Be cautious caring for parents in their 60s.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for what happened to you and think it is very reasonable for you not to provide direct care and for you to insist your mother be honest in acknowledging the details and difficulties of the situation.

I also think that when you discuss this with others, it is important to acknowledge that this is a very unusual situation. Yes, people who exhibit full blown dementia in their 80s and 90s may show subtle signs of that dementia many years earlier, but that does not mean they are violent. It may mean that they no longer can follow the intricacies of a complicated novel’s plot or have difficulty visualizing a city’s geography.

You suffered something very disturbing with your father. I am wondering if you should explore this with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what happened to you and think it is very reasonable for you not to provide direct care and for you to insist your mother be honest in acknowledging the details and difficulties of the situation.

I also think that when you discuss this with others, it is important to acknowledge that this is a very unusual situation. Yes, people who exhibit full blown dementia in their 80s and 90s may show subtle signs of that dementia many years earlier, but that does not mean they are violent. It may mean that they no longer can follow the intricacies of a complicated novel’s plot or have difficulty visualizing a city’s geography.

You suffered something very disturbing with your father. I am wondering if you should explore this with a therapist.

Dementia patients hallucinate, have hearing issues, perceptual problems, and paranoid outbursts.

[Anonymous]

It is very, very uncommon for people in their 60s to have early onset dementia. Not at all a common situation.

Especially today, many, if not most, people in their 60s are active and in good health. I know a lot of people in their 60s and they are mostly all in great health and either still working or involved with volunteer activities.

Most parents in their 60s have no need for any kind of caregiving from their children. If anything, at that age they’re helping to take care of their grandchildren, at least occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The age of OP’s father is irrelevant, but the general point to plan for the future and stay attuned to one’s aging parents is not.

The age is very relevant. Are you suggesting that a violent 60 year old man and 80 year old man are equally dangerous? That's pretty crazy. There is a big different in strength, but also a huge difference in balance. And 80/90 year old's ability to throw a punch or grab violently is really compromised by their compromised sense of balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very, very uncommon for people in their 60s to have early onset dementia. Not at all a common situation.

Especially today, many, if not most, people in their 60s are active and in good health. I know a lot of people in their 60s and they are mostly all in great health and either still working or involved with volunteer activities.

Most parents in their 60s have no need for any kind of caregiving from their children. If anything, at that age they’re helping to take care of their grandchildren, at least occasionally.

Yet the title mentions people in their 60s who need care, not healthy people in their 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
I remember your original thread and you have my sympathy, OP.

However, the title of your thread is misleading. Most adults in their 60s are in reasonably good health, or if not, don't have violent dementia. Heck, some of your readers are in their 60s and in great shape! Know your audience

But if you mean that parents sometimes decline faster than one thinks and relatives don't always help or tell the truth, then yes, I agree. We are never as prepared as we could be for aging, disease and death. My dear BIL passed away from a brain tumor in his 40s, very suddenly. You can only do your best, OP. If people push you to do more than that, ignore.

OP here- I know that most people in their 60s do not have dementia and that not all dementia patients have violent outbursts. I was surprised that this was even a possibility in one's 60s and my mother hid the situation from me. I have sense learned that this is not uncommon and that many patients with cognitive decline have moderate symptoms in their 60s. I did not know that before this happened. That is why I posted this thread.

OP, I am quite shocked that your father had such immediate brute strength to shake you with such force to tear a ligament so badly you have not been able to walk or lift anything for six months. How horrifying.

You said you have learned that this kind of treatment from someone in their 60s is not uncommon. Can you please cite where you got that information? Where are the stats that people in their 60s are already going through such cognitive decline they may be able to resort to violence. Enlightening us to the facts will only make all of us all more aware, and will prevent countless cases of severe injury such as you experienced.

Just conversations with doctors. Nothing published. It’s a misconception that dementia only appears in the 80s or 90s.

Oh. Because the studies I've happened to read state that less than 6% of people in their 60s exhibit EARLY signs of dementia, and certainly are not so uninhibited they are having violent outbursts which results in a person suffering from a six-month long disability.

So only 600,000-1M in the US currently.

And more than 1M parents are abused by an adult child, every year. Daughters are more apt to use psychological and physical violence.

Then adult daughters should not be around their fathers at all. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The age of OP’s father is irrelevant, but the general point to plan for the future and stay attuned to one’s aging parents is not.

The age is very relevant. Are you suggesting that a violent 60 year old man and 80 year old man are equally dangerous? That's pretty crazy. There is a big different in strength, but also a huge difference in balance. And 80/90 year old's ability to throw a punch or grab violently is really compromised by their compromised sense of balance.

No, of course not. I just meant that people were urged by OP’s thread title, which specifically mentioned parents in their 60s, when in reality it’s quite uncommon for people in their 60s to need caregiving. The fact that her parent has dementia is more relevant than his age.

[Anonymous]

People were *irked*, not urged ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The age of OP’s father is irrelevant, but the general point to plan for the future and stay attuned to one’s aging parents is not.

The age is very relevant. Are you suggesting that a violent 60 year old man and 80 year old man are equally dangerous? That's pretty crazy. There is a big different in strength, but also a huge difference in balance. And 80/90 year old's ability to throw a punch or grab violently is really compromised by their compromised sense of balance.

