sad and feel stupid.

Yeah...that's on you for not vetting a partner with financial sense and a career that would get you the lifestyle you thought you deserved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try writing every day the 3 things you were grateful for that day, small or big.

+1

I’m an atheist but I think often about the biblical story about many Israelites dying because they refused to look at the serpent on a pole. It just sounded like too easy of a solution. So often we want a magic bullet to take our pain away but we keep suffering, because we refuse to do the little things or we slack off on them. A consistent gratitude practice is magical.

Of course pain and disappointment and are just parts of life and it won’t help to just shove those feelings down. But we need to keep them in perspective. Acknowledge them and their validity and then keep up the gratitude practice. And make an effort to be happy for people when they have good fortune. (Unless they’re jerks. Then just get zen about life not being fair)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I must also note that I come from a pretty traditional country and since I wanted to be a mother so bad, I sort of...did not put that much effort into building a career as I naively thought my DH would be making enough to support us. That hasn't really panned out and I am so disappointed and sad and feel stupid.

Yeah...that's on you for not vetting a partner with financial sense and a career that would get you the lifestyle you thought you deserved.

OP here. DH actually got a raise now and makes 300k+ starting this year. However, my desire to not work has changed and years of being poor has made me risk averse and I want to have my own retirements savings etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this with kindness - if you wait to be in a million dollar home to have a baby, you’re not having a baby. Plenty of babies are born in rental apartments and live happy healthy lives.

Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be people who are better looking, more successful, wealthier, smarter, luckier… you have to stop wishing for their lives and find a way to optimize your own.

This.


I have a million dollar house now because of dumb luck, but my kids were 10 and 7 before we upgraded from a two bedroom two bathroom apartment.

It was hard to see others with the kind of houses I wanted for my kids (sometimes it was so frustrating to have kids that age of different genders in the same bedroom), but I made an effort to myself of the good things I had. And I am so glad I didn’t wait to have kids. I hate this phrase but ultimately everything turned out for the best.

The comments about all the good things you have are spot on. It’s fine to be bummed about not having the life you envisioned and worked hard for, but don’t stay in that state for long and keep it all in perspective.

Same here. We moved from a 2 bed rental to a 3 bed 500k townhouse when my first son was a baby. We moved into the $1 mil house last year when he was 4. For the record, I still love the townhouse and I would have been just as happy there for the long term, but we moved to a different city. I was also 36 when I had my first. Building your life takes time, and OP still has time to make these things happen. But don't put off having a baby because you don't own real estate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I must also note that I come from a pretty traditional country and since I wanted to be a mother so bad, I sort of...did not put that much effort into building a career as I naively thought my DH would be making enough to support us. That hasn't really panned out and I am so disappointed and sad and feel stupid.

Yeah...that's on you for not vetting a partner with financial sense and a career that would get you the lifestyle you thought you deserved.

OP here. DH actually got a raise now and makes 300k+ starting this year. However, my desire to not work has changed and years of being poor has made me risk averse and I want to have my own retirements savings etc.

I was the one super impressed with all you've accomplished but now I'm totally confused. You said your husband couldn't support you until now...but he's in his mid-30s making 300k? Not sure what kind of work he's in where he went from poverty to 300K but either way, if you're still depressed, I would see someone. Because it sounds like you're living the American dream and you don't realize it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I must also note that I come from a pretty traditional country and since I wanted to be a mother so bad, I sort of...did not put that much effort into building a career as I naively thought my DH would be making enough to support us. That hasn't really panned out and I am so disappointed and sad and feel stupid.

Yeah...that's on you for not vetting a partner with financial sense and a career that would get you the lifestyle you thought you deserved.

OP here. DH actually got a raise now and makes 300k+ starting this year. However, my desire to not work has changed and years of being poor has made me risk averse and I want to have my own retirements savings etc.

I was the one super impressed with all you've accomplished but now I'm totally confused. You said your husband couldn't support you until now...but he's in his mid-30s making 300k? Not sure what kind of work he's in where he went from poverty to 300K but either way, if you're still depressed, I would see someone. Because it sounds like you're living the American dream and you don't realize it!

+1000

What are you expecting, to live like Paris Hilton or the Kardashians? Grow up and be grateful. You may have had more challenges than your immediate peers but you are luckier than most in this country... to have what you have right now and are not grateful for. Start looking for houses in your budget range and talk to your husband about conceiving a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I must also note that I come from a pretty traditional country and since I wanted to be a mother so bad, I sort of...did not put that much effort into building a career as I naively thought my DH would be making enough to support us. That hasn't really panned out and I am so disappointed and sad and feel stupid.

Yeah...that's on you for not vetting a partner with financial sense and a career that would get you the lifestyle you thought you deserved.

OP here. DH actually got a raise now and makes 300k+ starting this year. However, my desire to not work has changed and years of being poor has made me risk averse and I want to have my own retirements savings etc.

I was the one super impressed with all you've accomplished but now I'm totally confused. You said your husband couldn't support you until now...but he's in his mid-30s making 300k? Not sure what kind of work he's in where he went from poverty to 300K but either way, if you're still depressed, I would see someone. Because it sounds like you're living the American dream and you don't realize it!

Op here this is a very recent development and happened this year. My husband decided to open his own professional services business. We are thrilled with the income thus far but of course, it means our income will vary.

[Anonymous]

I mean, at least you don’t live in Afghanistan.

[Anonymous]

Have your baby now. Don’t wait.

Other things you may be able to change later on, but not your fertility.

[Anonymous]

I can pretty much guarantee you're never going to be happy. You're DINK with a $300+ HHI.

What happens when you have your newborn and figure out you can't afford a night nanny for a month? Or full-time nanny and the SAH without sacrifices? Or the private school costs too much?

Good luck OP you're going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Lady, you're crazy. I had a child when I was earning $45k a year. I stopped working and went on welfare and food stamps in order to stay home with her the first five years of her life. She is now 18 and I now earn $90k. She never had a nanny, went to public school, and now goes to community college. I rent a tiny one bedroom apartment. My daughter is smart, funny, kind, and has great friends. I would LOVE to be earning six figures.

You need to work on appreciating what you have. There will ALWAYS be people better off than you. And people worse off than you. That's life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re entitled. I don’t understand. Quit feeling that you should have what other people have.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a soul sucking area, and I say that as a 4th gen Washingtonian. You are in an excellent position with no kids to plan your best life.

Move someplace very very cheap. Where a home costs 250,000. There are low or no down payment mortgages out there, like FHA, VHDA, maybe USDA? Then, when you have kids, you wont be overcome with anxiety from the 2500/mo the baby costs, plus keeping up with neighbors and school moms. Start looking at other towns 1 to 3 hours away and start dreaming, planning. .

[Anonymous]

Change your city, job, friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady, you're crazy. I had a child when I was earning $45k a year. I stopped working and went on welfare and food stamps in order to stay home with her the first five years of her life.. She is now 18 and I now earn $90k. She never had a nanny, went to public school, and now goes to community college. I rent a tiny one bedroom apartment. My daughter is smart, funny, kind, and has great friends. I would LOVE to be earning six figures.

You need to work on appreciating what you have. There will ALWAYS be people better off than you. And people worse off than you. That's life.

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