If a friend confided in you that they were being abused by their spouse what would you do?

[Anonymous]

If I reported to my DH about one of my friends DH harming them DH would go shank him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

PP. I would report it. Someone has to.

DP
Right, but you do realize "mandated reporter" is a specific legal term that comes with enforceable legal responsibilities, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the people saying to report it. What are they suggesting—you call 911? They won’t do anything except tell you to tell your friend to make a report. If they did make a call to the house, it would likely just increase the danger to your friend.
If your friend is a teen or if the kids are being hit, that’s different.

I am PP who is a mandated reporter. I would report it to county DSS.

There are resources in every county, every state, for women who are in immediate danger in their current homes.

Yes, but we are asking about the legal basis for the "mandated" part of the claim. You can encourage people to report, or say that you would, without claiming "mandated" status. That isn't a thing for non-disabled and non-elderly people without children, and children haven't been mentioned in this.

[Anonymous]

^^or what am I missing here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

PP. I would report it. Someone has to.

DP
Right, but you do realize "mandated reporter" is a specific legal term that comes with enforceable legal responsibilities, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the people saying to report it. What are they suggesting—you call 911? They won’t do anything except tell you to tell your friend to make a report. If they did make a call to the house, it would likely just increase the danger to your friend.
If your friend is a teen or if the kids are being hit, that’s different.

I am PP who is a mandated reporter. I would report it to county DSS.

There are resources in every county, every state, for women who are in immediate danger in their current homes.

Yes, but we are asking about the legal basis for the "mandated" part of the claim. You can encourage people to report, or say that you would, without claiming "mandated" status. That isn't a thing for non-disabled and non-elderly people without children, and children haven't been mentioned in this.

I don’t think you can “report” abuse on an able bodied sound minded adult is a thing- unless it was something you witnessed. Otherwise, the only thing the police can/will do, maybe, is to make a wellness check or call her. But they probably won’t even do that. Saying my friend said her husband has hit her before...is very vague and they will likely not follow up at all.

The only thing you can do is offer her support, tell her if she ever needs a safe place or help filing a restraining order, you will help.

[Anonymous]

Op here thank you everyone for your advice. I don't think I want to call the police yet. I don't know I feel like that would be breaking their trust. I think I'm going to go the route of keeping track of what I'm told, being a mom judgmental ear, and I might suggest the code thing. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

PP. I would report it. Someone has to.

DP
Right, but you do realize "mandated reporter" is a specific legal term that comes with enforceable legal responsibilities, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the people saying to report it. What are they suggesting—you call 911? They won’t do anything except tell you to tell your friend to make a report. If they did make a call to the house, it would likely just increase the danger to your friend.
If your friend is a teen or if the kids are being hit, that’s different.

I am PP who is a mandated reporter. I would report it to county DSS.

There are resources in every county, every state, for women who are in immediate danger in their current homes.

Yes, but we are asking about the legal basis for the "mandated" part of the claim. You can encourage people to report, or say that you would, without claiming "mandated" status. That isn't a thing for non-disabled and non-elderly people without children, and children haven't been mentioned in this.

I don’t think you can “report” abuse on an able bodied sound minded adult is a thing- unless it was something you witnessed. Otherwise, the only thing the police can/will do, maybe, is to make a wellness check or call her. But they probably won’t even do that. Saying my friend said her husband has hit her before...is very vague and they will likely not follow up at all.

The only thing you can do is offer her support, tell her if she ever needs a safe place or help filing a restraining order, you will help.

You can report anything you want. The report may not be recorded, but sure, e.g., you can call the police and ask to report a crime, including domestic abuse.

Whether or not you are a "mandated" reporter is not up to you, though -- it's a legislated thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, one, you're a good friend. Thank you for being an ear for this person. Two, it's not an easy thing to hear, and it's hard to watch once you know about it. Make sure you aren't alone and share this with YOUR safe place (therapist, another close friend, etc.).

Having been in an abusive relationship, I can tell you that leaving is not simple. And I can also tell you that saying the thing out loud to a friend is a big step in a very non-linear journey. It's very easy to feel isolated and/or crazy in that situation. Having another person tell you that it's not your imagination, things are f**ked up, can be helpful in getting out of that mindset. I know i needed that reflected back to me in order to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, one, you're a good friend. Thank you for being an ear for this person. Two, it's not an easy thing to hear, and it's hard to watch once you know about it. Make sure you aren't alone and share this with YOUR safe place (therapist, another close friend, etc.).

