Think Twice Before Sending Your Kid To An Elite School

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Assuming your narrative is true, you should give your child a lot more space. He clearly understands that you are disappointed in him, wish he was a STEM major, and hoped he would make millions at a tech, finance, or consulting company. However, he’s not interested in that outcome. OP, what would you do if you knew that your ideas, hopes, and ambitions were deemed worthless by your parents? For many kids, they quit sharing. Who needs constant negativity? And, he likely doesn’t have all the answers for his ultimate direction, which makes it difficult for him to cogently argue his case. He may be failing at labs and RA roles not only because he hates it, but also because he wants to convince you that it’s not worth trying to push him into a STEM major. Just pay the bills, relate to him as a human being, quit asking him about his plans, and chill out. Your son is not a high-tech stock: quit trying to calculate the near-term ROI!!!!

You know, if I were a Big 3 parent who had a trust fund for my DS, this would be okay. But he's on his own after graduation, and we want to make sure that his first job isn't making $30k a year at some nonprofit barely scrapping by without any room for moving up. Which, I might add, is how the majority of Ivy grads in his situation end up. He could've done that for free from our state school.

Why not? Those jobs have value, both in themselves and as a learning experience for him. $30k is very minimal. He will figure that out much faster if he experiences it. And he's graduated, so it's time for you to let him rise or fail on his own merit and his own decisionmaking.

My friend went to Wharton undergrad - very prestigious. Came out and went to one of those $30k nonprofit jobs. 15 years on she's marketing director at a large, well-known nonprofit that serves children. She'll probably never make more than $90k if she's lucky, but she is passionate about her job, and she is able to live in a low cost of living area where the money goes farther than it does here. She's happy.

But she can just marry rich. DS doesn't have that option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Assuming your narrative is true, you should give your child a lot more space. He clearly understands that you are disappointed in him, wish he was a STEM major, and hoped he would make millions at a tech, finance, or consulting company. However, he’s not interested in that outcome. OP, what would you do if you knew that your ideas, hopes, and ambitions were deemed worthless by your parents? For many kids, they quit sharing. Who needs constant negativity? And, he likely doesn’t have all the answers for his ultimate direction, which makes it difficult for him to cogently argue his case. He may be failing at labs and RA roles not only because he hates it, but also because he wants to convince you that it’s not worth trying to push him into a STEM major. Just pay the bills, relate to him as a human being, quit asking him about his plans, and chill out. Your son is not a high-tech stock: quit trying to calculate the near-term ROI!!!!

You know, if I were a Big 3 parent who had a trust fund for my DS, this would be okay. But he's on his own after graduation, and we want to make sure that his first job isn't making $30k a year at some nonprofit barely scrapping by without any room for moving up. Which, I might add, is how the majority of Ivy grads in his situation end up. He could've done that for free from our state school.

Why not? Those jobs have value, both in themselves and as a learning experience for him. $30k is very minimal. He will figure that out much faster if he experiences it. And he's graduated, so it's time for you to let him rise or fail on his own merit and his own decisionmaking.

My friend went to Wharton undergrad - very prestigious. Came out and went to one of those $30k nonprofit jobs. 15 years on she's marketing director at a large, well-known nonprofit that serves children. She'll probably never make more than $90k if she's lucky, but she is passionate about her job, and she is able to live in a low cost of living area where the money goes farther than it does here. She's happy.

But she can just marry rich. DS doesn't have that option.

OP, you don’t need DCUM - you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Assuming your narrative is true, you should give your child a lot more space. He clearly understands that you are disappointed in him, wish he was a STEM major, and hoped he would make millions at a tech, finance, or consulting company. However, he’s not interested in that outcome. OP, what would you do if you knew that your ideas, hopes, and ambitions were deemed worthless by your parents? For many kids, they quit sharing. Who needs constant negativity? And, he likely doesn’t have all the answers for his ultimate direction, which makes it difficult for him to cogently argue his case. He may be failing at labs and RA roles not only because he hates it, but also because he wants to convince you that it’s not worth trying to push him into a STEM major. Just pay the bills, relate to him as a human being, quit asking him about his plans, and chill out. Your son is not a high-tech stock: quit trying to calculate the near-term ROI!!!!

