Advice? Wife/in law issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, this is what I struggle with. It’s really difficult and stressful. I’ve actually posted before about my wife and my parents. They both pretty much can’t stand each other. So there’s that (larger) piece, and then obviously the piece with my grandmother and if it's worth fighting my wife on this.

This is almost certainly about your mother disliking your parents and finding a way to get the upper hand. Keeping your children away from the grandparents is a horribly nuclear solution. I promise you at daycare, the provider turns her head. I promise you that YOUR WIFE has made mistakes, has turned her head and your DD has fallen down, scratched her knee, gotten something dangerous in her hands . . . . something.

Your parents sound like nice people, not horrible caregivers who are likely to be inattentive and neglect their grandchild.

Ask your wife how she'd feel if you kept tally of all the mistakes she makes with DD and bring them up repeatedly over and over again. I'd suggest doing it to her a few times, but I don't think that would be constructive.

Is family counseling on this issue an option? Not for your wife and in laws, but for your and your wife? Does she really know how strongly you feel on this issue?

Agree. I think she is putting you in an unfair position; how unfortunate to have a spouse pit their supposed beloved against their own parents. Your wife has been the one controlling this situation for more than a year, so now that it's coming to a head while in the third trimester is her own fault. For all of the posters who said not to upset your wife at this delicate or emotional, or she will remember and hold it against you, as a woman I find this very sad, and manipulative.

[Anonymous]

OP: the fact that your wife is in her 3rd trimester is totally irrelevant to this situation. Don't let her or others convince you that it is. She's not making the trip, and it doesn't sound like she would go regardless of her physical condition. In point of fact, unless she's past 37 weeks, she could easily go to Denver. So that's just a red herring.

Nothing you've described sounds like your parents aren't trustworthy. Frankly, I can't stand my in-laws. I'm not sure how they feel about my, but those things tend to be mutual. We've reached some sort of detente'. At this point, DH just takes our boys to visit them, and when they come here, I clear out. Easier on everyone. So it's not like I"m in the "rah rah, must love in-laws" camp. But they are your kids, and the their grandkids, and they have a right to see them, regardless of how your wife feels about your parents, and vice versa.

I'd say go. Explain it to your wife. Go for a brief visit. Tell her how important it is to you, and why. Tell her you'll be extra vigilant. Try to be nice when she blows a gasket, because she will. But go anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. -My wife and I have always presented a united front with my parents. So, no, I would never say, DW is not letting me take DD to see grandmother. We are always united to them.

-In addition to the previous incident, there was something else that happened where my dad was joking with DD. There was a toy and he was joking with a suffocating noise and using the toy—as a joke. We launched on my dad that he can’t do this, and explained to DD that is not OK. Dad realizes he messed up, but thinks it was still just a joke done in jest. I know….this is extreme. But it really did happen. It’s these two incidents that my wife continues to come back to. I’m afraid now that I wrote that, the posters are going to jump on me.

-I have told my parents that I don’t feel great leaving DD alone with them (they kind of refuse to listen), but I’ll bring up past incidents. They say just mistakes, won’t happen again, never malicious, etc. "we would never do a thing to intentionally harm DD, and you truned out great!"

So, this is what I struggle with. It’s really difficult and stressful. I’ve actually posted before about my wife and my parents. They both pretty much can’t stand each other. So there’s that (larger) piece, and then obviously the piece with my grandmother and if it's worth fighting my wife on this.

OP, if you and your wife are a united front, why did you say your parents are disappointed with you for "taking her side?" It sounds like there might be some antagonism there -- not just on your wife's side, but the parents to the wife.

Yes, it's true. If you don't lke someone, it's easier to see and react (overreact?) to their flaws or mistakes. But that does not mean they're not making them.

It's way different for most moms (especially pregnant ones -- at least, me) to leave children at home and to send them off. I'd be uncomfortable about flights, long car drives, and trips away from home without both parents present. That is the way we operate. Camping trips, things like that, are fine for older children, but this is a young toddler. Every family is different, but that would bother me. My MIL and FIL could not be MORE careful, but I still wouldn't want DS to travel without me.

You say your parents know that YOU are stressed out over their lack of safety (united front, you've brought up examples, etc), but yet they still push the issue and say "oh, just mistakes, no malice?" Sounds like you should be pissed at your folks, as much as you're pissed at your wife.

Something is ringing false to me about your post. The way you told that story about your dad doing the choking thing? With the toy? It almost sounded like you're TRYING to find situations in which other posters would find your wife ridiculous. I'm actually not sure I am buying your whole story.

