When to Honor DC Wishes for Custody?

[Anonymous]

DC is 10, and they wish to live with me full time. Currently we share custody. This is not a whim, there are days when all the do is cry when they think about going to their dad. I'm not sure what to do. At what point do you do what they want, or do you just let them cry and live with it?

[Anonymous]

Well, the question is for the judge, not you. If you want to go to court, I'd ask a family atty the same question - when do courts typically take the kids' POV into account?

[Anonymous]

Soooo much missing from this? WHY does she dislike going to dads? Are you being positive and supportive in your coparenting relationship? Or have you being trying to alienate/undermine him from day one?

If she doesn't like going to dad's because you have an Xbox and he doesn't, life's tough all over kid.

If she doesn't like going to dad's because you've been saying for years that he's mean and awful, and she's picked that up, you are a bad person and should get into therapy.

If she has some legitimate grievances, talk to her about it. Work with her (and your ex as necessary) to try and improve things. Or at least get them out in the open. But the details on your relationship with your ex and what her issue actually is matter so, so much here.

I think (and I say this as someone who grew up with joint custody) it's common for kids to get along, let's say, more smoothly, with one parent/household more than the other. Just due to personality. Certainly, I got along more smoothly at my dad's, and my brother got along more smoothly at my mom's. But there was nothing wrong per say, just a bit harder, particularly at certain ages. If it's that, this is the kind of challenges that are a learning experience for a 10 year old. Remember, if you guys were together she'd be living with her dad and butting heads a bit 100% of the time. That's part of growing up - don't let the divorce skew your perspective too much on that, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP that there is a lot of information missing.

In addition to PP's comments (which are important, especially the reasoning why she's crying about going to dad's), what is the current arrangement? Do you have 50/50? Is it a split week or one week on/one week off? Maybe it's the way that the schedule is divided that causes issues.

Regardless, unless there is physical abuse, a child shouldn't be alienated from a parent. Dad may have stricter rules, that is no reason for a child to not spend time there. I would think there would have to be something incredibly egregious for a judge to remove a parent from custody (and wouldn't do that just on the whim of a 10 year old).

[Anonymous]

Which jurisdiction are you in? I believe there are different ages where judges take into account preferences in different states, but again, it's a preference, the child does not actually get to choose, that is still up to a judge.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced with a 10 year old. I think 10 is old enough to be taken seriously but not old enough to drive decisions. I think the pp is correct about therapy. Whatever happens with custody, you child needs a neutral someone she can talk to about her feelings and needs, who can give advice to you and your coparent. My daughter prefers my house, mostly because I'm a looser parent-and I have no idea how or why my ex got so strict, she wasn't like that when we were together. I work really hard not to let my love for my kid and my desire to have her around as much as possible lead to me interfering with her relationship with her other parent. Barring abuse or danger (which certainly does happen), it's my job to support her relationship with her other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the question is for the judge, not you. If you want to go to court, I'd ask a family atty the same question - when do courts typically take the kids' POV into account?

+1. You need to follow the court order. If you think it should be changed you can discuss with the other parent and enter into a consent order modifying the custody arrangement or present your case to the judge and see if she agrees.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'm curious if it's worth pursuing with the other parent or that will make dad feel alienated, it's why I asked. DC is in therapy, concerns about spending time with dad are legitimate but not concerning, meaning dad physically disciplines, I don't, prone to anger, etc. so child feels unsafe but it's not enough to be abuse. Otoh, I don't want full custody, oto, is my child better off with me and getting access to dad?

For some of the posters above, I haven't said anything bad about dad, we've had 50/50 custody since DC was 3, and DC. I wasn't always the favorite, it was dad till about 4 years ago, since then it's been constant drama transitioning, which is why we started therapy. The therapist agrees that it doesn't help that we both have different parenting styles but that also it's quite unlikely things will change. Dad is not open to stop physical discipline for one and does it just so it's at the border of concern but not abuse. It's not just the hitting that DC doens't like but I've given enough info as is.

[Anonymous]

It seems like maybe family therapy is on order so the three of you can get on the same page. Parenting styles will always be different, but your child also deserves some sort of consistency across homes. Ex-DH and I did family therapy and co-parenting classes and it helped all of us.

I do think that shifting away from 50-50 doesn’t seem like the answer, but working together to align rules and philosophies. Regardless of divorce you still have to work together to parent your child. Supporting your DC in having a voice and working with dad rather than cutting him out seems more productive for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I'm curious if it's worth pursuing with the other parent or that will make dad feel alienated, it's why I asked. DC is in therapy, concerns about spending time with dad are legitimate but not concerning, meaning dad physically disciplines, I don't, prone to anger, etc. so child feels unsafe but it's not enough to be abuse. Otoh, I don't want full custody, oto, is my child better off with me and getting access to dad?

For some of the posters above, I haven't said anything bad about dad, we've had 50/50 custody since DC was 3, and DC. I wasn't always the favorite, it was dad till about 4 years ago, since then it's been constant drama transitioning, which is why we started therapy. The therapist agrees that it doesn't help that we both have different parenting styles but that also it's quite unlikely things will change. Dad is not open to stop physical discipline for one and does it just so it's at the border of concern but not abuse. It's not just the hitting that DC doens't like but I've given enough info as is.

That's tough. I posted above about supporting my child in their relationship with their other parent. If my ex was physically disciplining up to the line of what is legally allowed, I would be trying to figure out ways to make that stop. I get how little power you have in this situation. I try to let things simmer so I can be sure I have a good strategy. I think in your case, I would consult with a lawyer just to know options (which as so state dependent).

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should support child with dad vs setting up a custody battle to take his dad away. Just be honest with dad. Tell him you old her want him as dad and terminate his right and you fully financially support the child since you don’t want him involved. Playing the games you are only hurts your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I'm curious if it's worth pursuing with the other parent or that will make dad feel alienated, it's why I asked. DC is in therapy, concerns about spending time with dad are legitimate but not concerning, meaning dad physically disciplines, I don't, prone to anger, etc. so child feels unsafe but it's not enough to be abuse. Otoh, I don't want full custody, oto, is my child better off with me and getting access to dad?

For some of the posters above, I haven't said anything bad about dad, we've had 50/50 custody since DC was 3, and DC. I wasn't always the favorite, it was dad till about 4 years ago, since then it's been constant drama transitioning, which is why we started therapy. The therapist agrees that it doesn't help that we both have different parenting styles but that also it's quite unlikely things will change. Dad is not open to stop physical discipline for one and does it just so it's at the border of concern but not abuse. It's not just the hitting that DC doens't like but I've given enough info as is.

You are alienating dad. You’ll move for custody, then allow limited visits and find a reason to cut off those too. Just be honest with dad. No more relationship.

[Anonymous]

If you’ve been dealing with this for 4 years with the same therapist (that’s unclear) the first step is a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve been dealing with this for 4 years with the same therapist (that’s unclear) the first step is a new therapist.

Op needs her own therapist and not expect dad to be a mini her. Either they both change and compromise or move on.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with this for a year. And then, I started putting time and money into making DD more resilient and self-sufficient. She was less stressed about going to dad’s once she could feed herself, do laundry, and other basic care. She was 8. It sucks to be there at 8, but the alternative sucks worse. She also went through a phase in 7th grade where she posted house photos on social media. He got embarrassed and made some surface changes.