Why are parents so unempowered?

[Anonymous]

Am I missing something here? I read all these posts by moms who can’t get their toddler out of their bed, or the paci out of their toddler’s mouths, or food into the toddler etc. And then there’s parents with babies who hit them, are rude to them, throw tantrums and bite/scratch each other. I don’t consider myself a perfect parent (god forbid!) but this is just an anathema to me. My kids have always gone to bed at 6.30 (cuddles, sickness and night feeds not withstanding) because why would you get a child into a pattern that you then have to break? Why would you do something different and then try and ‘train’ them otherwise? We have zero tolerance for hitting, spitting etc and have a time-out/no treat consequence-combo that seems to do the trick. If any one of my babies are mean to me then they get no bedtime stories with daddy and no mommy-notes (I generally write them little snippets about stuff I love about them each night for bedtime) until they apologize properly. When did the littlest inmates take over the asylum? Why are parents so unempowered that they are held ransom by their kids? I find myself reading so many of these posts (which are helpful for the most part because we’re all feeling our way here) and wondering why people let their kids dictate their own lives. I don’t comment on most of the strands because others say things much more eloquently than myself but I find myself wanting to urge parents to take control. If you don’t like getting up a zillion times a night to put the paci back in then don’t do it. Chuck the darn thing in the bin. If you worry that the toddler in your bed is wrecking your marriage then get the toddler out of the bed and into a cot. If you think your child is disrespectful then ask yourself: is there a consequence or does the child just think s/he can get away with it? (Same goes for husbands I might add). We all seem to lament that children (writ large) are more selfish and demanding but is it surprising when they are given the impression that a few tears gets instant gratification – even if it’s not in their best interests?

There we go. I feel better now.

[Anonymous]

Well written.

I have get annoyed with posts that are "what do you feed you X month/year old child?" or "what is your nap schedule for X?" or "when do I brush my kids' teeth?"

I guess I get annoyed with these because no two babies/kids are alike and no two households and parenting styles are alike so it boggles me as to what type an answer these folks are looking for - justification, reasoning, a pat on the back? If there is nothing wrong, then why fix it? If your baby/child is thriving and doing well, then keep your feeding schedule, don't change the nap times, continue your routine until a growth spurt comes along and the baby/child is develops into the next phase.

Had to get that off my chest.

[Anonymous]

Things are simply more complicated than you're willing to admit. To OP and PP, when things start happening in your family that you haven't anticipated, that you can't explain, at which you can't wave your magic wand, perhaps when some of the "solutions" you've implemented turn out to have side effects, like all effective medicine -- and they will -- I hope you'll come back, sheepishly and with your tail between your legs, to this listserv, and share with us. And then, maybe, ask for some advice!

[Anonymous]

5:39 here. Change "willing to admit" in prior message to "aware." Didn't mean to imply willful blindness, just that we all get ambushed eventually by something we didn't expect or that scares or upsets us. For example, your kid wants to stay in his room rather than go outside to play with neighborhood kids. It's not so simple to figure out whether and how to get that kid out of his/her room to engage in social activity, which you might understandably believe to be in his/her best interests. A child who resists homework may be struggling with an undetected learning disability; while it's undetected, though, in the name of "controlling the asylum," you may find yourself forcing a round peg into a square hole, with predictably unproductive results.

I'm just saying . . . one size doesn't fit all, and won't even always fit you and your child(ren) as you all continue to grow and change in all different directions.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't believe you withhold love notes from your child as a punishment. How awful!!! I do agree with most of what you've written, but snuggles and love from mom and dad should never be the carrot you dangle to get them to behave. That's just terrible. There are a thousand other treats, toys, and activites that kids encounter in their lives that can and should be withheld if needed -- but not mom and dad and their display of love.

[Anonymous]

OP - while I agree with much of what you are saying and do appreciate the occassional wake-up call, I also contend there are many poeple who live in different situations and have very different children. Please keep in mind that not everyone's lives are simple...okay, no one has a simple life but they are all in varying degrees. There are also many philosophies which abound and no one method is proven effective for every child or for every situation.

To the second poster.....while I have not posted questions similar to the ones you seem to abhor, I certainly have no problem with others doing so. Some of us might trust our instincts, many of us have family or friends to ask simple questions, or perhaps have been around young children to varying degrees in our lives.....again others do not have that experience or opportunity. I am glad they have this forum to post their questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't believe you withhold love notes from your child as a punishment. How awful!!! I do agree with most of what you've written, but snuggles and love from mom and dad should never be the carrot you dangle to get them to behave. That's just terrible. There are a thousand other treats, toys, and activites that kids encounter in their lives that can and should be withheld if needed -- but not mom and dad and their display of love.