Bottom line -- I'm no svengali so this is just a guess: your wife doesn't like your parents, probably because they're absent-minded, they needle her "oh, you turned my son against me...." and she thinks your oversight of them is half-assed (it sounds like it might be, to me...). I also think you're hurting over your grandmother's illness and that you're making a federal case out of bringing your daughter on a trip when YOU are the one who needs and wants to go see Grandma. You're creating a problem where there is none. DW does not want you to go. It does not sound like your two year old would be in the best situation. And your pregnant wife comes first.

Also for those saying your wife can travel up until 37 weeks, FYI - My OB said no travel after 34 weeks. And flying is not comfortable for many women in their third trimester even if doctor says it's okay (though I personally did travel right up until the cutoff).

Good luck to you whatever you do...but I'm telling you, you need to make your peace, truly, with going alone and then just go, alone.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to add one more thing -- I would be saying the same thing if OP was a woman and her husband was nervous about their two year old traveling without him. This is not a mommy vs. daddy having all the say kind of thing. It's a "both parents need to be comfortable when the child travels away from home" thing.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a practical solution: has your grandmother expressed interest in seeing the child, and it it possible that she really is more interested in you? It wouldn't be that unusual or damnable if an elderly and not well person found the idea of a visit nice, but in reality doesn't actually want the stress of a toddler. And she'd get your full attention - since w/ you DD you'd be fretting the whole time. I have not read the whole thread very carefully (getting long!), so this is just a thought - from your grandmother's point of view.

[Anonymous]

I think you can make your best case but if she really doesn't want you to take DD right now, you shouldn't. But your "best case" should involve a full recognition of danger of past situations and willingness to take full responsibility for your child while you are there. After she has the baby and can fly with you I think it's a different ball of wax. At that point, if she is choosing not to come along, you should be able to go on your own.

Group family situations are very dangerous even when all the adults involved are individually very responsible. We have had a couple of very near disasters (far worse than your detergent story) when visiting my in-laws due to the "everyone thinks someone else is in charge" mentality.

I still "let" my husband take the kids there without me, but there is a long lecture (and a reminder of those past near-misses) every time he goes. If he was not fully cognizant of the situational danger (and did not accept responsibility for those past near-misses) I think I would feel I needed to go along every time. My husband "gets it" and treats my concern as valid and real and that goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Having two boys has given me a new perspective on my relationship with my in-laws. I figure that if I want to have a good relationship with my children when they are older, I should start by example and make sure my husband & I have good relationships with our parents. It has really improved my situation with my in-laws 100%. I actually really enjoy their company now that I have given them a chance! As a side note, the reason I do not leave my children alone with my in-laws is not because I am fearful that my children will be harmed, it is that I am fearful my children will harm my in-laws My in-laws can only handle so much household chaos that, for better or worse, exists in my home. I hope that your second child is a boy so your wife can see things from your parents view.

[Anonymous]

PP here. As I read more, it reminds me of the incident with my grandparents. I guess when I went there for a summer when I was 5, somehow I was accidentally burned with a cigarette - the s%%t hit the fan. In this case, my mother's mom disliked my dad (in all fairness she has given all her son-in-laws a hard time), so when that happened the way the story goes she (grandmother) talked about his family like trash and had a fit. Growing up, I definitely saw more of my mom's family than my dad's family and when we did see my dad's family he would just take us - it wasn't the whole family. Looking back, I don't know much of my mom's concerns were legit - people can be nice people but make poor choices and/or not have the same level of oversight she would have.

I'm not sure what the underlying situation is between your wife and her parents but it seems like if that isn't addressed than as a family it will be hard to move forward and you will always be caught in the middle. One thing I just thought of - do your parents sort of defer to how you do things/your schedule with you DD? For example, if they came over to watch your daughter, would they ask, what do you give her, what not to give her, anything we need to know? I get along with my in-laws but I can tell that my mom was more overprotective than his parents. The fact that they ask questions to make sure something is okay or they know the schedule/rules we have with the girls before DH and I for example would go out to dinner or a movie - went a long way towards helping my worries. DH and I joke about back in the day how we didn't need seatbelts and he remembers being in the station wagon wayback with his brother - no seatbelt. If our parents took the attitude of "oh you turned out okay" and pooh poohed our concerns that would not have helped the relationship. I also recognize that things we thought were okay with our kids will be not okay when our kids have kids and as a grandparent you have to navigate those waters and yes, there may be some more caution with the 1st child than with the other children.

