When to Honor DC Wishes for Custody?

[Anonymous]

OP here again, I don't think what dad is doing is healthy or right for our DC, in short, CPS was called and they determined that while it's not right, he's within his legal rights. For the troll, I wasn't the one who called CPS. And dad pays me nothing as we both make equal money so go troll your mom.

I'd happily take up a fight for my daughter if I was convinced it's the right thing to do, it's why I'm online asking strangers for advice.

I like the idea of spending more time and money on making a child resilient. Life is going to be a series of challenges, so they need to know to deal with them. I think the therapist is fantastic for DC, she tried to work with dad on discipline, dad is good at saying OK and not doing. There's not much else she can do.

If I'm to take my ex to court over custody, I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for my kid, and maybe that is limiting time with dad and maybe that isn't. Maybe it is teaching my kid how to deal with an angry, physically disciplining dad. I tried to talk to my ex, but it goes no where.

Anyway, I appreciate the thoughtful responses I go, and for the trolls, this is getting old. I'm sorry you're so angry but maybe get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is hitting your child not abuse? Corporal punishment is abuse.

Its not appropriate but its not illegal. Its abuse if you leave marks or bruises. While many of us disagree, many parents feel differently and still use it. If OP feels its abuse, she can make a CPS report. You may not agree, nor I but that is not abuse.

NP. It doesn’t have to be illegal to be abuse.

OP, protect your poor child.

Please tell OP what she should do. If she makes a CSP report as a parent, and particularly after a report was found to be unfounded, a judge could easily find that she is alienating her child and take away custody time from her. If she refuses to present her child for custody time with dad, same thing. I have a friend whose ex was convicted of felony child abuse (not related to their shared child) and that person still got 50% custody. I would be so stressed and livid if I was OP, but OP has very little space in which to work without risking her own time with her child. But if you have amazing ideas, please share, I would love to be wrong about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I'm curious if it's worth pursuing with the other parent or that will make dad feel alienated, it's why I asked. DC is in therapy, concerns about spending time with dad are legitimate but not concerning, meaning dad physically disciplines, I don't, prone to anger, etc. so child feels unsafe but it's not enough to be abuse. Otoh, I don't want full custody, oto, is my child better off with me and getting access to dad?

For some of the posters above, I haven't said anything bad about dad, we've had 50/50 custody since DC was 3, and DC. I wasn't always the favorite, it was dad till about 4 years ago, since then it's been constant drama transitioning, which is why we started therapy. The therapist agrees that it doesn't help that we both have different parenting styles but that also it's quite unlikely things will change. Dad is not open to stop physical discipline for one and does it just so it's at the border of concern but not abuse. It's not just the hitting that DC doens't like but I've given enough info as is.

I grew up worrying that my father would kill me. He had a temper and spanked me often. When he'd yell, he ROARED. I was a senior in high school before I realized that NOT everyone is afraid of their father. I nearly peed my pants any time an older male yelled at me - it always made me tear up. College professors, bosses, customers, etc. The fear was just SO HUGE. So, I would not just dismiss your Ex's physicalness with your daughter. It is shaping who she will become, and it is shaping how she views relationships with men.

I agree with the above. Corporal punishment is ineffective and can cause long term psychological damage. I would not force her to go. Stand up for your daughter OP and let her abusive dad take you back to court. Frankly her therapist should be working with your ex to utilize other forms of discipline. Given the situation most judges would recommend your dd and her dad go to family therapy and not force a child to go somewhere where she feels unsafe.

This is a really bad idea and is likely to get you sanctioned by the court. If you think the situation is so bad that it warrants a change in custody you need to file and have the order modified. I really doubt it's going to happen since your ex is acting within the bounds of the law whether you agree with it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is hitting your child not abuse? Corporal punishment is abuse.

Its not appropriate but its not illegal. Its abuse if you leave marks or bruises. While many of us disagree, many parents feel differently and still use it. If OP feels its abuse, she can make a CPS report. You may not agree, nor I but that is not abuse.

NP. It doesn’t have to be illegal to be abuse.

OP, protect your poor child.

Please tell OP what she should do. If she makes a CSP report as a parent, and particularly after a report was found to be unfounded, a judge could easily find that she is alienating her child and take away custody time from her. If she refuses to present her child for custody time with dad, same thing. I have a friend whose ex was convicted of felony child abuse (not related to their shared child) and that person still got 50% custody. I would be so stressed and livid if I was OP, but OP has very little space in which to work without risking her own time with her child. But if you have amazing ideas, please share, I would love to be wrong about this.

