Advice? Wife/in law issues

[Anonymous]

When visiting my parents about a year ago, an indident occured:   I was with our 1 yr old daughter in the laundry room area.  I walked away for a few minutes to talk to my grandmother.  My mom, unbeknownst to me, had walked away briefly as well to attend to company, and when wife returned, our daughter was playing on the floor with open bottle of laundry detergent that was for some reason left on floor with DD nearby.  Some other issues have occured over the years, but nothing as serious as potentially swallowing detergent....not strapping DD in car seat perfectly, driving not great, not watching closely enough DD on stairs, in general not being the over attentive parents we are.  

That's the abridged back story.  
This has obviously strained my relationship with my parents.  My wife, who has never liked them, has solidified her dislike for them even more.  She refuses to let them be alone with DD.  They don't visit often because they feel unwelcome and we have not returned.  It's been almost a year.  Many additional years of walking on eggshells given their mutual dislike for eachother and disappointment with me that I side with her, etc.
  
Now my grandmother, who I always had a very special relationship with, is not doing great.  Not sure how long she has.  I'd like to bring DD to visit as it could be last time. Complicating this is my wife is in third trimester and can't travel.  So just me and DD, and they live in Denver.  Not an easy trip alone, and wife has never been without DD for more than 2 nights where DD was not at our home with me.  We aren't the parents like others in my/her family that go away for a week and leave the kids with grandparents.  Yes, that's our perogative. She doesn't trust my parents or really any of my relatives at all.  
We had a bit of a blow up when I brought up the visit, insisting that I can't leave DD alone for one second.  And I know she'll be a nervous wreck at this stage in pregnancy.  I would obviously take precautions, but you can see the situation.               

So, wives on here, or husbands that deal with serious wife/in law tensions, how would you handle?  This is my parents' only grandchild.  And my grandmother has only seen DD twice. 

Help.  

[Anonymous]

Caveat: I don't like my MIL. But I'm trying not to let that influence my answer.

Go to visit your grandmother alone. You should absolutely see her; this is important. But you also have an obligation to your wife, DD, and unborn child. Your wife has already let you know that she is not okay with your taking DD alone to visit your parents. She has reason to be concerned, based on past conduct. She is not going to relax the entire time you are gone. It is not good for her - and more importantly, not good for your unborn child. Go alone, bring pictures of your daughter, be warm and take care of your grandmother and parents.

The only other option is that you go, but take full responsibility for child care. Meaning you don't walk away and leave your DD with your parents, even for a second. But it sounds like this is either not something you want to do, or it is not something your wife is comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you won't leave DD alone for a second. Go. Visit your grandmother. Have fun. Try to make sure the kid does not come back with a bump or bruise. You have longer term issues here, but that's my suggestion for your short-term problem.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, it's really hard for me to understand or get a clear picture of this incident or why it "obviously" strained the relationship. Your toddler was in a laundry room and got into a bottle of detergent. Were you told or promised that the laundry room was completely and utterly child-proofed? Were you told she was being supervised when you walked away? Is that why your wife is pissed? Is that why the relationship is so strained? I mean, toddlers get into stuff constantly without supervision. I would never "walk away," even for one single second, and leave a toddler unsupervised, so if I were your wife I would be mad at YOU, not my in laws for having the gall to have laundry detergent in the house. I just don't get this.

[Anonymous]

A wife here. I think the issue is not whether your wife trusts your parents, it's whether she trusts you, and she has a lot of information to go on, not just that one incident a year ago. So, you can promise not to leave your DD alone, but only if that's realistic. But the focus here should be on the fairness of your DD meeting her family and having a relationship with them. If there are safety issues, it's fair for your wife and you to put some boundaries on that relationship, but unless you want to deprive your child of a good relationship with her grandparents, then I think you should stand firm on taking this trip with her.

Ultimately, nothing will completely alleviate your wife's concerns until you return home safely with DD, without incident. I have had to leave my DD at home with my DH for a couple of short business trips. The first was awful for me, but she was fine and they did great. The second was easier and so on.

