If a friend confided in you that they were being abused by their spouse what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Friend is not interested in leaving their spouse at this time. I have to say I'm in shock because I never would have suspected a thing, they've been together nearly 20 years and seem like the perfect couple. Of course, I believe my friend. I'm just at a loss for what I should do especially since they don't want to leave. I'm also a little confused as to why they would tell me this if they didn't want to leave or want me to do anything specifically.

[Anonymous]

Document what you were told and when.

Set up a code message she can send if really in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Are there kids in the house ? How old are they? Are they witnessing this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Document what you were told and when.

Set up a code message she can send if really in trouble.

+1 send her an email with anything she said has happened in the past approximate dates. Tell her you are there for her if it gets bad. The record will be really important if it does and she decides to leave.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Document what you were told and when.

Set up a code message she can send if really in trouble.

+1 send her an email with anything she said has happened in the past approximate dates. Tell her you are there for her if it gets bad. The record will be really important if it does and she decides to leave.

Uhhh, don't do this without her permission. Send it to yourself. He could read her emails.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, don’t send the email to HER!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Document what you were told and when.

Set up a code message she can send if really in trouble.

+1 send her an email with anything she said has happened in the past approximate dates. Tell her you are there for her if it gets bad. The record will be really important if it does and she decides to leave.

Uhhh, don't do this without her permission. Send it to yourself. He could read her emails.

Yeah, that was terrible advice. Send the email to yourself. But it is a good idea to document it. You can also offer to keep copies of important documents, cash and a go bag at your house so that if she feels she needs to leave suddenly, she can.
Also, is the abuse emotional or physical? I would be more nervous about escalation in the latter.

[Anonymous]

I would work very hard to insert myself as a support for her. She is telling you now because things are getting bad. Be a buffer and document but to NOT send it to her. If spouse is abusive they are controlling too. Get her away from home when uou can. Say you need her to drive you to medical or something critical. When you’re away - give her reaources. Offer a therapy session with a domestic. Abuse advocate; talk to a criminal lawyer about what leaving what look like.

Settle the unanswered questions in her head about what transition from daily terror to peace would look like. Remember she is vulnerable and likely codependent so it’s not some easy fix but a process of self awareness on her end too. Try to take up something where you get her away regularly — soul cycle? racquetball? Body pump classes? Helping you get through a (manufactured) crisis? Get her away, get her relief.

And just be there for her, no matter what.


I’m an abuse survivor and these were things that helped me. You’re a good friend for asking.

Also — yes please document everything on your own. Separate account on paper whatever. Have it available should ish hit the fan and documentation be required to validate events + sworn testimony.

Last, don’t pull away from her if she goes back and forth. I did this a few times and it meant the world that I had a friend pretending things were normal while we talked about the oscars — when deep down I was screaming.

[Anonymous]

Give her a throwaway phone and make appointments for her to speak with domestic abuse advocates. Let her know she has room at your home for 6 months even if it means a pallet on the floor. Let her know she had a choice, and she is not alone.

Encourage her. Send her songs. Remind her of her strengths


Pray for her.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you what definitely not to do. Don’t start running around telling all the mutual friends that it’s the abused person’s choice, and they are obviously never gonna leave, so no one should bother to do anything. Happened to me 15 years ago, still hurts.

Support your friend. First of all, try to spend some time with her regularly to keep a tiny sliver of normalcy in her life. Then try to understand her situation and what she is thinking. It’s possible she is not leaving because she doesn’t see how she can do it. That may be objective or subjective- look up some resources to point her a way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you what definitely not to do. Don’t start running around telling all the mutual friends that it’s the abused person’s choice, and they are obviously never gonna leave, so no one should bother to do anything. Happened to me 15 years ago, still hurts.

Support your friend. First of all, try to spend some time with her regularly to keep a tiny sliver of normalcy in her life. Then try to understand her situation and what she is thinking. It’s possible she is not leaving because she doesn’t see how she can do it. That may be objective or subjective- look up some resources to point her a way out.

Different survivor PP and my heart goes out to you. I hope your healing is full despite the former betrayals of duty, and that a warm energy is always surrounding your path. You gave excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Document what you were told and when.

Set up a code message she can send if really in trouble.

+1 send her an email with anything she said has happened in the past approximate dates. Tell her you are there for her if it gets bad. The record will be really important if it does and she decides to leave.

Uhhh, don't do this without her permission. Send it to yourself. He could read her emails.

Exactly. Jesus. What an awful suggestion.

[Anonymous]

It would depend on the nature of the abuse, OP.

Many things can constitute abuse, but some can be managed long-term, whereas others are more dire.