Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

People don’t think a 6 month old is sentient? Has attachment and emotions? This explains a lot

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rocket science. What would a child want if he or she could choose? It doesn’t mean the alternative is horrible. But no child would choose separation at 3 months or even 12 months. The problem is kids have no lobby, no voice.

My child would choose to eat ice cream for every meal. So I should do that too?

Poor analogy. Ice cream every meal is unhealthy. Having a loving, caring SAHM is not.

It’s not a poor analogy at all. Who cares what a kid would advocate for if they had a voice? And if you think it’s a bad analogy, you’re also saying it doesn’t matter what the kid wants (the kid definitely wants ice cream). The parent is making the decision in the end… you said kids have no voice and no one to lobby “for them” as if it mattered?

And, please, show me convincing outcomes based evidence that a “loving, caring, SAHM” is superior to not staying at home.

I'm the PP above this, but not the PP above that. I didn't say that a loving caring SAHM is superior to not staying home. But if a woman desires it, and a child desires it, and its possible for the family, I don't know why any family would not choose it if they could. I'm very thankful that it worked out for us, and for that my husband will have my eternal gratitude.

How the F does a 6 month old desire a SAHP vs a working parent? Seriously. How deluded are you that you think there’s some complex cost/benefit analysis being done by a newborn?

I guess yours never cried when you left?

Ok, so we are back at the ice cream analogy.

What a kid “wants” in the moment (even if the crying actually was associated with leaving and not something unrelated) has no bearing on what is best for them.

Honestly this just reinforces that the reasoning that leads one to be a SAHP is the same reasoning that leads to spoiling and being overbearing.

As far as I can tell in this thread, I see a lot of working parents who said “we did this because we thought it was the best choice for us” and a bunch of SAHP who say “we did this because it was clearly the best” and their kids WANTED it? Yeah ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rocket science. What would a child want if he or she could choose? It doesn’t mean the alternative is horrible. But no child would choose separation at 3 months or even 12 months. The problem is kids have no lobby, no voice.

My child would choose to eat ice cream for every meal. So I should do that too?

Poor analogy. Ice cream every meal is unhealthy. Having a loving, caring SAHM is not.

It’s not a poor analogy at all. Who cares what a kid would advocate for if they had a voice? And if you think it’s a bad analogy, you’re also saying it doesn’t matter what the kid wants (the kid definitely wants ice cream). The parent is making the decision in the end… you said kids have no voice and no one to lobby “for them” as if it mattered?

And, please, show me convincing outcomes based evidence that a “loving, caring, SAHM” is superior to not staying at home.

I'm the PP above this, but not the PP above that. I didn't say that a loving caring SAHM is superior to not staying home. But if a woman desires it, and a child desires it, and its possible for the family, I don't know why any family would not choose it if they could. I'm very thankful that it worked out for us, and for that my husband will have my eternal gratitude.

How the F does a 6 month old desire a SAHP vs a working parent? Seriously. How deluded are you that you think there’s some complex cost/benefit analysis being done by a newborn?

I'm a working parent and this is a weird comment to me. My kid has definitely always preferred me or my DH over daycare. It was one of the reasons I decided to switch to a nanny share -- DD was able to develop a stronger bond with the nanny than she could with the daycare workers and that made her clearly happier to be there than in the daycare.

Got it. Your kid “preferred” you or your husband to a third party and to remedy this, you enlisted a… third party? Maybe the problem was the daycare you went to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don’t think a 6 month old is sentient? Has attachment and emotions? This explains a lot

Gosh, maybe it was because I was a working parent but my child didn’t whip out the spread sheet to assess the pros/cons of their child rearing decisions until 18 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom went back to work full time when I was less than two months old. My dad also worked full time. I had a combinations of nannies and then preschool before starting elementary school. It would never occur to me to say that I was raised by anyone besides my parents.

That's a pretty rude attitude toward child care providers.

and teachers... clearly your children are being "raised" by teachers.

They are. It’s why schools are so important.

So you are not raising your children after all.

Not alone, no, and none of us are. It’s good to realize that so we fully appreciate the people around us molding the next generation of young people. As parents we do our best, but are NOT the sole influencers, nor should that be the goal.

That’s not the definition of “raise”.

My neighbor isn’t raising my child simply because they had a play date there once.

Disagree. I absolutely think teachers who spend a significant amount of time with my kids (not just your neighbor’s one playdate) are helping to raise my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not rocket science. What would a child want if he or she could choose? It doesn’t mean the alternative is horrible. But no child would choose separation at 3 months or even 12 months. The problem is kids have no lobby, no voice.

My child would choose to eat ice cream for every meal. So I should do that too?

