Advice? Wife/in law issues

[Anonymous]

Another wife here, I can barely stand my MIL, but I would never keep my daughter from her. I think that you should go and take your daughter with you, you just have to be responsible for her safety (if you are worried about your parents level of attention). Before you go, I think you need to sit down with your wife and explain why you think it is important for your daughter to see your family and also assure her that you will watch and once you get there call her and let her know that all is well.

[Anonymous]

You should take your kid with you. As a rule men should not let women take over all the parenting. (My dh would be furious if I tried to do what your wife is doing.) It means a lot to you for dd to see your grandmother and that's important. I know I'm guessing this based on a few short lines from you but I am assuming you are not a ninny and can look after a child.

Do not let your dw pull rank just because she is a mom and you are a dad.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. I appreciate everyone that has commented, although there is certainly a wide array of opinions. A few thoughts per some PPs:

-My wife and I have always presented a united front with my parents. So, no, I would never say, DW is not letting me take DD to see grandmother. We are always united to them.

-It's really tough for me NOT to trust my parents, even with those incidents. They take care of my niece/nephew (for a few hours on occasion or babysit at night), have taken care of other friends’ kids. I turned out fine. My wife would view those parents (my sibling) as bad parents for letting my parents take care of them.

-In addition to the previous incident, there was something else that happened where my dad was joking with DD. There was a toy and he was joking with a suffocating noise and using the toy—as a joke. We launched on my dad that he can’t do this, and explained to DD that is not OK. Dad realizes he messed up, but thinks it was still just a joke done in jest. I know….this is extreme. But it really did happen. It’s these two incidents that my wife continues to come back to. I’m afraid now that I wrote that, the posters are going to jump on me.

-My wife fully trusts me. That’s not the issue. She’s left me alone with DD, travels for work, has left for occasional weekend trips. But she doesn’t trust my parents.

-I have told my parents that I don’t feel great leaving DD alone with them (they kind of refuse to listen), but I’ll bring up past incidents. They say just mistakes, won’t happen again, never malicious, etc. "we would never do a thing to intentionally harm DD, and you truned out great!"

-Here’s where I come out: There are trust issues with my parents. But how much is that us being super-overprotective? My wife does not want DD to have 1 second alone with my parents (as she says, look what can happen when you turn your head). She feels they have bad judgment and DD is at total risk when with them. Therefore, someone has to be watching her at all times. Even if I have to go to bathroom/take shower—DD must come too. Am I being a poor parent for not viewing it this way? Do I not care as much about the safety of our DD because I would be OK letting DD be alone with my parents for 10 minutes? How much of this is the fact that they are my parents and not my wife’s? How much is that clouding my judgment? I can’t just tell my wife to get over it. Nor do I really see a compromise. As my wife said, you can make sure all the cabinets are locked/detergent not accessible, but anything can still happen.

-That said, we’ll leave DD with a sitter, at day care, etc. Surely things go on that may not be perfect. How different is that from DD with my parents?

So, this is what I struggle with. It’s really difficult and stressful. I’ve actually posted before about my wife and my parents. They both pretty much can’t stand each other. So there’s that (larger) piece, and then obviously the piece with my grandmother and if it's worth fighting my wife on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I appreciate everyone that has commented, although there is certainly a wide array of opinions. A few thoughts per some PPs:

-My wife and I have always presented a united front with my parents. So, no, I would never say, DW is not letting me take DD to see grandmother. We are always united to them.

-It's really tough for me NOT to trust my parents, even with those incidents. They take care of my niece/nephew (for a few hours on occasion or babysit at night), have taken care of other friends’ kids. I turned out fine. My wife would view those parents (my sibling) as bad parents for letting my parents take care of them.

-In addition to the previous incident, there was something else that happened where my dad was joking with DD. There was a toy and he was joking with a suffocating noise and using the toy—as a joke. We launched on my dad that he can’t do this, and explained to DD that is not OK. Dad realizes he messed up, but thinks it was still just a joke done in jest. I know….this is extreme. But it really did happen. It’s these two incidents that my wife continues to come back to. I’m afraid now that I wrote that, the posters are going to jump on me.

This is totally unclear, what exactly happened? Was you Dad choking the toy or pretending that he was choking on the toy? If the latter, then while I bad taste I would totally see it as a joke (BTW, my DH thinks that I am an overprotective mom).

-My wife fully trusts me. That’s not the issue. She’s left me alone with DD, travels for work, has left for occasional weekend trips. But she doesn’t trust my parents.

