What purpose does this silent treatment serve?

[Anonymous]

I’d say twice a year my mom will pull this silent treatment with me, usually after I say something she doesn’t want to hear. She proceeds to ignore any texts or calls. She lives with my dad but he is hard of hearing and disabled, so she pretty much anticipates my daily phone call to check in, if not just to talk to another adult, so I know this silent treatment has to bother her more than it does me, because honestly, it’s a welcomed break. When I notice the pattern I always send text telling her I will give her her space. Eventually she will call and shift the blame on me telling me she misses talking and doesn’t want to have this distance between us (that she put there in the first place.) It’s happening now and I’m sitting here laughing as I contemplate how long she will suffer with the silence before she breaks and calls me. I’d love to know what the purpose of these types of silent treatments are, does anyone have insight?

[Anonymous]

It’s manipulation, gaslighting and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s manipulation, gaslighting and abuse.

But she accomplishes none of those things. I see exactly what she’s doing, she’s not fooling anyone. I know she’s sitting there hoping I call her, but I never do and won’t. And I’ve never acted bothered by her treatment. The only one who loses is her, so I can’t figure out why she keeps at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s manipulation, gaslighting and abuse.

Not really. Defining silent treatment this way is context specific.

The mom is stressed out dealing with the disabled dad. You told her something she doesn't want to hear. Rather than scream at you like my mom would, she is simply taking a break. Just accept this is her way of saying she is overwhelmed, she is not finding you helpful right now (even if you have the best of intentions and are absolutely right) and she doesn't want to lose it.

[Anonymous]

I think time to accept she's overwhelmed, likely depressed, and has very little control in her life. Her caregiving is probably really, really hard. I would look into whatever you can do to make her life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think time to accept she's overwhelmed, likely depressed, and has very little control in her life. Her caregiving is probably really, really hard. I would look into whatever you can do to make her life easier.

So this. You are taking it personally rather than seeing it as a sign that she needs you to stop giving advice or whatever you are doing. Assume the best, even though I know her behavior is frustrating. It is hell having a disabled aging spouse if that spouse is difficult. Is your dad grouchy a lot? Yes, it is annoying she calls and make it about you being the one who stopped calling or contacting her. Just laugh it off as an annoying quirk. You can even calmly say that you had not heard from her for a while, you assumed she had a lot going on, but you are so glad to be in touch.

I would also read up on depression among elderly caregivers and if you are truly concerned gently bring it up. if she bites your head off or stops talking to you and you truly think it's depression, tell her doctor so they can do a screener.

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s pretty wrong of you to sit there and laugh. I give my husband the silent treatment when I need a break. If not, I become very angry, I yell, say things I do not mean and I am very hurtful to others. So, I keep to myself and process things internally. My husband knows it is not about him and respects my space. I always go back to him and follow up with a talk about why I was silent, how I am feeling, etc.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she actually needs a break from you. When she’s had enough of a break, she’s reaching out and trying to let you know she’s ready to start communicating again. Why do you assume she’s at home suffering because you don’t call daily to check in? Your mom is an adult who may want a little distance time to time.

[Anonymous]

It’s attention seeking. Just because it’s not working doesn’t mean it’s not seeking. It’s immature but, as you point out, she doesn’t have a lot of people in her life paying attention to her and so if she’s feeling that need she has to try to get it from somewhere and you’re her only source.

I would do what you’re doing and let her know you’re giving her space so she can’t write a narrative in her mind about how you’re neglecting her. Then when things are good (not when she’s doing this because you can’t reward this behavior) try to do something that demonstrates you’re “paying attention” like send her a book you read you think she’d like and talk about it, or (post Covid) go do something different together like a lecture or a hike. Hopefully if her bucket is a little more full, she’ll stop looking for negative ways to fill it.

Also, caretaking is hard and thankless and it is also *your* dad, so maybe consider whether there’s respite care or another way to get her a break?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s attention seeking. Just because it’s not working doesn’t mean it’s not seeking. It’s immature but, as you point out, she doesn’t have a lot of people in her life paying attention to her and so if she’s feeling that need she has to try to get it from somewhere and you’re her only source.