You know, if I were a Big 3 parent who had a trust fund for my DS, this would be okay. But he's on his own after graduation, and we want to make sure that his first job isn't making $30k a year at some nonprofit barely scrapping by without any room for moving up. Which, I might add, is how the majority of Ivy grads in his situation end up. He could've done that for free from our state school.

Why not? Those jobs have value, both in themselves and as a learning experience for him. $30k is very minimal. He will figure that out much faster if he experiences it. And he's graduated, so it's time for you to let him rise or fail on his own merit and his own decisionmaking.

My friend went to Wharton undergrad - very prestigious. Came out and went to one of those $30k nonprofit jobs. 15 years on she's marketing director at a large, well-known nonprofit that serves children. She'll probably never make more than $90k if she's lucky, but she is passionate about her job, and she is able to live in a low cost of living area where the money goes farther than it does here. She's happy.

But she can just marry rich. DS doesn't have that option.

OP, you don’t need DCUM - you need therapy.

I wouldn't be happy if I spent $200k for Wharton and my daughter was making less than $90k/year in her thirties either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Assuming your narrative is true, you should give your child a lot more space. He clearly understands that you are disappointed in him, wish he was a STEM major, and hoped he would make millions at a tech, finance, or consulting company. However, he’s not interested in that outcome. OP, what would you do if you knew that your ideas, hopes, and ambitions were deemed worthless by your parents? For many kids, they quit sharing. Who needs constant negativity? And, he likely doesn’t have all the answers for his ultimate direction, which makes it difficult for him to cogently argue his case. He may be failing at labs and RA roles not only because he hates it, but also because he wants to convince you that it’s not worth trying to push him into a STEM major. Just pay the bills, relate to him as a human being, quit asking him about his plans, and chill out. Your son is not a high-tech stock: quit trying to calculate the near-term ROI!!!!

You know, if I were a Big 3 parent who had a trust fund for my DS, this would be okay. But he's on his own after graduation, and we want to make sure that his first job isn't making $30k a year at some nonprofit barely scrapping by without any room for moving up. Which, I might add, is how the majority of Ivy grads in his situation end up. He could've done that for free from our state school.

Why not? Those jobs have value, both in themselves and as a learning experience for him. $30k is very minimal. He will figure that out much faster if he experiences it. And he's graduated, so it's time for you to let him rise or fail on his own merit and his own decisionmaking.

My friend went to Wharton undergrad - very prestigious. Came out and went to one of those $30k nonprofit jobs. 15 years on she's marketing director at a large, well-known nonprofit that serves children. She'll probably never make more than $90k if she's lucky, but she is passionate about her job, and she is able to live in a low cost of living area where the money goes farther than it does here. She's happy.

But she can just marry rich. DS doesn't have that option.

OP, you don’t need DCUM - you need therapy.

I wouldn't be happy if I spent $200k for Wharton and my daughter was making less than $90k/year in her thirties either.

Even though she is working for a non-profit that helps children?

Who are you people?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP: Assuming your narrative is true, you should give your child a lot more space. He clearly understands that you are disappointed in him, wish he was a STEM major, and hoped he would make millions at a tech, finance, or consulting company. However, he’s not interested in that outcome. OP, what would you do if you knew that your ideas, hopes, and ambitions were deemed worthless by your parents? For many kids, they quit sharing. Who needs constant negativity? And, he likely doesn’t have all the answers for his ultimate direction, which makes it difficult for him to cogently argue his case. He may be failing at labs and RA roles not only because he hates it, but also because he wants to convince you that it’s not worth trying to push him into a STEM major. [b]Just pay the bills, relate to him as a human being, quit asking him about his plans, and chill out.[/b] Your son is not a high-tech stock: quit trying to calculate the near-term ROI!!!![/quote]