Poor analogy. Ice cream every meal is unhealthy. Having a loving, caring SAHM is not.

It’s not a poor analogy at all. Who cares what a kid would advocate for if they had a voice? And if you think it’s a bad analogy, you’re also saying it doesn’t matter what the kid wants (the kid definitely wants ice cream). The parent is making the decision in the end… you said kids have no voice and no one to lobby “for them” as if it mattered?

And, please, show me convincing outcomes based evidence that a “loving, caring, SAHM” is superior to not staying at home.

I'm the PP above this, but not the PP above that. I didn't say that a loving caring SAHM is superior to not staying home. But if a woman desires it, and a child desires it, and its possible for the family, I don't know why any family would not choose it if they could. I'm very thankful that it worked out for us, and for that my husband will have my eternal gratitude.

How the F does a 6 month old desire a SAHP vs a working parent? Seriously. How deluded are you that you think there’s some complex cost/benefit analysis being done by a newborn?

I'm a working parent and this is a weird comment to me. My kid has definitely always preferred me or my DH over daycare. It was one of the reasons I decided to switch to a nanny share -- DD was able to develop a stronger bond with the nanny than she could with the daycare workers and that made her clearly happier to be there than in the daycare.

Got it. Your kid “preferred” you or your husband to a third party and to remedy this, you enlisted a… third party? Maybe the problem was the daycare you went to?

No. I'm saying it was self-evident to me that at that age kids need to bond fairly closely with their caregivers and that a daycare environment made this harder because it was not the same person all day. This was a daycare I'd happily send an older child too but it just seemed obvious to my DH and I that drop off would go better if our DD was going to someone who they had a more secure bond with than one of 4 daycare workers who worked with infants in a daycare. When we switched to a nanny DD fairly quickly came to recognize our great nanny as a loving and caring caregiver and was totally comfortable going to her in the morning.

Thus it's fairly intuitive to me that she also would have preferred to stay with DH or I rather than got the daycare. While a nanny (or grandparent or au pair) can become like a parent stand in I don't think a daycare worker can (maybe in a very small daycare with only a few kids and just a couple workers?).

It just seems weird to say an infant can't express a preference in caregiver or that if they did it doesn't matter. If your infant was crying the entire time they were at daycare would you be like "whatever I've decided this is what is best for you" or would you take that to mean that something about the situation was not meeting your child's needs and make a different choice? I don't know a single working parent who wouldn't change care providers in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Bashing the innate needs and humanity of infants is not a good look.

If an adult has an intellectual disability and can’t assess their own care or surroundings, do those things not matter? The most vulnerable among us deserve more, not less, consideration. Putting ourselves in their shoes in the least we can do. I think a nanny or good daycare worker can do this to a significant extent—as long as they have a more empathetic view of kids than PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don’t think a 6 month old is sentient? Has attachment and emotions? This explains a lot

Gosh, maybe it was because I was a working parent but my child didn’t whip out the spread sheet to assess the pros/cons of their child rearing decisions until 18 months old.

Your take on this is extremely weird. Obviously no one is suggesting an infant could articulate a preference with words (or spreadsheets) but that doesn't mean they could have and express one.

You come off as though you simply do not care at all how your child experiences their childhood and most people (regardless of whether they work) care about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two teens here with two observations:

1) my kids friends are all really great, smart, well mannered, kind kids. I couldn’t tell you which ones had SAHMs and which ones had WOHMs if I didn’t know their parents (I know many but not all and it’s a mix of both working and non working parents - they all raised awesome kids).


2) this concept of raising your own children is a relatively new phenomenon. Ever heard of the term “it takes a village”? I also have seen some studies that say that working parents now spend significantly more time with their children than stay at home moms did 20-30 years ago. Probably because there isn’t really a village anymore.

Interesting how everyone is just passing by and ignoring this post. As a mom of older ES kids, I agree - all of my children's friends are wonderful kids. Some of them have SAHMs, some of them have two working parents. They're all great kids. If it makes you ladies feel better to put down working moms and tell us we're ruining our children forever, then fine, go ahead, but my kids have turned out great so far, even with a mom who sent them to daycare.

I agree that there are great kids of working parents and great kids of stay at home parents. But the topic isn't about outcomes/how the kids turn out in the end as a result of who raises them. The topic is about who IS actually raising the kids and, although I'd never say this to anyone and think it's totally rude to do so, you can't really argue that parents who both work and whose kids either go to daycare or have a nanny or a grandparent or whoever take care of them are being 100% raised by their parents. They hardly even see their parents. They spend most of their time w/ someone other than their parents. It's just not possible that their parents are the main ones raising them.

Except every parent with kids in school or preschool do this and you are saying only the SAH person is raising their Child, even though the working parent sees the child just as much.