I would do what you’re doing and let her know you’re giving her space so she can’t write a narrative in her mind about how you’re neglecting her. Then when things are good (not when she’s doing this because you can’t reward this behavior) try to do something that demonstrates you’re “paying attention” like send her a book you read you think she’d like and talk about it, or (post Covid) go do something different together like a lecture or a hike. Hopefully if her bucket is a little more full, she’ll stop looking for negative ways to fill it.

Also, caretaking is hard and thankless and it is also *your* dad, so maybe consider whether there’s respite care or another way to get her a break?

I disagree with this. I know if you google it people say "ohhhhh it's abuse" or it's for attention. The people where I need to just stop looking are texts or emails are people who would flip out if I said "I need a break. I am finding what you say offends me and I need to figure out why." I can say that to my husband and he's totally cool, but there are people who compulsively call or texts and I just need space. Also, I have a relative I have never liked who I only kept in touch with to please family. I finally decided not worth it I have enough going on. When I kept saying "no" to her requests for favors she would guilt trip and be annoying. When I didn't respond to any more photos of her kids where she brags about her superior parenting she gets on my case. I am just sick of engaging. I blocked everything. It has been years and It's just so lovely. She had older relatives come after me and I just I am really busy. We have never been close and the only way to get peace is to just go totally silent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up.

Oh, look; it's a DCUM bully, here to offer unhelpful invective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say twice a year my mom will pull this silent treatment with me, usually after I say something she doesn’t want to hear. She proceeds to ignore any texts or calls. She lives with my dad but he is hard of hearing and disabled, so she pretty much anticipates my daily phone call to check in, if not just to talk to another adult, so I know this silent treatment has to bother her more than it does me, because honestly, it’s a welcomed break. When I notice the pattern I always send text telling her I will give her her space. Eventually she will call and shift the blame on me telling me she misses talking and doesn’t want to have this distance between us (that she put there in the first place.) It’s happening now and I’m sitting here laughing as I contemplate how long she will suffer with the silence before she breaks and calls me. I’d love to know what the purpose of these types of silent treatments are, does anyone have insight?

OP, has she always used the silent treatment or is this a newer thing?

[Anonymous]

This is very common with people that are needy and insecure. FIL does this. I posted somewhere else how he likes to make drama. If he doesn't get drama or people disagree with something inconsequential he will stop taking calls and then acts a couple of weeks later with "I might as well be dead."
Before cell phones, he used to tell everyone that he is canceling his landline as there is no need to have it. Nobody ever calls him. (He is a long time widower)

He is now more prone to sending passive-aggressive texts. Such as that I should look up "leading-strings." In regards to my kids. In some weird way, he wants us to "cut off" our college-age kids to make them independent! He has no idea about issues my DD faces. She was assaulted and is coping with it, but it is hard He will never know, he doesn't need to know and he senses something but knows nothing and it is driving him crazy.
You are doing the right thing, op. Heck better than me and DH at coping with your mom's manipulative behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s attention seeking. Just because it’s not working doesn’t mean it’s not seeking. It’s immature but, as you point out, she doesn’t have a lot of people in her life paying attention to her and so if she’s feeling that need she has to try to get it from somewhere and you’re her only source.

I would do what you’re doing and let her know you’re giving her space so she can’t write a narrative in her mind about how you’re neglecting her. Then when things are good (not when she’s doing this because you can’t reward this behavior) try to do something that demonstrates you’re “paying attention” like send her a book you read you think she’d like and talk about it, or (post Covid) go do something different together like a lecture or a hike. Hopefully if her bucket is a little more full, she’ll stop looking for negative ways to fill it.

Also, caretaking is hard and thankless and it is also *your* dad, so maybe consider whether there’s respite care or another way to get her a break?

Yep, agree. attention-seeking. There is likely a whole fairy tale in her head, just as it is in the heads of all those like op's mom.