Advice? Wife/in law issues

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else here think OP is pulling our legs, making up a story, or otherwise not telling the whole truth? Why does he want to connect with an anonymous PP by email?

Somethings off to me.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am telling the truth however I have altered minor pieces of story so my wife or her friends don't know this is me. Sorry about wanted to connect with someone that has been in a similar situation. I was just looking for further of advice, to go into specifics, with someone's that's been there. I have talked to a therapist about how to handle wife and my family.

In the end, yes, I think there are legit safety risks with DD and my parents: my mom said she was watching her and then left the room with her and detergent and she was about to get into it before we found her and my dad was showing DD how he could choke himself with a toy as a gag. On my side, I see these more as a stupid thing my dad did and my mom as forgetful, and she is flighty. My wife sees them as unacceptable, that they can't be trusted for 1 minute alone with DD.....hence the current predicament.

[Anonymous]

But isn't the question about visiting *your* grandmother?

[Anonymous]

People: His wife is in her third trimester. She hates his parents. She doesn't trust them alone with HER child. And you want him to take daughter to visit them? And leave wife ALONE? Husband should visit grandma. Bond, love her, bring her flowers. Leave your child out of this war and keep your wife happy. Your wife is MORE IMPORTANT than your parents. Unless, of course, she leaves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People: His wife is in her third trimester. She hates his parents. She doesn't trust them alone with HER child. And you want him to take daughter to visit them? And leave wife ALONE? Husband should visit grandma. Bond, love her, bring her flowers. Leave your child out of this war and keep your wife happy. Your wife is MORE IMPORTANT than your parents. Unless, of course, she leaves you.

So what? So she can't be alone? Please.

[Anonymous]

Gee! OP is convoluting issues, and maybe that is not surprising if he's in the thick of it. Ask Grandma what she wants, and go see her, probably without DC. Don't drag his parents into it. Wife can't possibly object to husband going for a brief visit, and leaving daughter with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:24, this is OP, and yes your situation sounds very similar to ours. I'm wondering, and this may sound completely odd, but if you don't mind, I'd really appreciate connecting more on how you handle it with your inlaws. How has your husband handled it? How and what did you communicate to your inlaws? Do they know they can't be trusted with your kids? What happens when they visit? Is it the same with your parents? Would it be possible to connect on email, even with an anonymous email? I'm kind of new to DCUM so not sure of protocol here....

This is 14:24 - At this point my DHs has realized that, while his parents were good parents, they are not the most responsible grandparents ( in terms of safety). They love our children, but can't be trusted alone with them and it's even hard when there is only one of us. When we visit, we ALWAYS stay with my family (cleaner, safer house with more aware ILs). My DH even admits that it's hard to watch our DC at their house when by himself because you start talking to one person and another one distracts him or our DC and then tends to just walk away (as you said about your mom). The problem I have is that because most of his immediate family lives within a few blocks of ILs the house is filled with relatives the minute we walk in the door (hence the easy distractions).

My DH and I basically sat down and went into detail about what situations I would be uncomfortable with and what I would be okay with. I told him that under no circumstances would DD (and DS now) EVER be alone with them or spend the night until they were MUCH older and could pretty much fend for themselves. I compromised by saying that I would make every honest effort to encourage and support visits from them to our house and to see them as often as we can when we visit our hometown. So, I allow them as much access to our DC without being alone with them.

It took us quite some time to get to this point. I had some pre-existing issues with my ILs and DC made it even more stressful. After a lot of talking though we seem to be on the same page.

I'm not sure whether our ILs know that we don't trust them alone with our DC but I assume it's obvious since we leave them with my parents when we go out alone when home but never do that with them. Then again, since we always stay with my parents it makes logistical sense to leave them with my parents when we go out without our DC so maybe they don't realize it. My mother is very over protective so we don't have any worries when she is watching our DC.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said something about this (DW and DD) being your family now and the priority. I think that is key. A few years ago my DH's grandmother was very ill and had Alzheimer's setting in but I was not pregnant with baby #2 yet so we all went to visit. A few months later, we all were visiting again and she was in the hospital towards the very end. She had an serious infection and we were told that any visitors would need to wear a mask and gloves. That totally freaked me out and as awful as I felt about it I really didn't want him to go. We obviously were not taking DD to the hospital in that situation, but I knew it would be the last time he would see her but he chose not to visit her. He said the welfare of his DD was the most important thing and also worried about the risk of transmission to her (she was an infant).