Can you do everything possible to make it a short trip, even perhaps while your wife is working (if she works outside the home) so to minimize her time alone in the house without both of you? Take direct flights, get home quickly, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you have to choose between your wife and your parents and that your children are going to lose out on having grandparents. But, I'm not seeing the big issue with your mom. You all can blame your mom for the detergent issue. But fact is that you walked away from your daughter where detergent was on the floor without handing her off to someone else to watch and now you blame your mom for also walking away from a kid that wasn't hers to be responsible for. Not fair to your mom. You don't go into great detail about the other stuff, but honestly, some of it seems so overprotective. Was your DD really in danger of serious injury on the steps or is it that your DD is your first child and your mom has successfully raised a couple and realizes that kids aren't glass and don't break. All of this sounds to me like an excuse for your wife to justify alieniating you and your family from your parents. As a mom who has had to work through my feelings about my in laws for the sake of my kids, I have to say that there is nothing like grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Personally I would take the child. She shouldn't be cut off from your family. But she is your responsibility, not your parents. Hopefully your wife trusts you enough to take care of your own child.

On the flip side, I wouldn't take her just to see her great grandmother one last time. At 2 she won't remember it at all.

[Anonymous]

I would take the child if you really believe you can be trusted. Then, honor your wife and not bow to pressure to leave the kid alone with the parents. Keep the visit short - regarding your grandma it's the way you lived your life and not the way you say good bye that matters now.

Stay in a hotel.

I have estrangement in my family and it is ugly. It taints every relationship - not just the relationships of the people not talking (all are talking with me). It has pretty much weakened the ties my foreign-born husband has with most of his family (it's just too stressful to visit, which means keeping in touch with cousins just too hard, so we don't - this hurts because they are great people). Nothing in your initial post seems to warrant estrangement, just caution. If you let the relationship with your parents wither, I bet you will regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A wife here. I think the issue is not whether your wife trusts your parents, it's whether she trusts you, and she has a lot of information to go on, not just that one incident a year ago. So, you can promise not to leave your DD alone, but only if that's realistic. But the focus here should be on the fairness of your DD meeting her family and having a relationship with them. If there are safety issues, it's fair for your wife and you to put some boundaries on that relationship, but unless you want to deprive your child of a good relationship with her grandparents, then I think you should stand firm on taking this trip with her.

Ultimately, nothing will completely alleviate your wife's concerns until you return home safely with DD, without incident. I have had to leave my DD at home with my DH for a couple of short business trips. The first was awful for me, but she was fine and they did great. The second was easier and so on.

Can you do everything possible to make it a short trip, even perhaps while your wife is working (if she works outside the home) so to minimize her time alone in the house without both of you? Take direct flights, get home quickly, etc.

I think this is a really good response, and I don't think I have that much to add to it, but wanted to second the thoughts.

[Anonymous]

A wife here who has some ambivalent feelings about her own in-laws.

I don't get why your wife was mad at your mother but not at you for the laundry incident. Also, as a PP said, these things happen. The other night I forgot to latch the safety gate to the stairs, and next thing I knew, my 15-month-old had scooted up the stairs by herself. We all make mistakes.

You should go and take your daughter. Your parents raised you, so they are obviously capable of refraining from injuring any small children they may be around. Your wife needs to trust you and also understand that it's important for your daughter to have a relationship of some kind with your parents (the grandparents).

[Anonymous]

The laundry detergent story, at least the way you've presented it here, sounds like the kind of thing that just happens in the course of parenting kids. It wasn't malicious, it was just an oversight, and luckily nothing bad came of it. For example, my MIL and DH took my 1 yo to a restaurant and didn't test the temperature of his food when it arrived. It was a kids' meal, so they assumed it was fine. It wasn't, and his mouth and fingers were burned. Bad incident, but it would never occur to me to ban my MIL from future contact with her grandchild. My kids are old enough now that I've seen them get injured while heavily supervised and engaged in "safe" activities, and I've seen many instances where something bad could have happened but didn't.
You are this child's parent too. You have as much of a stake in her safety as your wife does. If she does not trust you, that's a bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I would take the child. She shouldn't be cut off from your family. But she is your responsibility, not your parents. Hopefully your wife trusts you enough to take care of your own child.

On the flip side, I wouldn't take her just to see her great grandmother one last time. At 2 she won't remember it at all.

The grandmother will be remember. It is important for her to see the child.

[Anonymous]

Go by yourself. Try to take your DD after your wife gives birth. I hate my inlaws, and I would be pissed if my husband did this.

[Anonymous]

Take your daughter with you. If your wife doesn't trust you, you've got bigger issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take your daughter with you. If your wife doesn't trust you, you've got bigger issues.

ditto