Am I just bad at having a nanny?
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Anonymous
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I always thought we'd send our kid to daycare and last minute decided on a nanny when I was on mat leave, and ever since, I have felt like I made a rash decision when interviewing while in the newborn/postpartum haze. Now I'm a year and a half in, and I still feel stressed about our nanny pretty regularly.
- She has given me zero reason not to trust her, and yet I still have irrational fears that she's going to run off with my child and never come back. - She is great with my daughter -- she loves her -- but she can be quiet and standoffish with us. But then other times she's engaging and nice. I really think this is just her personality, and in fact, one of her references warned me of this. - I really don't consider myself a micromanager or Type A, but it bothers me that she is inconsistent with his schedule, or keeps him at the playground for hours on really cold days, or feeds him snacks late in the day and spoils his dinner. I know from reading these threads that these are minor issues. I also think my feelings are heightened because of WFH and being home to notice every little thing. - I need a nanny as I work (and I wouldn't want to be a SAHM!) but I find myself relieved on Saturday mornings when it's just us, and on edge on mornings she's coming. - She can be rude, quiet and cold. Not all the time, but regularly. - She can be demanding about what food I have for her, etc. On the other hand, she's super prompt, has raised lovely children, she's very clean, works hard. For what it's worth, my husband is never stressed about her. I wasn't raised with a nanny. Please help me -- am I crazy and maybe just not great at having a nanny? Or are we not a good fit for each other? If it's the latter, I have no idea what we'd do because she's given us no reason to let her go. |
Anonymous
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She sounds pretty great, honestly. I think it does have to do with working from home and seeing what happens.
It's not how you would do it, and that's ok. She's prompt, clean, works hard, and loves your daughter by your own standards. Boom. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you're a little irrational. Sorry. |
Anonymous
| Better that your nanny have a cold relationship with you and a warm one with your child than the reverse. Instead of thinking about it in such bright-line terms (I'm bad at having a nanny) give yourself room to grow (I'm learning how to have a nanny). And absolutely forget about firing her. You have a good one. |
Anonymous
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She sounds like a good nanny and employee.
You, on the other hand, need to relax a little. It isn't good for your child (or you, or your husband) if you have "irrational fears," "are on edge" and are "anxious" over minor things. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you may just not have the right personality to have a nanny in your home while you are WFH. I wouldn't feel bad about it -- I don't have this personality either. I just really like to feel relaxed at home and having an employee, even one like a nanny who is much more personal, stresses me out.
What's your longterm plan for childcare? Sounds like your kid is 1.5 or almost 2? If you don't have a good alternative that you feel comfortable with (I get daycare is not looking like a great option during Covid, and there are lots of advantages to a nanny anyway), can you just figure out now when you will transition to a PK or nursery school situation? Could be as soon as this coming fall. Then you just need to find a way to cope for 8 months or so. I'd recommend: - Make sure you have a private work space in the house so that you don't overhear as much of the nanny. Some of your complaints (especially about the nanny's occasional moods/demeanor) indicate you are just spending too much time around her. Everyone has low moods sometimes and it's unrealistic to expect anyone, even a nanny, to be a bundle of joy every moment of the day. You just need to get some separation so it doesn't impact you as much. - Delegate some of the nanny interaction to your husband. Like can he handle the end of the day more days? So you aren't hearing first hadn't about stuff like a late snack or other minor inconveniences. Sometimes the nanny management falls disproportionally on moms and you might just be burned out on that stuff. - What do you like about her on a personal level (beyond the care she takes for your child)? Make a list of those things and try to notice them when they arise. I did something similar with my MiL, at the suggestion of a therapist, and it genuinely helped me be less annoyed by her when she comes to stay. It's a little "look on the bright side!" which is normally not my jam, but it actually helps when you just need to deal with someone on a short term basis who might not be your cup of tea. |
Anonymous
I agree. One thing I've noticed: Some of the best nannies are people who are great "children people" and "baby people" that are awkward around adults. Always remember you hired them to watch your kids, not you! |
Anonymous
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OP, have you ever been someone's manager? Perhaps you are just not cut out to manage a employee (especially while working from home).
Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if your boss had an "irrational fear" that you would steal her job or something like that? |
Anonymous
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Wait, you feed her and she is rude to you? She changes daily schedule nilly willy including food intake by the baby? She is moody towards you? How is this a great nanny?
I know it's pandemic and all, but to me it sounds like a bad choice of nannies. Have you mentioned to her that you'd like to keep the schedule consistent? It's important for kids to have a predictable routine, per developmental experts. What is her reason for changing it ad hoc? Second issue is personality. She is in her house to work, and if she has good judgement she would keep relationship with you neutral and amiable, w/o weird hot/cold dynamic. Your child will copy what he sees - is this role modeling you are comfortable with? All in all, nannying is a tough job, it requires the person being ok with taking directions from parents and being able to carry them out w/o bad attitude. |
Anonymous
| Perspective from a former nanny: we work hard at establishing good habits and good behavior with our charges. It is so frustrating to show up on Monday and see our hard work unraveled. It's like starting over every Monday. That coldness you sense is our disappointment. |
Anonymous
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How does your daughter suddenly become "his", "him"?
I think the nanny prefers to be outside away from the parents, and when was the weather so cold that it was too cold to be outside? I'm from 60 degrees north and kids are outside all the time. It is you, but leave her alone beside telling her to stay away from snacking after certain time. Don't get on her nerves. She is there for your child and not you. |
Anonymous
How would your boss feel if you changed work schedule every which way at random? |
Anonymous
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It's not major changes, but some days she feeds him lunch at 11 and puts him down at 11:30, other days they eat at 12:30 and he goes down at 1, sometimes it's somewhere in between. On the weekends, I always feed him at 11:30 and put him down at 12:15.
I think he's in a nap transition, so maybe she's trying different things, but she doesn't communicate that and I am always nervous to bring it up because I am sympathetic to her feeling like we're watching her and I don't want to micromanage. To 14:04, my bad, I worry that nannies read on here and tried not to give away identifiable clues, so I tried to change my kids gender but did it inconsistently in my post. I'm also brain dead from being pregnant and think I might just be having a bad day..... |
Anonymous
Your post makes no sense. The nanny does not change her work schedule, and she is prompt according to the OP. She is also clean and provides good care for the child. |
Anonymous
| I have a feeling they're going outside a lot to get away from you. It's really hard for a nanny if you are working from home and also vice versa. |