Tell me about divorcing with children under 10

[Anonymous]

It was ... rough. They were 1 and 4. Ex and I lived about 45 minutes apart. For the first two years he only took the 4 yr old overnight since she was both weaned and toilet trained. But our home was calm and the kids cried less frequently and I was less tense. I wasn't tip-toeing around anymore. I didn't cringe every time I dropped something or forgot something or made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

They were 6 and 9. There were rough patches. We needed emergency protection. There was a phase of supervised access visits, and then they stopped seeing him, which has been ongoing for close to four years.

Things are mostly happy and peaceful, our home is a nice comfortable place and I can't believe how much of life we can actually live now. You don't really realize when you're in it, but when you leave, and find good therapy for you, and just focus on healing for awhile, and enjoy the calm, everything really is worth it. My kids are highly empathetic wise people who unfortunately had to experience some really hard stuff. But they learned a lot of resilience, and finding their voice, and self worth through it all too.

[Anonymous]

Divorce sucks for children OP. But being raised by parents who dislike each other sucks too. No easy out, but this marriage is not going to last. Do it before your oldest hits middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to try but the passive aggressiveness, the cutting remarks, the refusal apologize (ever!), the refusal to do anything that doesn't suit him and his likes and needs... I do not want to live this way. I think even the kids sense his coldness towards me. Hot cold hot cold... all, day, long. A nice pleasant morning, then, oops, it doesn't suit him, something doesn't match his interests so I'm horrible because he's inflexible and his needs are first. And I know every man on earth isn't just like this.

There's nothing specific here. Just your feelings, but no examples of anything your husband did that annoys you. Please be more specific.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in the beginning stages of divorce with a 6 year old. So far it has been surprisingly positive. My child doesn’t like the divorce pet we, but she does recognize and appreciate that our home is more peaceful and her parents now respect each other. I a proud of the example my ex and I are setting. So far we are coparenting very well together. He has remained and active father and y child knows she is loved by both parents. Now that we have let our marriage die there is space for us to be kind to one another and I really enjoy that, and am thankful that our kid gets to see it. We do not have financial struggles and that also helps a ton. So far I have no regrets at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in the beginning stages of divorce with a 6 year old. So far it has been surprisingly positive. My child doesn’t like the divorce pet we, but she does recognize and appreciate that our home is more peaceful and her parents now respect each other. I a proud of the example my ex and I are setting. So far we are coparenting very well together. He has remained and active father and y child knows she is loved by both parents. Now that we have let our marriage die there is space for us to be kind to one another and I really enjoy that, and am thankful that our kid gets to see it. We do not have financial struggles and that also helps a ton. So far I have no regrets at all.

If you're in the beginning process this means one of you moved out. Who moved out and how do you deal with who gets your kid? School? Raising. How do you pay bills? How are financials split up?

[Anonymous]

Not too bad. I divorced when the kids were 4 and 6, got a live in nanny, and my life became much more pleasant. Oh, and I remarried two years later.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

DH isn't into counseling. Not happening. In terms of more specific examples of what's going on, most of the incidents are little things that just chip away at your relationship over the years. Lots of disagreements on things we should be able to agree on or little jabs at things I just don't do correctly or express the right way. For example, I've suggested multiple times, let's go away for one night. We can get local relatives to watch the kids. Easy. He disagrees, and not only claims he doesn't want to impose on people but also we could do the same thing we'd do away for less money. (Why bother driving to XX when we could find a restaurant here, or better yet, just cook at home). But it isn't about the stupid meal. It's about getting a breather by getting away from the kids and not having to do dishes. To him, there's no issue. To me, there's a big issue. When we do talk about trips, same thing. He has his own ideas of where HE wants to go (not using we, but I). If I suggest going somewhere he has no interest in, he tells me, well you can just go there yourself then. Same thing if we get an invite to visit friends. If they're not his friends, no interest in going. He's usually that way with most invitations from people who I'm friends with.