Also, please keep in mind that your wife may be very emotional and more anxious than normal being in her 3rd trimester with your 2nd. I know there was more anxiety for may anyways worrying about what our family was going to be like with 2 DC. I honestly would say go without your DD to visit your grandmother so you can spend the most quality time with her. Even though she might want to see your DD, the time you spend with Grandma is going to mean more to you in the long run. Your wife will be less stressed about the situation and you can enjoy your visit more instead of constantly calling her to let her know DD is okay.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, there are some odd things here that cause me to be concerned for your well-being. Is the child yours as well as your wife's? If so, you're an equal parent, and in your descriptions of the problem I didn't see much equality. What are your own feelings about the visit?

Have there been other times when your wife's pregnancy or her anxiety have made you change your behavior? Women can be controlling as much as men can, and it doesn't make for a stable marriage.

Maybe you should talk to the therapist?

I am sorry about your grandmother, and hope you have a good visit with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, there are some odd things here that cause me to be concerned for your well-being. Is the child yours as well as your wife's? If so, you're an equal parent, and in your descriptions of the problem I didn't see much equality. What are your own feelings about the visit?

Have there been other times when your wife's pregnancy or her anxiety have made you change your behavior? Women can be controlling as much as men can, and it doesn't make for a stable marriage.

Maybe you should talk to the therapist?

I am sorry about your grandmother, and hope you have a good visit with her.

pp here - while I understand your point about one spouse being more controlling but I have to say that it works differently in each relationship. My ILs always followed the Dad was the final say while Mom slaved away with the house, the kids, and working to make ends meet. She has even told me a few crazy stories about things my FIL did to the kids that really upset her but she let him do it because he was the Dad. Now that is not equality either, but in some situations one person is going to get there way over the other person even with some compromise.

My FIL kicked DH out of the car in a not-very-safe neighborhood (when DH was a pre-teen) for something he said and made him walk home which was miles away. MIL said she was very upset but stood by her husband, even though she thought it was an inappropriate and potentially dangerous punishment. When it became dark and DH still wasn't home she begged FIL to go look for him.

After relaying that story to me when DH and I first got married I promptly told her that I would more likely than not be the biggest mama bear to my kids that she's ever witnessed. I grew up in a house where my mother would have fought to the death to not let harm come to her children. I don't shelter my DC but my DH knew from the get-go that OUR children and OUR family comes above all else when it comes to safety issues and being comfortable with where and with whom our DC are with.

As much as I trust my DH with our DC it took me several years to be comfortable knowing he would stand up to his parents/family to keep true to the ways we protect our DC when we visit them. His dad can be somewhat of a bully and my DH reverted back to taking that when we visited.

Anyways, my point is that even though his wife has stronger opinions and objections to DC's whereabouts doesn't mean there are issues that can't be resolved or that his wife is too controlling. I'm sure OP loves his DD and wants to protect her as much as his wife, but his wife also has a right to be the strongest advocate for her DC and if that means she is uncomfortable with her DD being with the OP alone on this trip then I think the OP needs to respect that.

Sorry if this post is all over the place (like the last one). We have 2 sick cranky children so I can't spend too much time editing my posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: but my wife is my family now.

OP, this is right. And I am so glad to hear you say that.

It sounds to me like you know what you have to do and have made up your mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still reading, I have a somewhat similiar situation and I am the wife.
My MIL left our five month old on a changing table, walked out to the hall closet, and the five month old fell off onto a hardwood floor. We were out to dinner. She got a bad bloody nose and fat lip but luckily was ok other than that. That was not the bad part. The bad part was that my MIL kept it from us. She cleaned everything up, put the baby to sleep (!!!! with possible concussion!!!) and we did not find out about it until our 2.5 year old woke up the next morning and said with great excitement "DADDY! [BABY] rolled off her changing table and fell on the floor and RED BLOOD CAME OUT OF HER NOSE! And she cried and cried and cried!" When we asked him, where was grandma, he told us "she went to get a washcloth." he told the story in great detail to each of us separately, and we knew it was true.
We confronted MIL, who denied it, then we went straight to the peds office, who admonished us for letting her sleep through the night unmonitored, but checked her out and said all was fine. The nose was not broken, just very, very swollen. We confronted her again, she still denied, and they left our home. We did not speak to them for almost six months. I was so angry that they had endangered by baby by lying to us that I could barely stand it. I was not mad about the fall (everyone makes mistakes -- I let my oldest fall of a bed once!) but about the lying.
After six months, they begged, etc, we slowly started talking again. She never brought it up and never admitted it.
DH promised we would never leave them alone with them again. And we didn't -- until recently -- 18 months later. They are 2 and 4 now and we left them alone overnight a few weeks ago. Now that I am writing this I am sort of ashamed we did that, but we reasoned that they would be much more careful now, the kids are bigger and can tell us what happens, they were begging us to have a night with them, they are the only grandkids, etc. We have no other family to help, so I guess we are kind of desperate for help -- maybe too desperate.
Anyway just wanted to tell you that story in hopes that you may be able to find some solace in the fact that you are not alone, and also that families do get past these things.

