My dad has lots of baggage. Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also understand that this is not temporary because of grief. At that age, spousal loss is often the trigger to terminal decline. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and regret, OP, if you start planning for that now.

Actually, a fair number of men like him (recently having lost a spouse from a long and happy marriage) will remarry and often to a close friend of the late wife who is also widowed. I am in the 70s age group and have seen this pattern happen a number of times with men I personally know Of course, it's too soon for him in this case, but it would be good for him to start socializing with his old group of friends, this time as a single man. You might gently encourage him to start doing this because he would be better off spending some of his time with them than trying to use his children to assuage his loneliness. And better for you as well.

[Anonymous]

I think the PP meant Continuing Care Retirement Community rather than nursing home; they gave all levels of care, from Independent Living condos/apartments/cottages to a main facility which houses long-term care. The communities are vibrant and active with tons of activities, there are usually restaurants and a community dining room and those in Independent Living have their own activities tailored to them, and they can even volunteer in the nursing home if they wish.

Many people are able to remain in Independent Living fir the duration but if there are any issues that cause a deterioration in health or cognition, they can move to the next level of care on campus like Assisted Living (and some have rehab on site, or a “sister facility” that they can refer to if need be. I either at a CCRC and would heave no issue retiring in one but they are very expensive, unfortunately.

OP, I wonder if your dad was depending on your mom for help with daily activities more than you realized, or keeping a steady routine that shaped his days, and in the absence of that he is overwhelmed. Do you observe any signs of dementia, or do you think this is purely anxiety-based? I’m asking because sometimes the early signs if dementia include difficulty sequencing steps to once-familiar activities, and difficulty problem-solving.

I would gently broach the topic of a retirement community or look for a senior center in his neighborhood with activities snd programs that he might enjoy. His loss is huge and very fresh, so it’s very likely that things will get better in time.