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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]20 years of marriage, 1 kid. DH is recently (finally) diagnosed. It has been a long, difficult road with a constant need for him to control most everything, but especially finances.

Breaking point has been in the last two months, when the below were discovered. On the one hand, these could be explained by AS reasoning. On the other, the end result is so morally bankrupt, maybe I should call it and separate. [b]From an Aspie's perspective[/b], would you see how destructive these actions are or feel they are understandable?

1) For 20 years, he hid that he intended his premarital earnings to be his alone (~1.5M starting from age 30, we are 50/40 yo now), because it was too "difficult" for him to have the conversation. So he just hid it.
2) He asked me to SHP to help his career, which I agreed to because I never doubted our assets were joint. Also, "You could work, but it would be a burden to the family, etc."
3) Oops, when he realized that hiding his intent about premarital earnings was not okay, he backtracked to 50/50 and 'rebuilding trust.'
4) Then over the last two months of transparency,  I found multiple forgotten accounts (woops, my 401k there I didn't rollover, oh yeah that IRA, etc.) Total value ~200k or so.
5 Culminating in finding a hidden account that he owns with a family member. Here's where it gets crazy. He transfers money from our equities, to this co-owned with family member account and then to ours. Ostensibly, this is to cleanly categorize large dollar items (tuition, taxes, remodels, etc.), but more likely this is to control what's visible for expenses n our accounts. FWIW there is no external reason for this level of protection. We are ~6M net worth and there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately.

So what's your take? I'm a fighter for marriage, and have already stuck in longer than maybe I should have. But does this push us well past a reasonable point for NDs?

[/quote]

According to law, whatever you or him had before you married is his and yours respectively. He does not need to ask your permission or explain anything. If you insist otherwise it is you who is imposing.

[quote]1) For 20 years, he hid that he intended his premarital earnings to be his alone (~1.5M starting from age 30, we are 50/40 yo now), because it was too "difficult" for him to have the conversation. So he just hid it.[/quote]

He asked you, he did not force you, that was your mutual decission. If you did not discussed the rules and conditions,
he is not the only type of husband to move goal posts or be ungrateful for this, very quickly working husband stop seeing the work that SAHP does and s... t hits the fan.

[quote]2) He asked me to SHP to help his career, which I agreed to because I never doubted our assets were joint. Also, "You could work, but it would be a burden to the family, etc."[/quote]

Again, this is HIS money.  Just the same if your parents gave you money, it would not be his but yours.
You have no right to use this against him or make him feel bad.  you can use this as a negotiating point against your 
stay at home parenting but  not demand it like it is yours. Yours was to stay at home and waste your career or not
but it was your choice.

[quote]3) Oops, when he realized that hiding his intent about premarital earnings was not okay, he backtracked to 50/50 and 'rebuilding trust.'
[/quote]

Did you ever ask about this money? Otherwise you don't expect Aspie to come to you and ask you "please .. please.. control me" :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[quote]4) Then over the last two months of transparency,  I found multiple forgotten accounts (woops, my 401k there I didn't rollover, oh yeah that IRA, etc.) Total value ~200k or so.[/quote]

This might be just  tax evasion... since the founds eventually end up in to your accounts. He clearly feels your little wife's brain can not hold numbers..  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  that is offensive but again. Aspie.

[quote]5 Culminating in finding a hidden account that he owns with a family member. Here's where it gets crazy. He transfers money from our equities, to this co-owned with family member account and then to ours. Ostensibly, this is to cleanly categorize large dollar items (tuition, taxes, remodels, etc.), but more likely this is to control what's visible for expenses n our accounts. FWIW there is no external reason for this level of protection. We are ~6M net worth and there is no concern of either party spending inappropriately.[/quote]

You can not fix Aspie. You can only negotiate terms. There will always be this need to hide stuff from you and do things t heir way
as they don't like to be questioned, criticized, or doubt as their narcissist side tells them they know best.

If you trust him he is doing it to maximize your assets, your choice, otherwise you might stay in the marriage but separate the finances completly and then you will have no reason to doubt him or he will have no reason to stay with you if all he needs is your money and your help with kids.

Aspie love is a strange thing. I know few very close friends and heard enough over the years to learn more then I ever wished since you are the confidant and you have to support a friend without judging so you need to learn not to judge but also to understand.
That opened a strange new world I did not know existed.

Lately I saw this image and I think while this illustrates many marriages, it especially illustrates Aspie and Neuro Typical partner marriage.

[img]https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTGJ8S3_QKs3gNy4UZwsQWAqGDXdDXdrM3ECg&usqp=CAU[/img]

Nobody can tell you if you should stay or leave because this is YOUR life and you will have to live with your decission.
You need to consider that:
there are no ideal husbands
there are no ideal marriages
every marriage has some problems
every marriage needs work all the time
if there is a child that is a game changer
if your husband has good intentions that is different 
if he is Aspie, he will never be fully reformed as you want him to be as he just see the world opposite to yours

If you have a child or children, there is a great chance one or all of them carry the same treat as your husband. You may not see them when they are little but they get more obvious with age. Watch out for the things that irritate you in your husband and see if you can find them in your little angels.

Does your husband let you decide about family, does he let you make health and education decission etc..

If you leave him.. and divorce.. you will NOT have your children all for yourself.
He will have them HALF of the time.
He will be  allowed to take them places, even abroad.
He will be allowed to make his own decisions without asking your permission about some things regarding children.
He will eventually remarry and there goes the family.. your kids will have a new younger mom who they might
like better then you and she will have a lot to decide about your kids....
He will have to support financially new family so your current financial situation will change drastically.

There is this piece titled:
Married with Undiagnosed ASD: Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice

It is about undiagnosed Asperger's but the same applies to your situation.

You may read it at it will explain you better then I ever can what you are facing.

So at the end of the day..  you and only you will know what to do.

One more thing I know from observing couples over the years is that Aspies do get worse with age. It is because the marriage gets old, any marriage and with this lots of stuff ends.. naturally... and then they get more secluded, and more isolated and you end up in
a very lonely relationship. So splitting young might make sense if you want to remarry but again, now you will have to let some other guy to parent YOUR kid and this is something many people are not willing to do.

Marriage with Aspie is a three ring circus and you can never get a break.  :lol:  But they tend to be smarter then average so the conversation can be more fun unless they are just all about one hobbby.. some are.

[/quote]

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