When one kid hurts another -- what's reasonable?

[Anonymous]

We are in a "bubble" with my in laws. Kids are together every day for some homeschool activities, and shared childcare. Due to some high risk family members, all adults are working from home, and the kids are only playing with each other and not seeing anyone outside the house.

Yesterday, during a basketball game, one ten year old pushed the other to the ground, resulting in a fractured wrist, and probably six weeks of activity restrictions. Both kids are super active kids, and my guess is that in the long term the injured one is going to find six weeks of no sports to be more painful than the break.

I didn't see the fall, but the people who did all seem to agree that what happened was a shove, and outside of the general "basketball is a rough game, and sometimes people get hurt". At the same point, I think we all realize that kids can play rough, and accidents happen.

Several adults involved have expressed concern about a dynamic where one child can't do the things they love, and has to watch the kid who caused the injury doing them. On the other hand six weeks of activity restrictions don't seem like a fair consequence for a single shove.

I should add that both kids are under significant stress due to family issues, and both kids typically manage their stress with high levels of movement and exercise.

Any suggestion on how to manage this dynamic? Better yet, any suggestions on ways that both kids can be active together, given covid restrictions?

[Anonymous]

I would not restrict sports but would require a sincere apology and emphasize tactfulness so that the injured child does not feel any more left out than is necessary. And perhaps some kind of making amends such as doing the injured child's yard work or helping to cook a meal for the family.

[Anonymous]

Is it a chronic situation or a one-time event? Is the one you are assuming was aggressive remorseful or unrepentant? How does the injured kid feel about it?

[Anonymous]

The kid who shoves apologizes and is available sometimes for other indoor activities with his cousin. But he should continue to be allowed to play basketball. Kids get shoved and pushed in basketball. 99% of the time nothing happens. It is just bad luck the other kid broke his wrist. If the other kid is 10 or younger he will heal fast if it is a simple wrist fracture.

My son was pushed Playing soccer by a friend and we didn’t hold a grudge. My boys and their friends are physical when they play sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a chronic situation or a one-time event? Is the one you are assuming was aggressive remorseful or unrepentant? How does the injured kid feel about it?

Both kids are pretty intensely competitive, and there is a complicated dynamic with a fair amount of jealousy between them.

The adults who saw it, and who are themselves pretty athletic and competitive and involved in youth sports, are pretty clear that a line was crossed. Honestly, I'm not athletic enough that I think I could make that judgement, but there does seem to be consensus that it was intentional aggression, and not just rough play, perhaps related to the jealousy dynamic.

After it happened, uninjured kid apologized, but also seemed resentful that the other kid was getting attention. Both kids were very focused on figuring out who won the game, which revolved around the question of free throws and who could sub for the injured player. Eventually they negotiated something, which resulted in the injured kid winning. The injured kid seems to think of this as a resolution, that losing the game was the logical consequence and now the score is even. The kids have been separated since then, not as a consequence but because adults are off work for the holiday, so they're home with their respective parents.

[Anonymous]

Restrict aggressive kid for several weeks. Give them extra chores which are physical (moving trash cans, clearing up yard) to keep them active but with something to consider during that time.

Otherwise you're raising a brat who thinks aggression is acceptable and will do it again, and again.

And when it happens with an outsider's kid you may have serious consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a chronic situation or a one-time event? Is the one you are assuming was aggressive remorseful or unrepentant? How does the injured kid feel about it?

Both kids are pretty intensely competitive, and there is a complicated dynamic with a fair amount of jealousy between them.

The adults who saw it, and who are themselves pretty athletic and competitive and involved in youth sports, are pretty clear that a line was crossed. Honestly, I'm not athletic enough that I think I could make that judgement, but there does seem to be consensus that it was intentional aggression, and not just rough play, perhaps related to the jealousy dynamic.

After it happened, uninjured kid apologized, but also seemed resentful that the other kid was getting attention. Both kids were very focused on figuring out who won the game, which revolved around the question of free throws and who could sub for the injured player. Eventually they negotiated something, which resulted in the injured kid winning. The injured kid seems to think of this as a resolution, that losing the game was the logical consequence and now the score is even. The kids have been separated since then, not as a consequence but because adults are off work for the holiday, so they're home with their respective parents.

The kid who shoved was wrong, no doubt about it. However, the bolded is concerning.

Rivalry and jealousy between kids stems primarily from one thing only - the parent/guardian dynamic and interactions with those kids. If you want to change the way the kids get along then the adults in your environment need to change the way they interact with each other and with the kids. Yes there are factors like personality and birth order, and experiences outside the family and family unit, but by and large sibling rivalries develop because of parental treatment. If you want the kids to change then you adults need to change first.

As you adults get your act together, you also need to do some rebuilding of structure for the kids. This includes baseline and household rules (more "in this household we will..." than "do NOT ...", more independent exercise, adult-supervised play, adult mediation to model appropriate discussion during disagreements, adult modeling of "same team, same side," and helping the kids recognize nonverbal mood signals so that they can become better "readers" of the others mood.

Think about the interactions of the kids, too. Is there one kid who is more aggressive than the other, is one kid a sly instigator, is one kid prone to mood swings, are there triggers? You should be having regular family meetings of the whole household to discuss topics of general and individual concern.

