Please share the "talk" you had with your DD about dating age, boundaries, expectations

[Anonymous]

DD is 13 and is generally silent but has a wild side and has a rash personality. I am worried that I am not setting the right boundaries and expectations because I've been too laissez-faire up until now and that's biting me in the butt.

I was hoping those with older teen girls can share the talk they had with their tweens/teens about excpectaions and boundaries on dating, ages, what's appropriate, and what's not.
Details, please. I keep getting advice on having the "talk" but I am lost here.
Do we say crushes are okay (since it's a feeling) but dating is not until a certain age (because that's an action)?????
I know you cant enforce sometimes, but what do you think worked for you? Do you warn them about the consequences? Do you talk to them about not getting sexually active until a certain age?

[Anonymous]

This is a big complex question too important and complicated to fully agree discuss on this thread. Please please please read this book! It will make your life so much better.


https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/dp/0553393073

[Anonymous]

It wasn’t a single “talk about dating” but it started with attention to respecting your own body and other peoples bodies from an early age. When we hit the age of texting boys and first dates and all that started I definitely paid close attention to what was going on (yes I did check her phone in those days just to know what she was dealing with). I never set any arbitrary rules about when she could date etc. but kind of followed her lead on what she seemed ready for and kept an eye on things to make sure it seemed safe and reasonable. When it didn’t seem safe and reasonable (e.g. she was a freshman and someone who was interested in her and had just gotten his drivers license one day before wanted to come pick her up) I stepped in and set limits. I think when it comes to this stuff it’s really important to not try and over manager over control their lives, because you really risk driving them under ground and putting themselves at risk for all kinds of problems. Some kids date earlier than others, you want them to be safe, you want them to respect themselves, focus on the big picture.

[Anonymous]

I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Omg, how embarrassing for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Omg, how embarrassing for your child.

Those women were very rude to insert themselves into your conversation. Not also maybe that talk would have been best at home

[Anonymous]

Op, there are going to be lots of talks. Or should be. It's about where she is now. You'll have to be very in-tune with what she is living now. Too far in advance, she won't hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Omg, how embarrassing for your child.

Not PP, but that really depends on the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Omg, how embarrassing for your child.

PP. Hopefully neither you nor your daughter was embarrassed by the other ladies clapping, because they do so in solidarity and agreement to what you were saying. Which is exactly what you women need. And I’m clapping for you now well after the fact.

[Anonymous]

At 13, I would be sure to include a conversation about sending or posting selfies. I'm astounded at how big a piece of "dating" and "pre-dating/flirting" that is. According to my DD (also 13), most of the kids who call each other their boyfriend/girlfriend connect almost exclusively on-line instead of IRL. Some of that is because of Covid, but my sense is that it was a big part of things even last year.

We've talked a lot about being careful about the pictures of herself she shares with others, including her BFFs -- not just boys -- and we drew a hard line about not sharing photos of herself in a bathing suit or sports bra. (We'll review the "bathing suit" thing this summer, but for now there's NO REASON to do that.) We also talked about the fact that boys may ask for more revealing or "sexy" pictures, and she should always refuse at this age. We talked about why (including the obvious fact that things circulate quickly . . . but it needed to be said) and I shared some real life examples of things that happened in our town and others re suggestive (or worse) pictures and videos.

Here's one of the standards I threw out there for her to use when sharing pics of herself: Would you want Grandma and Grandpa to see it? Would you want their friends to receive it from their grandkids and then forward it on to them? She seemed to get that (and it gave us an opening to talk about "sexy" poses and facial expressions. It's a thing at their age. Ugh. We'll see . . . . )

Finally, keep an eye out for Snapchat because pics of course disappear after the recipient opens them (but not before they've had a chance to screenshot it.) In DD's school, literally everyone in the various social circles use it instead of "regular" texts. It's challenging because of course we can't monitor it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Creepy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

So you were performing for the whole restaurant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

So you were performing for the whole restaurant?

Just stop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Leave it to DCUM to take something good and make nasty comments about it. (See PPs above this). I think that was well done, and I'm clapping very belatedly. This is pretty close to the same conversation I had with my sons, plus the insertion of a few things like "oral sex goes both ways, can't expect to receive what you don't give" and all the usual about no means no and boundaries, etc.

Also not to be in a rush in any relationship, because you can't unwind. Take your time. He's a college junior and still tends to follow the advice. (As far as he seems to be telling me, which seems to be a lot).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Omg, how embarrassing for your child.

PP. Hopefully neither you nor your daughter was embarrassed by the other ladies clapping, because they do so in solidarity and agreement to what you were saying. Which is exactly what you women need. And I’m clapping for you now well after the fact.

Thank you, PP. It seems you were one of two who got the point of the story. Our daughter wasn’t embarrassed at all. She was the one who asked about the subject straight out in the restaurant. She was relieved. And the ladies were clapping in solidarity. And as the years passed, our daughter quoted me a couple of times here and there when the subject of sex came up between she and her friends.