Advice? Wife/in law issues

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe I'm the lone voice of dissent but it does not seem like you're presenting the entire story to us. You played up the detergent like it was the big issue, but downplayed your role in it (how did you walk away AFTER your mom but not notice it?). I feel like something isn't quite right here. And your parents are "disappointed" with you -- really? -- for "siding" with your wife?

I don't know, but I think there's more to the story.

Even if there is NOT more to the story, I don't know that you can, in good conscience, take your daughter to visit relatives if you know damn well your own wife will be a nervous wreck the whole time. Some people just aren't comfortable being away from their children, and there's nothing wrong with that.

You're making things into this whole her vs. your parents, and I don't know if that's all her doing, part hers and part your parents, or if even you have something to do with it (blaming your mom for your letting your daughter get into something?).

My husband and I have had major fights over child safety -- he isn't careful. He tries to be, but he's not. At least five separate times we've been going somewhere and he has failed to properly click DS's carseat into the base. He doesn't get how serious it would be if we were in an accident and the carseat were not attached to the car. And it's not like he wants something bad to happen or doesn't care about our son, he is just absentminded and no matter how hard he tries to remember to be vigilant, he doesn't.

So maybe your mom is like this? Maybe your wife recognizes it? That is different from (or perhaps in addition to) just not liking her. It's being genuinely worried for her child's safety. So if she's genuinely worried and you force the issue, then she has every right to be very, very upset with you. Do you have the internet? If your daughter stays home with your wife, can you do a skype session with grandma? Can you tell grandma that DD has separation anxiety and doesn't travel well? Has an ear infection? Do you HAVE to tell her (and your parents) that your wife is the one who said no? (Because that's not going to help their relationship...)

A final piece of advice, take it for what it is worth. Both you AND your wife need to be talking through these things and presenting a united front. It should not be obvious to your parents that you are taking your wife's "side," because you should be acting and speaking in unison. If one of you is frightened of lackadaisical grandparents, you both should be.

That said, you and your wife need to talk about ways she can be kinder to your parents, for your sake and that of your children. I DO think you're in a tough position, and I DO think you need to work something out with your wife, but I don't think it's fair to lay this on her like it's her fault after a whole year has passed, and suddenly you are going to take your child into a situation she thinks is dangerous while she's too pregnant to supervise, etc. Doesn't seem fair to me.

[Anonymous]

Do you trust your parents alone with your child?

The one incident you cited - it sounds like you were as much as fault as your parents. But, maybe you were telling it to make your parents look good? Or maybe there were more things? I think the real thing is do you trust your parents...with the life of your child? Be honest. If the answer is no, then don't take the child. There will be pressure on you to leave the child alone. If there is any hint that they are just incapable, don't take the child without your wife (because it's much easier for the wife to be "bad parent).

If you truly just think these are little incidents and your child would be perfectly safe, then talk to your wife. Explain how you will handle the trip to ensure the saftey of your child. Maybe you could make a list of dos and dont's (that both you and your parents will follow). Maybe you will call and check in every so many hours (or even every hour - the poor woman is in her third trimester!) Could any of your siblings (if you have any) plan a trip at the same time?

Good luck to you. I know my husband and I have struggled with his parents - as they have pushed for time alone with their grandchild and they simply cannot be trusted (mentally not competent). But we still do everything possible to make sure they have time with our son. My SIL often takes on the role of "watchdog" to make sure my son is safe, but that the grandparents don't feel like we are hovering.

[Anonymous]

I agree with most of the posters that the issue is really between your wife and you. And, I think you should go with your daughter.

My friend's MIL was terrible to her. MIL came to visit and my friend kicked her out of the house, for a very good reason. Husband was very supportive of my friend, and they worked out a situation where he would take their only daughter to visit his parents one weekend a month. I thought that was so giving and generous on my friend's part and she tried to look positively on it: my daughter is spending time with her grandparents, my not being there isn't causing stress, and i have some free time now to do my stuff.

Fast forward about 18 months they all are now regularly getting along in peace once friend had second kid. I think it all stemmed from everyone involved being understanding and patient. The MIL was thankful that my friend didn't refuse her seeing her grandkid and finally gave my friend some due credit. It's not all rosy, but they've found a workable solution.

