Think Twice Before Sending Your Kid To An Elite School

[Anonymous]

Some kids really just think that getting into an elite college is the end-all-be-all and immediately stop trying once they get there. In some ways, I feel like going to a lower-ranked school lights a fire in your belly in a "yeah, I'll show those AOs they were wrong!"

I made a post earlier on this forum about my kid at a T5 school not doing very well in his classes or getting involved in extracurriculars and research because he stopped hitting the gas pedal once he got to college. He just received his last rejection from the dozens of summer internships he applied to and it looks like he'll have to work a retail or camp counselor job this summer. He feels like he just can skate by with his prestigious undergrad and when DH and I ask him about his plans for the future or what in the world he wants to do after graduation, he just shrugs and goes "I don't know." When we tell him our financial support for him will end after graduation, he still can't come up with an answer for what he plans on doing after he leaves school. Super disappointing.

Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it. And make sure your kid is organized and motivated enough to take advantage of all their school has to offer. Ours got a lot lazier after coming to his elite college and it's been a pretty big embarrassment ever since.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’ve been posting several threads already. What can DCUM readers do to help you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids really just think that getting into an elite college is the end-all-be-all and immediately stop trying once they get there. In some ways, I feel like going to a lower-ranked school lights a fire in your belly in a "yeah, I'll show those AOs they were wrong!"

I made a post earlier on this forum about my kid at a T5 school not doing very well in his classes or getting involved in extracurriculars and research because he stopped hitting the gas pedal once he got to college. He just received his last rejection from the dozens of summer internships he applied to and it looks like he'll have to work a retail or camp counselor job this summer. He feels like he just can skate by with his prestigious undergrad and when DH and I ask him about his plans for the future or what in the world he wants to do after graduation, he just shrugs and goes "I don't know." When we tell him our financial support for him will end after graduation, he still can't come up with an answer for what he plans on doing after he leaves school. Super disappointing.

Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it. And make sure your kid is organized and motivated enough to take advantage of all their school has to offer. Ours got a lot lazier after coming to his elite college and it's been a pretty big embarrassment ever since.

Did he go to a top high school and walk in with the skill set necessary to be competitive? It is very hard to compete with kids who have had the first two years of college in high school and are used to the teaching methods (had teachers from the T5 teach the same class in high school). If you do not have those skills you will get bad grades and not catch up for several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you’ve been posting several threads already. What can DCUM readers do to help you?

If anyone else has a kid in the same situation, how did you motivate them? How did you get them to work as hard as they did in high school? Or is it hopeless? Just want to see if others have been in the same situation and if it got better or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids really just think that getting into an elite college is the end-all-be-all and immediately stop trying once they get there. In some ways, I feel like going to a lower-ranked school lights a fire in your belly in a "yeah, I'll show those AOs they were wrong!"

I made a post earlier on this forum about my kid at a T5 school not doing very well in his classes or getting involved in extracurriculars and research because he stopped hitting the gas pedal once he got to college. He just received his last rejection from the dozens of summer internships he applied to and it looks like he'll have to work a retail or camp counselor job this summer. He feels like he just can skate by with his prestigious undergrad and when DH and I ask him about his plans for the future or what in the world he wants to do after graduation, he just shrugs and goes "I don't know." When we tell him our financial support for him will end after graduation, he still can't come up with an answer for what he plans on doing after he leaves school. Super disappointing.

Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it. And make sure your kid is organized and motivated enough to take advantage of all their school has to offer. Ours got a lot lazier after coming to his elite college and it's been a pretty big embarrassment ever since.

Did he go to a top high school and walk in with the skill set necessary to be competitive? It is very hard to compete with kids who have had the first two years of college in high school and are used to the teaching methods (had teachers from the T5 teach the same class in high school). If you do not have those skills you will get bad grades and not catch up for several years.

It's absurd the number of people on this website thinking if you didn't go to a Big 3/5, your first two years of college are doomed. BS if you ask me. But he went to a very competitive public school in an area particularly known for competition (not the DMV).

[Anonymous]

They are not a dog that you train.

Ask your child this question.

In a loving, open manner, ask him why he thinks he is not doing as well as he did in college.

Remember, this is all supposed to be about him, not you.

[Anonymous]

*in high school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are not a dog that you train.

Ask your child this question.

In a loving, open manner, ask him why he thinks he is not doing as well as he did in college.

Remember, this is all supposed to be about him, not you.

We have multiple times and every time he just gives us a (frustrating) shrug and an apathetic "I dunno."