This is off topic but felony child abuse and they still have 50/50 custody??? How is that possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is hitting your child not abuse? Corporal punishment is abuse.

Its not appropriate but its not illegal. Its abuse if you leave marks or bruises. While many of us disagree, many parents feel differently and still use it. If OP feels its abuse, she can make a CPS report. You may not agree, nor I but that is not abuse.

NP. It doesn’t have to be illegal to be abuse.

OP, protect your poor child.

Please tell OP what she should do. If she makes a CSP report as a parent, and particularly after a report was found to be unfounded, a judge could easily find that she is alienating her child and take away custody time from her. If she refuses to present her child for custody time with dad, same thing. I have a friend whose ex was convicted of felony child abuse (not related to their shared child) and that person still got 50% custody. I would be so stressed and livid if I was OP, but OP has very little space in which to work without risking her own time with her child. But if you have amazing ideas, please share, I would love to be wrong about this.

This is off topic but felony child abuse and they still have 50/50 custody??? How is that possible?

Yeah, I'm the person who posted that. I don't know all the details, but I think the crime had been committed when the person was much younger and under the influence, and the person now presents themself as a reformed, upstanding, church going member of society (not counting the restraining orders from multiple ex girlfriends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, I don't think what dad is doing is healthy or right for our DC, in short, CPS was called and they determined that while it's not right, he's within his legal rights. For the troll, I wasn't the one who called CPS. And dad pays me nothing as we both make equal money so go troll your mom.

I'd happily take up a fight for my daughter if I was convinced it's the right thing to do, it's why I'm online asking strangers for advice.

I like the idea of spending more time and money on making a child resilient. Life is going to be a series of challenges, so they need to know to deal with them. I think the therapist is fantastic for DC, she tried to work with dad on discipline, dad is good at saying OK and not doing. There's not much else she can do.

If I'm to take my ex to court over custody, I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for my kid, and maybe that is limiting time with dad and maybe that isn't. Maybe it is teaching my kid how to deal with an angry, physically disciplining dad. I tried to talk to my ex, but it goes no where.

Anyway, I appreciate the thoughtful responses I go, and for the trolls, this is getting old. I'm sorry you're so angry but maybe get a hobby.

Although if one of those future challenges is someone hitting you, like at work for instance, you report them to HR and perhaps call the police. I could not send my child to another parent who was physically hurting my child. I could not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, I don't think what dad is doing is healthy or right for our DC, in short, CPS was called and they determined that while it's not right, he's within his legal rights. For the troll, I wasn't the one who called CPS. And dad pays me nothing as we both make equal money so go troll your mom.

I'd happily take up a fight for my daughter if I was convinced it's the right thing to do, it's why I'm online asking strangers for advice.

I like the idea of spending more time and money on making a child resilient. Life is going to be a series of challenges, so they need to know to deal with them. I think the therapist is fantastic for DC, she tried to work with dad on discipline, dad is good at saying OK and not doing. There's not much else she can do.

If I'm to take my ex to court over custody, I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for my kid, and maybe that is limiting time with dad and maybe that isn't. Maybe it is teaching my kid how to deal with an angry, physically disciplining dad. I tried to talk to my ex, but it goes no where.

Anyway, I appreciate the thoughtful responses I go, and for the trolls, this is getting old. I'm sorry you're so angry but maybe get a hobby.

This wouldn’t be good enough for me as a parent. Go back to court, show that CPS had to be called, that your child is scared and nervy at spending time at her father’s, and see what they say. At the very least, this may scare your ex into dialing back on the corporal punishment.

[Anonymous]

At ten what is your DD doing that makes her father hit/spank her as discipline? Does she say?

Maybe you should approach this from a "Hey, exH, in case you haven't noticed your daughter has reached an age (pre-pubescent) where it is no longer appropriate for her FATHER to be physically disciplining her."

I'm quite shocked her therapist hasn't brought this up.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried getting a guardian ad litem appointed? I don't know if it's possible to do that if you haven't had what the court considered a significant change in circumstances, but might be worth exploring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, I don't think what dad is doing is healthy or right for our DC, in short, CPS was called and they determined that while it's not right, he's within his legal rights. For the troll, I wasn't the one who called CPS. And dad pays me nothing as we both make equal money so go troll your mom.