I can't believe the one poster who said she would never walk away from her toddler, that's impossible. Things happen, and have even when dh and I have been in the same room with our kids.

One suggestion I have for family gatherings though is not to assume that "someone" is watching the kid. My dh and I when we're with family (or out) tell each other who is watching whom. "You've got that one, I'll take this one." And, we will also specifically ask a family member to watch kid, "hey jane, can you keep an eye out for johnny while I go inside to make the rice" and then always follow up with a "thanks" to let them know when they're off duty so they don't slack off.

I left my kids twice this year for 10 days with my dh, and babysitting help after school, while I went to care for my sick mom. I couldn't have cared for her with them around and she couldn't be near any germs (so I didn't want to worry that my kids would pass something on). A number of my friends shocked me by saying they could never leave their kids with their husbands! I thought that was crazy, and I also feel like with that attitude they were just enabling their spouse to be bumbling dads. Don't fall into that trap! Now my kids certainly didn't look their best, and probably consumed more junk food and t.v. than I like, but I have absolute faith my dh can protect them as well as I can.

I think it's great you're checking in here. Ask your wife if there's anything special your dd needs, promise that you'll call every night (and do it!), keep your cell near, and have a good time with two special females in your life.

[Anonymous]

PP, it's not that I would not trust my husband with my child, it's that I would MISS my child too much, and would worry about both of them. My husband will not go away from home on trips without us either. We're just not the kind of family where one parents takes the child on an out of town trip without the other one. Pretty normal, I think, and nothing bumbling about that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I could have said it any better than 22:44. Coming from a situation where my mom was probably overprotective, there isn't a situation where I could say "oh well, kids will be kids" and brush off my 1 year old getting into detergent. I'm not saying accidents don't happen, but my DH knows how I am, and for example when I saw the windshield wiper fluid out in the front hall (and my youngest was almost 4), he knew if he didn't move it I would. On the other hand, there are things that I probably would be overprotective about - that he takes the lead and I recognize it as being a good thing. For example, having the kids helping him in the kitchen making cookies. My natural inclination is to have the kids as far away from the stove as possible, but my trust in DH comes both from the fact that he doesn't brush off my concerns and when I peek in I see he moves the kids away when he is actually opening the oven to put something in. That gives me confidence to see - you can be a little more laid back but still making sure the kids are safe.

I agree with everyone that mentioned bigger underlying issues. My parents divorced and I remember vividly the fights over what we were allowed to do. My dad felt he had no say in anything. I saw they had a big difference in child rearing. The sad thing was that I could see the value in both approaches and wished they worked together and balanced each other out instead of undercutting each other and looking at the other person as being too fill in the blank. So when you described this situation - I tried to picture myself as being your wife and I have to say taking your daughter when your wife can't travel and there have already been issues in the past - can we say throwing gasoline on the situation. The only way it would happen is if I could be there - and if that meant taking a train or driving because I couldn't fly because I was in my X trimester - so be it. In what would be a very emotional situation with your grandmother, and a trip where I would assume she would be your focus, I would be worried about you being able to also focus on a toddler - and since you say your wife can't feel like her in-laws would be just as responsible in watching your daughter as she would - it is a tough situation. At this point if the true thing you want to do is have a connection between your grandmother and daughter and not make it the showdown at the OK Corral with your wife - try to think of other things you can do. Can you use a camcorder and make videos of your daughter for her and of her for your daughter? I know my 5 year old is interested in where her family comes and we are actually talking about a making a small family tree this weekend. I wish I had asked my great-grandmother more questions and had something written down so I could share that connection with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

I'm on board with 21:16, for vote counting.

[Anonymous]

You are the daddy. She trusts you, yes? It is important that you visit your grandmother -- very important. Call every morning and every night to calm your wife's nerves.

Enjoy yourself. And tell your wife how much you lovelovelove her, and appreciate so much that you worry about the safety of your DD. You would never violate her trust in you by leaving your DD alone with your parents. XOXO etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, it's not that I would not trust my husband with my child, it's that I would MISS my child too much, and would worry about both of them. My husband will not go away from home on trips without us either. We're just not the kind of family where one parents takes the child on an out of town trip without the other one. Pretty normal, I think, and nothing bumbling about that.

