How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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03/12/2021 10:03

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

quote

Anonymous

A mom in my neighborhood recently asked "a favor" that involves me approaching my child about her concern. I find this incredibly inappropriate. Sharing her concern with me is perfectly acceptable and understandable but what "I " choose to do about it with regards to my child is really none of her business. The kids are 8 years old and her concerns aren't related to big things such as lying, bullying or the like. It's more like "Susie (her child) will be upset if xyz happens. Can you talk to Jane (my child) just to make sure this doesn't happen?"

First, my parenting style just doesn't jive with this. I often talk to my kids about what to do in certain uncomfortable or potentially upsetting situations but it would never occur to me to ask other parents to "help me" by talking to their kids so that the situation never actually happens. It just seems so manipulative and a recipe for stunting a child's growth, in my opinion.

Second, I believe that inserting yourself into someone's relationship with their child (by asking you to talk to them) is completely inappropriate and overstepping boundaries. Again, I have no problems at all with her sharing concerns with me and certainly would expect any parent to approach me with concerns if it involves my child. But what I do about it is up to me. I don't want someone asking - or telling me (as she has done in the past) - to say or do something with my child. I'm perfectly capable of determining whether my child should be approached about something. Her request for this "favor" (her word) seems so ... manipulative (of me, my child and her child) Am I being unreasonable? Am I missing something?

I've often thought it would be nice if my kids just didn't socialize with this child so I don't get subjected to her mom --- but I have no control over this because the mom often brings her child to our alley to play with another kid on our block who is friends with my kid. The only way I could keep them from socializing is by keeping my kid inside when this child is around, but that is most definitely not an option.

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03/12/2021 10:04

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

I would have no problem if a parent asked. If you don't want to do it, for whatever reason, that is fine also. No biggie.

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03/12/2021 11:48

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

Why don't you actually describe what she is asking? Its really hard to answer this in the abstract.

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03/12/2021 11:52

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:I would have no problem if a parent asked. If you don't want to do it, for whatever reason, that is fine also. No biggie.

+1

Especially since she specified that it was a "favor" - ie, she knows you don't HAVE to, but it would make her life easier, so she's asking. Now if you respond with something like "no, I prefer for Larla to navigate her own relationships. I'm sure the kids will figure it out" and then the other mom keeps pressing you or insisting, that would bother me. But just to ask? Nah.

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03/12/2021 11:55

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

Depends. If someone said, "Hey, my MIL just died and my daughter's taking it REALLY hard, bursting into tears any time someone says "grandma" so could you ask your DD not to bring it up when they play tomorrow?" I'd say sure.

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03/12/2021 11:56

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you actually describe what she is asking? Its really hard to answer this in the abstract.

This. I think I'm with you OP, but it's tough without a more concrete example. And I could see it going both ways. Like if another parent asked me to tell my kid that Santa is real so that it wouldn't ruin it for her kid, I wouldn't do it (though I would tell my child to that some kids think Santa is real and she needs to be respectful of other people's beliefs, lol). But if another parent asked me to ask my child not to talk about a birthday party my kid was invited to and the other kid wasn't, I wouldn't have a problem with that because I know that can be a pretty difficult thing, and it would be a temporary issue anyway.

So it just can really depend on the circumstances.

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03/12/2021 11:59

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

quote

Anonymous

Seeing your current parenting approach isn't working, the neighbor mom is getting annoyed with you and has stepped in to straight up tell you that your kid is doing XYZ and it is upsetting her kid.

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03/12/2021 12:00

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

quote

Anonymous

You are overthinking. Is it a big deal?

If she's phrasing it as a "favor," she is already reading you and your body language and reluctant to ask.

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03/12/2021 12:01

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

Can you show her some compassion? She's clearly stressed about whatever; and we all get that way sometimes. Perhaps she didn't go about it the right way in your opinion, but given the stress, the pandemic, etc. it happens. You don't want to punish someone for something they didn't do "perfectly." Or maybe you do, your call.

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03/12/2021 12:04

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

I think the answer entirely depends on the substance of what she is asking. I'd need to know more because this can go both ways.

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03/12/2021 12:06

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

So, why don’t you set your boundary with her, rather than feeling a certain way when she asks?

“Jane, I understand the reasons you’re asking, but now that Larla is 8, I am trying to step back a little in her relationships and seeing how she’s does when she manages them on her own”.

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03/12/2021 12:12

Subject: Re:How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

quote

Anonymous

My child and I have talks all the time abut kindness and what it means to interact with people kindly and with generosity. It sounds like this would fit into that. So, no, I wouldn't at all have a problem having the requested conversation. Depending on what it is, I may or may not require my child to do/not do the thing, but of course we would talk about it and how it makes her friend feel.

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03/12/2021 12:15

Subject: Re:How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

It depends entirely on what the request is.

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03/12/2021 13:38

Subject: Re:How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

This is the classic, "don't let your children who know Santa is not real, talk to my child, and ruin the Santa surprise". You either do it or don't do it. Its really ridiculous of parents to ask, but then people go insane on these boards about the "magic" of Santa. I'm fine with Santa, but don't try to force the world to be a certain way.

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03/12/2021 13:40

Subject: How do you feel when another parent asks, or tells, you to say or do something with your child?

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Anonymous

Your kid is obviously an asshole. She doesn't make to make her child stop their friendship with your kid. You're waaayyyyy overthinking this. She did the right thing by talking to you.