This thread is largely about kids who are not yet school age.

Though also lots of preschools are not full time so are not meant to be full time childcare -- my child attended a half day preschool starting at age 2.5 which was great and helped her get ready for kindergarten. It was 3 hours a day.

And even once you have school age kids... my kid is off today and tomorrow and monday. He's been sick 4 days in the last month due to RSV and a bad cold going around his school. 10 weeks off in summer. Winter break (2 weeks) and spring break (1 week). Random PD days throughout the year. And the kicker -- school ends at 2:30pm.

Even once kids are in school SAHP see their kids a lot more than full time working parents. And I say that as a working parent. You can't deny facts.

This is why many people can't just get a job once their child is school age. It's cheaper and less stress to just have one parent on-call for all the p.i.t.a. kid related issues, especially if the other parent is a high earner. If we both worked, we have literally nobody to cover all the days when kids aren't in school and need care at home. I don't care who looks down on it. Half the families at my school have a SAHP because they have the same problem. Preschool is so few hours during the week we skipped it for all the children and just taught them to read and write and do math at home before they started K, also saved a lot of money there.

Before I had kids and was working, I didn't really feel I was doing anything all that important. So many of these jobs that people think are high status will be replaced by automation and AI. Might as well raise your kids and let the status obsessed folks do their thing.

And yet tons of working parents have figured out how to work and be able to care for their kids on sick days, etc. Sorry you couldn't, but that doesn't mean others can't.

Tons of parents have figured out how to care for their kids without needing two incomes. Sorry you couldn’t, but that doesn’t mean others can’t.

Some of us want our kids to be raised by both parents. Sorry all your husband can do is make money.

Please explain your logic.

If I work 40 hours per week and my husband works 40 hours per week, then we are both raising the kids, right? But according to you, if I work 0 hours per week and my husband works 40 hours per week, then he is no longer raising the kids?

Go to the relationship forum and talk to the women there whose h’s work too much, work 60 hours a week, get home after bedtime, work weekends, travel, are gone 10-12 hours a day are never home, never help, don’t know the teachers names, etc.

They can explain it to you.

Not according to me, according to OP anybody who works isn’t raising their kids. My H and I stagger our schedule and we both are raising our children

So… you’ve got nothing. Color me shocked.

(Also, are all of the women complaining about workaholic husbands SAHMs? In THIS area? You’re conflating two separate issues.)

So I explained it and you still don’t get it.

Not shocked.

I still think the best thing for kids is to have a dad who is heavily involved in their care.

You didn’t explain anything. You “answered” my question about a 40 hour per week job by vaguely pointing “over there” where some guys work 60 hours! Not relevant.

My husband works the *exact same* 40 hour per week job now that he did before I quit. He is actually able to be MORE involved with the kids because I get all those pesky chores done during the week so he can just work, then come home and be 100% on as Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a huge difference to the kids though to have a more relaxed morning and to be able to come home and rest after school instead of staying in aftercare.

I stopped working when I had my kids, went back part-time when they started school and now that they are in high school I am increasing my hours close to full-time. I have always worked from home and have an intellectually stimulating job.

I realize that I am very lucky and not everyone has the same options as I do. I have no judgment, only sympathy, for those who would prefer to stay home with kids but have to work due to financial reasons.

I will never regret staying home with the kids when they were young. I truly believe that having one lovung and engaged parent stay home is the very best for the children. Those were also some of the best years of my life and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity.

My husband and I both work full-time and our kids have never done aftercare, they come home right after school because one or both of us is home. Good for you and your set up, but stop acting like either kids who do aftercare are going to end up in group homes or that many working parents don't have their kids in aftercare.

First of all: she’s not doing that.

Second: you don’t get to say this AFTER making sure to point out that YOUR kids have NEVER done aftercare. Hypocrite.

My point is that I have no dog in the aftercare fight because I've never used it so I'm not sensitive/offended.

Saying there's a HUGE difference in kids who do aftercare and those that don't is ridiculous at best and disgusting at worst. But go ahead and call people names when you don't understand. It really helps get your point across.

You’re rolling your eyes at me pointing out that you white knight aftercare after making sure to point out that your precious angels have never been in aftercare. Just admit that you’re a virtue signaling hypocrite. Or as the kids these days like to say, “take the L”.

(And my kids have actually been in aftercare and outcomes aside, it sucked and stressed them out. So like the poster whose post you completely misinterpreted, I went part time so my kids wouldn’t have to deal with that nonsense. But I speak from actual experience, not from my ivory tower.)

It is truly impossible to have a conversation with people like you.

Sorry your kids couldn't hack it in aftercare.

???