But most of all the adults in the household need to figure out what they're doing that is allowing and perpetuating the rivalry between the kids. Make that your job 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid who shoves apologizes and is available sometimes for other indoor activities with his cousin. But he should continue to be allowed to play basketball. Kids get shoved and pushed in basketball. 99% of the time nothing happens. It is just bad luck the other kid broke his wrist. If the other kid is 10 or younger he will heal fast if it is a simple wrist fracture.

My son was pushed Playing soccer by a friend and we didn’t hold a grudge. My boys and their friends are physical when they play sports.

+1. Accidents happen. If the child has sincerely apologized, everyone needs to move on. It's another story if aggressive behavior continues. If the injured boy can run, that might be a physical activity they can do together. Hiking would be another. I'd encourage more physical activity for both, not less. They are already dealing with so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a chronic situation or a one-time event? Is the one you are assuming was aggressive remorseful or unrepentant? How does the injured kid feel about it?

Both kids are pretty intensely competitive, and there is a complicated dynamic with a fair amount of jealousy between them.

The adults who saw it, and who are themselves pretty athletic and competitive and involved in youth sports, are pretty clear that a line was crossed. Honestly, I'm not athletic enough that I think I could make that judgement, but there does seem to be consensus that it was intentional aggression, and not just rough play, perhaps related to the jealousy dynamic.

After it happened, uninjured kid apologized, but also seemed resentful that the other kid was getting attention. Both kids were very focused on figuring out who won the game, which revolved around the question of free throws and who could sub for the injured player. Eventually they negotiated something, which resulted in the injured kid winning. The injured kid seems to think of this as a resolution, that losing the game was the logical consequence and now the score is even. The kids have been separated since then, not as a consequence but because adults are off work for the holiday, so they're home with their respective parents.

How are the adults who saw it related to these kids?

[Anonymous]

I would take this opportunity give the same 6 week restriction to the one who shoved. Be thankful it was a family member & use this as a teaching moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a chronic situation or a one-time event? Is the one you are assuming was aggressive remorseful or unrepentant? How does the injured kid feel about it?

Both kids are pretty intensely competitive, and there is a complicated dynamic with a fair amount of jealousy between them.

The adults who saw it, and who are themselves pretty athletic and competitive and involved in youth sports, are pretty clear that a line was crossed. Honestly, I'm not athletic enough that I think I could make that judgement, but there does seem to be consensus that it was intentional aggression, and not just rough play, perhaps related to the jealousy dynamic.

After it happened, uninjured kid apologized, but also seemed resentful that the other kid was getting attention. Both kids were very focused on figuring out who won the game, which revolved around the question of free throws and who could sub for the injured player. Eventually they negotiated something, which resulted in the injured kid winning. The injured kid seems to think of this as a resolution, that losing the game was the logical consequence and now the score is even. The kids have been separated since then, not as a consequence but because adults are off work for the holiday, so they're home with their respective parents.

How are the adults who saw it related to these kids?

The adult that had the clearest view was the uncle of both kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid who shoves apologizes and is available sometimes for other indoor activities with his cousin. But he should continue to be allowed to play basketball. Kids get shoved and pushed in basketball. 99% of the time nothing happens. It is just bad luck the other kid broke his wrist. If the other kid is 10 or younger he will heal fast if it is a simple wrist fracture.

My son was pushed Playing soccer by a friend and we didn’t hold a grudge. My boys and their friends are physical when they play sports.

+1. Accidents happen. If the child has sincerely apologized, everyone needs to move on. It's another story if aggressive behavior continues. If the injured boy can run, that might be a physical activity they can do together. Hiking would be another. I'd encourage more physical activity for both, not less. They are already dealing with so much.

Unfortunately the doctor is saying no running, no biking, no roller blading, no basketball etc . . . Hiking is great in theory. In reality there isn't an adult available to take them during daylight hours during the week.

I'd love ideas for ways that the injured kid can exercise with those limits. Actually for the other kid too, since the other kid previously relied on playing with the cousin for their exercise.

I think the assumption that both kids are boys is interesting.

[Anonymous]

The kid that did the shoving needs severe restrictions for a week. Because he needs time to reflect on why he resorted to trying to harm the other boy. Do not sugarcoat it. Do not make excuses for it. He can learn to do better but only if the adults around him make it very clear that his behavior is not OK. Right now he is being shown that the only downside to him trying to hurt his friend to win is he gets less attention.

I would not pick a punishment that revolves around the injured child, as that will cause more resentment and the kid with the temper will likely act again. You make it solely about his actions. Adults viewing it said he crossed the line, make it clear what was seen, why it is not OK, and why he is being punished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take this opportunity give the same 6 week restriction to the one who shoved. Be thankful it was a family member & use this as a teaching moment.

Lorii Laughlin barely went to PRISON for more than six weeks for her CRIME as an ADULT. A ten year old boy should not be punished for a month and a half. He apologized, he lost the game, he's lost his playmate, that's enough.

[Anonymous]

If the kid who did the pushing has aggression issues beyond this one incident, then the focus here needs to be getting the kid help with those aggressions issues. Simply punishing him isn’t going to effect any meaningful change.

If this is two kids who play off each other in an intensive and competitive way and it could have just as easily been the other child who did the pushing, it’s time to look at the broader family dynamic to figure out where this is coming from.