I'd happily take up a fight for my daughter if I was convinced it's the right thing to do, it's why I'm online asking strangers for advice.

I like the idea of spending more time and money on making a child resilient. Life is going to be a series of challenges, so they need to know to deal with them. I think the therapist is fantastic for DC, she tried to work with dad on discipline, dad is good at saying OK and not doing. There's not much else she can do.

If I'm to take my ex to court over custody, I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for my kid, and maybe that is limiting time with dad and maybe that isn't. Maybe it is teaching my kid how to deal with an angry, physically disciplining dad. I tried to talk to my ex, but it goes no where.

Anyway, I appreciate the thoughtful responses I go, and for the trolls, this is getting old. I'm sorry you're so angry but maybe get a hobby.

OP, I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I agree with others that this is abuse, no matter what the CPS determination is. And I definitely agree with the PP that corporal punishment of a 10 year old is very outside normal. What is she being disciplined for and how?

In regard to the bolded I absolutely think this is worth taking up the fight, but if you're going to take it up, take it up to win.

If I were you I would take a two step, long term approach. Step one is continuing to support your daughter - with therapy and whatever else she needs. And with a therapist that's willing to testify in court should that become necessary. And you need to find someone skilled that can help you navigate how you support your daughter while she's in a situation that you aren't allowed to legally change at this time. And you want to avoid alienation. I don't think that's healthy for her. If the therapist offers parenting classes or recommends one, I'd consider going.

Second, 10 may be too young for a judge to fully consider a child's wishes, but a child's wishes coupled with detailed information on why the child feels that way may carry more weight. I'd start documenting everything she tells you. Not grilling her upon her arrival home, but if she mentions he hit her, document it. Start researching - maybe call domestic violence organizations and find a lawyer that will help you put together a plan, someone that has done this before. If dad has been given a chance to make a change and won't, then that's on him. But I don't think your kid should have to just take it without any effort by you to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, I don't think what dad is doing is healthy or right for our DC, in short, CPS was called and they determined that while it's not right, he's within his legal rights. For the troll, I wasn't the one who called CPS. And dad pays me nothing as we both make equal money so go troll your mom.

I'd happily take up a fight for my daughter if I was convinced it's the right thing to do, it's why I'm online asking strangers for advice.

I like the idea of spending more time and money on making a child resilient. Life is going to be a series of challenges, so they need to know to deal with them. I think the therapist is fantastic for DC, she tried to work with dad on discipline, dad is good at saying OK and not doing. There's not much else she can do.

If I'm to take my ex to court over custody, I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for my kid, and maybe that is limiting time with dad and maybe that isn't. Maybe it is teaching my kid how to deal with an angry, physically disciplining dad. I tried to talk to my ex, but it goes no where.

Anyway, I appreciate the thoughtful responses I go, and for the trolls, this is getting old. I'm sorry you're so angry but maybe get a hobby.

OP, I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I agree with others that this is abuse, no matter what the CPS determination is. And I definitely agree with the PP that corporal punishment of a 10 year old is very outside normal. What is she being disciplined for and how?

In regard to the bolded I absolutely think this is worth taking up the fight, but if you're going to take it up, take it up to win.

If I were you I would take a two step, long term approach. Step one is continuing to support your daughter - with therapy and whatever else she needs. And with a therapist that's willing to testify in court should that become necessary. And you need to find someone skilled that can help you navigate how you support your daughter while she's in a situation that you aren't allowed to legally change at this time. And you want to avoid alienation. I don't think that's healthy for her. If the therapist offers parenting classes or recommends one, I'd consider going.

Second, 10 may be too young for a judge to fully consider a child's wishes, but a child's wishes coupled with detailed information on why the child feels that way may carry more weight. I'd start documenting everything she tells you. Not grilling her upon her arrival home, but if she mentions he hit her, document it. Start researching - maybe call domestic violence organizations and find a lawyer that will help you put together a plan, someone that has done this before. If dad has been given a chance to make a change and won't, then that's on him. But I don't think your kid should have to just take it without any effort by you to intervene.

All this is spot on, and I especially hope OP sees the last paragraph.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is hitting your child not abuse? Corporal punishment is abuse.