Having been in an abusive relationship, I can tell you that leaving is not simple. And I can also tell you that saying the thing out loud to a friend is a big step in a very non-linear journey. It's very easy to feel isolated and/or crazy in that situation. Having another person tell you that it's not your imagination, things are f**ked up, can be helpful in getting out of that mindset. I know i needed that reflected back to me in order to leave.

OMG, yes, it's part of the crazy-making. To hear someone else say that behavior is abusive is very helpful, especially if it is verbal or emotional abuse. I knew that being hit was abusive, but I didn't understand that the lying, punching a wall, telling me something is wrong with ME, etc. was emotional and verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would error on the side of caution and report. The covered of not doing anything could get someone seriously injured or killed. If your friend cuts you off for reporting that’s her problem. You do the right thing.

You are a lunatic. Literally nothing good can come from this. She didn’t witness anything. They only think it would do is put a target on her friend’s back for telling someone. How thoughtless can you be???? You think the police are going to say, “well, your wife’s friend believes she is in danger and you’d better stop abusing her or else!” And then husband is gonna think, “oh, wow, cops came over. If better get therapy for my anger management issues and start respecting my spouse!”

What is wrong with you??!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

PP. I would report it. Someone has to.

Op again, ut where would I report it to. I didn't witness anything. I don't even have exact details of when anything happened like dates or anything. I'm also worried that if I were to report, my friend would find out and cut me out of their life.

Document. Email specifics to yourself.

I saw signs of abuse between my friend and her DH. Her DH saw the look on my face and forced her to cut me out of her life.

And I only had a surprised expression for a few seconds. He made her cut off her family too.

It’s so sad but there is nothing to be done but to let them know that you are there for them when it’s appropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in this situation right now and I can tell you that it is a big step for your friend to have done this and you can make a BIG, but impact by staying her friend and showing that you do not think less of her right now. For me, one of the hardest things was being honest with my therapist that I am sometimes genuinely afraid of my husband (though he has never hit me, but he flies into screaming rages often and he has guns in the house, so the thought of family annihilation has occurred to me often.) Is was SO clear that she immoderately lost respect for me and was disgusted that I did not immediately leave him, not understanding how leaving him would immediately endanger me and my child. I was so full of shame and her obvious incredulity and disgust has made it so much worse. I haven’t dared tell a friend.

The isolation is the hardest thing, being so alone in this. Just please be her friend. Please don’t pull back. Others, except those who say report this or email her a summary, have given good advice. She is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Encourage her to go to a domestic violence services org. The Family Justice Center in Rockville will help her create a safety plan. She doesn’t have to report to the police, but can just get suggestions on how to stay safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in this situation right now and I can tell you that it is a big step for your friend to have done this and you can make a BIG, but impact by staying her friend and showing that you do not think less of her right now. For me, one of the hardest things was being honest with my therapist that I am sometimes genuinely afraid of my husband (though he has never hit me, but he flies into screaming rages often and he has guns in the house, so the thought of family annihilation has occurred to me often.) Is was SO clear that she immoderately lost respect for me and was disgusted that I did not immediately leave him, not understanding how leaving him would immediately endanger me and my child. I was so full of shame and her obvious incredulity and disgust has made it so much worse. I haven’t dared tell a friend.

The isolation is the hardest thing, being so alone in this. Just please be her friend. Please don’t pull back. Others, except those who say report this or email her a summary, have given good advice. She is lucky to have you.

+100. DP.

[Anonymous]

Would point her to resources (show on my computer to her when we meet) and honestly ghost her. I don't want drama in my life, and saying they are abused but not leaving is the definition of drama!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in this situation right now and I can tell you that it is a big step for your friend to have done this and you can make a BIG, but impact by staying her friend and showing that you do not think less of her right now. For me, one of the hardest things was being honest with my therapist that I am sometimes genuinely afraid of my husband (though he has never hit me, but he flies into screaming rages often and he has guns in the house, so the thought of family annihilation has occurred to me often.) Is was SO clear that she immoderately lost respect for me and was disgusted that I did not immediately leave him, not understanding how leaving him would immediately endanger me and my child. I was so full of shame and her obvious incredulity and disgust has made it so much worse. I haven’t dared tell a friend.

The isolation is the hardest thing, being so alone in this. Just please be her friend. Please don’t pull back. Others, except those who say report this or email her a summary, have given good advice. She is lucky to have you.

Your therapist sucks. Find a good one. But it's not a friend's job to be in the midst of your potentially dangerous situation. Please get professional help and leave your friends out of this as much as you can.