Disappointment that Santa isn’t real

[Anonymous]

Our almost 5 year old asked if Santa is real over the weekend and we told the truth. We’d agreed to follow her lead about Santa in the first place and not lie to her. We never made a big deal about Santa, but played along when she talked about it. She often asks if things are real: unicorns, fairies, magic, elves, etc. and we’ve told the truth about those. She connected that fairies aren’t real to the tooth fairy not being real. She has never seemed bothered by it. So we told the truth about Santa when she asked if he was real.

I told her we can still pretend about Santa just like we pretend about other stuff, and we can love Santa just as much as we love unicorns. We read a story about St Nicholas and the origins of Santa and she seemed to love it.

This morning we were listening to Christmas music, and “Santa Claus is coming to town” came on, and she said, really darkly, “no he isn’t because he isn’t real and it’s just mom and dad.” I said, “oh sweetheart, you sound really disappointed about that. Do you want to talk about it?” She didn’t answer. I just reiterated about having fun pretending and loving the idea of Santa even if he isn’t real.

Clearly we misjudged how she’d react to this, and she is still excited about Christmas, but I’m wondering if there are any ideas for other things we can say/do to make her feel better or ease the disappointment.

We did tell her not to tell anyone else, because kids learn about Santa at different times, and it’s not our job to tell people outside of our family about it. People believe different things and that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you took the magic away from a 4yo. It brings them such joy. You have made your bed though, so now you lay in it.

[Anonymous]

I hope this doesn't sound grinchy but you really don't have to ease the disappointment or make her feel better. It's ok to be disappointed and it's ok to be sad. In fact, it's imperative that kids experience these emotions and learn to manage them. This is part of growing up.

So, just empathize that it's a disappointment and don't try to fix it for her. You, too, need to learn to manage YOUR sadness about when your kid is sad or disappointed or else you'll always be rushing to fix it (whatever the "it" is) for them.

Also, FYI kids are often told not to tell anyone else but most do anyway! Even though parents think that their little Johnny would never tell, lol. Most kids learn through other kids and siblings. But, it's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you took the magic away from a 4yo. It brings them such joy. You have made your bed though, so now you lay in it.

That's real helpful, PP. You must be such a joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't sound grinchy but you really don't have to ease the disappointment or make her feel better. It's ok to be disappointed and it's ok to be sad. In fact, it's imperative that kids experience these emotions and learn to manage them. This is part of growing up.

So, just empathize that it's a disappointment and don't try to fix it for her. You, too, need to learn to manage YOUR sadness about when your kid is sad or disappointed or else you'll always be rushing to fix it (whatever the "it" is) for them.

Also, FYI kids are often told not to tell anyone else but most do anyway! Even though parents think that their little Johnny would never tell, lol. Most kids learn through other kids and siblings. But, it's ok.

Thanks. This is a helpful reminder. We did tell her it’s okay to feel sad/disappointed about it. You’re right that I’m struggling with my own feeling about her feelings.

She’s doing distance learning now and it’s just 90 minutes a day, so I’m hoping that she doesn’t have much opportunity to tell other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this doesn't sound grinchy but you really don't have to ease the disappointment or make her feel better. It's ok to be disappointed and it's ok to be sad. In fact, it's imperative that kids experience these emotions and learn to manage them. This is part of growing up.

So, just empathize that it's a disappointment and don't try to fix it for her. You, too, need to learn to manage YOUR sadness about when your kid is sad or disappointed or else you'll always be rushing to fix it (whatever the "it" is) for them.

Also, FYI kids are often told not to tell anyone else but most do anyway! Even though parents think that their little Johnny would never tell, lol. Most kids learn through other kids and siblings. But, it's ok.

I so agree with this!

[Anonymous]

We're going through this right now with our 8 yo.

I tried to explain that Santa Claus is the spirit of Christmas and the urge to give something to someone you love that you know will make them happy.

[Anonymous]

Kindly, I think the way to respond to that question (which we get constantly as well), is with "hmm, good question, what do you think? Do YOU think Santa is real?" Then if you get an enthusiastic "YES!", you know how to go from there (i.e., neither confirming nor denying).

That said, what's done is done. I think you empathize with how it feels sad and focus on other fun traditions. It may be a tough year, but hopefully next year she'll be more mature and able to process it better. And silver lining that it's a pandemic so fewer/no kids to blab to!

[Anonymous]

Kindly, I think the way to respond to that question (which we get constantly as well), is with "hmm, good question, what do you think? Do YOU think Santa is real?" Then if you get an enthusiastic "YES!", you know how to go from there (i.e., neither confirming nor denying).

That said, what's done is done. I think you empathize with how it feels sad and focus on other fun traditions. It may be a tough year, but hopefully next year she'll be more mature and able to process it better. And silver lining that it's a pandemic so fewer/no kids to blab to!

Yes! This is the right approach--you are just noncommittal and and answer questions with questions so that the kid slowly figures it out by themselves... and Santa is not "taken away" by someone else.

[Anonymous]

At that age, I wouldn’t have ruined the magic for her.

My kid turned 4 in October, so I guess not that much younger than yours. She definitely believes in Santa and we’re having fun with it.

All kids figure it out at some point. No need to rush it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're going through this right now with our 8 yo.

I tried to explain that Santa Claus is the spirit of Christmas and the urge to give something to someone you love that you know will make them happy.

Thisis what we did. Santa is the spirit of giving to others that everyone feels

[Anonymous]

bitch, Santa is real

[Anonymous]

My kid asked point blank at age 8 and said she wanted the truth. So I told her. She is almost 10 now and is still mad and upset at me that I didn't lie to her. I feel awful still and wish I had just said "Of course Santa is real" and dealt with the lying issue later.

[Anonymous]

My kid was told by another 4 year old at preschool. I did not want to lie either so that was it. However, kids are in college now and the magic of Santa is still very much a part of our Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Kindly, I think the way to respond to that question (which we get constantly as well), is with "hmm, good question, what do you think? Do YOU think Santa is real?" Then if you get an enthusiastic "YES!", you know how to go from there (i.e., neither confirming nor denying).

That said, what's done is done. I think you empathize with how it feels sad and focus on other fun traditions. It may be a tough year, but hopefully next year she'll be more mature and able to process it better. And silver lining that it's a pandemic so fewer/no kids to blab to!

Yes! This is the right approach--you are just noncommittal and and answer questions with questions so that the kid slowly figures it out by themselves... and Santa is not "taken away" by someone else.

OP here. We have tried this approach with many other things and she gets very upset about it, refuses to say what she thinks, and insists on being told the truth. In retrospect maybe we should have tried it again with this question, but, as you said, what’s done is done.