Am I just bad at having a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not major changes, but some days she feeds him lunch at 11 and puts him down at 11:30, other days they eat at 12:30 and he goes down at 1, sometimes it's somewhere in between. On the weekends, I always feed him at 11:30 and put him down at 12:15.

I think he's in a nap transition, so maybe she's trying different things, but she doesn't communicate that and I am always nervous to bring it up because I am sympathetic to her feeling like we're watching her and I don't want to micromanage.

To 14:04, my bad, I worry that nannies read on here and tried not to give away identifiable clues, so I tried to change my kids gender but did it inconsistently in my post.

I'm also brain dead from being pregnant and think I might just be having a bad day.....

You, with your personality quirks, are incredibly lucky to even have a nanny, let along one who has stayed so long. You keep up your insane behavior and you'll be taking care of your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always thought we'd send our kid to daycare and last minute decided on a nanny when I was on mat leave, and ever since, I have felt like I made a rash decision when interviewing while in the newborn/postpartum haze. Now I'm a year and a half in, and I still feel stressed about our nanny pretty regularly.


- She has given me zero reason not to trust her, and yet I still have irrational fears that she's going to run off with my child and never come back.

- She is great with my daughter -- she loves her -- but she can be quiet and standoffish with us. But then other times she's engaging and nice. I really think this is just her personality, and in fact, one of her references warned me of this.

- I really don't consider myself a micromanager or Type A, but it bothers me that she is inconsistent with his schedule, or keeps him at the playground for hours on really cold days, or feeds him snacks late in the day and spoils his dinner. I know from reading these threads that these are minor issues. I also think my feelings are heightened because of WFH and being home to notice every little thing.

- I need a nanny as I work (and I wouldn't want to be a SAHM!) but I find myself relieved on Saturday mornings when it's just us, and on edge on mornings she's coming.

- She can be rude, quiet and cold. Not all the time, but regularly.

- She can be demanding about what food I have for her, etc.


On the other hand, she's super prompt, has raised lovely children, she's very clean, works hard. For what it's worth, my husband is never stressed about her.

I wasn't raised with a nanny. Please help me -- am I crazy and maybe just not great at having a nanny? Or are we not a good fit for each other? If it's the latter, I have no idea what we'd do because she's given us no reason to let her go.

She may love your child but it is easy to understand why she cannot stand you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better that your nanny have a cold relationship with you and a warm one with your child than the reverse. Instead of thinking about it in such bright-line terms (I'm bad at having a nanny) give yourself room to grow (I'm learning how to have a nanny). And absolutely forget about firing her. You have a good one.

I agree. One thing I've noticed: Some of the best nannies are people who are great "children people" and "baby people" that are awkward around adults. Always remember you hired them to watch your kids, not you!

This is so odd. I was a great nanny, I sill work with kids all day and am excellent, but I am also capable of working/interacting with adults,. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

It sounds like OP's kid is somewhere between 18 months and 2 yo? Toddlers take so much energy. I'm an introvert and sometimes if I give other people (friends, even my husband) too much of my "on" energy, I don't have much left for children. Maybe it's just too much for your nanny to be present and cheerful with your child and also deal with "her boss."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It actually sounds like subconscious jealousy; feeling like she‘ll run off with your child (fear of her “maternal“ feelings towards your child), her not “parenting“ the way you do. If you’re pregnant, I would guess you kind of want to stay home with your kids but something (money, expectations) is keeping you from that.

I kind of think this, too, OP. This is NOT AT ALL a judgment of working moms or your situation (even though I know it'll be taken that way...), but there is a reason a lot of SAHM's feel like they could "never let someone else raise my child." Some people can deal with the emotions you're feeling and some people can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not major changes, but some days she feeds him lunch at 11 and puts him down at 11:30, other days they eat at 12:30 and he goes down at 1, sometimes it's somewhere in between. On the weekends, I always feed him at 11:30 and put him down at 12:15.

I think he's in a nap transition, so maybe she's trying different things, but she doesn't communicate that and I am always nervous to bring it up because I am sympathetic to her feeling like we're watching her and I don't want to micromanage.

To 14:04, my bad, I worry that nannies read on here and tried not to give away identifiable clues, so I tried to change my kids gender but did it inconsistently in my post.

I'm also brain dead from being pregnant and think I might just be having a bad day.....

You, with your personality quirks, are incredibly lucky to even have a nanny, let along one who has stayed so long. You keep up your insane behavior and you'll be taking care of your own kids.

Ignore this OP. This is the equivalent of someone writing “with the spike in unemployment/the rise in people working from home/kids going back in person the nanny is lucky to have a job and should be doing everything down to the minute the way you want it! Or she’ll be looking for a new job!” It’s a relationship. It has to work for both people in it. You’re trying to determine whether you’re being a good “partner” in this post and kudos for the introspection. Plenty of people would fire first, introspect later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It actually sounds like subconscious jealousy; feeling like she‘ll run off with your child (fear of her “maternal“ feelings towards your child), her not “parenting“ the way you do. If you’re pregnant, I would guess you kind of want to stay home with your kids but something (money, expectations) is keeping you from that.

I kind of think this, too, OP. This is NOT AT ALL a judgment of working moms or your situation (even though I know it'll be taken that way...), but there is a reason a lot of SAHM's feel like they could "never let someone else raise my child." Some people can deal with the emotions you're feeling and some people can't.

Agree. If you are genuinely terrified the nanny will run away with your child, then you should be a SAHM. Me -
I celebrated the strong relationship DD had with another positive role model, so I wasn’t freaked out.

However, the constant switching up of the schedule would bother me. Kids thrive when they’re on a schedule. 15-30 min leeway is okay, but not 1.5 hours! Unless for a rare scenario.

[Anonymous]

I had a pretty great nanny for 3 years and wanted to fire her more than a handful of times. She’s not me. I had a difficult time accepting that. My kids are now in school so we don’t have a nanny anymore and it’s a huge relief. If I did it again I would wait until kids were 5-8 months then put in daycare. I’m too type A to employ someone in my home to care for my kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the advice. In the end I think we have a great nanny but I just still struggle with the employer role and being too aware of everything in this WFH time we're in. I agree with the poster who said wait til 6 months old and then daycare -- if I could do it over again, that would be the ideal route to take. I think it will be similar to the poster who said the nanny was great but she's relieved that season of life is over.

And to everyone suggesting I have mental health issues or am an insufferable person to be around, do you think that's maybe an overreaction to my post? Like, wow. Ha. Thanks!!