Be cautious caring for parents in their 60s.

[Anonymous]

I posted on this forum a while back about my father in his 60s becoming agitated and being triggered by the sound of my voice. He grabbed me by the arms and shook me. This sudden movement tore a ligament in my upper spine. Recovering from this injury has been a long road and still is. I spend a lot of time resting and in physical therapy. That is how I started posting on this board. I haven't seen many friends or family since this happened and don't want to explain how I got hurt to people. It's humiliating and embarrassing.

I had experience with elder care in my 20s and 30s. I thought I could help my mother. I thought I knew what I was doing. But I have never dealt with violent episodes of cognitive decline. In fact, I did not even know that my father was experiencing cognitive decline. This was a horrible way to find out.

The ligament in my neck is still inflamed and swollen 6 months later. It still causes pain in my neck and shoulder. I am going to a chiropractor now, having finished with the specialist. I can walk again and lift items again.

When my mother asks for my help again, I will be referring her to in home care providers who are trained in how to manage care for people like my father. If people call me selfish or entitled, I will ignore. I am not putting my safety at risk again, but I am not telling people why except a few close family members and on here.

My mother asked for my help but was not honest about what was going on with my father. She still is hiding what is really going on with him. If she had been respectful and forthcoming, I might not have been hurt. She put his pride and hers ahead of my physical safety.

I could have filed charges. I chose not to. I was under pressure to file charges when I sought care. It was difficult to turn it down. Don't put your adult children in the situation that my parents put me in.

I hope that this post helps someone to think about what they are asking their children to do, or what their parents are asking them to do. I never thought that this could happen to me. I was wrong.

And I will be planning financially so that my children can hire help rather than risking themselves when I have elder care needs. I will sacrifice luxuries now and happy family memories like some vacations so that my own children won't remember me this way.

[Anonymous]

You were very unfortunate - most people don’t face these issues when relatives are in their 60s (if ever). Unless there is some genetic component to your father’s violence, I doubt if your children will face these issues. It is great to provide for yourself financially - this is a wonderful gift to your children, but your experience is not the norm. I have been involved with the care of a number of aging friends and relatives with cognitive decline, but have never faced anything like what you are describing. In addition, the relatives were all in their eighties and nineties when they experienced decline.

Hope your physical and mental wounds heal soon!

[Anonymous]

My parents both have dementia. Just so you know, we have them in 24 seven hour care at home with paid aides from an agency. It costs over 200k a year.


I'm sorry about your chronic pain and hope it gets better. I don't see what filing a claim would have accomplished (I'm a lawyer), so I think that decision was good.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

Pride or shame are often reasons people hide health issues from loved ones. My FIL was diagnosed with dementia, but for a long time MIL did not tell us. When we saw them he seemed fine. DH and DD spent some time with him, just the three of them. Then DD climbed onto something right next to FIL and fell. DH had his back turned b/c FIL was playing with her. Only after the accident did we find out about FIL's diagnosis (she was ok, but it could have turned out much scarier). Why did MIL not disclose this? It wasn't pride. It was shame. Stupid, wrong-headed shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia. Just so you know, we have them in 24 seven hour care at home with paid aides from an agency. It costs over 200k a year.


I'm sorry about your chronic pain and hope it gets better. I don't see what filing a claim would have accomplished (I'm a lawyer), so I think that decision was good.

Dementia care in a facility is also this expensive. That's why families have to plan for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. My FIL recently passed demenand had dementia and a whole host of other things, and he was 62. He was often violent, rude, mean, and threatening. He wasn't this way to his children or grandchildren, but he 100% could have been, had we been around him all the time and been asked to care for him. You are right to protect yourself, and I would be angry, too, at my mother for hiding the gravity of the situation from me. My mother in law could not see or accept my FIL's immense needs until the very end, and it made the situations so much harder than it needed to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia. Just so you know, we have them in 24 seven hour care at home with paid aides from an agency. It costs over 200k a year.


I'm sorry about your chronic pain and hope it gets better. I don't see what filing a claim would have accomplished (I'm a lawyer), so I think that decision was good.

+1. I’m shocked you even considered filing charges against your father knowing he was in cognitive decline.

[Anonymous]

Why tell us your father’s age? Being 60 has nothing to do with his aggressive behavior. It’s the dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. My FIL recently passed demenand had dementia and a whole host of other things, and he was 62. He was often violent, rude, mean, and threatening. He wasn't this way to his children or grandchildren, but he 100% could have been, had we been around him all the time and been asked to care for him. You are right to protect yourself, and I would be angry, too, at my mother for hiding the gravity of the situation from me. My mother in law could not see or accept my FIL's immense needs until the very end, and it made the situations so much harder than it needed to be.

Wow. So young for a dementia diagnosis let alone death. What kind did he have?

[Anonymous]

I remember your original thread and you have my sympathy, OP.

However, the title of your thread is misleading. Most adults in their 60s are in reasonably good health, or if not, don't have violent dementia. Heck, some of your readers are in their 60s and in great shape! Know your audience

But if you mean that parents sometimes decline faster than one thinks and relatives don't always help or tell the truth, then yes, I agree. We are never as prepared as we could be for aging, disease and death. My dear BIL passed away from a brain tumor in his 40s, very suddenly. You can only do your best, OP. If people push you to do more than that, ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. My FIL recently passed demenand had dementia and a whole host of other things, and he was 62. He was often violent, rude, mean, and threatening. He wasn't this way to his children or grandchildren, but he 100% could have been, had we been around him all the time and been asked to care for him. You are right to protect yourself, and I would be angry, too, at my mother for hiding the gravity of the situation from me. My mother in law could not see or accept my FIL's immense needs until the very end, and it made the situations so much harder than it needed to be.

Wow. So young for a dementia diagnosis let alone death. What kind did he have?

DP here. Early onset. The only person I know with early onset was diagnosed in her 50s and passed away in her 60s. She was in a home - it was impossible to care for her at home.
OP's father probably has early onset has well, and his wife is stupidly trying to hide it instead of getting help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. My FIL recently passed demenand had dementia and a whole host of other things, and he was 62. He was often violent, rude, mean, and threatening. He wasn't this way to his children or grandchildren, but he 100% could have been, had we been around him all the time and been asked to care for him. You are right to protect yourself, and I would be angry, too, at my mother for hiding the gravity of the situation from me. My mother in law could not see or accept my FIL's immense needs until the very end, and it made the situations so much harder than it needed to be.

Wow. So young for a dementia diagnosis let alone death. What kind did he have?

DP here. Early onset. The only person I know with early onset was diagnosed in her 50s and passed away in her 60s. She was in a home - it was impossible to care for her at home.
OP's father probably has early onset has well, and his wife is stupidly trying to hide it instead of getting help.

OP’s mom is probably scared to death of him (or what’s become of him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why tell us your father’s age? Being 60 has nothing to do with his aggressive behavior. It’s the dementia.

It does have to do with how strong they are and certain elder care facilities will not take a young dementia patient for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. My FIL recently passed demenand had dementia and a whole host of other things, and he was 62. He was often violent, rude, mean, and threatening. He wasn't this way to his children or grandchildren, but he 100% could have been, had we been around him all the time and been asked to care for him. You are right to protect yourself, and I would be angry, too, at my mother for hiding the gravity of the situation from me. My mother in law could not see or accept my FIL's immense needs until the very end, and it made the situations so much harder than it needed to be.

Think of what the mother is going through. It's an impossible situation for anyone.