You know, if I were a Big 3 parent who had a trust fund for my DS, this would be okay. But he's on his own after graduation, and we want to make sure that his first job isn't making $30k a year at some nonprofit barely scrapping by without any room for moving up. Which, I might add, is how the majority of Ivy grads in his situation end up. He could've done that for free from our state school. [/quote]

Why not? Those jobs have value, both in themselves and as a learning experience for him. $30k is very minimal. He will figure that out much faster if he experiences it. And he's graduated, so it's time for you to let him rise or fail on his own merit and his own decisionmaking.

My friend went to Wharton undergrad - very prestigious. Came out and went to one of those $30k nonprofit jobs. 15 years on she's marketing director at a large, well-known nonprofit that serves children. She'll probably never make more than $90k if she's lucky, but she is passionate about her job, and she is able to live in a low cost of living area where the money goes farther than it does here. She's happy.[/quote]

But she can just marry rich. DS doesn't have that option. [/quote]

OP, you don’t need DCUM - you need therapy. [/quote]

I wouldn't be happy if I spent $200k for Wharton and my daughter was making less than $90k/year in her thirties either. [/quote]

Even though she is working for a non-profit that helps children?

Who are you people?[/quote]

Truly rich people seek more fulfilling, less soul-sucking, careers.

[Anonymous]

NP here, I've seen several Ivy students get complacent thinking getting into an elite school will set them for life. Teach your kids that they must work hard for the rest of their lives. Doesn't stop at college.

[Anonymous]

This was kind of me in college. There were a lot of academic expectations in my house growing up, and while I didn’t go to an Ivy, I went to a competitive university and was kind of burnt out by the time I got there. I did well, but mostly because I majored in an area I loved, and because I was very well prepared from a private hs. I got fine internships and do decently well as a young 30s adult now, but I definitely skated by in college after spending so much time on academics and extracurriculars in HS.

Be kind to your children. They are under a lot of pressure. Encourage them to pursue extracurriculars they are passionate about. I randomly hopped on the college board and was shocked to see how insanely competitive admissions have become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Assuming your narrative is true, you should give your child a lot more space. He clearly understands that you are disappointed in him, wish he was a STEM major, and hoped he would make millions at a tech, finance, or consulting company. However, he’s not interested in that outcome. OP, what would you do if you knew that your ideas, hopes, and ambitions were deemed worthless by your parents? For many kids, they quit sharing. Who needs constant negativity? And, he likely doesn’t have all the answers for his ultimate direction, which makes it difficult for him to cogently argue his case. He may be failing at labs and RA roles not only because he hates it, but also because he wants to convince you that it’s not worth trying to push him into a STEM major. Just pay the bills, relate to him as a human being, quit asking him about his plans, and chill out. Your son is not a high-tech stock: quit trying to calculate the near-term ROI!!!!

You know, if I were a Big 3 parent who had a trust fund for my DS, this would be okay. But he's on his own after graduation, and we want to make sure that his first job isn't making $30k a year at some nonprofit barely scrapping by without any room for moving up. Which, I might add, is how the majority of Ivy grads in his situation end up. He could've done that for free from our state school.

Why not? Those jobs have value, both in themselves and as a learning experience for him. $30k is very minimal. He will figure that out much faster if he experiences it. And he's graduated, so it's time for you to let him rise or fail on his own merit and his own decisionmaking.

My friend went to Wharton undergrad - very prestigious. Came out and went to one of those $30k nonprofit jobs. 15 years on she's marketing director at a large, well-known nonprofit that serves children. She'll probably never make more than $90k if she's lucky, but she is passionate about her job, and she is able to live in a low cost of living area where the money goes farther than it does here. She's happy.

But she can just marry rich. DS doesn't have that option.