I completely agree with this. I'd rather have an unruly child than one that was afraid of misbehaving out of fear of losing my love.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't believe you withhold love notes from your child as a punishment. How awful!!! I do agree with most of what you've written, but snuggles and love from mom and dad should never be the carrot you dangle to get them to behave. That's just terrible. There are a thousand other treats, toys, and activites that kids encounter in their lives that can and should be withheld if needed -- but not mom and dad and their display of love.

I must admit that I had the same thought. That and the infantilizing of the husband by seeming to imply that the same system of consequences that we use with our children should be used with our spouse. I think it is fine if it works for you guys, but I can tell you that my spouse would never put up with it-- which proves the earlier posters' points that different things work for different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I missing something here? I read all these posts by moms who can’t get their toddler out of their bed, or the paci out of their toddler’s mouths, or food into the toddler etc. And then there’s parents with babies who hit them, are rude to them, throw tantrums and bite/scratch each other. I don’t consider myself a perfect parent (god forbid!) but this is just an anathema to me. My kids have always gone to bed at 6.30 (cuddles, sickness and night feeds not withstanding) because why would you get a child into a pattern that you then have to break? Why would you do something different and then try and ‘train’ them otherwise? We have zero tolerance for hitting, spitting etc and have a time-out/no treat consequence-combo that seems to do the trick. If any one of my babies are mean to me then they get no bedtime stories with daddy and no mommy-notes (I generally write them little snippets about stuff I love about them each night for bedtime) until they apologize properly. When did the littlest inmates take over the asylum? Why are parents so unempowered that they are held ransom by their kids? I find myself reading so many of these posts (which are helpful for the most part because we’re all feeling our way here) and wondering why people let their kids dictate their own lives. I don’t comment on most of the strands because others say things much more eloquently than myself but I find myself wanting to urge parents to take control. If you don’t like getting up a zillion times a night to put the paci back in then don’t do it. Chuck the darn thing in the bin. If you worry that the toddler in your bed is wrecking your marriage then get the toddler out of the bed and into a cot. If you think your child is disrespectful then ask yourself: is there a consequence or does the child just think s/he can get away with it? (Same goes for husbands I might add). We all seem to lament that children (writ large) are more selfish and demanding but is it surprising when they are given the impression that a few tears gets instant gratification – even if it’s not in their best interests?

There we go. I feel better now.

I have witnessed homes like yours where the kids are walking around on egg shells for fear of upsetting mom, dad is a mere shadow in the house and the mother is glowing in the knowledge that she has everything "under control". I personally prefer to sacrifice complete order for a house with kids who are loved and secure in that love and a husband who is not too wary of leaving a dirty dish in the sink while we cuddle up and watch TV. I prefer working through issues with love rather than threatening to withhold that love should the issues not resolve in my time even if to others I seem out of control. I have also witnessed the product of such a household i.e. a friend of mine that grew up in a house like that and he has zero tolerance for everything with his wife and kids and it is not pretty sight.
Kudos to you for having succeeded in bring everyone to heel but a little more compassion for others would make you an even more perfect person than you are now if that were at all possible because it seems you have it all squared away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I missing something here? I read all these posts by moms who can’t get their toddler out of their bed, or the paci out of their toddler’s mouths, or food into the toddler etc. And then there’s parents with babies who hit them, are rude to them, throw tantrums and bite/scratch each other. I don’t consider myself a perfect parent (god forbid!) but this is just an anathema to me. My kids have always gone to bed at 6.30 (cuddles, sickness and night feeds not withstanding) because why would you get a child into a pattern that you then have to break? Why would you do something different and then try and ‘train’ them otherwise? We have zero tolerance for hitting, spitting etc and have a time-out/no treat consequence-combo that seems to do the trick. If any one of my babies are mean to me then they get no bedtime stories with daddy and no mommy-notes (I generally write them little snippets about stuff I love about them each night for bedtime) until they apologize properly. When did the littlest inmates take over the asylum? Why are parents so unempowered that they are held ransom by their kids? I find myself reading so many of these posts (which are helpful for the most part because we’re all feeling our way here) and wondering why people let their kids dictate their own lives. I don’t comment on most of the strands because others say things much more eloquently than myself but I find myself wanting to urge parents to take control. If you don’t like getting up a zillion times a night to put the paci back in then don’t do it. Chuck the darn thing in the bin. If you worry that the toddler in your bed is wrecking your marriage then get the toddler out of the bed and into a cot. If you think your child is disrespectful then ask yourself: is there a consequence or does the child just think s/he can get away with it? (Same goes for husbands I might add). We all seem to lament that children (writ large) are more selfish and demanding but is it surprising when they are given the impression that a few tears gets instant gratification – even if it’s not in their best interests?