-I have told my parents that I don’t feel great leaving DD alone with them (they kind of refuse to listen), but I’ll bring up past incidents. They say just mistakes, won’t happen again, never malicious, etc. "we would never do a thing to intentionally harm DD, and you truned out great!"

-Here’s where I come out: There are trust issues with my parents. But how much is that us being super-overprotective? My wife does not want DD to have 1 second alone with my parents (as she says, look what can happen when you turn your head). She feels they have bad judgment and DD is at total risk when with them. Therefore, someone has to be watching her at all times. Even if I have to go to bathroom/take shower—DD must come too. Am I being a poor parent for not viewing it this way? Do I not care as much about the safety of our DD because I would be OK letting DD be alone with my parents for 10 minutes? How much of this is the fact that they are my parents and not my wife’s? How much is that clouding my judgment? I can’t just tell my wife to get over it. Nor do I really see a compromise. As my wife said, you can make sure all the cabinets are locked/detergent not accessible, but anything can still happen.


-That said, we’ll leave DD with a sitter, at day care, etc. Surely things go on that may not be perfect. How different is that from DD with my parents?

So, this is what I struggle with. It’s really difficult and stressful. I’ve actually posted before about my wife and my parents. They both pretty much can’t stand each other. So there’s that (larger) piece, and then obviously the piece with my grandmother and if it's worth fighting my wife on this.

Seems to me that this is more about your wife not liking your parents and less to do her concerns about safety. She has every right to dislike your parents but not to keep them them from their grandchild. Unfortunately, I think that this is something that seh just has to deal with. I think that it is time for you to call her bluff.

[Anonymous]

PP: pretending he was choking on toy.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds completely WAY too overprotective. These sound like nice, loving grandparents who might just be a little more easy going than your wife.

If you cant stand up to her and say "I will take care of DD while we are gone, but I might need to use the bathroom every now and then", then you really need to take a good look at your relationship and understand why you have no say in your children's (and your own) life.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go on the trip. Your wife is in her 3rd trimester.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe I'm going to say this b/c I REALLY don't like my MIL, can barely stand to be in the same room as her, but it sounds like your wife is being over-protective. I do think you need to take your child but tell her you will be the primary person caring for her. I have safety issues with my MIL (kids have fallen down the long flight of stairs at her house, cut heads on glass coffee table, etc.) so the deal is that hubby has to go over there with them. She's not allowed to drive them anywhere but she does come and babysit them on occasion since our house is set up for kids. There has to be a compromise.

[Anonymous]

MIL issues aside, I'm late in my 3rd trimester and I would be in heaven if DH took DD somewhere for a few days. The peace and quiet....

Anyway, honestly I think your wife is unjustly over-protective. I don't think anything your parents did is major cause for concern. And I say this as a former child abuse investigator...

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think your wife is really over-protective, based on your descriptions. I think she has legitimate concerns. You're not talking about a 3 hour drive and a weekend visit.

My DH is a great father and I of course trust him to watch our two kids but I would not let him take them on a trip by himself to visit inlaws. I think it's a lot of responsiblity and although most likely everything would be fine, I don't think our relationship could survive if something happened to the kids during that visit. DH wouldn't want to take the responsibility either.

Unfortunately your circumstances necessitate a visit sooner rather than later, and I think you should go it alone. There is no way you can watch a toddler every minute and still give your grandmother and family the attention needed. Maybe if your grandmother takes a turn for the better, your whole family can go out again after your 2nd child has arrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think your wife is really over-protective, based on your descriptions. I think she has legitimate concerns. You're not talking about a 3 hour drive and a weekend visit.

My DH is a great father and I of course trust him to watch our two kids but I would not let him take them on a trip by himself to visit inlaws. I think it's a lot of responsiblity and although most likely everything would be fine, I don't think our relationship could survive if something happened to the kids during that visit. DH wouldn't want to take the responsibility either.

Unfortunately your circumstances necessitate a visit sooner rather than later, and I think you should go it alone. There is no way you can watch a toddler every minute and still give your grandmother and family the attention needed. Maybe if your grandmother takes a turn for the better, your whole family can go out again after your 2nd child has arrived.

Uh, aren't these his kids too? You would not "let" him? Would he "let" you take your kids to visit your parents? I dont understand how people can be equal parents and put restrictions on one parent taking the kids to see their grandparents, especially in cases where there is no evidence of abuse or some other terrible behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go on the trip. Your wife is in her 3rd trimester.

