Reply to When one kid hurts another -- what's reasonable?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Is it a chronic situation or a one-time event? Is the one you are assuming was aggressive remorseful or unrepentant? How does the injured kid feel about it?[/quote]

Both kids are pretty intensely competitive, and there is a [b]complicated dynamic with a fair amount of jealousy between them[/b].

The adults who saw it, and who are themselves pretty athletic and competitive and involved in youth sports, are pretty clear that a line was crossed.  Honestly, I'm not athletic enough that I think I could make that judgement, but there does seem to be consensus that it was intentional aggression, and not just rough play, perhaps related to the jealousy dynamic.

After it happened, uninjured kid apologized, but also seemed resentful that the other kid was getting attention.  Both kids were very focused on figuring out who won the game, which revolved around the question of free throws and who could sub for the injured player.  Eventually they negotiated something, which resulted in the injured kid winning.  The injured kid seems to think of this as a resolution, that losing the game was the logical consequence and now the score is even.  The kids have been separated since then, not as a consequence but because adults are off work for the holiday, so they're home with their respective parents.  [/quote]

The kid who shoved was wrong, no doubt about it.  However, the bolded is concerning.

Rivalry and jealousy between kids stems primarily from one thing only - the parent/guardian dynamic and interactions with those kids.  If you want to change the way the kids get along then the adults in your environment need to change the way they interact with each other and with the kids.  Yes there are factors like personality and birth order, and experiences outside the family and family unit, but by and large sibling rivalries develop because of parental treatment.  If you want the kids to change then you adults need to change first.

As you adults get your act together, you also need to do some rebuilding of structure for the kids.  This includes baseline and household rules (more "in this household we will..." than "do NOT ...", more independent exercise, adult-supervised play, adult mediation to model appropriate discussion during disagreements, adult modeling of "same team, same side," and helping the kids recognize nonverbal mood signals so that they can become better "readers" of the others mood.

Think about the interactions of the kids, too.  Is there one kid who is more aggressive than the other, is one kid a sly instigator, is one kid prone to mood swings, are there triggers?  You should be having regular family meetings of the whole household to discuss topics of general and individual concern.

But most of all the adults in the household need to figure out what they're doing that is allowing and perpetuating the rivalry between the kids.  Make that your job 1.[/quote]

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