Other things... I'll express a differing political opinion and he'll disagree by turning it into a cutting personal attack that ends with, what's wrong with you, you're so callous. Huh? Feels like he was just looking for something to go after me on, even if it's really small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

DH isn't into counseling. Not happening. In terms of more specific examples of what's going on, most of the incidents are little things that just chip away at your relationship over the years. Lots of disagreements on things we should be able to agree on or little jabs at things I just don't do correctly or express the right way. For example, I've suggested multiple times, let's go away for one night. We can get local relatives to watch the kids. Easy. He disagrees, and not only claims he doesn't want to impose on people but also we could do the same thing we'd do away for less money. (Why bother driving to XX when we could find a restaurant here, or better yet, just cook at home). But it isn't about the stupid meal. It's about getting a breather by getting away from the kids and not having to do dishes. To him, there's no issue. To me, there's a big issue. When we do talk about trips, same thing. He has his own ideas of where HE wants to go (not using we, but I). If I suggest going somewhere he has no interest in, he tells me, well you can just go there yourself then. Same thing if we get an invite to visit friends. If they're not his friends, no interest in going. He's usually that way with most invitations from people who I'm friends with.

Other things... I'll express a differing political opinion and he'll disagree by turning it into a cutting personal attack that ends with, what's wrong with you, you're so callous. Huh? Feels like he was just looking for something to go after me on, even if it's really small.

This sounds horrible. If you don't think he is capable of change (I mean you married him for a reason) then I would start planning. This sound soul-sucking.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different but in my case, my husband is awful but if he became my ex, he would be more awful. At least now I can make sure he stays medicated and I have 100% custody. The only I want to add it's, a lot of people talk to attorneys after they decide to get divorced. But I think bring an attorney on early and if needed, often, to decide if you want to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Mine were 5 and 7 when we separated/divorced. They are now 12 and 14 and barely remember being an intact family.

We do 50-50 custody and they have been relatively unphased by it. Your children's ability to adapt to this will be DIRECTLY related to your ability to coparent effectively and without conflict. The kids need to feel free to have a loving relationship with both parents, regardless of how you feel about each other.

Some of the downsides: you will have no say over what the kids eat, their schedule, or house rules when they are with their dad. My kids had been very active and thin their whole lives, packed on the pounds in an alarming way the 1st year we separated, along with their dad who packed on at least 50 lbs. They were eating all fast food and junk food all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were 6 and 9. There were rough patches. We needed emergency protection. There was a phase of supervised access visits, and then they stopped seeing him, which has been ongoing for close to four years.

Things are mostly happy and peaceful, our home is a nice comfortable place and I can't believe how much of life we can actually live now. You don't really realize when you're in it, but when you leave, and find good therapy for you, and just focus on healing for awhile, and enjoy the calm, everything really is worth it. My kids are highly empathetic wise people who unfortunately had to experience some really hard stuff. But they learned a lot of resilience, and finding their voice, and self worth through it all too.

NP here. How is it possible for some fathers to check out and basically phase out contact with their children? I have seen plenty of this even with dads who wanted kids very much and were adamant that they would take good care of them. As a mom, I could not go even for even two weeks without seeing my kid.

[Anonymous]

Under 10 is a big range. I found it easy to separate when child was 7-8. I mean it wasn’t easy for me but the child seemed to take it in stride, and he was old enough to stay home alone while I was working part time jobs (I couldn’t subside on child support). I would say 5 or older is easier because it is very difficult to find cheap childcare for under 5s or leave them home alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not too bad. I divorced when the kids were 4 and 6, got a live in nanny, and my life became much more pleasant. Oh, and I remarried two years later.

That sounds really quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not too bad. I divorced when the kids were 4 and 6, got a live in nanny, and my life became much more pleasant. Oh, and I remarried two years later.

I think I know you. Or rather my good friend's mother did the same thing at the same ages. My friend is very successful and has a good relationship with her mother now. They were not close growing up because she was always working and focused on her new husband. The nanny raised her and her brother. S she says the divorce have get clinical anxiety but who really knows how to attribute that.