The wife will be fine. (Pregnant woman here, have been through two previous third trimesters, you don't need a babysitter.) The grandmother is dying; the wife is not.

I *hate* my mother in law, don't particularly like my father-in-law (though I know he usually has good intentions) and cannot trust either of them to look after my kids. They're useless on that front. My FIL in particular wuold think that matches and gasoline would be an interesting thing to show a 3 year old. All this said - if my husband had a dying family member and wanted to take our kids to see that family member, I would not stop him. I would remind him that his parents are not babysitters and can't really be trusted with the kids, so he has to have primary responsibility for them (meaning no leaving kids with grandma and grandpa to run errands). I would be just fine with him taking a shower or using the bathroom - but he also knows enough to say "okay Grandpa, while I take a shower, please just stick here on the sofa with the kids and read a book. No taking them outside to play with fire."

OP's wife needs to calm down. If OP will be responsible for watching the child, there is no reason not to take the child. If OP plans to turn the child over to his parents and go have fun, then the wife's concerns are more valid. But it sounds like she's just way beyond rational thought at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP, you guys are aware that children will not spontaneously combust if left alone in a room with laundry detergent or if they are present when a joke involving choking sounds is told, right? It sounds like you've already realized that (reading between the lines a little but not too much) and possibly your wife will figure it out as well, because helicopter parenting gets a lot harder with two little ones to hover over.

Seriously, either you're describing the incidents poorly or you recognize how seriously wacky your wife's hysteria is. I can understand why she might not love her ILs, and why she may not be thrilled with them having tons of quality time with her precious child. I feel the same way about mine; they bug me on all sorts of levels (justified and probably unjustified on my part) and when I was a new mom to my first, boy did all their anachronisms and "sage advice" make me crazy. But now I am older, grayer, and a parent of two kids, and I realize that first-time mom neurosis is pretty pointless.

Your examples don't substantiate your wife's apparent decision that your parents are unfit to be near your child. Honestly, you really aren't talking about genuine safety issues here. You and your wife need to have a conversation about reasonable expectations and safety precautions, whatever you do on this trip, and find a way to make peace with a world in which no one can ever be 100 percent secure. And fwiw, I'd go on the trip and take your daughter with you. Your wife should try to channel her anxieties into enjoying what I presume will be her last kid-free weekend in a very long time!!

[Anonymous]

So, this is what I struggle with. It’s really difficult and stressful. I’ve actually posted before about my wife and my parents. They both pretty much can’t stand each other. So there’s that (larger) piece, and then obviously the piece with my grandmother and if it's worth fighting my wife on this.

This is almost certainly about your mother disliking your parents and finding a way to get the upper hand. Keeping your children away from the grandparents is a horribly nuclear solution. I promise you at daycare, the provider turns her head. I promise you that YOUR WIFE has made mistakes, has turned her head and your DD has fallen down, scratched her knee, gotten something dangerous in her hands . . . . something.

Your parents sound like nice people, not horrible caregivers who are likely to be inattentive and neglect their grandchild.

Ask your wife how she'd feel if you kept tally of all the mistakes she makes with DD and bring them up repeatedly over and over again. I'd suggest doing it to her a few times, but I don't think that would be constructive.

Is family counseling on this issue an option? Not for your wife and in laws, but for your and your wife? Does she really know how strongly you feel on this issue?

[Anonymous]

I think your wife is not being reasonable about your parents, but now is not the time.

Now IS the time that you need to see a special person in your life who may die. So you need to go no matter what.

Therefore, either you all go together, or you go alone. I think ACOG says you can fly up until 36 weeks if you have a normal pregnancy.

Now to the issue of your wife and your inlaws. I think the two of you are being dishonest in your treatment of these incidents. Can any parent say they have not turned around to see their kid holding/ playing with something potentially dangerous? No. You do the best you can and sometimes things happen. If they haven't, you just wait another year or until your next baby. Bottom line here is that none of us would be qualified as parents if evidence of perfection is required.

I have been in a similar situation, except that it is my wife and her own stepmother. In our case there were some legitimate safety issues because she lived in a farm house. But truthfully, she was using safety as a means to separate the stepmother from DS1. It was the evidence she needed to justify her desire to make a break.

I disagreed with it and we worked through this one over a few years time. At about 15 months, DW went on a week-long work trip and I took DS1 up to the farm for a few days. It went great, and now we go up there regularly because of that and because they are starting to work some things out bit by bit.

I think you all need to fix that, but not today. Your main goal should be to get a last chance to see your grandmother.