No, of course not. I just meant that people were urged by OP’s thread title, which specifically mentioned parents in their 60s, when in reality it’s quite uncommon for people in their 60s to need caregiving. The fact that her parent has dementia is more relevant than his age.

But yeah, I get your point. OP wouldn’t necessarily have this issue if her father were older and more frail.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I ended up at my parents house because my mother asked for my help and I responded. She did not tell me why she needed help or that my dad’s had these symptoms. If she had, I would have not been as immediately responsive and would have researched resources that can help instead. The cries of abandonment are going to fall on deaf ears now, but I could have skipped all of this misery if my mother had just been honest and forthcoming about what was going on.

There are research articles that show that mild dementia starts to show up in the mid-40s. Obviously not every person in their mid-40s has dementia.

I have a higher likelihood of developing dementia because my father has it. His mother died at 62. I don’t know why. Not everyone can live to 100 healthfully. We all hope to but it’s not something to assume as I did.

I don’t have degenerative spinal conditions, so I am recovering slowly. I still have days with pain and days without. Many people my age do have spinal degradation and don’t realize it. I’ve had X-rays and five physical exams from this incident so that’s why I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The age of OP’s father is irrelevant, but the general point to plan for the future and stay attuned to one’s aging parents is not.

The age is very relevant. Are you suggesting that a violent 60 year old man and 80 year old man are equally dangerous? That's pretty crazy. There is a big different in strength, but also a huge difference in balance. And 80/90 year old's ability to throw a punch or grab violently is really compromised by their compromised sense of balance.

No, of course not. I just meant that people were urged by OP’s thread title, which specifically mentioned parents in their 60s, when in reality it’s quite uncommon for people in their 60s to need caregiving. The fact that her parent has dementia is more relevant than his age.

Except parents with dementia who are 60 are harder to care for, harder to control and will have dementia for longer. Also you are more likely to gave kids to care for as well.

I know 2 people in their 50’s who died of FTD. Frontal Temporal Dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia. Just so you know, we have them in 24 seven hour care at home with paid aides from an agency. It costs over 200k a year.


I'm sorry about your chronic pain and hope it gets better. I don't see what filing a claim would have accomplished (I'm a lawyer), so I think that decision was good.

+1. I’m shocked you even considered filing charges against your father knowing he was in cognitive decline.

OP here- I meant to respond to this one.

For those who didn't read my earlier threads, I went to an urgent care, a sports medicine doctor, and now a third doctor for care for my spinal injury. I had to explain how I got the injury, and my records follow me from one doc to another. At the urgent care, this triggered mandatory reporting for the healthcare facility. I had to seek an exemption for the urgent care employees from the hospital administrators that oversaw the urgent care in order to prevent the urgent care employees from filing a mandatory report.

Once I was in care, I found that I could get around this requirement by explaining first that my father had dementia when he did this to me. Because my mother lied and didn't tell me, at first this was treated as a domestic violence situation.

All things that I did not know prior to being in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia. Just so you know, we have them in 24 seven hour care at home with paid aides from an agency. It costs over 200k a year.


I'm sorry about your chronic pain and hope it gets better. I don't see what filing a claim would have accomplished (I'm a lawyer), so I think that decision was good.

+1. I’m shocked you even considered filing charges against your father knowing he was in cognitive decline.

OP here- I meant to respond to this one.

For those who didn't read my earlier threads, I went to an urgent care, a sports medicine doctor, and now a third doctor for care for my spinal injury. I had to explain how I got the injury, and my records follow me from one doc to another. At the urgent care, this triggered mandatory reporting for the healthcare facility. I had to seek an exemption for the urgent care employees from the hospital administrators that oversaw the urgent care in order to prevent the urgent care employees from filing a mandatory report.

Once I was in care, I found that I could get around this requirement by explaining first that my father had dementia when he did this to me. Because my mother lied and didn't tell me, at first this was treated as a domestic violence situation.

All things that I did not know prior to being in this situation.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"

OP the more you explain the more unbelievable this whole situation is. You increasingly sound like a delicate, drama queen OR have your own cognitive issues going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents both have dementia. Just so you know, we have them in 24 seven hour care at home with paid aides from an agency. It costs over 200k a year.


I'm sorry about your chronic pain and hope it gets better. I don't see what filing a claim would have accomplished (I'm a lawyer), so I think that decision was good.

+1. I’m shocked you even considered filing charges against your father knowing he was in cognitive decline.

OP here- I meant to respond to this one.

For those who didn't read my earlier threads, I went to an urgent care, a sports medicine doctor, and now a third doctor for care for my spinal injury. I had to explain how I got the injury, and my records follow me from one doc to another. At the urgent care, this triggered mandatory reporting for the healthcare facility. I had to seek an exemption for the urgent care employees from the hospital administrators that oversaw the urgent care in order to prevent the urgent care employees from filing a mandatory report.

Once I was in care, I found that I could get around this requirement by explaining first that my father had dementia when he did this to me. Because my mother lied and didn't tell me, at first this was treated as a domestic violence situation.

All things that I did not know prior to being in this situation.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"

OP the more you explain the more unbelievable this whole situation is. You increasingly sound like a delicate, drama queen OR have your own cognitive issues going on.

You sound like you struggle with reading comprehension. Perhaps seek a tutor.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I am not posting my x rays here to prove I have a spinal injury, PP. Nice smear attempt.