If you would "worry about both of them," then it doesn’t seem like you can trust your husband. I MISSED my kids, but wasn’t ever worried about them. Besides, leaving them in that situation was a good reminder that the world doesn’t revolve around them--or their mother. Why not let him take the kid(s), say camping for the weekend? Plenty of families do this and are also quite normal.

Ladies, if you won’t let your husband and kid visit a dying aunt or wouldn’t leave your own kids to care for your own dying mother, you are ensuring that your offspring will treat you (or marry someone who will treat you) in exactly the same manner.

[Anonymous]

I think at least OP should go visit grandma. Not sure you should bring your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Bring your daughter. Your wife needs to trust you. You should be equal parents and I am fairly sure that if DW wanted to take DD away to see her family and you couldnt go, this would not be an issue.

If DW doesnt want to spend time with your family, she doesnt have to (although that is a post unto itself), but you and your daughter can and should maintain a relationship with them. You might have described someone a little carless, but if they are good people and love you and DD, it is a terrible thing to keep them apart.

[Anonymous]

If you leave your wife, very pregnant, to take your DD on a trip she doesn't want you to go on.... this is the kind of memory that can stew for years. Pregnant ladies aren't always reasonable and even tempered. I don't think I would antagonize your wife.

Your grandma loves you. There are other great grandkids she won't meet (like your unborn child). That's OK.

You should go but don't upset your wife if you don't have to. Now is not the time to have a show down over her trust issues or wahtever. Time enough for that when she is fully recovered from the coming delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you leave your wife, very pregnant, to take your DD on a trip she doesn't want you to go on.... this is the kind of memory that can stew for years. Pregnant ladies aren't always reasonable and even tempered. I don't think I would antagonize your wife.

Your grandma loves you. There are other great grandkids she won't meet (like your unborn child). That's OK.

You should go but don't upset your wife if you don't have to. Now is not the time to have a show down over her trust issues or wahtever. Time enough for that when she is fully recovered from the coming delivery.

Yep, this. Sorry, this is her 3d trimester. Either go alone now or take the trip with DD in a few months (depending on your grandmother's situation).

[Anonymous]

Your wife is a little over the top. Take your daughter. There are so many cool things to do with a 2 year old in Denver (we live in Colo Springs now)--just plan your days so you're not sitting around the house. Fly on Frontier--they're great with kids.

As far as the detergent episode--this stuff happens. It's unreasonable to expect people who don't have small children in their house on a regular basis to have everything childproofed.

With another baby coming, your wife is going to need to learn to relax a little bit.

[Anonymous]

You need to get some perspective on this situation. I have relatives who have been accused of sexually abusing children in the family. They have not and will not ever have any contact with my children. But I would never, ever withhold my children from my or my husband's parents for the kind of incidents you described.

It sounds like your wife is a bit controlling and is using these incidents as an excuse to cut your parents out of your family's life.

As the mother of two boys, I'd be crushed if my sons did this to me over the kind of total non-issues you described. If the worst thing your mother did was walk away for a second while doing laundry, and you think this is appropriate . . . wow. Just wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and I have had major fights over child safety -- he isn't careful. He tries to be, but he's not. At least five separate times we've been going somewhere and he has failed to properly click DS's carseat into the base. He doesn't get how serious it would be if we were in an accident and the carseat were not attached to the car. And it's not like he wants something bad to happen or doesn't care about our son, he is just absentminded and no matter how hard he tries to remember to be vigilant, he doesn't.

So maybe your mom is like this? Maybe your wife recognizes it? That is different from (or perhaps in addition to) just not liking her. It's being genuinely worried for her child's safety. So if she's genuinely worried and you force the issue, then she has every right to be very, very upset with you. Do you have the internet? If your daughter stays home with your wife, can you do a skype session with grandma? Can you tell grandma that DD has separation anxiety and doesn't travel well? Has an ear infection? Do you HAVE to tell her (and your parents) that your wife is the one who said no? (Because that's not going to help their relationship...)

A final piece of advice, take it for what it is worth. Both you AND your wife need to be talking through these things and presenting a united front. It should not be obvious to your parents that you are taking your wife's "side," because you should be acting and speaking in unison. If one of you is frightened of lackadaisical grandparents, you both should be.

Exactly what I think.