Tell me about divorcing with children under 10

[Anonymous]

I'm at my wit's end. I can't do this for 30, 40 more years. I'm done.

How bad is it with small kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at my wit's end. I can't do this for 30, 40 more years. I'm done.

How bad is it with small kids?

following

[Anonymous]

When the kids are very small it is the most testing time in a relationship. Getting through it is worth trying.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to try but the passive aggressiveness, the cutting remarks, the refusal apologize (ever!), the refusal to do anything that doesn't suit him and his likes and needs... I do not want to live this way. I think even the kids sense his coldness towards me. Hot cold hot cold... all, day, long. A nice pleasant morning, then, oops, it doesn't suit him, something doesn't match his interests so I'm horrible because he's inflexible and his needs are first. And I know every man on earth isn't just like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to try but the passive aggressiveness, the cutting remarks, the refusal apologize (ever!), the refusal to do anything that doesn't suit him and his likes and needs... I do not want to live this way. I think even the kids sense his coldness towards me. Hot cold hot cold... all, day, long. A nice pleasant morning, then, oops, it doesn't suit him, something doesn't match his interests so I'm horrible because he's inflexible and his needs are first. And I know every man on earth isn't just like this.

I have a younger child and my DH is similar to this. He thinks what he wants is the way things have to be and he makes cutting remarks all the time and acts like they are just factual. My child is the only reason I am still with him. So I will be following this thread too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When the kids are very small it is the most testing time in a relationship. Getting through it is worth trying.

Not OP. I used to think that in general but it was not working ever. Now I regret not leaving sooner. I wasted too many years. The “little kids is hard” was bad for me because it made me stay.

I am divorced. Younger than 10 is better in my opinion. Younger than 5 is even better.

[Anonymous]

in my experience it is very very hard on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:in my experience it is very very hard on the kids.

There are worse things. My childhood was awful...and my parents were married in a very very bad dysfunctional marriage. My kids are way better off even with a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Did it when my baby was 6 months.

Much easier than taking care of a grown man. I can't imagine being a single mom of more than one though- that would be so hard.

I honestly think it depends on a few things: HOW you divorce (ours was very straight-forward, easy-peasy, no one out to get each other); if and who are working.

If you're avoiding divorce due to lifestyle change, forget the material stuff and think about your child's well-being. I can promise you that they don't care about STUFF. They will see the one parent resenting the other, even if you are silent. They care about a stable home, and two parents that can show them how a healthy relationship works. If you're avoiding divorce because it's "for the kids," you're kidding yourself, and most ppl know it but won't admit it.

I was quite embarrassed and scared when it happened, only bc my daughter was just six months- but now she won't have to go through the trauma of us fighting, telling her we are getting divorced.

I disagree that divorce is hard on the kids... depends on HOW you divorce. Relationships sometimes don't work. Relationships sometimes aren't healthy, and I would have NEVER ever wanted my daughter to succumb to what my ex did and think it was acceptable. My sister and I were literally begging for my mom to leave my dad, at the end, we were so miserable. Now that I'm a mom, it absolutely breaks my heart imagining my daughter begging me to leave their dad.

My ex and I are amicable enough that we show her and explain to her that we just have a different relationship than what we used to. We can absolutely still be in the same room together (though, it is better if there are others around).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did it when my baby was 6 months.

Much easier than taking care of a grown man. I can't imagine being a single mom of more than one though- that would be so hard.

I honestly think it depends on a few things: HOW you divorce (ours was very straight-forward, easy-peasy, no one out to get each other); if and who are working.

If you're avoiding divorce due to lifestyle change, forget the material stuff and think about your child's well-being. I can promise you that they don't care about STUFF. They will see the one parent resenting the other, even if you are silent. They care about a stable home, and two parents that can show them how a healthy relationship works. If you're avoiding divorce because it's "for the kids," you're kidding yourself, and most ppl know it but won't admit it.

I was quite embarrassed and scared when it happened, only bc my daughter was just six months- but now she won't have to go through the trauma of us fighting, telling her we are getting divorced.

I disagree that divorce is hard on the kids... depends on HOW you divorce. Relationships sometimes don't work. Relationships sometimes aren't healthy, and I would have NEVER ever wanted my daughter to succumb to what my ex did and think it was acceptable. My sister and I were literally begging for my mom to leave my dad, at the end, we were so miserable. Now that I'm a mom, it absolutely breaks my heart imagining my daughter begging me to leave their dad.

My ex and I are amicable enough that we show her and explain to her that we just have a different relationship than what we used to. We can absolutely still be in the same room together (though, it is better if there are others around).

I'll also add it depends on how much help you have. You said you have small kids. Do you have a good support system? My DD is not in school yet and I work full time, but I have tons of amazing family and friends that pitch in.

[Anonymous]

I divorced when the kids were under 5. The younger they are the easier it is in my experience. My youngest doesn't even remember a time when we weren't divorced.

It was rough being a single parent (we started with shared custody but after 9 mo, I was a full time single parent). Kids had long days at daycare and I fell asleep with them more times than not. But we did so much more stuff when we didn't have to worry about how he would react or whether he wanted to be involved. By elementary, I transitioned to an au pair which gave the kids and me more flexibility.

But kid age isn't the only factor in how things turn out. The relationship between the parents is probably a bigger deal. My ex has mostly checked out of the kids lives so that makes it easier and sometimes harder when you have to explain why he isn't around. My fiance and his ex don't like each other and the kids know that. He doesn't talk bad about her to them but she does so that impacts his relationship with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Mine were 9, 6 and 4. He moved down the street. We lived a block from each other for 5 years until I moved a mile away.

We share 50/50. I had no desire to wait until the kids were older. I was miserable. I also knew based on my experience growing up with many friends with divorced parents that divorcing in the middle and hs years were much harder on the kids.

My 2 youngest don't even remember us together. My 9yo did a school report on divorce. That was his way of processing.

They are now 17, 14 and 11. They are all doing great. My exh and I get along. We are still in the same social group. His parents live in my town and they are involved. Divorce really does not have to be traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:in my experience it is very very hard on the kids.

There are worse things. My childhood was awful...and my parents were married in a very very bad dysfunctional marriage. My kids are way better off even with a divorce.

Op’s doesn’t sound like a very bad or dysfunctional marriage. It sounds like one that is naturally strained by poor communication and the stress of kids.

Op where are you on counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine were 9, 6 and 4. He moved down the street. We lived a block from each other for 5 years until I moved a mile away.

We share 50/50. I had no desire to wait until the kids were older. I was miserable. I also knew based on my experience growing up with many friends with divorced parents that divorcing in the middle and hs years were much harder on the kids.

My 2 youngest don't even remember us together. My 9yo did a school report on divorce. That was his way of processing.

They are now 17, 14 and 11. They are all doing great. My exh and I get along. We are still in the same social group. His parents live in my town and they are involved. Divorce really does not have to be traumatic.

This is wonderful and you are lucky. If, like OP, your husband is an abusive narcissist it is different. And narcissism and high conflict divorce go together, apparently.

[Anonymous]

I really wish we’d separated when the kids were younger. They were in middle school and I believe it would have been easier on them when they were younger.