There we go. I feel better now.

I have witnessed homes like yours where the kids are walking around on egg shells for fear of upsetting mom, dad is a mere shadow in the house and the mother is glowing in the knowledge that she has everything "under control". I personally prefer to sacrifice complete order for a house with kids who are loved and secure in that love and a husband who is not too wary of leaving a dirty dish in the sink while we cuddle up and watch TV. I prefer working through issues with love rather than threatening to withhold that love should the issues not resolve in my time even if to others I seem out of control. I have also witnessed the product of such a household i.e. a friend of mine that grew up in a house like that and he has zero tolerance for everything with his wife and kids and it is not pretty sight.
Kudos to you for having succeeded in bring everyone to heel but a little more compassion for others would make you an even more perfect person than you are now if that were at all possible because it seems you have it all squared away.

Great response PP!! I too have witnessed this type of household in which the children have no say and the parents are always right. Its awful. Way to develop self esteem OP. How about teaching your kids to make choices? Or showing them that we should respect individuals?

You obviously also have easy children. Not all of us have the types of kids that make it easy just to take something away from them. It's also a proven fact that some babies need things more than others (sucking on a paci, for example) - you have no clue what every family goes through.

To answer the question you posed, OP: I think you're missing A LOT.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad! I understand your general point (albeit random) but withholding love from a child is cruel and completely unnecessary. Please reconsider. There are many, many more effective ways of making sure your kids aren't obnoxious or ruling the house. Ones that don't require you to break the spirit and heart of a little one. This just kills me. And who is lamenting that children are selfish and demanding? They are CHILDREN. That is the way their brain works for now. As parents it is our job to guide them along in their development, but it is also our job to love them and nurture them. You can do both, I promise.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how many years of parenting experience OP has or how many kids.......but I do know from my own experience that I was also a "perfect" mom with obedient children, a clean house, a great schedule and the works. I could not understand how all others were tired all the time or frustrated with their children or confused about trying to have it all in terms of schedule and well behaved children. Then my 3rd child came along and everything came undone - maybe a combination of children's ages at this stage but definitely a different more high strung child - he is a real challenge. Daily - I remind myself of my smugness over the past few years and wish I could regain control over my household. Be careful how you judge others - you never know when that might be you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well written.

I have get annoyed with posts that are "what do you feed you X month/year old child?" or "what is your nap schedule for X?" or "when do I brush my kids' teeth?"

I guess I get annoyed with these because no two babies/kids are alike and no two households and parenting styles are alike so it boggles me as to what type an answer these folks are looking for - justification, reasoning, a pat on the back? If there is nothing wrong, then why fix it? If your baby/child is thriving and doing well, then keep your feeding schedule, don't change the nap times, continue your routine until a growth spurt comes along and the baby/child is develops into the next phase.

Had to get that off my chest.

Well, I have to get this off my chest: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD?!?! And what IS an acceptable question to you? And have you read any sort of parenting or baby care book? I am thinking no, because otherwise you would know that while obviously no 2 kids are identical, there certainly ARE many commonalities in stages and ages. There ARE recommended foods that most babies like. There ARE recommended nap schedules that work well for most babies. There ARE guidelines on when and how to brush teeth. And the entire point of this message board is to share things just like this that might offer a better or different way to do it. What are YOU looking for?? That's what "boggles me."

[Anonymous]

I am totally annoyed with the second poster. This forum is the PERFECT place to ask the kinds of questions she abhors "what do you feed/ what time does DC go to bed, etc".

The 7:35 poster put it well, that not all of us have been around many kids or have people/family to ask or it is our first baby and we are not sure whether our instincts are right or not or we see other babies out and about doing X and ours is doing Y so we come on here to ask, "hey, whats up with that, what is your baby doing" so we canjust check that all is kosher.

So sorry that we do not all have perfect instincts like yours. Some of us believe in a village. And if we can't check in with our peers here....well, gosh. How lonely.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, you are missing something fundamental... empathy and humility.

We all do the best we can. We come here for support. What is the point of your post except to make people feel bad about themselves? Why do you feel the need to criticize others while bragging about your own "perfect" household?