Please share the "talk" you had with your DD about dating age, boundaries, expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a college age daughter now. Sometime in late middle school or early high school, she asked us something about sex and it was like someone told me it didn’t feel good. My husband valiantly waded in with explanations about what boys are thinking about. And I followed up by saying basically, sex is *always* for you too. If it hurts, stop and figure out why. If your partner doesn’t care that sex feels good to you, stop having sex with them, that won’t change. If you don’t want to do something that someone really likes or wants you don’t ever have to, but they also don’t have to do something you really like if they don’t want to (I did get a like what question here - so I responded with oral or anal sex). I went on for a while and I closed with, “just remember when the time is right for you to have sex, it is *ALWAYS* for you too.”

We were in a restaurant and two women at a nearby table clapped.

Omg, how embarrassing for your child.

PP. Hopefully neither you nor your daughter was embarrassed by the other ladies clapping, because they do so in solidarity and agreement to what you were saying. Which is exactly what you women need. And I’m clapping for you now well after the fact.

Thank you, PP. It seems you were one of two who got the point of the story. Our daughter wasn’t embarrassed at all. She was the one who asked about the subject straight out in the restaurant. She was relieved. And the ladies were clapping in solidarity. And as the years passed, our daughter quoted me a couple of times here and there when the subject of sex came up between she and her friends.

Those who think you should just talk about this stuff behind closed doors at home are going to miss the opportunities. You talke about it when it comes up in conversaton. As your kids get older, those opportunities may be rare-- you don't skip one and then later awkwardly bring up the topic at home.

[Anonymous]

Agree. It’s not one conversation- you take advantage of when they are willing to talk. We talk a lot about consent, the dangers of drinking/blacking out, looking after friends at parties, how sex should be for them and not just something to make a guy happy, that if you can’t walk talk about sexual with your partner that means you aren’t ready, condoms aren’t enough- TWO forms of BC always, once you have sex with someone you don’t have to do it again, etc. In felt a big need to get all my “wisdom” (that my kids roll their eyes about), in discussion especially before they go off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn’t a single “talk about dating” but it started with attention to respecting your own body and other peoples bodies from an early age. When we hit the age of texting boys and first dates and all that started I definitely paid close attention to what was going on (yes I did check her phone in those days just to know what she was dealing with). I never set any arbitrary rules about when she could date etc. but kind of followed her lead on what she seemed ready for and kept an eye on things to make sure it seemed safe and reasonable. When it didn’t seem safe and reasonable (e.g. she was a freshman and someone who was interested in her and had just gotten his drivers license one day before wanted to come pick her up) I stepped in and set limits. I think when it comes to this stuff it’s really important to not try and over manager over control their lives, because you really risk driving them under ground and putting themselves at risk for all kinds of problems. Some kids date earlier than others, you want them to be safe, you want them to respect themselves, focus on the big picture.

You sound like a good mom.

[Anonymous]

My daughter started dating at 15. I didn't tell her anything specifically, but I did share with her stories of my boyfriends. Why I was attracted to them, why we broke up (and how I made the decision to break up with them, or how they broke up with me.)

[Anonymous]

I bookmarked this thread awhile ago - especially the great stuff from 16:41 on page 2.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/923198.page

[Anonymous]

One thing I'll add that I didn't see mentioned is lots of discussion about how to pick a good boyfriend/girlfriend and later life partner. I have a DS, but we talk a lot about dating girls who are kind and respectful and can communicate well and not play games and make good decisions. We talk about how he shouldn't consider sex with anyone that he can't discuss birth control and sex with, and with anyone he doesn't know well enough to care about. (I tie this to consent and how there are less likely to be any issues regarding consent if he has sex with someone that he's dating and he knows well and cares about, and they've had these conversations, and are sober.) We also watch a lot of shows together and discuss the various characters and relationships and what we think is healthy and not healthy. (The Secret Life of the American Teenager is a good one for this.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I'll add that I didn't see mentioned is lots of discussion about how to pick a good boyfriend/girlfriend and later life partner. I have a DS, but we talk a lot about dating girls who are kind and respectful and can communicate well and not play games and make good decisions. We talk about how he shouldn't consider sex with anyone that he can't discuss birth control and sex with, and with anyone he doesn't know well enough to care about. (I tie this to consent and how there are less likely to be any issues regarding consent if he has sex with someone that he's dating and he knows well and cares about, and they've had these conversations, and are sober.) We also watch a lot of shows together and discuss the various characters and relationships and what we think is healthy and not healthy. (The Secret Life of the American Teenager is a good one for this.)

According to DC and their friends this is very difficult to find in the tween/teen years.