Tell me about divorcing with children under 10

[Anonymous]

I got divorced when mine were 5 and 6yrs. It was really rough but you get the breaks when they're with dad which is nice. I also became friends with many other divorced moms and we would do stuff together with the kids (as though we were a family) which made it easier to tag team. We'd travel places, do weekend activities, weekly meals together. It really helped. Now the kids are older and it's a bit easier since they can be left alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

DH isn't into counseling. Not happening. In terms of more specific examples of what's going on, most of the incidents are little things that just chip away at your relationship over the years. Lots of disagreements on things we should be able to agree on or little jabs at things I just don't do correctly or express the right way. For example, I've suggested multiple times, let's go away for one night. We can get local relatives to watch the kids. Easy. He disagrees, and not only claims he doesn't want to impose on people but also we could do the same thing we'd do away for less money. (Why bother driving to XX when we could find a restaurant here, or better yet, just cook at home). But it isn't about the stupid meal. It's about getting a breather by getting away from the kids and not having to do dishes. To him, there's no issue. To me, there's a big issue. When we do talk about trips, same thing. He has his own ideas of where HE wants to go (not using we, but I). If I suggest going somewhere he has no interest in, he tells me, well you can just go there yourself then. Same thing if we get an invite to visit friends. If they're not his friends, no interest in going. He's usually that way with most invitations from people who I'm friends with.

Other things... I'll express a differing political opinion and he'll disagree by turning it into a cutting personal attack that ends with, what's wrong with you, you're so callous. Huh? Feels like he was just looking for something to go after me on, even if it's really small.

OP, I don’t think you owe PP any specific examples. You didn’t ask if you should divorce; if it’s unbearable - do it. My parents stayed together and damaged us by not splitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were 6 and 9. There were rough patches. We needed emergency protection. There was a phase of supervised access visits, and then they stopped seeing him, which has been ongoing for close to four years.

Things are mostly happy and peaceful, our home is a nice comfortable place and I can't believe how much of life we can actually live now. You don't really realize when you're in it, but when you leave, and find good therapy for you, and just focus on healing for awhile, and enjoy the calm, everything really is worth it. My kids are highly empathetic wise people who unfortunately had to experience some really hard stuff. But they learned a lot of resilience, and finding their voice, and self worth through it all too.

NP here. How is it possible for some fathers to check out and basically phase out contact with their children? I have seen plenty of this even with dads who wanted kids very much and were adamant that they would take good care of them. As a mom, I could not go even for even two weeks without seeing my kid.

Guy: 50:50 custody with young kids. I can see why some guys check out. The ‘deck’ is stacked against you in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not too bad. I divorced when the kids were 4 and 6, got a live in nanny, and my life became much more pleasant. Oh, and I remarried two years later.

That sounds really quick.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the kids are very small it is the most testing time in a relationship. Getting through it is worth trying.

Not OP. I used to think that in general but it was not working ever. Now I regret not leaving sooner. I wasted too many years. The “little kids is hard” was bad for me because it made me stay.

I am divorced. Younger than 10 is better in my opinion. Younger than 5 is even better.

I’m a child of divorce. My two sisters and I were all under 10 when my parents split. I think it would have been MUCH harder for us if we were older. They were able to stay civil in front of us and they had shared custody. I agree that the younger the kids are, the better. If you don’t see it ever working, end it. You’re not doing the kids any favors by staying miserable longer.

[Anonymous]

How you exit the marriage will play a big role in how successful the divorce will be for you and the kids. My ex cheated and dragged the divorce out for years. You have to co-parent with your ex when you’d rather be rid of them. Be gracious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

DH isn't into counseling. Not happening. In terms of more specific examples of what's going on, most of the incidents are little things that just chip away at your relationship over the years. Lots of disagreements on things we should be able to agree on or little jabs at things I just don't do correctly or express the right way. For example, I've suggested multiple times, let's go away for one night. We can get local relatives to watch the kids. Easy. He disagrees, and not only claims he doesn't want to impose on people but also we could do the same thing we'd do away for less money. (Why bother driving to XX when we could find a restaurant here, or better yet, just cook at home). But it isn't about the stupid meal. It's about getting a breather by getting away from the kids and not having to do dishes. To him, there's no issue. To me, there's a big issue. When we do talk about trips, same thing. He has his own ideas of where HE wants to go (not using we, but I). If I suggest going somewhere he has no interest in, he tells me, well you can just go there yourself then. Same thing if we get an invite to visit friends. If they're not his friends, no interest in going. He's usually that way with most invitations from people who I'm friends with.