[Anonymous]

A wife here. My relation with in-laws is strained too (because they started talking trash about me without knowing me) I wouldn't allow my DH to take my 1 y.o. boy with him on such trip.
I'd say go by yourself, but consider your wife and DD need you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are still reading, I have a somewhat similiar situation and I am the wife.
My MIL left our five month old on a changing table, walked out to the hall closet, and the five month old fell off onto a hardwood floor. We were out to dinner. She got a bad bloody nose and fat lip but luckily was ok other than that. That was not the bad part. The bad part was that my MIL kept it from us. She cleaned everything up, put the baby to sleep (!!!! with possible concussion!!!) and we did not find out about it until our 2.5 year old woke up the next morning and said with great excitement "DADDY! [BABY] rolled off her changing table and fell on the floor and RED BLOOD CAME OUT OF HER NOSE! And she cried and cried and cried!" When we asked him, where was grandma, he told us "she went to get a washcloth." he told the story in great detail to each of us separately, and we knew it was true.
We confronted MIL, who denied it, then we went straight to the peds office, who admonished us for letting her sleep through the night unmonitored, but checked her out and said all was fine. The nose was not broken, just very, very swollen. We confronted her again, she still denied, and they left our home. We did not speak to them for almost six months. I was so angry that they had endangered by baby by lying to us that I could barely stand it. I was not mad about the fall (everyone makes mistakes -- I let my oldest fall of a bed once!) but about the lying.
After six months, they begged, etc, we slowly started talking again. She never brought it up and never admitted it.
DH promised we would never leave them alone with them again. And we didn't -- until recently -- 18 months later. They are 2 and 4 now and we left them alone overnight a few weeks ago. Now that I am writing this I am sort of ashamed we did that, but we reasoned that they would be much more careful now, the kids are bigger and can tell us what happens, they were begging us to have a night with them, they are the only grandkids, etc. We have no other family to help, so I guess we are kind of desperate for help -- maybe too desperate.
Anyway just wanted to tell you that story in hopes that you may be able to find some solace in the fact that you are not alone, and also that families do get past these things.

OMG. So how the hell did she explain your baby's bumps and bruises???

[Anonymous]

Look, there are obviously PPs on this board with seriously problematic ILs (I do too, but luckily not about child safety issues.) If my ILs covered up an accident with my infant, as one of the PPs describes, I would go ballistic. But that's NOT the kind of thing that the OP described - the great "safety hazards" he accuses his parents of involve telling a joke with fake choking sounds in front of his toddler, and his mother not removing his toddler from their laundry room after the OP left the room himself. None of this constitutes negligence, abuse or anything close to it. At worst you can say the laundry room incident represented a tiny risk to his child on the presumption that she might have been able to reach the detergent, open it up and drink it .... but that's a pretty far-fetched scenario and in any case the OP is equally at fault since he's the one who left his child there.

So honestly I can't see why any of you think this is grounds for one parent to forbid the other parent from allowing the grandparents to supervise the child while he takes a shower. Frankly it sounds like the OP's wife is totally unreasonable and a control freak. I don't like my ILs a whole lot but I can't imagine trying to destroy my husband's and my children's relationship with them on such ludicrous justification.

And fwiw, I'm with the PPs who say that the wife's pregnancy is not really relevant to whether the OP travels or not, unless she is due next week or has no backup plan for getting to the hospital without her husband (unable to drive, no friends, no phone for 911 etc.) As someone who's been pregnant on more than one occasion I am not in the camp that pregnancy gives me a free pass to a total nutjob toward my family, particularly dying grandparents. But of course maybe my judgment is flawed since I let my super strong and devious toddler wander in and out of my laundry room and have probably also told some inappropriate jokes in front of him as well. Someone better call CPS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you leave your wife, very pregnant, to take your DD on a trip she doesn't want you to go on.... this is the kind of memory that can stew for years. Pregnant ladies aren't always reasonable and even tempered. I don't think I would antagonize your wife.

Your grandma loves you. There are other great grandkids she won't meet (like your unborn child). That's OK.

You should go but don't upset your wife if you don't have to. Now is not the time to have a show down over her trust issues or wahtever. Time enough for that when she is fully recovered from the coming delivery.

Yep, this. Sorry, this is her 3d trimester. Either go alone now or take the trip with DD in a few months (depending on your grandmother's situation).

I agree with the sentiment that your pregnant wife needs to feel secure about DD's safety and you shouldn't take DD. You should go alone, OP. Get wife on board with a warm invitation for your parents to come visit after #2 is born to smooth things over. If you're going to see your grandmother who's not doing so well, that's going to be stressful enough and really not a fun trip for DD. I'm not saying childhood has to be all fun but traveling that far at 2, away from your wife, and leaving your upset pregnant wife--just not worth it.