Is this a flex? Like my kids wouldn’t survive the Hunger Games but your kids have been out there training with their crossbows since they were babies? Okay, I concede. You win.

But yeah, my kids couldn’t hack it in aftercare (whatever the he!! that’s even supposed to mean) so I… took them out of aftercare.

If kids are thriving in aftercare then that’s wonderful, but not all aftercare is the same and not all kids are the same. I would think that’s obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I was significantly more open to SAHP for my next child until reading this thread. The train of thought that leads one to believe that it’s an absolute truth that SAHP is superior to daycare is so twisted and unfounded that it’s been a real awakening to me that it’s not a perspective I subscribe to at all. Imagine thinking the only way to do something well, is to be the only one doing it. I alone can fix it!! The arrogance, self-centered ness, and unfounded confidence for people who have experience doing this, 0, 1, or at best 2 times in their lives? They think this experience puts them as better than anything else? Wow!!

It’s funny because we moved to an area that a lot of posters on here love to put down. But we have excellent early childhood education from 0-12 years old. Apparently, all that big city living that you value so much comes with some drawbacks when it comes to finding quality child care?

There are so many ways to do things correctly! Just because you picked something that works for you, doesn’t make it “best” or the “only”way or even better. It’s just the way you picked.

Unless you’re going to be able to produce a large population study showing kids who were the product of a SAHM have lower incidence of mental health, higher performers athletically, academically, and professionally, lower incidence of drug and alcohol abuse, and lower rates of committing crimes than kids who didn’t, I’m not interested in your theories.

It’s just a choice. Stop being so damned insecure about it.

Lady, if you don’t want to stay home with your next kid then don’t. If you do want to stay home, the stay home.

Stop expecting all the other women of the world to do your thinking for you. Talk about insecure, JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I was significantly more open to SAHP for my next child until reading this thread. The train of thought that leads one to believe that it’s an absolute truth that SAHP is superior to daycare is so twisted and unfounded that it’s been a real awakening to me that it’s not a perspective I subscribe to at all. Imagine thinking the only way to do something well, is to be the only one doing it. I alone can fix it!! The arrogance, self-centered ness, and unfounded confidence for people who have experience doing this, 0, 1, or at best 2 times in their lives? They think this experience puts them as better than anything else? Wow!!

It’s funny because we moved to an area that a lot of posters on here love to put down. But we have excellent early childhood education from 0-12 years old. Apparently, all that big city living that you value so much comes with some drawbacks when it comes to finding quality child care?

There are so many ways to do things correctly! Just because you picked something that works for you, doesn’t make it “best” or the “only”way or even better. It’s just the way you picked.

Unless you’re going to be able to produce a large population study showing kids who were the product of a SAHM have lower incidence of mental health, higher performers athletically, academically, and professionally, lower incidence of drug and alcohol abuse, and lower rates of committing crimes than kids who didn’t, I’m not interested in your theories.

It’s just a choice. Stop being so damned insecure about it.

Lady, if you don’t want to stay home with your next kid then don’t. If you do want to stay home, the stay home.

Stop expecting all the other women of the world to do your thinking for you. Talk about insecure, JFC.

*whoooooosh*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I was significantly more open to SAHP for my next child until reading this thread. The train of thought that leads one to believe that it’s an absolute truth that SAHP is superior to daycare is so twisted and unfounded that it’s been a real awakening to me that it’s not a perspective I subscribe to at all. Imagine thinking the only way to do something well, is to be the only one doing it. I alone can fix it!! The arrogance, self-centered ness, and unfounded confidence for people who have experience doing this, 0, 1, or at best 2 times in their lives? They think this experience puts them as better than anything else? Wow!!

It’s funny because we moved to an area that a lot of posters on here love to put down. But we have excellent early childhood education from 0-12 years old. Apparently, all that big city living that you value so much comes with some drawbacks when it comes to finding quality child care?

There are so many ways to do things correctly! Just because you picked something that works for you, doesn’t make it “best” or the “only”way or even better. It’s just the way you picked.

Unless you’re going to be able to produce a large population study showing kids who were the product of a SAHM have lower incidence of mental health, higher performers athletically, academically, and professionally, lower incidence of drug and alcohol abuse, and lower rates of committing crimes than kids who didn’t, I’m not interested in your theories.

It’s just a choice. Stop being so damned insecure about it.

You won't stay at home with your next child because of some Internet thread?

[Anonymous]

I am not offended by anything a woman who doesn’t work says to be honest. I subconsciously trust the judgment of my friends who are doctors/software engineers (yes these are all women) over the opinions of my SAHM friends. I’m not proud of this and would never admit it to anyone but it’s the truth.

[Anonymous]

People should live their life without major regrets. That is what I did. I hope all of you did too.