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's feeling burned out? These kids are under intense pressure to get into top schools from the time they are kindergarten. Every year it's push push push harder. No time to enjoy just being a kid. ALso no time to explore what you want to do in life because everything must be geared toward college applications. Maybe he just wants to be young and enjoy life for now, now that he's got the golden ring you wanted him to have?

[Anonymous]

Ah, welcome back, Disappointed. Your son is probably depressed because his parent keeps asking for answers instead of helping him expand his horizons. I had such a parent. I was expected to be shut-in, work all the time, but also know exactly what I wanted to do in great detail, and get all kinds of opportunities without networking or talking to anyone.

If you are determined to hinder and not help this young man of yours, why don't you connect him with someone who can, a relative or friend. Someone who can ask what academic topics he prefers, what skills he's honed, and talk to him about all kinds of careers pertaining to those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids really just think that getting into an elite college is the end-all-be-all and immediately stop trying once they get there. In some ways, I feel like going to a lower-ranked school lights a fire in your belly in a "yeah, I'll show those AOs they were wrong!"

I made a post earlier on this forum about my kid at a T5 school not doing very well in his classes or getting involved in extracurriculars and research because he stopped hitting the gas pedal once he got to college. He just received his last rejection from the dozens of summer internships he applied to and it looks like he'll have to work a retail or camp counselor job this summer. He feels like he just can skate by with his prestigious undergrad and when DH and I ask him about his plans for the future or what in the world he wants to do after graduation, he just shrugs and goes "I don't know." When we tell him our financial support for him will end after graduation, he still can't come up with an answer for what he plans on doing after he leaves school. Super disappointing.

Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it. And make sure your kid is organized and motivated enough to take advantage of all their school has to offer. Ours got a lot lazier after coming to his elite college and it's been a pretty big embarrassment ever since.

This rings quite false. It sounds like a contrived narrative written by someone still harboring some serious resentment over the fact that they or their kids didn't attend an "elite school."

Pro tip - the parents whose kids attend a "T5 school" (Stanford, HYP, MIT) generally don't take to web sites to proclaim how their kids are turning out to be "pretty big embarassment(s)."

[Anonymous]

This poster is a troll. Her earlier post about how disappointed she was in her son was deleted by Jeff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, welcome back, Disappointed. Your son is probably depressed because his parent keeps asking for answers instead of helping him expand his horizons. I had such a parent. I was expected to be shut-in, work all the time, but also know exactly what I wanted to do in great detail, and get all kinds of opportunities without networking or talking to anyone.

If you are determined to hinder and not help this young man of yours, why don't you connect him with someone who can, a relative or friend. Someone who can ask what academic topics he prefers, what skills he's honed, and talk to him about all kinds of careers pertaining to those.

+1000 Your child needs guidance from someone who is not you. I'm sorry that you gave up your home for your child's Ivy education. Was this his dream or yours? Would he benefit from some time off? (as a gift, not a punishment!!!)

Please find a good friend or, even better, a professional career counselor.

You also might need a family therapist at this point.

Honestly, I think your son just has too much pressure on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids really just think that getting into an elite college is the end-all-be-all and immediately stop trying once they get there. In some ways, I feel like going to a lower-ranked school lights a fire in your belly in a "yeah, I'll show those AOs they were wrong!"

I made a post earlier on this forum about my kid at a T5 school not doing very well in his classes or getting involved in extracurriculars and research because he stopped hitting the gas pedal once he got to college. He just received his last rejection from the dozens of summer internships he applied to and it looks like he'll have to work a retail or camp counselor job this summer. He feels like he just can skate by with his prestigious undergrad and when DH and I ask him about his plans for the future or what in the world he wants to do after graduation, he just shrugs and goes "I don't know." When we tell him our financial support for him will end after graduation, he still can't come up with an answer for what he plans on doing after he leaves school. Super disappointing.

Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it. And make sure your kid is organized and motivated enough to take advantage of all their school has to offer. Ours got a lot lazier after coming to his elite college and it's been a pretty big embarrassment ever since.

1) Who in their right mind would do this?

2) We get it OP. Your kid is at an elite college and all you get is DCUM and a chance to wear the t-shirt.

3) Sounds like your son has other issues that go along with being spoiled. But don't worry - he'll figure it out from your basement by the time he's 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it.

Sorry, OP, I don't think most people on here (or anywhere!) would have suggested this level of sacrifice to pay for a particular school. If nothing else, it's clearly not good for your relationship with him! I know you want to blame the elite school, but I'm not sure that's the problem here.