OP, you don’t need DCUM - you need therapy.

I wouldn't be happy if I spent $200k for Wharton and my daughter was making less than $90k/year in her thirties either.

Even though she is working for a non-profit that helps children?

Who are you people?

I don’t know what is wrong with these people either. I paid for my own ivy undergrad and grad school, and I am happy with the investment, even though I work in the nonprofit sector for under $100k.

[Anonymous]

this person is a troll. they say their kid didn't go to high school here but toss around "big 3." don't take the bait.

[Anonymous]

If you are real OP quit making your kid be your oath to fulfillment. It’s hard enough to be 20 without your parents laying on the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids really just think that getting into an elite college is the end-all-be-all and immediately stop trying once they get there. In some ways, I feel like going to a lower-ranked school lights a fire in your belly in a "yeah, I'll show those AOs they were wrong!"

I made a post earlier on this forum about my kid at a T5 school not doing very well in his classes or getting involved in extracurriculars and research because he stopped hitting the gas pedal once he got to college. He just received his last rejection from the dozens of summer internships he applied to and it looks like he'll have to work a retail or camp counselor job this summer. He feels like he just can skate by with his prestigious undergrad and when DH and I ask him about his plans for the future or what in the world he wants to do after graduation, he just shrugs and goes "I don't know." When we tell him our financial support for him will end after graduation, he still can't come up with an answer for what he plans on doing after he leaves school. Super disappointing.

Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it. And make sure your kid is organized and motivated enough to take advantage of all their school has to offer. Ours got a lot lazier after coming to his elite college and it's been a pretty big embarrassment ever since.

No one cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here, I've seen several Ivy students get complacent thinking getting into an elite school will set them for life. Teach your kids that they must work hard for the rest of their lives. Doesn't stop at college.

+1

Work ethic > undergrad prestige in the long run

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids really just think that getting into an elite college is the end-all-be-all and immediately stop trying once they get there. In some ways, I feel like going to a lower-ranked school lights a fire in your belly in a "yeah, I'll show those AOs they were wrong!"

I made a post earlier on this forum about my kid at a T5 school not doing very well in his classes or getting involved in extracurriculars and research because he stopped hitting the gas pedal once he got to college. He just received his last rejection from the dozens of summer internships he applied to and it looks like he'll have to work a retail or camp counselor job this summer. He feels like he just can skate by with his prestigious undergrad and when DH and I ask him about his plans for the future or what in the world he wants to do after graduation, he just shrugs and goes "I don't know." When we tell him our financial support for him will end after graduation, he still can't come up with an answer for what he plans on doing after he leaves school. Super disappointing.

Moral of the story: If you're full pay at an Ivy but making huge financial sacrifices to pay for it like us (DH and I moved halfway across the country to a much lower COL area where we rent a crappy two-bedroom apartment while renting our house back in our old state for extra money), it's probably not worth it. And make sure your kid is organized and motivated enough to take advantage of all their school has to offer. Ours got a lot lazier after coming to his elite college and it's been a pretty big embarrassment ever since.

No one cares.

No idiot would rent their primary residence to rent a roach motel because of the effect on FA. Obviously, you are not full pay caliber. No idiot would turn their primary residence to an income producing investment property that goes against FA. You don't have an Ivy kid. You sound more like a CC material.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are dealing with the same thing (except our kid's GPA is more like a 3.0). Hugs to you, hopefully they'll get it sorted out. We've also thought about having our kid transfer to a state school so they'll be closer to us and tuition will be a lot cheaper. Is that an option for you?

[Anonymous]

First, this seems to be a troll post. OP continues to stir the pot. Don’t fall for OP’s reaction-inducing statements.

Second, posters here have already provided all the constructive advice they can. This student is an adult now and can and should make his own decisions.

Third, we’ve seen OP’s perspective about the risks of spending $$ on an elite school. Thank you OP, we have been warned.

Mic drop and thread closed.