Its not appropriate but its not illegal. Its abuse if you leave marks or bruises. While many of us disagree, many parents feel differently and still use it. If OP feels its abuse, she can make a CPS report. You may not agree, nor I but that is not abuse.

NP. It doesn’t have to be illegal to be abuse.

OP, protect your poor child.

Please tell OP what she should do. If she makes a CSP report as a parent, and particularly after a report was found to be unfounded, a judge could easily find that she is alienating her child and take away custody time from her. If she refuses to present her child for custody time with dad, same thing. I have a friend whose ex was convicted of felony child abuse (not related to their shared child) and that person still got 50% custody. I would be so stressed and livid if I was OP, but OP has very little space in which to work without risking her own time with her child. But if you have amazing ideas, please share, I would love to be wrong about this.

This is off topic but felony child abuse and they still have 50/50 custody??? How is that possible?

Truly depends on the jurisdiction. These laws are OLD. Support some outdated environments that we have progressed from, too. This is why voting matters, especially on you local and state level elections. You would be surprised how easily influenced some of these towns/cities can be based on the level of civil engagement/activism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, I don't think what dad is doing is healthy or right for our DC, in short, CPS was called and they determined that while it's not right, he's within his legal rights. For the troll, I wasn't the one who called CPS. And dad pays me nothing as we both make equal money so go troll your mom.

I'd happily take up a fight for my daughter if I was convinced it's the right thing to do, it's why I'm online asking strangers for advice.

I like the idea of spending more time and money on making a child resilient. Life is going to be a series of challenges, so they need to know to deal with them. I think the therapist is fantastic for DC, she tried to work with dad on discipline, dad is good at saying OK and not doing. There's not much else she can do.

If I'm to take my ex to court over custody, I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for my kid, and maybe that is limiting time with dad and maybe that isn't. Maybe it is teaching my kid how to deal with an angry, physically disciplining dad. I tried to talk to my ex, but it goes no where.

Anyway, I appreciate the thoughtful responses I go, and for the trolls, this is getting old. I'm sorry you're so angry but maybe get a hobby.

OP, I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I agree with others that this is abuse, no matter what the CPS determination is. And I definitely agree with the PP that corporal punishment of a 10 year old is very outside normal. What is she being disciplined for and how?

In regard to the bolded I absolutely think this is worth taking up the fight, but if you're going to take it up, take it up to win.

If I were you I would take a two step, long term approach. Step one is continuing to support your daughter - with therapy and whatever else she needs. And with a therapist that's willing to testify in court should that become necessary. And you need to find someone skilled that can help you navigate how you support your daughter while she's in a situation that you aren't allowed to legally change at this time. And you want to avoid alienation. I don't think that's healthy for her. If the therapist offers parenting classes or recommends one, I'd consider going.

Second, 10 may be too young for a judge to fully consider a child's wishes, but a child's wishes coupled with detailed information on why the child feels that way may carry more weight. I'd start documenting everything she tells you. Not grilling her upon her arrival home, but if she mentions he hit her, document it. Start researching - maybe call domestic violence organizations and find a lawyer that will help you put together a plan, someone that has done this before. If dad has been given a chance to make a change and won't, then that's on him. But I don't think your kid should have to just take it without any effort by you to intervene.

All this is spot on, and I especially hope OP sees the last paragraph.

+100. I would also advise the school and her pediatrician if it is truly serious. So they can support with any behavioral changes they may notice during transition periods, and also direct to social community resources that may help. These situations are unfortunately very common.

[Anonymous]

Physical discipline of a 10 year old is abuse, not parenting. Even if it's "only" spanking, that's really creepy. Dad needs parenting classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is hitting your child not abuse? Corporal punishment is abuse.

Its not appropriate but its not illegal. Its abuse if you leave marks or bruises. While many of us disagree, many parents feel differently and still use it. If OP feels its abuse, she can make a CPS report. You may not agree, nor I but that is not abuse.

NP. It doesn’t have to be illegal to be abuse.

OP, protect your poor child.

OP and therapist are not saying its abuse.

What the hell is it then? He slaps her but doesn't leave a mark? Pulls her hair? Swats her? She's 10 years old!!! Dare he be spanking her! This is twisted.

Respect your daughter's body OP? It's telling that you mentioned, OTOH I don't want full custody