Other things... I'll express a differing political opinion and he'll disagree by turning it into a cutting personal attack that ends with, what's wrong with you, you're so callous. Huh? Feels like he was just looking for something to go after me on, even if it's really small.

This sounds horrible. If you don't think he is capable of change (I mean you married him for a reason) then I would start planning. This sound soul-sucking.

OP, have you talked to an attorney yet? Does DH know that you are considering divorce? Counseling is really needed here and if he is a no then I guess you have to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Mine were 6 and 2. I think it's easier than later years, but I obviously don't know. It's physically demanding to be a single parent of two young children. But some things are so much easier. No negotiating with another adult over everything. No resentment etc....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were 6 and 9. There were rough patches. We needed emergency protection. There was a phase of supervised access visits, and then they stopped seeing him, which has been ongoing for close to four years.

Things are mostly happy and peaceful, our home is a nice comfortable place and I can't believe how much of life we can actually live now. You don't really realize when you're in it, but when you leave, and find good therapy for you, and just focus on healing for awhile, and enjoy the calm, everything really is worth it. My kids are highly empathetic wise people who unfortunately had to experience some really hard stuff. But they learned a lot of resilience, and finding their voice, and self worth through it all too.

NP here. How is it possible for some fathers to check out and basically phase out contact with their children? I have seen plenty of this even with dads who wanted kids very much and were adamant that they would take good care of them. As a mom, I could not go even for even two weeks without seeing my kid.

Guy: 50:50 custody with young kids. I can see why some guys check out. The ‘deck’ is stacked against you in many ways.

How so? You get 50/50 custody, try it out and then check out and take 10 or 20%?? What’s the deck stacked against that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were 6 and 9. There were rough patches. We needed emergency protection. There was a phase of supervised access visits, and then they stopped seeing him, which has been ongoing for close to four years.

Things are mostly happy and peaceful, our home is a nice comfortable place and I can't believe how much of life we can actually live now. You don't really realize when you're in it, but when you leave, and find good therapy for you, and just focus on healing for awhile, and enjoy the calm, everything really is worth it. My kids are highly empathetic wise people who unfortunately had to experience some really hard stuff. But they learned a lot of resilience, and finding their voice, and self worth through it all too.

NP here. How is it possible for some fathers to check out and basically phase out contact with their children? I have seen plenty of this even with dads who wanted kids very much and were adamant that they would take good care of them. As a mom, I could not go even for even two weeks without seeing my kid.

Guy: 50:50 custody with young kids. I can see why some guys check out. The ‘deck’ is stacked against you in many ways.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

I divorced when my kids were 3 and 5.5. It was a rough few years but we all are in a better place now, 10 years later. It’s hard to know what to write because each marriage and divorce are different. I had a very hard time/contentious time.

[Anonymous]

My twins were almost 7. My ex moved out and into a house down the street so the kids don't have to be shuttled between neighborhoods on a schedule. They seem to be taking it very well, and they are 9 now.

[Anonymous]

I got divorced when kids were 6 and 4. Ex and I maintained 50-50 and while it wasn't all roses, I feel we did our best and kids were pretty well adjusted. Not ideal but we made it work.

[Anonymous]

Will there be more divorces during Covid because we're all home too much?

[Anonymous]

The younger, the better. If they can't remember having a two-parent household, they won't miss it. They will notice that other kids have the two parent household but they will realize there are advantages to their situation.

If the marriage really isn't salvageable, get out.