My dad has lots of baggage. Help!

[Anonymous]

Long story short: My dad's brother and dad were killed in a car crash when my dad was 12. His mom, understandably, really never was the same after that and sort of checked out.
My dad met my mom at age 16 and they got married at 21. They were together 50 years until she died in April.

He has been a mess since then and really relying on me to parent him. He asks that I call him when I wake up and when I go to bed. He asks to come over for dinner almost every evening (he does say it's ok if we have plans and seeks out other friends). He sends a lot of texts saying how lonely or nervous he is. He texts me whenever he is about to take a shower (afraid of falling). He is very open about how bad he feels.

I set him up with a therapist whom he likes.

Beyond that, I don't know what to do, but my dad says he needs me and my brother to "take care of him" and make sure he "doesn't feel abandoned."

I want to support him but it's also HUGE pressure. I feel like, if I have plans, he will sit home upset. If I miss a morning call (busy with work, late getting kids out to swimming) he will be nervous and text me.

I need some help here. He lives alone in a big house, where we grew up, and I would like to see about him moving to a retirement village. Is that a reasonable thing to bring up? Any other ideas?

I am also grieving for my mom but feel like I am being the parent.

[Anonymous]

He’s verbalizing his needs and telling you he needs a nursing home, for the company and so he can be supervised. Get him one ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He’s verbalizing his needs and telling you he needs a nursing home, for the company and so he can be supervised. Get him one ASAP.

Hi! He doesn't need a nursing home - he is vital and healthy and 72, works out at a gym. It's more mental...

[Anonymous]

Decide what you think is reasonable, explain what that is, and do that and nothing more. He will manage his own feelings beyond that. It is easier to type than do, but that is the way forward.

A retirement village could work (and be filled with widows!), but you could also try a senior center near him for things like classes, volunteering, etc to keep him busy and have him find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Agree you should look into 55+ retirement communities for long term as well as local senior centers for short term/daily.

Please keep in mind he is grieving, and will be for some time, so this will change eventually once he is focusing his attention elsewhere.

Trust me - a vital, healthy 72 year old man will make friends IMMEDIATELY especially with all the women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He’s verbalizing his needs and telling you he needs a nursing home, for the company and so he can be supervised. Get him one ASAP.

Hi! He doesn't need a nursing home - he is vital and healthy and 72, works out at a gym. It's more mental...

You don’t understand. He’s telling you he needs socialization and physical supervision. He’s not as hearty as you think. Anxiety is the early symptom of dementia. In a few years, you’ll wish you’d placed him in senior living that has a memory unit. Your goal is to find a community where seniors can move progressively from relative independence to complete care.

[Anonymous]

Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

[Anonymous]

What I would suggest:

Get him one of those medical alert pendants, so if he does fall in the shower--or anywhere else--he can get help himself. I don't think it will ever be necessary, but knowing that he can get help may make him feel more secure.

Assuming he has internet access, tell him to check out seniorplanet.org. It's a totally legit organization. Right now it's all via zoom, but in normal times it has inperson stuff too. Ask him to try a few different types of meetings.

Look into other senior organizations available in his neighborhood. Most have a "congregate lunch." Often the food is pretty lousy, to be honest, but the idea is to go and meet other people.

If he's at all religious, encourage him to attend services. Many religious congregations have social groups for seniors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

Do you work for a nursing home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

Do you work for a nursing home?

No, but this what I've seen with the elderly around me. A consultation with a geriatrist is in order. I doubt anxiety meds would do it, but you can always try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

I actually disagree with this. Yes, this is a possibility - but by my math, this man lost his wife of 50 years THREE MONTHS ago. That is still incredibly recent and fresh. It's also right in the timeline when everyone else (friends, neighbors, meal train, "anything I can do to help") has all dried up, you're just left sitting there with your still very fresh grief. I mean, sheesh, it took me considerably longer to get over some breakups in high school! OP, I would try to be there for him as much as you possibly can for the next 3-9 months and see how it goes. Yes, if you need to set limits for your sanity, do it, but after just three months, this is NOT your new normal. Also see what other resources you can bring in - are there neighbors or old friends who can call him once a week to take the pressure off you? Can you and your brother divide and conquer on the phone calls so he hears from one of you each day? As you get closer to a year from your mom's death, you can reevaluate and start thinking about the long term.