You have to find out from wife "what it would take" for her to feel comfortable with the kids around your parents. Not talking about the incidents of the past, but moving foward. If it was at your house, if it was for a short amount of time, if she saw your parents really trying to take into account your concerns. For everyone's sake, the answer can't be "nothing in the world would make me comfortable enough ..." you have to get to the root cause. And if it is her relationship with them, you will have to figure out how they can at least get to a truce (which may take time), while still letting your child have a relationship with your parents.

[Anonymous]

OP: can you ask your wife to post her side of the story, please? Your second post suggests even more strongly than the first that you may be presenting facts in a manner to garner support for what you hope will be the recommended advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, go by yourself for a short visit.
Leave the child at home.
Your family comes first now.
BTW, if you plan on taking dd, are you prepared to handle the fallout IF something happens?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. No, I can't have my wife post as she doesn't know I posted this.

I'm leaning towards not taking DD as it will result in so much fallout. We had another fight yesterday about this. Not worth it in her current state. It's upsetting as I really would like my grandmother to see DD while she is still in a coherent state, but my wife is my family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A wife here. I think the issue is not whether your wife trusts your parents, it's whether she trusts you, and she has a lot of information to go on, not just that one incident a year ago. So, you can promise not to leave your DD alone, but only if that's realistic. But the focus here should be on the fairness of your DD meeting her family and having a relationship with them. If there are safety issues, it's fair for your wife and you to put some boundaries on that relationship, but unless you want to deprive your child of a good relationship with her grandparents, then I think you should stand firm on taking this trip with her.

Ultimately, nothing will completely alleviate your wife's concerns until you return home safely with DD, without incident. I have had to leave my DD at home with my DH for a couple of short business trips. The first was awful for me, but she was fine and they did great. The second was easier and so on.

Can you do everything possible to make it a short trip, even perhaps while your wife is working (if she works outside the home) so to minimize her time alone in the house without both of you? Take direct flights, get home quickly, etc.

I haven't read all of the responses, but by the number of them I assume this had become a debate of who trust who, etc. Your situation sounds very similar to my household. I am the wife, for reference. I trust my DH with our 2 children, no problem. I have taken many business trips starting when both babies were less than 3 months old. I had no anxiety over the trips at all. Now, when we visit family (both sides live in the same place) I am not comfortable with DH taking them to my ILs by himself. I trust him, but I don't trust his parents or any relatives to keep an eye on them due to experiences with prior grandchildren in the family. They tend to distract him and he gets caught up with "catching up" with everyone and that where I worry things will go wrong. They have a pool and it only takes one time.

So, while pp states that the issue might be of your wife trusting you I don't think that may be the issue at all. When you raise your DC without family around you become used to being the only ones responsible for them. When you are 'home' it's easy to let your guard down thinking family will pitch in with the care taking and that's when I've seen things go wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. No, I can't have my wife post as she doesn't know I posted this.

I'm leaning towards not taking DD as it will result in so much fallout. We had another fight yesterday about this. Not worth it in her current state. It's upsetting as I really would like my grandmother to see DD while she is still in a coherent state, but my wife is my family now.

I'm one of the PP - please think of ways you can still include your grandmother in your daughter's life so it isn't an all or nothing situation. For example, short snippets of your daughter recorded on your phone or camcorder. Short snippets of your grandmother recorded on your phone or camcorder. Have your daughter color a picture for your grandmother etc. I think even short of seeing your daughter, your grandmother can feel more connected to her and feel like someone was doing something special for her. My family lives farther away and I know they like showing off pictures of my daughter, saying - my niece made this for me, having stories to tell etc. with their friends. You and your wife can hopefully work on the underlying situation after she has the 2nd child, but in the meanwhile think of ways your grandmother can feel special and have this connection to your daughter without seeing her face to face.

[Anonymous]

14:24, this is OP, and yes your situation sounds very similar to ours. I'm wondering, and this may sound completely odd, but if you don't mind, I'd really appreciate connecting more on how you handle it with your inlaws. How has your husband handled it? How and what did you communicate to your inlaws? Do they know they can't be trusted with your kids? What happens when they visit? Is it the same with your parents? Would it be possible to connect on email, even with an anonymous email? I'm kind of new to DCUM so not sure of protocol here....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. No, I can't have my wife post as she doesn't know I posted this.

I'm leaning towards not taking DD as it will result in so much fallout. We had another fight yesterday about this. Not worth it in her current state. It's upsetting as I really would like my grandmother to see DD while she is still in a coherent state, but my wife is my family now.

You say you'd like your grandmother to see DD. But - as the earlier poster said - is this for you or your grandmother. What has your grandmother said? Once again, toddlers can be very stressful. So maybe make sure you are really trying to do what is best or meaningful for your grandmother ... vs. winning a power struggle with your wife.