Sorry about your mom, and the added stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

I actually disagree with this. Yes, this is a possibility - but by my math, this man lost his wife of 50 years THREE MONTHS ago. That is still incredibly recent and fresh. It's also right in the timeline when everyone else (friends, neighbors, meal train, "anything I can do to help") has all dried up, you're just left sitting there with your still very fresh grief. I mean, sheesh, it took me considerably longer to get over some breakups in high school! OP, I would try to be there for him as much as you possibly can for the next 3-9 months and see how it goes. Yes, if you need to set limits for your sanity, do it, but after just three months, this is NOT your new normal. Also see what other resources you can bring in - are there neighbors or old friends who can call him once a week to take the pressure off you? Can you and your brother divide and conquer on the phone calls so he hears from one of you each day? As you get closer to a year from your mom's death, you can reevaluate and start thinking about the long term.

Sorry about your mom, and the added stress.

PP jumping in to add - I can't believe how many people are advocating a nursing home (!!) and anti-anxiety medication for a healthy 72 year old who is freshly grieving and needs some emotional support. That's all a HUGE overreaction to someone who, by all signs, is just adjusting to a dramatically new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

You sure do have a lot of opinion with very little information.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm especially sorry that you are being dealt a lot of pressure from your dad to handle his grief as well as your own.
I think you should be as open with your feelings as your dad has been with his, in a kind way. Figure out what you can do, erring on the side of doing more, but still within your limits. Then talk to him and tell him that you cannot be his sole support. What are his hobbies or interests, can he join a related group? Is there a senior center nearby? What about taking some classes at the community center or volunteering a few hours a week, if he is in good physical shape. Group grief therapy? He needs to widen his circle beyond you, but he won't unless he has to because it requires moving outside of the comfort zone of his family. This may be why nature plans for men to usually die first. It's difficult, but you have to push him. Think of it in the same way you would treat a child who is too anxious to make new friends but needs to learn the skill. You aren't doing them a favor by being their only support; instead, force them to develop the skills they need. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

I actually disagree with this. Yes, this is a possibility - but by my math, this man lost his wife of 50 years THREE MONTHS ago. That is still incredibly recent and fresh. It's also right in the timeline when everyone else (friends, neighbors, meal train, "anything I can do to help") has all dried up, you're just left sitting there with your still very fresh grief. I mean, sheesh, it took me considerably longer to get over some breakups in high school! OP, I would try to be there for him as much as you possibly can for the next 3-9 months and see how it goes. Yes, if you need to set limits for your sanity, do it, but after just three months, this is NOT your new normal. Also see what other resources you can bring in - are there neighbors or old friends who can call him once a week to take the pressure off you? Can you and your brother divide and conquer on the phone calls so he hears from one of you each day? As you get closer to a year from your mom's death, you can reevaluate and start thinking about the long term.

Sorry about your mom, and the added stress.

PP jumping in to add - I can't believe how many people are advocating a nursing home (!!) and anti-anxiety medication for a healthy 72 year old who is freshly grieving and needs some emotional support. That's all a HUGE overreaction to someone who, by all signs, is just adjusting to a dramatically new normal.

There’s a big difference between a nursing home and a retirement village. If OP steps in to try to fill the void left by his wife he will never learn to cope as a single man. He needs to be somewhere where it is logistically the default to be around others. That is what he is asking OP for. If she is finding it burdensome to call twice a day and have him over for dinner nightly, that is not going to sustain him long-term. He needs to build a community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree you should look into 55+ retirement communities for long term as well as local senior centers for short term/daily.

Please keep in mind he is grieving, and will be for some time, so this will change eventually once he is focusing his attention elsewhere.

Trust me - a vital, healthy 72 year old man will make friends IMMEDIATELY especially with all the women.

+1 He's having a rough time, but should adjust.